Women growing up fatherless/absent dad - Did it affect you?

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Just a pondering question really on how other women feel.
I'm 41. My mother ran away from my father before I was born because he was incredibly violent and beat her when she was pregnant before me resulting in her losing 2 other babies.
I've never met him nor have I wanted to. I feel I've had a (semi) good life, I have two uncles who were about when I was growing up and never felt any jealousy of my female friends and their dad relationships but I know this isn't the case for everyone.

I now have a 2 yo daughter and her father isn't involved (doesn't want to be) so I'm wondering how I will broach this subject if/when she starts to enquire? What do I say when she asks.

Bump

Be honest and tell the truth but reassure her it isn't her fault and it's all his issue. Don't lie or tell her a more palatable story.

My father was psychologically and emotionally absent and it affected me terribly.
Still rebuilding myself but nearly there.

I was a people pleaser with no sense of herself, raised to have no perspective of her own, trained to fit in with everybody else, shamed for standing up for myself....

My father would be angry and martyred to read this though. Although I told him he was weak. He did a martyr face.

From his point of view all he did was be depressed and go to a psych hospital a couple of times.

My dd has not had her father in her life and there has been less bullshit presented as normal in her life.

I have never met my dad, growing up I don’t think it affected me. My situation was a bit unusual, it wasn’t because he left/chose to be absent, but my mums side of the family fleed a war, and contact was lost, I don’t think anyone knew if he was alive or not. I never questioned it growing up, it was just my ‘normal’ that he was never in the picture.

I found out he could be alive, but even then, I didn’t feel interested enough to ask questions.

What did affect me was the abusive man my mum ended up with in this country who ‘took me on as his own’ (translated to: he targeted a vulnerable young woman with a child). He really was a sicko, and it still massively affects me as an adult. Aside from my own MH, it also ruined my relationship with my mum. As a child I blamed her in part because I didn’t know any better, and my mum could be abusive towards me at times. As an adult I thoroughly regret blaming her because she did the best she could given her own experiences, even if she was abusive at times, she probably had the worst kinds of ptsd to deal with.

Long story short, I would rather have remained completely without any sort of ‘father’ figure than have a shit one.

Agree.
I'm lucky that my father was just weak, depressed and distant. That left a big enough mark on me. I read about re parenting in a self compassion book and realised that I really did need to re-father myself. I had not been good at planning, seeing those plans through to the end, drawing on stamina, motivating myself, holding boundaries, being assertive, i was useless at all of that. I had none of those skills. I was the text book example of the woman who needed to re-father herself. Those are the things I've been working on for years. Getting there though.

I feel like my 19 year old is much stronger and more assertI've than I was. I'm so relieved for her

Comunication in our house is direct. I don't tell her who she is. I ask her. I want to see her. I will always be a stranger to my parents because what they needed from me was that I be no trouble so any expression of emotion, any request for support or attention was drama, et cetera

The dynamic between my mum and dad was/is really toxic. They colluded subconsciously in a narrative that they were coping very well. Although mum was defensive and controlling, and dad was passive and depressed, they could cope OH YES and It was me who was the problem, emotional, sensitive, dramatic, angry et cetera

Thank you @ElephantePicante @J0y @PureBlackVoid for your answers.

I will make sure not to bad mouth him but be honest about his reluctance to be involved.
I know for me I don't blame my mother because who knows what life I would've had with an abusive father around so I believe she made the right choice.

I've been friends with my set of friends since we were 11. We are all in our mid-forties now. Of the 5 of us, 2 had absent dads. Compared to the other three, they have struggled with relationships with men (and boys, in our teens) and were late in committing to children. One is a single mum for life; the other is partnered with one kid.

I never knew my dad and tbh it never really bothered me and still doesn't. My aggressive and horrible step father who beat my mum and was just a nasty person did a lot more damage. I blamed my mum a lot but as an adult I can see she was trying really hard and had her own childhood traumas that would have shadowed a lot of decisions.

So like pp said being fatherless is a lot better than having a bad father figure.

MyDDs grew up without a dad as DH died when they were both still babies. They both turned out normal and have lovely partners, homes and jobs. They say they didn’t miss having a dad as they have no memory of him, and didn’t know what they were missing.

I have 3 friends with absent fathers.

1. Father died when young - mother never dated/remarried and is very enmeshed with friend. Unhealthily so, to the point friend is 40 but struggles with decision making, independence, and still very emotionally reliant on mum. She has a long term partner who's 20 years older and she picked him because he was a father figure. Very cliche I guess.

2. Parents divorced and she moved with mum to another country. Sees dad a few times a year but not close. Mum also didn't date or re-marry, but is very independent and adventurous. Friend is assertive, confident, high self esteem, very successful in high powered career and hobbies, plenty of male friends too. Has always had long term relationships but despite being so assertive normally, she is quite passive in relationships. Puts up with terrible behaviour and stays in them long past expiry date.

3. Parents separated for 20 years but live together. Dad is much older and very autistic so they are not close. Mum is judgemental, and materialistic and married dad to get a visa. So encouraged daughter to find a 'rich man' and constantly criticises her appearance as not ' well dressed'. My friend built a well paid career on her own and married a man she finds boring and neurotic but is very stable and dependable. But she has always needed a lot of attention and validation from other people (probs coz her mum tears her down) and from all of us is the most unhappy with life.

In summary, I think the mothers probably influenced them a lot more because there was no father to counteract. Im very close to my dad (but have a more challenging relationship with my mum) - the only difference between us all is that i'm better at getting my needs met with men and also have a better opinion of them in general. Prob because I have the example of my dad.

I'm the same as you OP in that my "father" was never involved at all. I had my grandad and uncles around , and then my mam met my stepdad who legally adopted me when I was a teenager to be my dad. Never bothered me at all. I do wonder what traits me and my children may have inherited from him but it's never been an issue.

In summary, I think the mothers probably influenced them a lot more because there was no father to counteract

OR: the entire dynamic was out of whack because a part of it wasn't just malfunctioning but also absent.

People are always very quick to blame women. In all of your scenarios, if both parents had been as the fathers were ie not there at all, the children would have died from neglect. I hesitate to call out any parent who is the sole provider and sole caregiver and sole person who keeps a child alive.

I had an aupair who grew up with her mum as a single parent. She mentioned she was curious about the dynamic in a 2 parent family because she did not have a dad in her life.

Absent father. I guess it did affect me. I don't feel upset about it but I do not trust men at all and generally think they're a bit useless.

I think having a father who died is different to having one who is deliberately absent. In the second case, you know that your parent has rejected you, whereas is the first case it's tragic but they haven't left you on purpose.

My dad was kicked out by my mu, when I was 16, and my younger sisters were 12 and 7. He buggered off to another country and I didn't see him again for years. However, it was much preferable to when he had been living with us as he was abusive.

My dad was last seen on my 6th birthday. I found him when I was 21 and was rejected I think I would have coped better had my mum not beat me on a regular basis purely for looking like him . For many years I was resentful he went on to have 2 other daughter and they got him all their lives but on the same hand I'm not sure if I felt some sympathy because I know what my mum was like and by leaving me he didn't have to see her I however did. I am no contact with both now and my mum was my choice not one single regret. My younger 2 children's dad never saw them again without warning nearly 5 years ago they have really struggled with this my daughter self harms and directs her anger at me and my son is very quiet but slowly bubbles away under the surface. I have got them both some professional help to get those feeling out and to make sense of them. I don't badmouth him to their faces anyway and Lways reassure them this is not year fault . I don't know how these absent parents sleep.

Sorry for lack of paras and shocking spelling speed typing before I go to work haha

I would suggest just being the best Mum to your little one. Be emotionally available, be attentive and be understanding.

My Dad moved 200+ miles away when I was 4. He was (at the time, a good father). I grew up miserable because my Dad was the best parent of the two. I’ve never had a relationship with my Mum, she wasn’t maternal at all and I would be getting myself up ready for school at the age of 6 where she would still be sleeping! Evening meals consisted of pot noodle or cupasoup at times! When I was depressed at the age of 10 onwards I wasn’t given any support at all, I was called melodramatic by her, didn’t even get support when my Mum knew I was self-harming! I absolutely hated my life. When my Dad stayed over when my Mum would go on holiday it was the best time ever, he would be up in the morning, breakfast ready, treats after school, just a present parent, that’s all children need!

However, these days my Dad seems very emotionally immature. I still at times suffer from bouts of depression, I do the best I can for my own family now and I think I’m actually doing well managing everything, however, when I visit my Dad’s there’s these little jibes that annoy me. Say if I’ve been busy at work (working nights) and busy with my Uni assignments, but he’s also busy with work with his and his wife’s cleaning company, there’s these comments like “you don’t know what it’s like to be busy or tired” etc. or like a mocking crying sound if I seem upset or annoyed. I know I shouldn’t react so easily to these things but when it’s a common occurrence it’s just bloody annoying, and it’s like I don’t have any support. If I’m sick for example, like with a bug or something, when I’m better and see him again it’ll be a stupid little comment, but if his wife is sick the look of worry on his face and the sympathy she gets is just totally opposite of how I’m treated, I just don’t get it!

Anyway, I have just realised I’ve gone off on one on someone else’s thread!! But what I’m trying to say is don’t stress about the effect of your daughter not having a father around. Be the best version of you as a mother for your daughter and that’s all she’ll ever need, if she gets all her emotional and mental needs met by you, she might not even question or be interested in who and where her father is and why!

You clearly care about her for wondering and worrying about these things. Everything will be ok :) Best wishes to you.

Agree completely. My mother left my abusive father because staying would have had been the worse option for her and for us, her children. She did what she thought was the best thing to do at the time. It was very hard for her, and some bad choices were made along the way, but I can’t fault her for those. She really tried her hardest to do the right by us. We don’t really get on now, but I appreciate all that she did for us with no support from anyone.

My dad left when I was a tiny baby as he decided he didn’t want kids. I saw him on and off as a small child but he was an absolute flake and mostly just did stupid crap to make my mum mad or ignored me while I was in his house. I was seven when my mum got sole custody and I never saw him again, barring once in a courtroom years later.

It effected me in that I always imagined myself with a single and childless future. Not in a sad way! Just that I didn’t trust most men and felt stronger on my own so that’s what I saw in my future. I didn’t date much as a teenager and focused on studies then career as a young adult. Came from a small town where most of my girl friends were married before 24. But I did meet someone! I got married at 30. Had a baby. He didn’t leave! It’s all okay and I was obviously just very cautious and guarded. I don’t regret opting to not see my father and I don’t regret how it affected my life choices.

i also do not regret a lot of therapy growing up to help me understand it was not my fault he left and it did not mean I was broken. I 100% needed someone who was not in my family to talk this stuff out with me, especially from age 9-15. I had a few very low points and needed that support.

I would never suggest lying about why the father isn’t there. Lies and secrets complicate things and make it so difficult to trust anyone. Just be honest and loving and supportive. Practice talking about how families look differently. Some people have one mum and one dad, some have two mums or two dads or one mum and grandma or all the other combinations, and you have one mum who loves you very much. This is enough. This is family.

My dad was violent towards my mum when I was very young 5ish so my mum left him with us she never wanted to ruin our opinion of him and never told us he was violent and encouraged us to meet up with him (I think as she had an amazing relationship with her dad) when I turned 10 though I didn't want to go visit him again after he abandoned me in a park on my own for 4 hours, he wasn't bothered not sure he even noticed I stopped seeing him. Now I'm an adult my own children and happily married and I think back to it he was always emotionally distanced and somethings he said at the time was very disturbing. It didn't affect me much at all, although now I'm an adult and he's getting on in years he now wants contact and I told him he can stuff it. My mum is both my mum and dad and I buy her fathers day gifts x

This is a very interesting topic. My dad left me and my mum when I was 18 months old and I didn’t see him again until I was 21. My first words were ‘dada’ and he apparently was an attentive and loving father. There’s photos of him doting on me. He left for another woman and shortly after had children with her, the daughter looks like my double.

I have huge trust problems and low expectations of men. I can’t let my guard down and I feel trapped by this and damaged. I’ve always thought it’s just how I am and I’m broken when other people aren’t, but in recent years I’m starting to think there might have been an impact on my 18 month old brain when he left. My mum was fantastic and we were a great team but I was aware we weren’t like lots of other families.

I’m married now and my insecurity affects my daily life and is the one thing that threatens my relationship.

Better an absent father than a bad one .

Mine was semi absent. Parents divorced when I was 4 and I saw him once a fortnight. But he was emotionally absent and generally crap which has had more of an impact. He's now an 80 year old living alone at the end stage of alcoholism. He suddenly wants a relationship as he quite fancies having me look after him in his dotage. You reap what you sow . Our relationship is hanging be a thread and barely there. On reflection I wish he just hadn't been part of my life.

My father married another woman secretly and left the country when I was 3. He then kept only sporadic contact, promising the world and then disappearing again. He is dead now (suicide).

I cannot overstate the extent to which all that has fucked my head up. I am only drawn to abusive men and have not been able to overcome it with therapy.

There's plenty of abusive, neglectful sole parents out there. No one forces women to have children, and the onus is completely on the parent to provide as well adjusted, and happy a home as possible in the circumstances. Plenty of sole parents manage that just fine - there are some who don't and not calling out bad parenting protects the parent. Not the child. The worst culprits tend to be people who use a child to fill the gap left by a partner because they don't know how to self soothe, or people who want a child to be an extension of themselves as validation. Those things affect a child as much as having an absent parent because it's linked, and how one parent copes with the absence of another is as impactful as how the child copes.