Women growing up fatherless/absent dad - Did it affect you?

[IloveGogglebox]

Just a pondering question really on how other women feel.
I'm 41. My mother ran away from my father before I was born because he was incredibly violent and beat her when she was pregnant before me resulting in her losing 2 other babies.
I've never met him nor have I wanted to. I feel I've had a (semi) good life, I have two uncles who were about when I was growing up and never felt any jealousy of my female friends and their dad relationships but I know this isn't the case for everyone.

I now have a 2 yo daughter and her father isn't involved (doesn't want to be) so I'm wondering how I will broach this subject if/when she starts to enquire? What do I say when she asks.

My Dad was largely absent in my pre-school years as he was studying a long way from home and didn't bother coming back very often.
He was a poor husband and an uninvolved Dad. My relationship with him broke down in my teens and never really recovered. My parents finally divorced when I was early 20's.
I was probably much closer to my Mum than I would have been otherwise. The biggest negative I can think of is that I think it has affected my attachment in relationships and I think I can be quite remote and unavailable.
I am not like my Dad though and am much more empathetic and less selfish.

Wow. Thank you everyone for your replies.

They have also made me dig a bit deeper into if it has in fact affected me.
I am very independent and have raised 3 children alone, built everything in my home, car care etc. I don't see a point in asking a man to help me because they hardly do or want something in return. I've never lived with a man and when in a relationship I don't take kindly to being "told what to do". I'm always expecting them to cheat or leave. It makes me wonder if I will ever meet a decent man, so I guess it has affected me in some way.

I can relate to the independent feeling Op. I am in the best relationship I've ever had very content and settled but I always make sure I'm financially dependent always have just in case x

@Deguster I'm sorry it has affected you that way. I hope you find some other way to heal from it if therapy isn't helping 😊

I had a selfish adoptive father who put his own needs priorities ubove mine,
Instead of equally looking after his own needs and mine which is possible not mission impossible...

The bastard Arsehole so called father of mine is still very much alive and kicking unfortunately which is a shame,

One day he will not be

Never knew my dad and grew up with a miserable stepdad. I definitely suffer from a loss of “identity “ as I know my father was foreign and while DNA testing proved this I know little about the culture. My relationships with men have been affected and I have looked for father figures . I really envy my friends who were close to their dads . On the plus side I am very capable and independent.

I know it's not politically correct to swear but i just can't help swearing about the effect he has had on me my adoptive father especially after after enduring a very crappy children's homes childhood aswell,

and early death of my adoptive mother who was brilliant to me. ..

My dad moved 100 miles away when I was 1 as he felt that there had to be 'more to life than this'. I hero-worshipped him, but only saw him once a month until I was 18, then I chose to go to university in the city where he lived. This turned out to be a bad decision as he chose to step back rather than forwards and our relationship soured

This has definitely left its scars. I know I'm insecure, and I worry all the time that I'm not good enough, regardless of the situation. I've grown up chasing validation and approval, from anyone, and I feel like I'm always falling short of expectation. Until I met my husband, it felt like every single relationship I had - family, friends, boyfriends - was conditional, and I had to be a certain way or look a certain way in order to earn or deserve their love.

Our relationship has limped on and he continues to throw crumbs in my direction, while prioritising others continually. It's taken until my 40s to realise he won't change so it's up to me to break this cycle and I am in the process of walking away and no longer engaging with him as I realise now how damaging it is. I have a thread on here which has been so eye opening and so supportive, and which helped me see things for what they were - his failings, not mine.

I will be looking up your mumsnet thread @@BreathingDeep

I can really relate to your life story too

You deserved a lot better than the very low grade of father you have in your life,

Anyone can become a father any idiot can do that, that's the easy part making babies,

It takes a real man to be a good enough
Dad..
A genuine good man

Your father just isn't that,

He is just a par of course, shitty type of waste of space man,

An Arsehole

Glad you have decided to walk away from
All he is and ever was was just like a walking talking

@BreathingDeep

All your father is and was is just like a walking talking sperm Doner...

Funny this has got legs again.
She's now 3 and a half and said the other day "I don't have a daddy do I mummy?"
I just said "not today" and carried on feeding her. She didn't say much else but I'm sure those days will come when she wonders why. Not looking forward to that tbh
My stomach sank when she said that the other day 😤

IloveGogglebox you handled it great, well done. And please, don't let your heart sink - you have so much to be proud of! You're doing this on your own and to her, you are everything. Next time it comes up, you can explain that some families don't have a mummy, some don't have a daddy, some have both, some children don't live with either. She'll meet so many children with totally different families that she won't be 'different', she'll just be her.

An absent dad is so much better than a shitty one! Keep on going!