School reports - shocked at how poorly I did

[Strawblue]

I’ve just read all of my old school reports from when I was at school 1979-1991 (not read them in 20+ years) and I feel shocked at how poorly I achieved academically at school. I want to throw them in the bin.

Right from the second year of school the comments are fairly consistent with needs to concentrate more and try harder, organise work and research more, listen better, speak
up in class discussions as mostly does not, needs to gain confidence, and easily distracted. The only consistent positive is that through the years they all say I am polite, friendly and a pleasant member of the class.

I was painfully shy as a child although this improved somewhat in teen years. Parents only seemed interested in the school reports and would shout angrily at me for yet another report that inevitably said the above. There is the odd report when some subjects have seen improvements and then the next one I’ve slipped again. They rarely took any interest in what I was actually doing (or rather, not doing) at school even during the exam years. I recall DM listening to me read in Primary but that’s it.

I remember as a teen having little
motivation academically and also made little effort with extra-curricular things too. I recall looking at people doing the DOE or other such things thinking why would you do that, I can’t be bothered with that etc. I learnt piano and tennis and hated both of them so made no effort but DP’s forced me to learn. I wanted to learn karate but was told no, it’s not suitable for girls(!). In reality I probably could have done with the self-discipline it can give.

I don’t understand why I was so thick and unmotivated; it almost feels like there was something wrong with me. I scraped through all exams, went to Uni and got a mediocre degree which I’ve never used. Worked for a small number of companies, each with long-term employment; again wished I could be ambitious but have no motivation to study further etc. I should never have gone to Uni as I’m clearly not academic but when I left school apprenticeships were not widely known at all (grew up in another country).

I used to do my family history so I know the importance of having various documents but I just want to throw these reports away. I’m ashamed of myself and how thick I was and I don’t want DH to see these either (he’s a high achiever and Mensa member) and DC won’t gain anything from knowing their DM was useless at school, and later this has flowed into working life (I work hard but will never go places).

I don’t really know the point of this post. With the repeated report comments over the years about concentration and easily distracted I wondered if it could be ADHD or something but as an adult I definitely don't have these features so I guess it was just me being me.

Yeah mine are dreadful as well. I'd be really pissed off if DS was getting the marks I got!!

I've ended up doing ok though!

Do you consider yourself successful now?

@DenholmElliot1 no, not at all unfortunately when talking about job/career prospects/academically.

@hopeishere glad I’m not the only one! I do wonder if teaching has changed in that reports are more balanced in terms of academic feedback. Mine are nothing but pretty much negative, yet DS has significant issues with reading and writing but his reports always have positive aspects. Mine are like I’m pretty much a thick waste of space 🙁

I do have ADHD and these were exactly what my reports said

i reread my school reports fairly recently and was horrified by how different the picture they paint is from what I remember.
Some of the teachers’ comments are so bitchy. Reading between the lines, it’s clear that I was really struggling socially and with confidence and concentration, and the nasty comments must only have added to that.

OP I think you need to be a lot kinder to yourself.

You've done well. You've been gainfully employed, you don't need to be ambitious. You have a degree. It sounds like you have a nice husband and kids. Lots to celebrate.

You ARE allowed to throw these reports away. I would do that if I was you. Who cares what they say.

A good thing about getting older, more experience etc is that nobody cares at all about school graded or even uni qualifications.

Mine awful too I wanted to burn them ....I'm 53
But I do think now with school reports teachers are expected to be more more posit e than they were years ago !!!!
Ps IM A TEACHER

• throw them away if you want to. That part of your life is over and you seem to have created a happy family which is one of the most important things in life
• consider seeking therapy to address your low self worth
• your description sounds exactly like many other women who are later diagnosed with either ASD or ADHD or both.

Just throw them away OP.

Old school reports are not important documents, especially if they cause you to feel like this. I (or my dad/step-mum) must've thrown mine away at some point and I don't miss having them at all. The statements you've mentioned sound very generic (especially for the time they were written) and could be applied to a lot of students in the average class (I'm a teacher).

I would have a ritual shredding of these and focus on who you are now and what makes you happy.

BTW I recently came across my old instrument grade exams. Terrible marks, barely scrape a pass, and the comments were shocking, eg "this was poor"

I still play this instrument, I am seen as quite good at it, I get a lot of pleasure from playing.

So thank God I never let those reports put me off. I don't really remember being aware of them, perhaps my parents shielded me or perhaps I was just oblivious.

I found it funny when I came across them.

I recently read my school reports which were written in the late 80's and early 90's. Basically said I was rubbish in all areas of academia and was distracted and had problems concentrating. Some of the comments were awful and quite mean.
The feedback from my teachers and parents gave me such a negative self image and I then completely lacked confidence through school.
I fortunately met a boyfriend at 16 who recognised something in me and I went on to complete my A Levels and then to university.
I now have a fulfilling career and I'm respected in my field.
I have been diagnosed with inattentive ADHD which is often missed in girls. I don't take medication but recognising my learning style and incorporating lifestyle habits has helped me.
OP please try to believe in yourself and disregard these comments.

You just didn't fall on the right soil to grow and blossom. Forget those teachers and your critical parents and imagine yourself among the people who help you thrive. And go learn Karate, you can do things that please you.

Bin the things.

DM handed me mine (no idea why she'd hoarded them all these years) a little while back.

I had a read through, didn't like the feelings and memories they evoked and shoved them in the recycling. I don't go to school reunions for the same reason.

It was a different time. I was super academic at school, very well behaved and have a couple of degrees and a pHD and my reports read like I was some sort of total very stupid delinquent. There was no grade inflation, comments concentrated on your failings rather than achievements so you could 'work' on them. I threw mine out as they upset me so much. I remembered why I hated school despite being so good at it. Nuturing it wasn't. It set me up for a life time of thinking I wasnt good enough. I'm glad things have changed for my DC.

This resonates with me! So much potential but never quite achieved what was expected academically. Couldn’t focus, apply myself, fell to pieces in exams.

I’ve now been diagnosed with ADHD and ASD. It’s been a revelation in terms of understanding myself and behaviours. I’m able to forgive myself for the failed A-levels/degree/not achieving at work. I’ve now started on ADHD medication. Best way to describe it is like I’ve spent my whole life walking around in the dark with a crappy torch and someone just switched the lights on! And I’m only on a starting dose.

Have a read around ADHD, especially in girls/women and see if it resonates. If it does, I can link a form for you to ask your GP to refer you for assessment and a survey to complete to go with the referrals. I would keep the reports because they can be useful for assessors to see (then you can bin them!). Honestly. I’m so much happier now I have a diagnosis and understand what it’s all been about. I’m a little sad it took til my 40s to get the answers and the meds but it’s still good to be turning it around.

I could have written your post! But....I was an unhappy child and school did not motivate me. No one picked up on my depression and I'm in a job that I enjoy now, have a nice (small) home, lovely family.
I consider myself lucky, I'm sure you are too, don't be hard on yourself.

Can I nicely say that you are being very hard on yourself?

You describe yourself as "thick and unmotivated" but did well enough to go to university (and in the era you went, there were far fewer university places available). So you clearly weren't actually thick and had at least some motivation (or you wouldn't have finished your degree).

You are a similar age to me and I think the trend was much more to be blunt. So teachers were more ready to highlight things that needed work, in a direct contrast to these days where reports seem to be focus on the positive.

Part of it is that they were far more viciously honest in those days, and you're probably comparing it to your dc's reports.
My reports were always considered to be good reports, not really many negative comments, but if I compare them to modern reports they look dreadful.

Tbf I find modern reports fairly useless as they seem to only go for the positives, so it's hard to improve your negatives if you don't know what they are, plus it means that you're never quite sure how positive they really are if they can only put positive things.

You are being way to hard on yourself.

I feel society drives us to try and be ambitious, without thinking of anything else. If you are in a job that you like why is that more important than being in a job you hate but earns you 3 times more?

As for your DP he married you, for you and you should be able to communicate how you feel about this

Mine too!! All of mine say I'm too quiet and I struggle with the basics 😔

I just wish I could show my teachers now that I achieved more than they thought I would. But of course, they won't even remember me!

I'd love to chuck mine in the bin. I would hate DS to read them

Chuck them.
I'm a widow and when going through my very successful Oxford educated (first in his family to go to uni) husband's stuff came across some school reports.
While most referred to him talking too much, they also said he needed to apply himself more and concentrate. In fact it was a very disparaging comment by a teacher when he achieved particularly high marks in an exam (along the lines of 'we would never have expected he could do well') that spurred him on to try for Oxford.
School reports are a snapshot of a time. I did far better as a mature student (30) doing my Masters than I did doing my undergraduate degree. I didn't become more intelligent, I was just able to focus more.

Throw them out OP. Why would you keep them, forget about them, and risk evoking those feelings all over again when you rediscover them.

My 1980s school reports were amazing because I was quiet, a people pleaser and had a flair for exams. I was also socially anxious and suicidally depressed at times. I didn't go on to have a high flying career. School reports mean virtually nothing - they are a snapshot in time, from a particular perspective, with limited metrics.

A few years ago I had a massive clear out and threw out everything that didn't give me a positive memory - so school reports, teenage letters, bits of memorabilia from boyfriends - all binned and I don't regret it.

Those comments aren't saying you were thick and lazy, though? They're saying you struggled with organisation, were reluctant to speak up (were shy) and were distracted easily whilst being very likeable, kind and a generally nice kid.

Stop reading them in your parents' voice.

Mine were similarly crap.
Was really bored at school, but bright, loved lacking around with my friends.

Hasn't stopped me getting very good academic qualifications in a subject area I'm very interested in and an enjoyable, reasonably (because I'm aware this is MN home of typical salaries of £150k) paid job.

I have now realised I have ADHD, which explains pretty much everything!

This is also so true!
My teacher friends tell me they are utterly banned from saying anything negative about any child - the reports are signed off by senior leadership before they are released.
Copy & paste is all the parents get, not a true report.