Will I get over longing for third child?

[Chicci1]

Would love to hear from anyone in the same boat. We have two gorgeous dc and for all the practical reasons, have decided not to have a third. I’m heart over head on it so if it was just my decision, I would go for a third but my husband is adamant that we’re done at two. My head thinks he is right as we really dont have enough time and money and space to give two children a good life and genuinely I think another sibling would take away from my existing childrens lives rather than enrich their lives. BUT I feel so envious when I see families with three and think about a third a lot - it feels like a physical ache. I’ve just turned 40 so suspect it it partially hormones. Has anyone ever really wanted a third and had it turn out ok? I worry I’ll be full of regret and resentment once it’s too late!

Can’t help, but in a similar boat- although we’re not 100% set. Looking less likely with every month though. It’s a physical ache at times, completely agree.

Here's a reality check.

Teenagers are really expensive - clothes and school uniforms x 3, mobile phones x 3, Laptops x 3 (they will need these for homework)

They need you much more on an emotional level than small children do. I felt like I had been through the wringer with DD - friendship issues, bullying, boyfriend issues, GCSEs, A levels, UCAS.

Supporting through university is also a massive expense.

I always felt like someone was missing before I had my third, didn't have a second of broodiness after. If I was in that situation now though fuck no, everything has gotten so expensive that broodiness could go to hell. How old are your kids? If they are young I reckon you will be glad you didn't have a third when they get older.

They’re 7 and 5 so at a really nice phase and I’m definitely looking back at baby years with rise tinted glasses. Thanks for the teenage reality check. The thoughts of three teenagers does put some fear into me!

I had two years of longing at around your age and with similar age children to yours. Just couldn't decide and the indecision became obsessive and made me ill tbh. Then covid hit. That and hormones subsiding meant I got past it. I like the idea of 3 grown up children but I know I and my marriage isn't up to raising 3 children to adulthood. Zero wider family support too and we're comfortable but definitely not rich, and these were factors too. I'm over it and no regrets now.

I still get broody. I always wanted 3.

I have 2 gorgeous teenagers and doing well in my career (I'm now 39)

I couldn't have another bow, feel too old and knackered, plus im the breadwinner these days and it is nice to have my freedom back. But I do wonder 'what if?' Sometimes.

I could have written that post myself (except for the additional 3 years of trying for a third baby that didn’t work out for us) I was absolutely devastated. I thought I’d never get over it. I would literally have to run away from pregnant women. The school run was an absolute delight as it felt like everyone around us was having their third. Totally heartbroken. We stopped trying/discussing a third baby when covid happened and I knew it wouldn’t be practical to have another one. Now my children are older (9&12) It’s so much easier to bear. There’s actually a big part of me that is relieved we didn’t have a third. PP poster was right about older children being more expensive and also, in some ways more time consuming. I try and grab every opportunity to make the most of the benefits of a smaller family unit. As a family of 4 we can afford to do more and offer our children more opportunities than we could afford to do if we’d had another baby. I still get the occasional pang but - for me- the thought of going through all the pregnancy, sleepless nights, nursery illnesses again etc at nearly 40 is not worth sacrificing the quality of life we now have. I am in a much better place and, if you decide to not have a third, you will be ok.

There are very rarely posts from parents of teens on mumsnet saying that they want more children. The primary school years were so easy compared to secondary school.

I always wanted 3 , dh only wanted 1 so we compromised on 2.

I still think oh what would life be like with 3, then remember how much teenagers cost, how much school trips, university, pocket money etc costs and remember that we would have had to have moved house, new car and then when I see mortgage interests rates etc I’m thankful that we stopped at 2.

I know this doesn’t directly answer your question, but just wanted to say I am one of three, and I’ve never liked it, even now as an adult…it just always feels like someone is left out. Just really little mundane things always ended up being a battle - it’s so much easier to cut a cake in two than three, always 2 seats on a ride so one person has to sit on their own, one person gets no space in the crap middle seat of the car while the others get leg room, the other two can always join forces and bully the third because they’re the youngest/eldest/only sibling of the other gender etc etc.

So just as well as the finances and practicalities, try to think about the sibling dynamic between your two DCs and how that might change if another child arrives. I’m sure there are plenty of people who love being one of three, but because of my experience I wouldn’t choose to have three children

I have three, one of which is still very small. All the practical negatives of it have got a lot scarier over the last year or so with the war, fuel crisis, recession, etc., and the emotional positives have stayed the same. I wouldn't change my actual baby now they're here but I think if they were still a hypothetical third baby I might make a different decision. All the downsides only seem to be getting worse and we're now more vulnerable to the effect of them on our family.

My third baby was twins, just saying 😬

Two can be a lovely dynamic. You can do lovely fun stuff together as a family having a baby / toddler would really affect that. Not really in your existing kids best interests.

Teens are fab but hard work my god I would not have it in me to do this a third time and ours are relatively easy.

I hope it goes away! I'd love baby 3, always wanted a larger family, but we absolutely could not afford it if we wanted any type of savings or just a basic cushion financially. The cost of one in childcare was ok but now having two in childcare, plus the increase in cost of living, there is absolutely no way we could have a 3rd unless I ditch DH for a rich footballer or something 🤣

I'm one of two and have only ever wanted two. My husband is one of 3 and as a pp has said, he would not recommend. We are very close to one of his siblings and the other one is always on the side alot more distant, causes drama, caused drama when they were children. From his experience I think a third must add so much more pressure, emotional and financial, and it changes the sibling dynamic completely.

I always wanted two and have one. You can absolutely get over it. I definitely had a grieving period for it where I was really upset realising the two would have been disastrous for us but there are pros and cons to all parts of life. Look to the pros and have fun with your lovely two. I hope you feel better, I now love our set up.

I'm in the exact same position OP. My DC are 8 and 5 and I had always been adamant that I only wanted 2, but then suddenly around a year ago the longing for a third hit me like a ton of bricks. We've spent the past 12 months going round in circles over what to do, to the point where I even booked an appointment to get my coil removed but backed out at the last moment.

Ultimately we've decided no. I do want a third, but it's not a good idea. Financially we are in a good position at the moment, but to have a third we would need to almost double our current mortgage to get the additional space we need (we live in the south east) plus absorb the nursery costs. Overall we'd be looking at the equivalent of 3x our current mortgage for all this! This would mean both of us needing to continue FT work, and it's hard enough to give 2 DC attention when working this much, let alone 3.

It's taken me a while to realise that it's ok to feel a bit sad about this sometimes. I still think about it most days, but I do feel much better that we've made a decision. I'm no longer in limbo about it, which means we can plan and think a bit more about the future.

Number 3 was an accidental pregnancy, i love him totally as much as his sisters, but life has been more costly as the world is designed for families of 4.

They are now older and the teen years are so expensive and more time consuming, we’ve outgrown our house and rather than stepping back a bit from work we’re working harder than ever to cover their costs as well as cost of living rises.

i was young when I had my family and had time to make decisions and probably would’ve had number 3 in time.

Turning 40 is the issue here! It feels like baby days are over and it makes you want to do it all again. I think few years from now you’ll be happy and settled, but I understand how hard it is right now.

How can you want to go back to the baby drudge years when you have lovely primary aged kids?! Honestly you are in the best zone with your two - enjoy them.

Just had my third so reading with interest lol! I am 1 of 3 and always said 3 was too many, my parents didn’t have capacity/ money/ time to give us. But when my second DD was born with a rare genetic condition we wanted another neurotypical sibling for both her and her elder sister. Some may say contraversial and selfish as we know DD2 will have additional needs and my DH was so terrified to roll the dice again; he basically ignored the third pregnancy. But DD3 here and healthy now. But I fear the teenage years with 3 girls already lol. But whatever ur reasoning is, if you have a third you will not regret it as they will be a real person and your beautiful child. Good luck x

We stopped at two for similar, practical reasons and because ultimately my DH wasn’t on board with a third (for those very practical reasons!). We didn’t really argue about it and it wasn’t a huge thing like it is with some couples - I respected his feelings straight off and knew he was right, really!

The longing for a third eased massively into my late 30s, and after 40 I started to see how ridiculous it would be to start all over again in my forties.

I’m 45 now, in full blown perimenopause, kids are teens and I have absolutely zero regrets! I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, in fact! . The further away you get from the ‘little kids’ phase, the less appealing it is. It’s like the cloud of madness clears [winks].

@Chicci1 what did you decide to do? I’m in your exact position except we’re lucky enough to be financially stable. We have two spare bedrooms and I keep designing a nursery for one in my head! I’m also approaching 40, so the now or never feeling is very real!!

Exactly what @BetterArf says.
I really wanted a 3rd- the second was a negotiation. DH didn’t. I kind of gave up trying to persuade him when I turned 40 (other dc were 5&3 then). I’m still a bit sad sometimes that we don’t have 3, but I honestly don’t know how we’d do it-starting with school fees. But we can do all the clubs etc by each taking 1 child, we couldn’t do it with 3. By the time I was 45 (and needed a new coil) the thought of accidentally getting pregnant sent shivers down my spine. Once you’ve got rid of all the baby and toddler crap and start to get your life back you’ll be glad you didn’t have a 3rd. Alternatively read some of the stories where a 3rd child was born and had huge additional needs which destroyed the family……that will put you off.

I was massively broody when mine were around 3 and 6. It passed! Much as I often wonder what might have been it's been a joy to have enough time and money to parent the two of them in the way I want to which I personally think would have been much more of a stretch with a third.