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Original poster

My son goes to uni tomorrow and I feel like I'm grieving.

65 replies

PlayItAsItLays · 30/09/2022 17:50

I thought I was okay about my son leaving for uni but a couple of nights ago I had an awful dream about him moving into halls and since then I've been a wreck. He's so happy and excited to be going and for that I'm really thankful. But I feel sick at the though of him being away and can't stop crying. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the next few weeks or months.

I know there'll be a lot of parents on here who have dropped their kids off over the last few weeks. How are you coping?

OP posts:

choirmumoftwo · 03/10/2022 19:08

Just back from dropping DD off at Lancaster for her final year and she's in good spirits. It's been a great experience for her and I hope it will be the same for all of your DC. If any of them are brass players, the brass band need new members - get them to say hello at Freshers Fair on Thursday 😂

MrsAvocet · 09/10/2022 23:36

I'm feeling very low tonight. Spoke to DS and asked him what he's been up to this weekend. Nothing he said. He did his shopping for the week on Friday morning so he has had no need to leave his room since then. I knew he was never going to be the life and soul of the party but I thought he might have made at least one friend by now. But it seems not. And I need to send more photos and videos of his pets apparently because he's worried about them. I really want to tell him to come home next weekend but I know it's too early and will probably make things worse. 😥

Rainbows89 · 10/10/2022 03:01

Aww MrsAvocet I have no advice but just wanted to send you a hug. That sounds
so hard. He won’t be the only one being slower to
make friends and settle in, he really won’t.

I would say you know him best and whether a
weekend at home would help or not. How is he feeling?

anyway, I’m sorry I don’t have advice because mine are not quite at this stage but you sound v sad so I just wanted to let you know that I saw your message and am thinking of you and your boy.

buttons123456 · 10/10/2022 07:16

@MrsAvocet my dd is exactly the same ... all her flat mates are clubbing at the weekend and she stays in her room!
My heart is so sore but equally I'm so proud as her mental health was so bad during covid , I didn't think she would pass her A levels let alone be at uni away from all her safe things !

It's such a worry isn't it and I thought when she started driving was bad enough ! Parenting just gets worse not better ! 😞😞

MrsAvocet · 10/10/2022 18:20

Thanks rainbows and buttons. I think I am probably more bothered about him being alone than he is to be honest. He wouldn't have been going out anywhere if he was still at home, but he would have his animals for company. And us of course.
I may suggest he comes home for a weekend in November but I think it would probably make things harder for everyone if he came back right now.
I'd hoped once lectures started he'd make like minded friends doing the same course but he doesn't seem to have even spoken to anyone! Still, it's early days yet and I expect once they start doing small group tutorials and lab work he will get to know people better. 🤞* *

Daisy62 · 10/10/2022 18:28

I grieved for the first 6 weeks when my first DC went to university - felt very raw, and like physical pain. Nothing much helped, just keeping busy as much as possible and being gentle with myself. I just gradually got used to it, made the most of the holidays and went to visit once or twice a term. They've all left home now and I still miss them - you really will get used to it, you'll take huge pride in their independence and their achievements, and even though the shape of family life is different they're still your kids and you can still be close.

Silenceisgreat · 10/10/2022 19:01

My DD is in 2nd year at Lancaster and has been a freshers rep this week so her job to get people out of their rooms and mix with each other. It is hard when some don't want to mix. If anyone wants my DD to help get their DS or DD out message me and I will let her know. She is in Fylde college if this helps. But has loads of friends in other colleges.

choirmumoftwo · 10/10/2022 19:03

@MrsAvocet has your DS got any specific interests and has he joined any societies? It's a sure fire way of knowing you're with like minded people and exposes you to a different group outside of your studies.

MrsAvocet · 10/10/2022 23:56

Thanks @choirmumoftwo Yes, he does have some hobbies and went to a couple of groups in Freshers' Week but unfortunately didn't return this week. I'm trying to persuade him to try again next week as I think if he leaves it too long it will only get harder as friendships will already be forming. I think it's the combination of his general social awkwardness, anxiety about being in a big city, especially at night (we live in the countryside so it's a huge change) and the fact that so many of the social activities involve lots of alcohol (he doesn't drink) that's putting him off. I'd expect a fair few of his course mates to share at least one of his hobbies to be honest so just hoping he hits it off with someone soon.

choirmumoftwo · 11/10/2022 09:43

@MrsAvocet it's really difficult isn't it? Leaving home is a big deal anyway but moving to a very different environment is even harder. My DS has struggled socially all his life (we're convinced he's on the autistic spectrum) and found it really hard to connect with people as a student. Fortunately, he had to join a couple of things as a requirement of his course.
In terms of alcohol, I wonder if it might be worth him seeking out some of the more niche societies? I know at Cardiff for example they have a 30 minute society which deliberately arranges frequent alcohol free events - essentially you get 30 minutes notice of what that week's event is and join in if it appeals.
Good luck to your DS and to you. We've done it twice now and still aren't quite used to being a household of two!

peaceandove · 11/10/2022 11:17

I totally get it. DD1 went off to university last year. For several days after I couldn't bear to go in her room, it was far too tidy and empty. Doing the laundry, I burst into tears when I sniffed one of her old hoodies - and I never cry. Ever.

But it definitely got easier. She was so ready to go and has loved every minute of university - her social life is amazing!

Then DD2 also went off to university a couple of weeks ago - and it's hit me much harder this time. I am definitely grieving. I miss them, I really miss them. We're totally empty nesters now.

But DH is taking me away for a dirty romantic weekend in Cumbria soon, then we're off to Marrakech next month for some R&R. So, they're things to look forward to. It's also helped to switch things up at home a bit - have ordered DD2 a new bed and new bedding.

MrsAvocet · 12/10/2022 00:27

Possible progress here. I phoned tonight and DS didn't pick up. He rang back saying he was in the kitchen talking to flatmates. Every single other time anyone has called he has been alone in his room and answered on about the second ring, so I'm feeling cautiously optimistic.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 12/10/2022 07:22

Mines been gone a month now, seems to be really enjoying himself and has joined loads of societies.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 12/10/2022 07:22

Posted too soon, home sickness has finally started kicking in though!

shadypines · 12/10/2022 07:34

@MrsAvocet that is something to ease the worry a little, I'm glad to hear. Don't forget it is very early days. DD is in 3rd year and I still gently encourage having a hobby group, it's always good to know people with shared interests.

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