Young mums treated badly post labour

[Youg]

I’m still working through some sadness about one of my kids births. I had been in Labour and not slept for days, I then ended up with an emergency c section under general anaesthetic. This was late at night. Over the night I was kept in a room with glass windows with a nurse watching over and told I wasn’t to hold or feed my baby. My boyfriend was told to stay so he could look after baby. They wouldn’t let me breast feed or hold him.

Then the next morning they took me up to a ward on the bed, I was in a room with women who’d had normal births. They took my catheter out and I said I needed the toilet and they told me to get up and go, I couldn’t walk - I was in agony and the nurse berated me ‘of course you can walk, people give birth all the time you’re being ridiculous’ the toilet was at the end of the room in in and down the corridor a bit.

I felt totally worthless, like I was already considered a failure. Then the breastfeeding lady came around and asked why I wasn’t breastfeeding, I told her I had planned too but wasn’t allowed to after the birth. She said along the lines of ‘it’s fine to just say you didn’t want too, most people your age don’t’ and then left. Again I felt like a failure.

My baby was ill due to how long they’d left me in Labour with my waters broke so we had to stay for 5 days. I was completely ignored and was in tears every night. I pushed the buzzer for help picking him up the first night as I was in so much pain and the nurse came and said ‘your his mum not me’. Eventually my boyfriend paid for a private room and said he’s staying over on the floor as I was a mess.

Anyway, I just assumed this was how they treat mothers but I’ve since had another baby and am now older and I realise just how awful they were to me as a young mother. With my youngest I was listened to, respected, not berated, they cared for me - even though it was clear to see they were a lot thinner on the ground than they were many years ago. I truly believe my age was the reason I was treated badly the first time.

Did any other young mothers experience this treatment? I want to do something about this, as a 19 year old mother who’d had a traumatic birth with an ill baby, The attitudes towards me just topped up a feeling of failure and I don’t want other young mums to experience this.

What can I do?

I think it depends on the staff. I was treated terribly at 31!

I didn’t experience this at all, I had wonderful treatment and I was definitely considered young

No I had my daughter at 22 and don’t have this experience at all.. and I breastfed her, i wasn’t treated badly in any way.

I wasn't a young mother and I experienced similar. I think they are rushed off their feet and don't have time to take into account your specific needs and birth experience and then speak to you feeling exasperated because their work conditions are a bit shit.

You are not worthless and that first walk after an emergency c section is absolutely gruelling.

Not being able to feed your baby due to recovering from a c section and then being met with a lack of care and understanding is brutal.

You are a strong woman! And your baby is lucky to have you. 💐💐💐🫂

I was 19 when I had dd1 and the midwives and doctor were absolutely appalling.
They didn't listen and spoke down to me.
The student midwife came to see me on the way d as she was so shocked at how I was treated.

I wasn't a young mum, was 30 when I had DD and the midwives and nurses were completely apathetic and unhelpful throughout.

I was induced, they didn't believe me when I said I needed to push, then when they finally checked, with much sighing and 'fine but baby will have just moved position' they saw I was crowning and rushed me from the ward to a delivery room.

While I was being stitched up, so legs akimbo in stirrups, everything uncovered, people were walking in and out of the room having chats with each other about their evening plans and generally socialising.

Afterwards, DH was shooed off and I was pointed in the direction of the ward and had to walk pushing DD in her plastic wheelied cot, up several floors and along a load of corridors, no idea how I actually found the right place as was a bit out of it.

Then all night, no one helped me, just took a couple of obs through the night, leaving the curtains around the bed wide open each time so I had to get up to close them, and in the morning I was pointed to a ward kitchen to make myself breakfast.

I left at the first possible opportunity, asked everyone in sight when I could go home till they were so annoyed they just said, yeah sure you can leave, called a taxi, threw everything into my bag, DD in the car seat and left.

I was treated badly when I had my first. We both almost died among other things. When pregnant with my third the local midwife wanted me to have a medical birth in hospital due to the complications with my first two and I told her about how I was treated the first time. She said I would be much better treated this time as I was older! I pointed out I wasn't that much older and really, they should be MORE helpful and understanding with a younger more vulnerable patient and she agreed but said in practice that did not usually happen.

I refused to book in with her and had all my care done in the next county over at a nice little birthing unit.

Your experience sounds fairly similar to mine and I was mid 30s when I had my baby.

As someone who was generally healthy I had very limited experience of the NHS before pregnancy and I found myself often being patronised, jargon used and lack of explanation of anything really. This was throughout pregnancy and post natally. Obviously I asked questions and went away and looked things up but it was frustrating.

I strongly believe that post natal services are massively under funded and under prioritised because they are used by women therefore seem as unimportant

I've had babies in my 20s and 30s and experienced shit treatment on each occasion, though I also met some absolutely lovely, kind, caring midwives and doctors. But I also met some total and utter horrors. Including rough treatment, ignoring me, talking over me, telling me I was lazy for not pushing hard enough after three hours of pushing, calling my ds by his surname when he in the special care unit and referring to all of the babies by surname, trying to tell me I wasn't allowed to stay with ds of a few hours old in ICU to feed him, just awful. I wish I had stood up to them but you are so vulnerable when you give birth.

The fact is that some midwives and nurses are complete and utter bitches, regardless of how busy you are there is a certain minimum standard of care and kindness that should be adhered to and if you are unable to do that you should not be around pregnant and labouring women and their babies.

So sorry you experienced this. I have birth at 27 and 37 and both postnatal.experiences were awful. Sadly the medical model and the increasing presence of compassion fatigue inhibits any caring actually taking place.

I discharge myself after the birth of my fighter being to shocking and uncaring ‘care’.

Maybe it’s not the age thing then based on experience here. But at 19 I felt like they looked at me like a piece of dirt.

I had my first at 19 and I still feel I got shocking care
from the moment I got to hospital-i was shouted at for not phoning through first-I had,they just didn’t answer to a midwife who walked up to me and walked away with my baby (I still don’t know where she took her)
I was shouted at by another midwife for panicking about it and wanting my baby back
i had no help with breastfeeding-and told off for giving up and giving her a bottle (just the one)

A few years later I had another baby (by mistake,I gave birth at home)
I remember sitting on my bathroom floor,covered in my own blood,my mother washing the blood off while I sat naked and shaking in shock
they sent out a midwife to check us over and she was so nasty and rude,I made a complaint
she made it clear she would have rather been anywhere but in my bathroom at 5am (funnily enough,I’d have rather been in bed too) and when I went to stand up to walk downstairs,she shouted at me and told me that she was going to call ss for daring to give birth on my bathroom floor
i got to hospital in tears and got midwives so nasty,I discharged myself and my baby

I don't think it's about age. I was treated like this in my 30s. I was appalled. I'm an intelligent professional woman with a PhD, but after birth I was treated like I was worthless and a wimp. I felt really unsupported. It is awful.

I had a dc at 17. Staff were amazing in that town.
Had mc a year earlier in a different place and they put me on a ward full of young girls having abortions..
I had my first ante natal at that hospital and refused to go back. Ime it is the hospital not necessarily age related that gives bad care...
Sorry you felt so uncared for op.

Yes, I was treated awfully on the postnatal ward at 21. I think it’s a mix of being young and a first time mum. Awful people!

I feel like I was treated similarly in each birth I have had, aged 18, 31 and 36. Not great each time. However the difference with my age was with my first child I just did as I was told, didn't question anything, and just accepted how I was treated. The other 2 births were better in the sense I knew my rights more, so if I wanted pain relief I was polite but insistent.

I didn't but I remember overheating a midwife telling a lady in the bed opposite that there was no reason why she couldn't walk to the toilet unaided. I was so caught up in looking after my twins I didn't really register but looking back it was completely unacceptable.

I had a midwife be horrible to me.
I had two lovely midwife's whilst giving birth but just after giving birth they came off shift and another midwife took over to take me down to the ward, she talked to me horribly, the previous midwife had said I needed to have some toast before I could go to the ward so I asked the new midwife and she tutted and shook her head. She then took me down in the lift and she asked with an attitude how old I was- I told her I was 24, she looked shocked and then apologised and said she thought I was 15 then suddenly started being nicer - my first experience of being judged for looking like a young mum. I feel sorry for people who are young mums as people can be horrible

I don't think it depends on your age I think it depends on who is caring for you, out of four births, I have only had one where I have been treated well.
My last one was particularly awful, the staff where very uncaring, and a particularly rude Dr, who eye rolled and huffed at me being in agony same as with my first birth.
Unfortunately you would have thought having a baby stuck in you with no painkillers he would have a bit of sympathy but it was just an annoyance for him.
Terrible.
A similar thing happened with my first and the Dr got very frustrated.
Really disgusting.

I think you are always better off to get out of there as soon as you can, much better off at home.
Birth can be so traumatic without the added stress and awful behaviour of people who are supposed to take care of you.

I made a complaint about the place I gave both at I was 37.
they didn’t believe me when I said I needed to push, then baby became distressed in whirlwind forceps birth.
in the theatre there was a break down in command and one of the midwives/consultants refused to touch my belly to tell me when she felt a contraction so I could push. (After epidural) saying it wasn’t her job.
another doctor had to step in.
i felt like I was the toilet no one wanted to clean.

then overheard several conversations about who was holiday, when. And how they are always on holiday don’t pull their weight etc.
I gave birth at 1am I was left on the recovery ward with no contact after my catheter was removed until 7pm where I was then moved to post natal ward.
I was actually asked where I had been hiding.
on the post natal ward a lady had had a c section and was clearly in pain. Every time she pushed the buzzer it was met with a sigh and tut.
she dropped her phone I got out of bed to get it for her as I didn’t want her to have to deal with another sigh.
She was in tears.
the next day I was okayed to discharge at noon and they didn’t get to me until 6pm I was desperate to leave.
oh and I was offered fish when I asked what vegetarian food was on the menu- I laughed at the midwife (felt bad immediately) and said fish isn’t vegetarian.
she walked away and I didn’t get a dinner that day.

I had a really attentive set of nurses and midwives when I was actually in labour/aftercare (age 27), My older cousin (age 32/33) had a horrific experience similar to yours.
She is a lot meeker than me and struggles to stand up for herself, so could not advocate for her needs.

I do think things like age, race, ability to advocate for yourself etc are huge factors in how you are treat. They absolutely shouldn't be though. It's upsetting when you hear how badly some new mothers are treated

I experienced some awful care on the post natal ward after my first. I was 27, but looking back at the photos I looked about 18, which might explain why some staff were so rude to me.

I'd been up for 3 days straight in labour but had a large, unsettled baby. I tried walking her in the corridor the first night but got loudly told off and sent back to the ward with my crying baby where everyone else was sleeping. I honestly didn't know what to do, I was exhausted and feeling useless.

I was trying to breastfeed and a very grumpy midwife came and told me the baby couldn't breathe because my breasts were too big (what 🙄).

On the plus side they did show me how to bath her because they probably thought I was 12 or something but that was actually very helpful 😂

Oh goodness @BadAmbassador I had the exact same thing about big boobs!!

So midwife 1 came in and said "your breast are too big and he can't breathe. You need to push down on your breast with your finger near his nose so he can breath". Right, okay. I will.

Midwife 2 walked in whilst I was feeding and said "oh no, don't push down on your boob, it will cause a blocked duct. He will be able to breathe just fine". Oh. Okay then, I thought. So I stopped doing it.

Midwife 1 later saw me breastfeeding without pushing my finger into my boob and told me off and said something like "did you not understand when I said you would suffocate your baby". I just stayed silent because I'd reached my limit at that point and frankly I didn't care what the weirdo had to say.

There was another really shitty midwife when it came to feeding too who seemed determined to be as contrary and unhelpful as humanly possible.

I agree with the poster that anything to do with women is underfunded. But I've had a lot of NHS care for various health issues in my life, and there are good and bad staff everywhere. However, I have to say that I have never encountered such malicious and nasty healthcare staff as I did in the postnatal ward. That's not to say that there weren't some amazing midwives too, and plenty of average ones as you'd expect in any job, healthcare or otherwise. But the nasty ones weren't just a bit shit at their jobs or overstretched like I've experienced elsewhere, they really seemed to actively hate mothers. There's a huge cultural problem.

I was 36 and 37 when I had mine.

I was patronised and treated like an idiot (I have a 1st class degree and a very responsible job).

I think it just depends on the staff who are there at the time.

I have seen unkind treatment of younger mothers. I wasn't one myself, but definitely saw staff talking to some new mums in a way they wouldn't have to me. One woman was read the riot act about getting contraception sorted out (and she didn't look like a teenager) yet when I was asked about contraceptives post birth the midwife said she couldn't advise me, and I'd need to talk to my GP.

Another young mum came on the ward having had an EMCS - she'd started labour in the midwife-led unit where she'd have had her own room. Her partner had come to see her on the ward with the car seat - not necessary at that moment, and it was pretty cramped, but the way she was told to deal with it was very unkind - and quite how she personally could have dealt with it was a mystery as she had a catheter in.

Not all my care was ideal, and as I'd been in a while before giving birth, I'd got pretty good at standing up for myself when necessary, but no-one tried patronising me.