Young mums treated badly post labour

[Youg]

I’m still working through some sadness about one of my kids births. I had been in Labour and not slept for days, I then ended up with an emergency c section under general anaesthetic. This was late at night. Over the night I was kept in a room with glass windows with a nurse watching over and told I wasn’t to hold or feed my baby. My boyfriend was told to stay so he could look after baby. They wouldn’t let me breast feed or hold him.

Then the next morning they took me up to a ward on the bed, I was in a room with women who’d had normal births. They took my catheter out and I said I needed the toilet and they told me to get up and go, I couldn’t walk - I was in agony and the nurse berated me ‘of course you can walk, people give birth all the time you’re being ridiculous’ the toilet was at the end of the room in in and down the corridor a bit.

I felt totally worthless, like I was already considered a failure. Then the breastfeeding lady came around and asked why I wasn’t breastfeeding, I told her I had planned too but wasn’t allowed to after the birth. She said along the lines of ‘it’s fine to just say you didn’t want too, most people your age don’t’ and then left. Again I felt like a failure.

My baby was ill due to how long they’d left me in Labour with my waters broke so we had to stay for 5 days. I was completely ignored and was in tears every night. I pushed the buzzer for help picking him up the first night as I was in so much pain and the nurse came and said ‘your his mum not me’. Eventually my boyfriend paid for a private room and said he’s staying over on the floor as I was a mess.

Anyway, I just assumed this was how they treat mothers but I’ve since had another baby and am now older and I realise just how awful they were to me as a young mother. With my youngest I was listened to, respected, not berated, they cared for me - even though it was clear to see they were a lot thinner on the ground than they were many years ago. I truly believe my age was the reason I was treated badly the first time.

Did any other young mothers experience this treatment? I want to do something about this, as a 19 year old mother who’d had a traumatic birth with an ill baby, The attitudes towards me just topped up a feeling of failure and I don’t want other young mums to experience this.

What can I do?

I think post natal care in general is very poor. It is part of the reason I only have one child. I think a lot of it that women who have just given birth are not ill or sick and so don't get the care that a poorly person would. Even c sections are not seen in the same way that other abdominal surgeries would be seen in.

I don't think it's an age thing. I had my eldest (now 18) in the Midlands in my early 30's. My second was born in Scotland in my late 30's. With the odd exception, I found the midwives to be rude, uncaring, lazy and impatient in both hospitals.

The first time I was in a 4 bed bay with 3 other women. We would go hours (literally 4-5 hours) without seeing a single member of staff. We had to change our own (blood soaked) bed sheets as nobody else was going to. I had been given too much epidural so I couldn't move my legs for the first few hours. When I tried to explain this to a midwife she shouted at me and told me I was wrong.

Having worked as a nurse for 30+ years I don't understand how they still get away with it now. If I treated my patients like that I would get disciplined.

Oh that's weird! It wasn't at Queen Mary's Roehampton by any chance was it? Those are pretty much the exact words she used!

I was treated very badly and I was an old mother

I was 20 when I gave birth to DD. None of the midwives believed I was in labour , I got now DH to ring up and was told no you aren't get in the bath. I kept rushing to the toilet and I said to DH I'm going in now. , walked to the delivery suite and the midwife refused to believe I was in labour. My water broke on the spot and she finally checked and said you're "10cm dilated" I had no pain relief nothing DD born within 30 mins and I'd been having contractions for 3 days and no sleep. I was left with bladder damage and urge incontinence it hasnt been right since. I would never let them treat me like that again I know my own body.

I gave birth at 22. 34 and 40.

I was treated like absolute shit all three times. Just expected to be the second and third time so it was easier to deal with and less upsetting.

I was called a “stupid girl” though for repeatedly asking if my first was breathing okay - until it turned out he had fluid on his lungs and wasn’t anymore. That was a low point.

yes. I was a teen mum. I was induced and I had the most awful midwife. By the evening I was in so much pain and she told my mum and partner that I wasn’t in labour yet and as visiting hours are over they have to go home. I was pacing that room with tears streaming down my face as the pain was so unbearable. When it got to the point I could no longer walk I kept buzzing the buzzer and the midwife was getting pissed off with me, shouting at me that I’m being stupid as I’m not in labour and that pressing the buzzer will not get me an examination. She’ll literally throw paracetamol at me from across the room. I still kept pressing that buzzer, I was petrified! She then angrily did an examination and my god did she hurt me. She said ‘just as I kept telling you, you’re not in labour there’s no progression’! Then she huffed as she fucked off out the room. An hour after that it was shift change over and new midwives came in an examined me. Thank god for that as I was 6-7cm!

it was just as shit on delivery. The midwife i had been assigned there kept sternly telling me I was inhaling the gas wrong and in the end she snatched it off me and wouldn’t let me have it. I gave birth with no pain relief and my baby was stuck in my birth canal for 3 hours. During that time she hooked me up to a drip to strengthen my contractions even more to help push her down. My god I was traumatised from it. I was ripped to pieces and had never felt pain like it.

my baby wasn’t suckling properly so on the post natal ward I was told not to breast feed. But she couldn’t bottle feed very well either so it made no difference how I tried to feed her. Non the less I persevered with the bottle feeding whilst trying her on the breast in between. A midwife came in, saw me trying to breastfeed her and then ripped open the curtain for all the mothers, fathers and other family members in the bays opposite to see me with my tit out and then proceeded to shout at me for trying to breast feed her. She ripped my boob from her mouth and proper scorned me for it. I was in tears!

if this happened now I would have complained no end, stood up for myself and would have been sending some stern letters to those higher. But as I was so young I thought it was normal.

I’ve had two more in my thirties and the difference in treatment has been astounding! I definitely put it down to my age. The other mothers around me weren’t being treated like that.

Midwives are like any cliquey cohort , they become hardened and ( generalising ) get into an us and them mindset..and also like a lot of nurses ( ex nurse here ) adopt attitudes and practices based frankly almost on superstition especially around pain...just bizarre to watch educated women supposedly meant to use evidence based practice and the patient experience use their "intuition " to deduce pain scales and shame patients who dont fit their script . And dont blame staff shortages , theyve always been prone to this .

I asked for help just to get my baby out of the see thru cot and to get back into bed as I am short (under 5ft) and just couldn't do it as I was so sore.

She just had to hand him to me.

The nurse wouldn't help.

That baby is in his mid 30s now. So it seems like things haven't improved since the 1980s.

I too left hospital early as I knew I would have my DH at home to help.

I read the op but can't read any of the responses, you've already realised that you are not alone and it's not necessarily down to your age.

I was 30 and the same as you and more, missed pre eclampsia, emergency Cs, baby couldn't feed but no one would help then pediatrician shouted at me to give him a bottle because he was starving, ended up in neo natal for 10 days, honestly it just went on and on.

I repeatedly tried to write it all down and complain but it was just too painful. Eventually (years later) diagnosed with PTSD and to be honest I've never tried to deal with it, I reason I'll never put myself in that position again (and so never have another baby).

If it's still on your mind making you upset or angry fair chance it's PTSD.

So sorry for your experience, I hope it isn't as common as it appears.

All my births many years ago were absolutely ok at the time…could think now about negative problems but now twenty years later I really am ok .
My daughter had the perfect birth in Dec 2019 at RSCH in Brighton. The midwives,anaesthetist and everyone on duty were kind ,lovely and amazing.
The community midwife came in on her day off to deliver my beautiful grandchild

It might be age related or it might not. My mum had me at 24 and had poor treatment. I had DS at 27 and had a mixture of lovely midwives and terrible ones. One actually started ignoring me when I made the decision to stop breastfeeding. This was after I'd been told my latch was perfect etc etc but we were readmitted due to failure to thrive... so clearly something was wrong. They had no interest in helping me find out what was wrong they just had me hooked up like a dairy cow every 2/3 hours. Sorry that went off topic. He's almost 3 and I'm still a bit mad about it.

I don't think it's to do with age. There's a reason midwives have such a poor reputation - a significant number are absolute weapons, midwifery seems to attract them.

I was 31 when I had my first baby and was treated very badly by two midwives when I was in labour. My community midwife was fantastic though and she helped me lodge a complaint afterwards plus I was in contact with one of the main tv channels who were making a programme about how badly so many women are treated when in labour so my complaint was taken very seriously and the two horrible midwives were dealt with.

I got treated similar but I was 30 especially about the catheter being taken out and getting up when I was in agony and totally spaced out on loads of drugs. My husband was also pushing me in a wheelchair to nicu to see my baby as I felt so unwell and they told me I should be walking and acted like I was totally ridiculous. I know you've got to get up and about but it's just the way they were so nasty and uncaring about how I felt.

I don't think it's age op inthink it's the staff, but what a horrible lot they were!!! Hope your ok xx

I was treated poorly with first and second (21 and 23) but I had my third at 37 and was treated very respectfully I assumed it was due to times and attitude changing but maybe it was age. I remember going into shops as a teen and being watched by shop staff that would never happen now. I think with age and experience comes a sense of entitlement and authority so people are less likely to challenge perhaps.

I was 20 when I had my first child. I'd had a crash section, PPH another complications. I was quite unwell and DS had been sick on his cot sheets. I gathered up my saline drip and my catheter and went to the linen cupboard down the corridor to find a fresh sheet. I got back to the ward and realised that I'd picked up a pillowcase instead. The midwife called me a 'silly girl' and rolled her eyes and it wasn't in a jokey or affectionate manner. I cried as I felt so utterly useless and defeated in that moment. It's always stuck with me and tainted my view of healthcare professionals somewhat.

I was treated terribly as a young mum at 21 both before and after birth.

People get defensive when you suggest ageism comes into it, as actually a lot of people have bad labour/post-natal experiences but there were moments very clearly related to how old I was (as there was for you and the comments about breastfeeding)

So, no, you aren't paranoid, some of it is about age.

But, there is nothing I could do. I have mostly let it go, and concentrate on enjoying my kids growing up.

@Youg yes reading this was quite similar to my first experience with my first daughter I was 19 years old and had a really bad time from a traumatic birth to being broken to like crap and treated badly witch then resulted in me having PND I have since had a baby 8 years later my my youngest is 6 months old and I have the best experience I could possibly have from birth to midwife's, I think it depends on your midwife that makes or breaks your experience witch is pretty sad really as we as woman put our lives and our babies in the hands of these people for them to treat us soo badly but not all midwife's are like that and my recent experience was amazing

I had all my children in my 20s, my first at 20 and I do remember a few healthcare professionals that were abrupt and patronising. I don't know if my age was the cause though I think it probably was. With my first baby I was pregnant after a very short relationship and at my booking in appointment, the midwife seemed to be asking too many questions about the baby's father, asking his name, date of birth, phone number etc. I told her I wasn't giving any details as he wasn't going to be involved and was met with a head tilt and deep sigh. Bitch.

Was just about to say this. I had some awful treatment as a teen mum, but also one really lovely midwife too. Then I’ve had shitty treatment as an adult. I think the difference is I’m much much more confident and outspoken now - much more likely to complain about rudeness and mistreatment and demand better treatment. When I was younger I was more timid and thought if these professionals were telling me xyz it must be me that’s wrong. I was easier to mistreat. Now I’m not like that.

But I’m so sorry. It’s supposed to be a time when you are cared for in your vulnerability. To be treated badly at that time is awful and disgusting.