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Original poster

Argument over hair style, how much autonomy do you give your child?

46 replies

Cannotfindanewname · 30/09/2022 11:11

Just wondering how other parents deal with autonomy over their "style"?

Having come from a very shitty background, with much abuse on many different levels, I always promised I would do things differently if I ever had a child. At 8 years old I was taken to a hairdresser, where I had my very long (and rubbishly fine) hair cut into what can only be described as a spikey haircut. I was devastated, there was no discussion about it and I looked ridiculous (think elfin and you wouldn't be far off!).

I have a 10 year old ds now, and I've been true to my promise that he would never feel the way I did growing up, I'm very proud to have broken the cycle that could so easily have continued HOWEVER I feel its coming back to bite me on the ass.
I've allowed him total autonomy over his hair, taking the path of his hair, his choice but omg, it truly is terrible. He decided he wanted to grow it out (thanks Zac Efron 🙄), so he has...except he absolutely won't do anything in the way of styling it so it actually looks remotely nice, it's almost basin like (like the bloke out of the inbetweeners). We've had a huge fall out this morning as its his last ever primary school photo and I asked him to allow me or his dad to style it so he looked a bit smarter, the meltdown was something I haven't seen in about 3 or 4 years (no SN, not even a remote chance).

We've tried to be really nice about how bad it looks, we've been blunt, we've used humour but he simply won't listen and looks terrible, and I simply don't know what to do about it. I can't take him to the barber and tell them to just shave it off, although I wish I could.

Have we done the wrong thing by "allowing" him to have so much choice over how he looks whilst he is still young? How much choice do other children his age have over things like hair styles?

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 30/09/2022 11:15

His hair, his choice. One day you'll look back at the photos and laugh together

Wanda616 · 30/09/2022 11:17

When he's an adult and looks at the photo and says "mum why didn't you sort my hair?" You'll enjoy saying "I told you so". Don't worry about it. So long as its washed fairly frequently and combed occasionally it's fine.

Hearthnhome · 30/09/2022 11:17

I don’t think you have some anything wrong other than trying to insist he must look like what you want him to for a photo.

As long as my kids hair was clean and brushed, they can have it how they want. I think ds suits his hair short. He wants it longer so it stays longer.

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ThatWriterInTheCorner · 30/09/2022 11:21

As long as it's clean and it doesn't have objectionable symbols shaved into it - I'd honestly just let him have his hair how he wants it. And please don't tell him his hair looks terrible, I don't blame him for being hugely upset by that. How would you feel if he said that to you?

All school photos are objectively hideous, regardless of your hairstyle. Maybe in ten years' time your DS will look back at his current haircut and laugh at himself, or maybe he'll still think it looks great. But either way - wouldn't you rather his memory of this time was "my mum loved and supported me in being myself" rather than "my mum told me my hair looked terrible even though I really liked it"?

romdowa · 30/09/2022 11:22

Sounds like you went too far the other way and gave too much freedom. A middle ground would probably have been better. So saying you can have your hair how you like but you must take care of it, have regular trims etc etc .

eyeteevee · 30/09/2022 11:22

Have we done the wrong thing by "allowing" him to have so much choice over how he looks whilst he is still young?

No. That was the good part.

The bit you did wrong is trying to apply conditions to it. Such as you want to style it for him, you have told him home bad it looks - bluntly, nicely and with humour. That is making an issue over nothing.

You say you have allowed him total autonomy but really you have done the opposite. You have allowed him the choice but repeatedly told him his choice is not acceptable.

Poor kid.

boredOf · 30/09/2022 11:25

You won't win this battle. Let him do his own hair and he will probably hate it in a few years.
You might all giggly Grin

Original poster
Cannotfindanewname · 30/09/2022 11:26

I agree with you all, I honestly do, but he says he doesn't like his hair either 🥴 he just dislikes styling it more than he dislikes it as a whole (if that makes sense). He only had his hair cut yesterday, he looks no different and is now annoyed that it doesnt look any different...but when sat in the chair he will only have a very small amount taken off. I don't understand it, and i dont think he does either 😆

OP posts:
Boombaker · 30/09/2022 11:27

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. I would say as long as its hygenic i.e. clean and brushed and not knotted/matted then that's ok. If it isn't being kept in good condition then the deal if he is not managing to look after it properly it would need to be cut into a more manageable style.

My now 17yo now laughs at some.if his terrible hairstyles as a child, he knew what he wanted though and wouldn't deviate! Not done him any harm.

NotAMouse · 30/09/2022 11:27

Op I get how hard it is know what’s normal when you’ve grown up with anything but. And fwiw my mother did the same to me, everyone thought I was a boy.

Let your son do what he wants with it, the more you push the more stubborn he’ll be!

One tactic may be to talk to your husband/friends when he’s in earshot and talk loudly about HOW COOL HIS HAIR IS and how initially it took some getting used to but NOW I LOVE IT…

you will look back and laugh at the photo whilst he cringes

Wanda616 · 30/09/2022 11:28

Cannotfindanewname · 30/09/2022 11:26

I agree with you all, I honestly do, but he says he doesn't like his hair either 🥴 he just dislikes styling it more than he dislikes it as a whole (if that makes sense). He only had his hair cut yesterday, he looks no different and is now annoyed that it doesnt look any different...but when sat in the chair he will only have a very small amount taken off. I don't understand it, and i dont think he does either 😆

Is there any possibility he is a wizard and is making it grow back subconsciously, à la Harry Potter?

Original poster
Cannotfindanewname · 30/09/2022 11:29

But I don't agree with eyeteevee. Your response is coming across as if I have in some way abused him, you couldn't be more wrong and I don't need your pity for my child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cannotfindanewname · 30/09/2022 11:33

He is a very hygienic young man, thankfully. I'm in no doubt that will change once he hits his teens but he showers most days.

Maybe I'll just stop giving it brain space and let him get on with it, as much as I'd love him to have a nicely styled head if hair 😆

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BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 30/09/2022 11:37

It will improve as he grows. I let my DD choose her hairstyle and there was a period when it was tricky (part afro hair and hard to take care of). She couldn't properly keep it under control so was getting a lot tangles and mattes, but also wouldn't let me brush it for her at all let alone daily. I kept wanting to have it cut a bit shorter and she refused. But now she has got the hang of looking after it, and she let her aunt thin it out a bit.

Point out his inconsistency (doesn't like it but also won't cut it shorter) and let him figure it out for himself. Also, school photos don't really matter much so don't stress about that.

StapFooterin · 30/09/2022 11:37

It's difficult to watch your child making choices that don't do them any favours. My 14yo DS currently has very long hair. His hair is beautiful - black, wavy and shiny - but it spends most of its time looking like a bird's nest. He was very frustrated as he tried to tie it back for school this morning - lots of moaning and groaning as he grappled with the hair elastic. Glaring at me as if it was me who made him grow it long! He asked me to take him for a haircut about a year ago and I was thinking 'YES!!!', but then he changed his mind. Don't get me wrong, I like long hair on boys, but DS seems to be constantly battling it as it fights back and wins😅 My youngest goes through phases of wanting long hair, but he recognises the fact his hair grows out rather than down, then he asks to have it cut. All part of the big hair learning curve. If they take after DP, they won't have too many years to worry about it!

bert3400 · 30/09/2022 11:41

Honestly just let him get on with it. The more you push the stronger his resolve will be. My DS13 has grown out his hair into 'curtains' ....it looks ridiculous but it's his choice and I accept that.

Etinoxaurus · 30/09/2022 11:43

You sound like a lovely mum 🥰
Hairstyles and clothes are low hanging fruit in the parenting stakes. Let them get on with it 😊
Mine are boringly smartly groomed mid twenties now but their school photos are a hoot- nose rings, Police style roots (the group) wonky fringes, burgundy and a variety of highlights, some better than others.

latetothefisting · 30/09/2022 11:47

I'd let him get on with it for now but next time he's due a cut remind him - you say you don't like your hair but last time we went to the barber you wouldn't let them take much off. If you want your hair to look different you will need to let them trim it more.

Maybe find some photos of celebrities or friends whose hair he likes and get him to agree to that? And remind him that even if he doesn't like it it will grow back quickly?

StandingInTheMoment · 30/09/2022 11:51

As long as it’s clean and combed and he can see, who cares. I wish more kids didn’t give a fuck what they looked like. He’s not an accessory for you to style. Commenting negatively on how your child looks is horrible.

Umbellifer · 30/09/2022 11:52

I do what @romdowa suggests, DC can do what they want with their hair so long as it’s acceptable to school and they have a regular trim to keep whatever the style is as neat as possible. It seems to work ok…

Allmarbleslost · 30/09/2022 11:52

Total autonomy as long as it won't get them suspended from school.

TheLoupGarou · 30/09/2022 11:56

His head his choice.

Fwiw my son is similar.

Original poster
Cannotfindanewname · 30/09/2022 11:59

StandingInTheMoment · 30/09/2022 11:51

As long as it’s clean and combed and he can see, who cares. I wish more kids didn’t give a fuck what they looked like. He’s not an accessory for you to style. Commenting negatively on how your child looks is horrible.

Which would be all well and good if he didn't give a fuck what he looks like, but he very much does! His clothing style is awesome, he has very cool taste, he has picked his clothes for quite a long time now. I guess he's just trying to get to grips with his hair because he doesn't really know what to do with it. He openly admits that he is lazy, which is why he doesn't like styling it.

OP posts:
purpleboy · 30/09/2022 12:05

Can you look at styles together and see if something appeals to him?
My dd is insistent on long hair after I let her cut it all off and she hated it, but she also hates maintaining it.
Tough luck, you want long hair it has to be brushed. She did cut a 1 inch fringe during lockdown though 🤦🏽‍♀️ stuck straight up in the air!
Hate bloody hair!

Original poster
Cannotfindanewname · 30/09/2022 12:06

Etinoxaurus · 30/09/2022 11:43

You sound like a lovely mum 🥰
Hairstyles and clothes are low hanging fruit in the parenting stakes. Let them get on with it 😊
Mine are boringly smartly groomed mid twenties now but their school photos are a hoot- nose rings, Police style roots (the group) wonky fringes, burgundy and a variety of highlights, some better than others.

Thank you for your first comment, I feel I have to try harder than most to get things right with ds due to not wanting to turn into my mother (hence why I'm asking if I've done the right thing). I do have to really think about things because my whole childhood was skewed to the point of not knowing what's right and what's not.

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