Argument over hair style, how much autonomy do you give your child?

[Cannotfindanewname]

Just wondering how other parents deal with autonomy over their "style"?

Having come from a very shitty background, with much abuse on many different levels, I always promised I would do things differently if I ever had a child. At 8 years old I was taken to a hairdresser, where I had my very long (and rubbishly fine) hair cut into what can only be described as a spikey haircut. I was devastated, there was no discussion about it and I looked ridiculous (think elfin and you wouldn't be far off!).

I have a 10 year old ds now, and I've been true to my promise that he would never feel the way I did growing up, I'm very proud to have broken the cycle that could so easily have continued HOWEVER I feel its coming back to bite me on the ass.
I've allowed him total autonomy over his hair, taking the path of his hair, his choice but omg, it truly is terrible. He decided he wanted to grow it out (thanks Zac Efron 🙄), so he has...except he absolutely won't do anything in the way of styling it so it actually looks remotely nice, it's almost basin like (like the bloke out of the inbetweeners). We've had a huge fall out this morning as its his last ever primary school photo and I asked him to allow me or his dad to style it so he looked a bit smarter, the meltdown was something I haven't seen in about 3 or 4 years (no SN, not even a remote chance).

We've tried to be really nice about how bad it looks, we've been blunt, we've used humour but he simply won't listen and looks terrible, and I simply don't know what to do about it. I can't take him to the barber and tell them to just shave it off, although I wish I could.

Have we done the wrong thing by "allowing" him to have so much choice over how he looks whilst he is still young? How much choice do other children his age have over things like hair styles?

But I don't agree with eyeteevee. Your response is coming across as if I have in some way abused him, you couldn't be more wrong and I don't need your pity for my child.

That's quite a stretch from what I actually said, which was basically pointing out you haven't given him the freedom you think as you are repeatedly telling home it is not ok.

If you liken that to a suggestion of abuse i suspect you have a serious problem, please don't put it on to me though. I read your post and pointed out the obvious.

Ds was like this. I'd cut his hair as often as he wanted, which tended to be he'd grow it until it was practically a bob, then I'd cut it fairly short. He hated even brushing it.
I decided when he hit secondary school that he had to go to a barber and he was quite resistant, but I bribed him through it. Unfortunately lockdown hit, so it was back to me. I thought that would be it, and he wouldn't go back. However once they were open again, he went without too much pushing, and now not only does he normally ask when he thinks it's too long (which isn't anywhere near the point it is long) but he also normally brushes his hair in the morning without me saying anything.

This may not be helpful at the moment, but to give you a bit of hope :)

We do this when we're in the run up to his appointment but everything he says changes the second he's in the barber's chair 😆 he wants to look like Zac Efron in 17 Again but he doesn't have the right type of hair for it as his hair is so fine (the barber has told him this too) and he doesn't accept that Zac Efrons hair doesn't just fall like that, he spends time putting stuff in it to look like that, which is something ds isn't prepared to do.

This.

My 10 yo son has no autonomy over his hair style whatsoever. We tell the barber what he's having and that's it. He hasn't said he wants anything different so we've not had to deal with this.

One of mine was (and still is) very funny about his hair...hates to get a cut, won't style it, barely even brushes it. We eventually worked out that it wasn't about the hair at all, he has a problem with change. Having a hair cut really upset him on a fundamental level, and actively changing his appearence did too.
He's still pretty odd about at 19, with quite wild hair, but he washes it daily and brushes it, and he likes it. He will evtually get a hair cut of sorts when he can't actually see anymore....

But he doesn’t care enough as he’d do something about him. The fact you’re talking about his ‘style’ as ‘cool’ is ridiculous. He’s 10.

At 10, the only kids I know that cared what they looked like were the ones picking up the message from somewhere that looks mattered. At 10, that’s likely to be from parents, possibly from other kids who are getting it from their parents. But by commenting negatively about his hair you’re reinforcing this. It’s damaging.

My DH had a haircut he hated when he was young but didnt really care, couldnt style it. His nan used to literally put a colander over his head and cut around it. It looked like a basin with full fringe. School photos were hilarious and it is a running joke with family. DH says they are happy memories even with a rubbish haircut. He did start to look after his hair and style when he got older and even now in his fifties, my DH has great hair/style. I am sure when your DS is older he will start to take interest in his style.

Would he take advice better from the barber? A good barber should be able to advise if the style he wants is possible with his hair type.

I had the same background as you OP.

My three can do what they like with their hair (within school rules, obviously).

My ds has always had shagggy from scooby doo hair. He’s 20 now and still had floppy hair, although he has learned to style it a bit to look smart for work.

My girls longish (which makes me smile as I always was made to have very short hair), but they have experimented with cutting in fringes/layers etc and they can dye it a bright colour on the first day of the summer holidays if they like. And if they wanted to cut it short, I wouldn’t stop them.

The only thing I have ever told them to do is wash it regularly, they all do so most days. But that’s only because I was only ever allowed to wash mine once a week, even as a teen and was horrendously bullied for having greasy/smelly hair.

My only rule was daft haircuts were for the summer holidays, so undercuts, stripes, mohawks etc. They also had to be within the school rules when they went back so they would need to have it cut to a normal style when they returned, even if it meant being cut rather short.

I think you've done the right thing by promoting bodily autonomy.

Ds1 has been at university for the last 4 years with long, unstyled hair, this year he has to start planning for a job so has had it cut and styled in preparation.
Let him be himself.

Just leave him alone! My dc have autonomy over their hair, as long as it’s kept clean, brushed and tied back if needed.

You’re doing great!
Funnily enough although I had a good childhood, an over interest in appearances are one thing I think my mum got very wrong, not allowed to have hair cut, encouraged to get it permed (which was horrendous) not allowed to colour, strict rules about clothes and looking ‘vulgar’ hence my going the other way and letting them get on with it. Sometimes as with your ds they’re sad that somethings ‘gone wrong’ and then you commiserate and reassure them that it’ll grow, suggest ways of toning it down etc.

"We've tried to be really nice about how bad it looks, we've been blunt, we've used humour but he simply won't listen and looks terrible"

YOU think it looks terrible, but it seems that he doesn't, and doesn't want to have his hair changed. You remember being a similar age - even younger - and being unhappy because your mother forced you to have your hair cut in a way you didn't want and not in a way you liked. It's good that you're not actively forcing your son's haircut, but it sounds like you're trying to force what he does with his hair just the same, only less directly.

Would you like it if your mother now, your DH, some other loved one, started consistently making comments about something about the way you've chosen to look? Really nicely, bluntly, with humour, over and over? Because of your hair, because of your clothing, your body, or whatever? Wouldn't you find this unpleasant?

Are you me 😂 your "shaggy from scooby doo" is pretty much what it's like now. Ds said a few months back about having a big forehead, he absolutely doesn't and, although he swears nobody at school has said something, I'm convinced something has been said as it's such an odd thing to come out with. I'm also sure that's why he won't style it, in case his forehead is on show.

Like you, I was only allowed to wash my hair on a Sunday. I have very greasy hair so I always felt very self conscious and I would sneak a freezing cold hair wash under the bath tap at least once a week at 4am before anyone else was awake.

Just to be clear, I am not constantly berating him for his hair style. This comes up occasionally, mainly when it's time for a trim and he's constantly flicking his head because his hair is annoying his eyes.

Sounds as though you’ve gone entirely the other way and parented him without boundaries. That’s equally as damaging

I disagree. I let my kids cut short as they like (5yr old dd got a boy cut a few years back) but I wouldn’t let them fully decide if they were going to look awful. It’s a balance! Mine are given a lot of independence and responsibility but they do know that DH and I will sometimes intervene and make a call in their best interest.

so I’d be saying to him to stop arising about, hair looks terrible and basic care means he needs a cut and tidy. And book him in.

That is absolutely not what we have done, I can assure you. What I have done is found other ways of providing boundaries in a completely different way to what was imposed on me through my childhood.

YYY to @StandingInTheMoment

I have observed the same.

Boundaries are not rules.

Boundaries are not imposed.

Boundaries are a clear understanding of where you end and other people begin. It's something you learn when it's modeled or from a good therapist amd a lot of reflection. Healthy relationships stem from a good sense of boundaries.

I’ve always let me kids do what they want (within reason) to their hair. DS recent cut is a Mohawk - he had to compromise for a more main stream version. Up to this he had longer hair which I preferred but it’s not my hair so…

The only time I comment on their hair is if it’s dirty otherwise I leave them to it. I certainly wouldn’t make comments about it looking a mess etc as hair is very personal and that would feel like a really horrible thing to do. I offer to ‘do’ my kids hair but respect it if they say no