Urgent - meeting with school about DS(10) - please help me be articulate!

[Acunningruse]

DS (10) has been subjected to some fairly low-level, niggly behaviour by another boy in his class throughout his school life. This seems to have escalated this school year and most days DS is being called 'weird' or 'gay'. I have a meeting with school today to discuss what they plan to do about this. Points of note:

• The child in question has an ADHD diagnosis and EHCP (which i suspect is why school have allowed it to continue)
• Its a small school with mixed year classes so no option to move classes
• We have raised it on and off previously and it dies down for a bit then raises its head again
• this child is dominating most aspects of my sons school life- hes a very dominant personality type and he chooses the football teams at break, he is distracting in class, he wanders around during class (I know this to be the case as DP volunteers in school and has seen this)

I am so het up I can't think clearly but I have a meeting with school this afternoon. What would you say???

Thanks

Hopeful bump

What do you want to achieve in this meeting?

Remember a diagnosis is not an excuse for a behaviour it's an explanation, so don't let them try and diminish your son's experiences by saying this child has issues. They should be ensuring both boys needs are met and not at the expense of the other.

Keep focused on what you want out of this meeting.

I just want DS to be happy. To feel confident at school rather than his behaviour is always being scrutinised by another child and picked up on.

So is the ideal outcome for the other boy to be supported in a way to prevent your child becoming the target for his behaviours?

Don't focus on the other child focus on how your child is being let down ,the school haveca duty of care to all children

The other boy is not your problem. He has his own parents, teachers etc to look after him. Your DS is who YOU are concerned about and he is being treated unacceptably. Keep the focus on him and him only.

Yes but by offering up a solution it may help the OP remain on point.

"My child is struggling as a result of this child's behaviours can you please make sure adequate provision is in place to meet his needs so as he doesn't continue to bully my son"

This, it’s very easy to go down the route of trying to discuss another child but the school can’t share their plans for that child with you.

Of course you’ll need to briefly mention the other child and it may come up lots of times in a general way, but concentrate on your DS.

The school will know what you’re implying (issues with the behaviour of another child impacting you DS).

Have a look at their behaviour and bullying policy and if they are not following it then you need to challenge this. It sounds as though it hits a bullying threshold (persistent and targeted) so ensure that it is dealt with as such. Be sure to use the word bullying.

Your concern is your own child. They have a duty if care for his welfare and they should have practices in place (hence the policies) to safeguard him. Be clear on getting a plan of interventions and monitoring as per policy and ask them to ensure follow ups are adhered to.

You need to keep it about your son only. It's irrelevant that the boy is wondering around school, the school will be aware.
You need to take all emotion out of it. Keep to the facts, don't embellish, but don't under estimate it's impacts on your son either.
Eg "Ds came home from school on Monday upset (tearful? Angry? Insert emotion that you son expressed to you) because X called him gay"
DS is (name ds's emotion here) that he doesn't get picked/ get picked last for the football team during break time.
"I am finding the low level bullying which Ds has been subjected to over the last few years is escalating, and I'm wondering what insurances/ safeguards the school can put in place, as it's now having a negative impact on Ds' confidence (or behaviour or whatever fits for your son)"

It's fine to question the school on how they will stop the bullying and ensure your son gets the education he deserves, but don't get angry, don't be on the attack.

Write down what you want to say, and keep tweaking it until you feel it's factual and emotion free.

Good luck and fingers crossed things improve for your son.

I would start and finish with this statement, because it sums it up nicely.

As PP have said, keep the focus on your child and what is happening to him - you can say that it is all down to the same perpetrator but keep the focus on your child, what he is experiencing every day and the effect it is having. That it's not the first time you've spoken to them about this and yet it is still continuing.

I do think that in such a small school it's going to be difficult to avoid a dominant personality - are there any larger schools nearby that your DS could move to? The other child sounds like a big fish in a small pond, he'll be less of an influence in a bigger school (like a secondary). I hope you get something sorted, OP, it's an awful feeling when your child is not happy at school.

Yes you need to be able to quote their anti bullying policy to them. Ask them how they are going to adhere to that policy and stop this bullying (as pp said use that word). Also mention the homophobic aspect of all this, as they should have a policy on that too.
The other child and their issues are not your problem or your ds problem.

Agree with this.
The other child may have issues, which are not something that you yourself can sort but their behaviour is also causing your DC to have issues which is something that you can solve by expecting the school to take action against.

Having ADHD & EHCP shouldn't be an excuse to allow bullying in any form but unfortunately seems to be becoming the normal thing.
During the hours while your DC is in school and out of your care it's the staff's job to make sure your DC feels safe in their surroundings.
Maybe a reminder to the teacher that you don't pick on your child at home and in no uncertain terms should they allow it while DC is under the care of the school.

Formulate questions so that they have to tell you what they are doing to support your son. alA diagnosis is not an excuse but it is a reason. ....what are you doing to prevent my son being a target? What are you doing to make sure my son is safe in the class room? Etc.

Take notes with you if you think you may get flustered eg specific examples.
I agree focus on your son. Reasons why other boy might be doing this aren’t your issue.
Can you agree a specific strategy eg if x calls son a name what do school want him to do.
Can they be seated apart. If x comes over to disrupt son what is strategy?
Football - can school come up with any suggestions eg DD’s school yr 6 were play leaders on a rota and taught games to little ones some breaks.
Do you know where x going to secondary? Hopefully this year is last yr your son has to be with him.

I would focus on the name calling and as previous posters say focus only on your son and his experience. The school will probably talk about ways your son can support himself which might be irritating but try to remember that they can't talk to you about anything that is in place for the other child.

Personally, I'd try not to focus on the other boy having a dominant personality type...this makes it sound pettier than bullying and a school aren't really going to worry about who is picking football teams at break times or the fact he is loud and distracting.

I'd focus on the name calling, especially using 'gay' as an insult.

What does the school's 'mission' or motto say? Ours is something like 'Helping every child to thrive'. Have a look on their website before you go to check. Then focus on what they are doing to make sure YOUR child is thriving/happy/enjoying/learning. They might try to make this meeting about the other boy, but keep the conversation on track by saying "but this meeting is to discuss my child and what are you doing to make sure my child is thriving, so can we focus on that?" It is their duty to make sure he is. You're doing the right thing by raising it with the school, stay firm.
It sounds very similar to my 8 year olds situation. He's got a "best friend", who he bonded with in reception, but this friend has turned out to be very domineering in similar ways to what you described above, telling him who he can and can't play with at break times, "accidentally" tripping him over when they are having running races, so he gets to win, snapped his bag when they are playing, if he's playing with other kids he will get the ball and kick if off over the fence thinking it's funny. This other boy doesn't have a diagnosis, I just think he's very spoiled, gets his own way at home, is very competitive, not very kind and regularly in trouble for not doing as he's told in class. he's been making my child's school life miserable. My son is very easy going and just wants to play and get along with everyone, but because of their history of being pals, and the domineering other, feels like he's got no choice. We flagged it with his teachers who said they would keep an eye on it, (they separate them as much as possible. What I think Is having the most impact is encouraging our son to build his confidence, remind him of his right to choose who he plays with, what makes a good friend etc and standing up for himself. We're starting karate soon too. It's hard, good luck, let us know what the school say.

Yes very much agree with the focus on serious issues not things that can be brushed off as boys not rubbing along. Using a homophobic slur against your son is totally unacceptable. School can’t ignore that.

State very clearly that your child "is being bullied".

Don't say "minor bullying". Don't say "low-level, niggly behaviour". Call it what it clearly is: bullying.

Then state very clearly that the bullying is making your child is miserable.

Next put the spotlight on them: ask what the school's anti bullying policy is, ask what the school intends to do about the bullying.

They may not even ask you for the specifics, as they probably know exactly what's going on. If they do ask, state clearly that your boy is being "verbally abused every day". If they ask for more specifics say that you know the abuse includes being called "gay". That should be enough for them to act.

Don't make them meeting about you proving that he is being bullied. Don't feel compelled to list a long "laundry list" of incidents. Stick to "I know my son is being bullied, what are you doing about it".

Be prepared, if the school (or the other parents) are sneaky, they might try and turn things around by saying something like "oh, it's funny you say that. We can see that the two boys play together and are actually good friends. Sometimes they fall out, like all friends do, and maybe your boy is too sensetive to that?"

If that happens, shut it down straight away. Stick to: "No, my son is clearly being bullied. What is the school doing about it?"

Too many people use an adhd diagnosis as a 'get out of jail free' card and never try to discipline at all. Disability should never be used as an excuse to treat someone else badly. I'm with you.

Focus entirely on your son, not on the other boy's needs or diagnoses.

If they try to bring up any excuses about the bully's behaviour, cut it off right away: "X is not my concern and none of my business. What are you going to do to protect my son from him?"

This is completely irrelevant, the Op ,s focus is on how the school is letting her son down and what they are going to be doing to safeguard him.

The OPs focus will of course be on her son but the poster's point isnt irrelevant

One of the big issues with talking about discipline or children's behaviour is that there is a recent narrative that should a child have a particular disorder, usually ND, then somehow their behaviour can ALWAYS be explained via that disorder

Thats simply not true, children are children first and foremost, their disability does not define them, it is part of them but doesnt make up the whole. They have the capacity to be naughty in the same way as other children. Unpicking which is which is of course not straight forward, but there is a growing habit to write off all behaviour, particularly negative behaviour as a result of a disorder

Behaviour is not aways 'communication' it is often just what you see in front of you.

Ultimately the school need to set out how they are going to prevent the name calling, the bullying and the distracting students wandering around in the classroom as that is not good for any of the other children either

It's irrelevant on this occasion, because the Op is focusing on her child ,she's not getting into wwther the other child's behaviour is part of his disability or him being badly behaved or both ,that's not what the meeting is about ,its about how her child is being let down.And the school shouldn't be discussing the other child ,only how they ate going to resolve the issue and safeguard the Op,s son.