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Original poster

He said I'm being toxic and abusive

37 replies

yogonop · 27/09/2022 02:26

I feel guilty and can't sleep. I've been trying to reflect on my behaviour but I need an external point of view.

Sometimes when my husband and I argue, he goes for a walk to calm down and to get some space and fresh air. I never interfere and respect his desire to be left alone.

The thing is, the last few times it happened, he left me with our baby in the middle of the night for a few hours without telling me anything, or where he is going or when he is coming back. He would come back at 2am for instance. I get worried but try not to invade his privacy too much but I just can't sleep.

But the last time he did that, I called him and asked him if where he was and if he could come back, that we needed to talk.

Today he told me, out of the blue, that he did some research on the matter and found out that me calling him saying we needed to talk was a toxic trait I displayed and that it was mental abuse.

Is it?

OP posts:
LaBellina · 27/09/2022 02:32

Sounds like a typical case of DARVO.

Walking off in the middle of the night for hours, leaving your wife worried about where you went and alone with a baby isn’t exactly normal healthy behavior either.
He’s trying to gaslight you.

Original poster
yogonop · 27/09/2022 02:33

Just to clarify, it was in the middle of the night and I hadn't heard back from him in two hours. He didn't tell me anything, a d his car was gone

OP posts:
Original poster
yogonop · 27/09/2022 02:36

LaBellina · 27/09/2022 02:32

Sounds like a typical case of DARVO.

Walking off in the middle of the night for hours, leaving your wife worried about where you went and alone with a baby isn’t exactly normal healthy behavior either.
He’s trying to gaslight you.

Hes normally kind though. And I'm really confused because its not like he tried to tell me on the spot. This was weeks ago. We were just relaxing watching netflix and he said that.
The fact that he had to research it online worries me too

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 27/09/2022 02:38

If you are in the middle of a big argument and he left to calm down you should NOT be calling him. You are poking the wasps nest. Let him calm down.

You need to speak calmly with each other during the day and find out why you are arguing so much and what you both can do to mitigate it.

Just go to sleep and/or look after the baby, and stop worrying about where he is. Your priority is sleep and baby during the night.

Are you able to say why you are arguing so much as maybe someone here can give pointers on how to resolve the issue itself?

vodkaredbullgirl · 27/09/2022 02:41

Don't poke the bear, should just leave him to it to calm down.

Original poster
yogonop · 27/09/2022 02:47

But he got upset when I suggested I will let him calm down and leave him to calm down next time. He says he feels uncared for if I don't ask him to come back. And that he wants to chat before we go to bed. So he does expect me to stay awake.

He says that it's the "we need to talk" that is triggering as its like mental torture.

OP posts:
Original poster
yogonop · 27/09/2022 02:48

Pixiedust1234 · 27/09/2022 02:38

If you are in the middle of a big argument and he left to calm down you should NOT be calling him. You are poking the wasps nest. Let him calm down.

You need to speak calmly with each other during the day and find out why you are arguing so much and what you both can do to mitigate it.

Just go to sleep and/or look after the baby, and stop worrying about where he is. Your priority is sleep and baby during the night.

Are you able to say why you are arguing so much as maybe someone here can give pointers on how to resolve the issue itself?

Its extremely outing as its an addiction and an ongoing legal matter so I unfortunately can't give many details

OP posts:
Original poster
yogonop · 27/09/2022 02:49

yogonop · 27/09/2022 02:47

But he got upset when I suggested I will let him calm down and leave him to calm down next time. He says he feels uncared for if I don't ask him to come back. And that he wants to chat before we go to bed. So he does expect me to stay awake.

He says that it's the "we need to talk" that is triggering as its like mental torture.

Sorry for the redundant first sentence. I meant leave him to it and let him calm down.

OP posts:
Original poster
yogonop · 27/09/2022 02:50

Thank you ladies for your replies. I will back off and let him calm down next time

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 27/09/2022 03:00

Fair enough about the reasons, I thought it might be over who fed the baby kind of thing.

So he gets more angry if you call, but also upset if you don't? Thats manipulation and he can't have it both ways. Go with the easy option of not calling and getting some sleep instead, put yourself and the baby first. Deal with the argument calmly in the morning.

Original poster
yogonop · 27/09/2022 03:03

Pixiedust1234 · 27/09/2022 03:00

Fair enough about the reasons, I thought it might be over who fed the baby kind of thing.

So he gets more angry if you call, but also upset if you don't? Thats manipulation and he can't have it both ways. Go with the easy option of not calling and getting some sleep instead, put yourself and the baby first. Deal with the argument calmly in the morning.

I will just do that

Thank you xx

OP posts:
user443741922 · 27/09/2022 03:27

I would actually say it sounds like he is gas lighting you here.
Making you feel guilty for ringing to show you care but then making you feel guilty if you had just let him calm down and go to sleep.

So really he wants the drama & attention from you sitting worried and wanting him to come home. Which is probably why he is leaving in the first place.

I would suggest as others have, just leave him completely alone when he does this. He should just calm down and come home. It shouldn't be a play on your emotions to get attention and make you feel guilty.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 27/09/2022 03:45

He is fucking with your head.

Limpshade · 27/09/2022 03:57

He is trying to have it both ways.

If he wants to talk, then he should stay. If he doesn't want to talk, he can leave, and you should leave him alone.

He can't leave but then expect you to try and call him to have a chat. And then complain that you actually do. And then complain when you don't.

It all sounds very dramatic and attention seeking, and a good way of distracting from what is the real issue (his addiction, by the sounds of it?) He's gaslighting you, making you the issue when he's left for a reason that's now conveniently been swept under the rug.

Personally I couldn't deal with someone upping and leaving in the middle of an argument. I get needing to take a break sometimes, but why not go into the next room? Why all the drama of driving off in the middle of the night?

Limpshade · 27/09/2022 04:01

Him: Leaves in the night, leaving you worried and alone with a baby, so you are unable to leave. Plays on your anxiety about what he might be getting up to (his addiction, self-harm etc). Scolds you for deigning to call him. Scolds you for not calling him.

You: Call him because you're worried.

Whose behaviour sounds toxic to you?

LovelyChicken · 27/09/2022 04:02

So he fucks off in the middle of the night leaving you with the baby, simultaneously needs you to both contact him and not contact him, expects you to stay awake until he graces you with his presence? And then has the cheek to say you're mentally abusing him? This is abusive behaviour on his part, you do not need to 'reflect on your behaviour'. The nice/nasty is part of the cycle of abuse and keeps you hooked in to the relationship.

UserError012345 · 27/09/2022 04:29

To be honest him leaving in the middle of the night is not great behaviour.

It doesn't bode well if he's doing this frequently.

I mean who honestly gets that annoyed that they leave in the middle of the night to 'calm down'.
I certainly couldn't be bothered too and I'd be having a word with myself.

I'd go and sulk in another room (again not healthy) but genuinely couldn't be arsed actually leaving to roam about.

I don't think you were wrong to call him so you can sort it out especially at 2am.

UserError012345 · 27/09/2022 04:32

Next time lock him out or better still tell him not to come back . Why should you sit up worrying about where he is. You've got enough to think about with the baby. Arsehole.

VashtaNerada · 27/09/2022 04:48

DH used to do this - just leave in the middle of an argument without saying where he was going. Before we had children it was annoying but once the children came along it became downright unacceptable. On one occasion he stayed in a hotel overnight (without telling me where he’d gone or how long for, I only knew it was a hotel when it came up on the bank statement). I was nine months pregnant and had an older toddler at the time.
It’s such a horrible thing to do and it hasn’t happened in years but he still doesn’t really understand why I have a problem with it. I’ve never been so angry that I’ve had to leave the house without saying goodbye, explain where I’m going and make sure the kids are okay. I think it’s a horrible trait for someone to have.

Granforjam · 27/09/2022 06:01

If anything leaving in the middle of the night like that is the mentally abusive behavior. Why does he get to leave you worrying about whether he is okay and alone looking after the baby, unable to get sleep as he expects you to call?!

I think he said it was abusive to say 'we need to talk' as he took that be a threat that you were thinking of ending the relationship. If you CONSISTENTLY threatened to end the relationship during arguments, it could be mentally abusive. But what you did certainly wasn't and he's being ridiculous.

He needs to stop acting like a stroppy child and grow up. And realise it's not proper adult behavior to leave for hours rather than resolve the argument, which I bet is his fault!!

MzHz · 27/09/2022 06:05

yogonop · 27/09/2022 02:47

But he got upset when I suggested I will let him calm down and leave him to calm down next time. He says he feels uncared for if I don't ask him to come back. And that he wants to chat before we go to bed. So he does expect me to stay awake.

He says that it's the "we need to talk" that is triggering as its like mental torture.

A chat? At 2am!?

No. Fuck off. Well talk when both rested and not in the early hours

”expects me to stay up…” yeah right. Lock the fucker out until you wake up normal time.

is there someone else do you think?

you’re not being abusive btw… abusers NEVER ask themselves that question. If you are asking, you’re not.

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/09/2022 06:09

What utter tosh. It doesn't matter what argument you've had, you are his wife and hence are "allowed" to ring him at any time to check on his welfare and whereabouts without being called abusive.

The word "abusive" is so overused now. If you were ringing him to scream "you fucking useless cunt" down the phone then OK but otherwise no.

girlmom21 · 27/09/2022 06:12

It looks like you posted at the wrong time to get sensible replies from the first few posters. It's absolutely him in the wrong here, not you.

Who on Earth disappears in the middle of the night for hours when they have a baby at home? If you did that, what would his reaction be?

Billybagpuss · 27/09/2022 06:20

hope You got some sleep last night, his behaviour is the one in the wrong here.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/09/2022 06:27

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 27/09/2022 03:45

He is fucking with your head.

This is the short (and correct) answer.

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