He said I'm being toxic and abusive

[yogonop]

I feel guilty and can't sleep. I've been trying to reflect on my behaviour but I need an external point of view.

Sometimes when my husband and I argue, he goes for a walk to calm down and to get some space and fresh air. I never interfere and respect his desire to be left alone.

The thing is, the last few times it happened, he left me with our baby in the middle of the night for a few hours without telling me anything, or where he is going or when he is coming back. He would come back at 2am for instance. I get worried but try not to invade his privacy too much but I just can't sleep.

But the last time he did that, I called him and asked him if where he was and if he could come back, that we needed to talk.

Today he told me, out of the blue, that he did some research on the matter and found out that me calling him saying we needed to talk was a toxic trait I displayed and that it was mental abuse.

Is it?

His founcing out the door is controlling and childish. He also knows it gets you scared and upset and probably distracts from the issue you were talking about in the first place. Are there issues he won't discuss and resorts to founcing. Then I assume the issue gets dropped.

He is being toxic and abusive by the way.

Honestly, I don't get the posters who told you not to "poke the bear". HE is the abusive one. Regularly walking out in the middle.of the night, leaving you alone with the baby, expecting you to wait up to call him etc.... what a dick.

If you have arguments about addiction and legal issues though then I have to assume your problems are significant and I would be questioning how you go forward.

Who is in the wrong originally? Nevause if it was you, then his behaviour still isn't OK but I woukd have more understanding for him not being able to cope. But I bet that's not the case. For more likely this is a man being asked to take responsibility and not able or willing to do so.

He is messing with your head.

There is nothing ''abusive'' about worrying about where your husband is in the middle of the night when you have been left home with a baby and have no idea if and when he will come back...

Lots of red flags:

• he is not able to communicate with you and can't have a difficult conversation without walking out
• he then blames you for everything and comes up with nonsense about you being ''abusive''.

I would be really concerned about a man who behaves in this way.

The gaslighting from him is the fact that you are supposed to call and wait up for him to talk in the middle of the night.

If he'd asked you repeatedly to leave him to calm down and talk in the morning, I'd say there might be abuse on your side. But definitely it's him and not you in this situation.

X100 if he's ever gone out and for drugs in the past and you have no idea if he's doing it again.

Hmm. If he has addiction issues I'd be concerned he's using your arguments as justification for indulging his addiction, which is why he's incommunicado for hours.

Anyway, this is him not you. It sounds very unhealthy.

Also I forgot to add in my previous post:

Where do you think he is going at night when he leaves you for ''a few hours''?

Because no one is really going to just be walking around to calm down in the middle of the night for that long.

My feeling is that he is using the excuse of the arguments to then go out and ever see someone else/mates or more likely to use drugs or alcohol.

It sounds like you need to get out of this relationship and fast.

Normal healthy behaviour in a relationship is to discuss things calmly like adults. Him walking out because "he needs space" or whatever is just a form of huffing. He lacks the maturity to resolve things in an adult manner and is punishing you for not giving in to him. It's not you, it's him, and his gaslighting is just doubling down on what is ultimately controlling behaviour.

I am going to suggest you look at the freedom program.. i suspect you will find an awful lot that is abusive .. thr addiction is a red flag too..you control him so he can do what he wants and will take no responsibility

So, he dramatically leaves in the middle of the night, wants to be called so he feels cared for, but when you call him he only wants to feel cared for and if you want to talk he says it's abuse? So he is leaving to get you worried, and he wants you to be worried enough that you feel sorry for him and let whatever the argument was originally about slide.
Unless there is a lot else going on from your side that hasn't been posted here, this is Grade A manipulative dick behaviour.

“I feel guilty and can't sleep. I've been trying to reflect on my behaviour but I need an external point of view” said no abuser, ever.

You’re not the problem here, is it his addiction issues btw? If so, sadly addiction can be a handy way for a partner to control and abuse while denying responsibility. You say he’s usually kind, that’s great, but does he accidentally make you miserable? In ways “beyond his control”? you might choose to stay- but it will help you to get very clear about what’s going on here. I recommend you read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. it wil either help you to rule out the possibility that he’s being abusive, or will help you to ID the strategies he’s using to gain power in a situation.

He's gaslighting you and trying to keep you in a permanent state of anxiety. It is abusive behaviour

I'm not surprised to hear he has addiction issues.