Could I (potential) end up having to pay for one of my parents funeral?

[JustlookingNotbuying]

My parents are elderly (both 80). Dad is in good health (thankfully, atm) but mum has Alzheimer’s.
They have a lot of money invested and a house which worth quite a bit too.
My in-laws organised and pre-paid for their funeral (wishes, songs, hymns etc all organised) and their burial plots several years ago.
At the time (and since) my dad has scoffed at this saying it’s weird and macabre. It really isn’t, I see it as sensible (my friends mum has recently done the same).
When MIL passed away 2 years ago there was literally no stress for dh, bil or fil. The funeral company just got out a piece of paper which they signed and everything was dealt with.
Dad still thinks it is weird and will not discuss his or mums wishes. When I’ve asked he just says there is £10k in an account which will cover everything then it’s down to dsis and I to deal with it. He says he had to organise his parents and mum hers and it isn’t that much of an issue!
Anyhow, not much more I can say about that!?
But mum does have dementia, it is in the late early stages atm.
Dad doesn’t cope too well with her care and although I help most days there will come a time when mum will need to go into full time care and obviously this will be when their money will start to be eaten away including the £10k ‘funeral’ money as it’s not secured and will be taken into account with the rest of their money.
Anyway, my FIL was talking to his neighbours daughter the other day. The neighbour had gone into care some years ago due to dementia. Her savings were drawn down during this time and sadly the house also had to be sold. By the time she had passed away all her money (including the funds from house sale) had gone. The £23,500 which I believe ‘they’ can not touch was swallowed up with estate agent fees, legal and solicitor fees etc so in the end thendaughter and her dh had to pay for her mothers funeral.
This has worried me a little as I personally don’t have the money to pay for one of my parents funeral, neither has my dsis and tbh with my parents combined worth of roughly £800k (including current house prices), I don’t see why I should have too but still my dad refuses to even discuss a pre-paid plan.
I honestly don’t know if fil’s neighbour story is real or exaggerated but I am now a little concerned could this potentially happen? Can children end up having to foot one of their parents funeral bills if a care home drains all the money?
We (dad and I) have a meeting with his solicitor next week to clarify things in his will, I need to voice my concerns then.

I organised my dad's funeral when I was 18 and honestly, I don't remember it being a big deal. It was literally one meeting with the funeral home to look at options, we decided, they cracked on with it. Vicar suggested songs/readings. It was paid out of the estate before any solicitor's fees, etc. Obviously, there has to be an estate to pay out of, but I really wouldn't stress too much. You can always opt for something simple if cost is a concern.

Thanks everyone.
Yes, we do have POA.
I have tried to raise my concerns with dad but he point blank refuses to discuss it, the subject gets changed and that’s it!
At the end of the day, mum has dementia, a disease will only get worse and worse over a long period of time. The harsh reality is that my poor mum WILL most likely need to go into care as there is only so much we can physically do for her (and I go in most days).
Dementia care home fees are huge (£1500-£4000 per week), 5+ years in a nursing home and there will be nothing left. My friends dad had Parkinson’s then dementia and was in a care home for 8 years, it swallowed his savings, his house and a bungalow he rented out. It happens all the time. Luckily, he had a funeral plan.
Hopefully though as others have pointed out the funeral will be paid from the estate (or whatever is left) without my dsis or I having the financial stress and worry of it.
I don’t want to come across as mean as I love my parents but I simply could not afford to cover the cost of a funeral and why should I when they currently have so much money themselves?

I think your poor Dad has enough on his plate without you pestering him with this. It sounds as if they have enough funds to cover funerals in their estate. If you are personally not able to cover the fee immediately, then you need to discuss this with the funeral director.

Your Dad may be old, but he is still allowed to make his own decisions. If you feel that this decision will inconvenience you then think back to all the decisions you made (especially as a teenager) that no doubt inconvenienced them!

I feel sad about the lack of respect we have for our elders in our culture.

When my dad died 3 years ago we used a local independent funeral director, for a cremation, a humanist celebrant, a hearse with one car, one wreath, return of the ashes the cost was £3750. The wake at a local pub with trays of sandwiches, quiches, chips, cakes, cups of tea & coffee for 40 people was £300. A friend's mil died recently & used a chain funeral director who charged individually for everything, there was even a charge for every individual item of clothing the deceased was dressed in, the bill for everything at the funeral director's & the cremation was over £7k, even allowing for the increased cost of materials & fuel this was unbelievable. Our funeral director couldn't do enough for us, he came to my mum's to plan the funeral, we were allowed unlimited visits to my dad, he delivered the ashes personally to my mum afterwards & sent my mum a beautiful letter afterwards thanking her for the privilege of looking after my dad with a card that had a poem about loss that my mum still has stood with my dad's photograph. My friend's family were charged per person for visits, had to go to the funeral director's to arrange the funeral & had to pay for the ashes to be collected from the crematorium & had to go to get the ashes themselves from them. When the time comes look at independent funeral directors preferably local to near where your loved ones live.

Mischance you have wildly misinterpreted my post. I have never pestered my father. I go in and care for my mum every day. I am stressed to the hilt. I am caring for my mother whilst constantly battling with a father who refuses any help we try to get in. Anything we offer that will help my mum and make her life (and his) easier. I am also a PA for a disabled lady. I am one of the most caring people you could know. I have never inconvenienced my parents even when younger and have always been there for them (that’s not often been reciprocated!). There may very well be a lack of respect for elders in our community but it doesn’t come from me. How the heck you come to that conclusion is beyond me.

i think you and your siblings should pay if there is t enough in the estate. When closing down various accounts you will be asked about funeral costs.

my suggestion is that you and your siblings quietly set up a plan, either an ISA or over 50’s life insurance policy on them both. Just contribute an monthly amount, if it’s not needed then cash it in and get money back.

I don’t like your attitude to this, I wouldn’t be happy if my DC behaved like you are. Your Dad has given his view, set aside the £10k.

I don't know the statistics, but thinking of about 7 of my relatives only 2 were in a care home at the end. It's not a foregone conclusion. And one person in care will not require the selling of the house, which is most people's biggest asset.

Nat6999 DH family are friends with a local and long standing funeral directors, they have always used them and I would too. There are definitely some out there who take advantage that’s for sure.

Just that your OP implies that you have not accepted his decision and have gone on asking him about it.

Dear OP, in the same boat. Mum has late stage dementia and dad won't arrange anything and has made it clear it's for us to do. I am dreading it especially as I know mum wanted to be repatriated. Fortunately I am certain there will be funds for funerals but it would still be so much nicer if they decided what they wanted and made the plans.

If mum goes into a care home, their residence which dad still lives in will not be counted until he dies.

My parents had 30+ year old mirror wills that simply left everything to the other. Can't change mums but dad changed his recently to leave anything he has to his children. That way if he dies first and she then went into care his money doesn't all go to the LA. Obviously if he needs care his money will go there and we are fine with that.

He wanted to will 'his share' of the house to my sister as she cares for my mum ft which we are all happy with but I had to explain that as it's jointly owned he can't do that and if he dies first it becomes mums. He won't go and get advice to see if there is a way to do this.

A lot of people are quick to say properties have to be sold but you may have other options eg renting out and using the income and making payment plans with the local authority. It's worth getting sound advice on this area. Don't just take the words of social care staff etc.

If there are funds in the estate banks will release funds to pay the main funeral expenses but not extras like a wake. They do it all the time.

If no funds and no one else willing to arrange and pay then it is the statutory duty of the local authority where the person died to arrange the funeral. The difference here is usually time slots etc as they have contracts with funeral directors and they may give preferred slots to private payers. They obviously wouldn't pay for lots of cars or a church full of flowers but they are respectful. I worked closely for a while with someone who did this for a LA and she was a lovely woman who would make every effort to coordinate with family and friends. If there was no family etc they would search property for contacts/ wills/ funeral plans and attempt to make decisions in line with any known wishes or religious beliefs etc. IIRC they may have included a wreath and a car. They would recover costs if they could determine funds in the estate.

Paying for a funeral can be a nightmare. My DH died when we were in our 50s. We had a mortgaged house but no savings. The Government grant for widows only covered half the funeral cost. I had to sell the car (and still had to repay the loan we had on it) to pay for the funeral and the funeral directors were threatening me with bailiffs by then.
I used the funeral directors recommended by DH family and they turned out to be very expensive. It is a good idea to get quotes from all local funeral directors now so you know who to choose when you do need them. You are not in a fit place to be getting quotes and comparing prices when just bereaved.

Wheredoestheblackfluffcomefrom It’s not an attitude, my father has not secured the money that he has set aside even though he knows it could possible get swallowed up by potential future care home costs. If there is anything left for funeral costs after their passing then fine of course that’s covered and no harm done. But you think it’s acceptable that either my dsis or myself should pay for funeral costs, knowing that neither of us can afford it and that my father has a LOT of money invested atm but refuses to secure any of that for funeral costs. You truly think that’s acceptable? You may do and be happy for your children to foot the bill for your funeral but I certainly will not put that on MY dc’s shoulders, why would any parent expect that?
Did they all have dementia MistressIggi? Of all the dementia patients I have known, all have ended up in care except one who had full time, at home care.

No Mischance, I have mentioned it a few times, not continually but each time I do he shoots me down in flames or changes the subject.

Having been through dementia assessment with my in laws they go through ALL your finances with a fine toothcomb so OP is right to be considering this.

Thank you so much focuspocus. I don’t think many people with no experience of dementia fully understand the heartache and frustration which come from dealing with everything connected to this awful disease.
SherwoodForest Thank you, I will definitely do that. I am sorry you had to go through that, it must have been so very stressful.

I paid £1k for my mum's cremation, coffin and very short service. It was more than enough for us and not a huge expense. Mum left no assets and Step-Dad couldn't afford it.

My mum passed away 5 weeks ago, we had a simple but lovely funeral for her. The funeral director was amazing, they did a package including the coffin so we didn't have to choose one as I was dreading doing that. Including the wake for 100 people and family flowers the whole funeral cost £4k. This was paid directly from my mums bank account, her account had been frozen and its gone to probate as she had a large amount of savings, but the bank allowed it to be paid.

Although my parents didn’t have dementia, my father refused to discuss anything financial even when mum needed a nursing home placement. It was an absolute nightmare; we were forced to look at taking out a loan or extending our mortgage to pay before he’d even budge 🤬
When they died within weeks of each other we organised the simplest cremation service, mum’s had hymns and prayers but my father’s was non religious.
There’s no need for a massive expense unless that’s what you want or the deceased has organised it in my opinion. If he won’t discuss it then tell him he will be having a simple cremation.
I think my parents’ cremations were under £5k each, including the flowers, coffin, fees etc.

Ps, they were actually £5k for the two

My elderly relative has been in a dementia care home for over 5 years. Her money is still in tact. She has her state pension, private pension plus attendance allowance and the balance is paid with the interest on her savings and the proceeds of her house.

Get a good independent financial advisor who will invest the money well.

Be careful with pre-paid funeral plans. I have heard of two companies who offered these, going out of business leaving behind a trail of missing money and a lot of unpaid funeral costs.

No, the only one with dementia was in a care home. I was thinking of your dad though, not your mum.
It must be very stressful caring for your mum

You are absolutely right, it makes so much sense to have a pre-paid plan with someone reputable. It made organising my mother's funeral a doddle, not least because she's even picked the coffin and decided on stuff like the number of cars. There is nothing in the least weird or macabre about it.

Following on from this, my mum had one with a company who have just gone bust, something to do with not having enough funds to be able to cover all funerals at once (I think there's been a change in the law/regulations). Luckily she didn't lose much as she'd only paid a deposit and she has organised her own plot and paid for it so hers is covered.
My Dad and his wife have pre-paid plans with the co op, I can't imagine them going bust anytime soon so they should be ok.

Your dad reminds me of people who won't organise wills because "it's too depressing", we are all going to die, we know we will so I can't understand why some people want to bury their heads in the sand over it.

If he thinks its all on you then just do a basic funeral an you dont have to have a wake or anything like that

ive already told my dad i havent got any money if he wont sort it he gets the basic

people have to be buried or cremated by law they wont just leave you in a bag somewhere