Are you a tiger or jellyfish mum?

[Ladyofthemanor11]

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/sep/22/tiger-mom-jellyfish-parenting-children

Personally I'm a tiger, the dc love their activities & I have to do the horsing around as there's no afterschool clubs in their state school..

I have read about raising MC kids in New York before this. It sounds awful. My kids do a few activities because 1 child enjoys them and 1 is a lazy bugger who needs to be prised off the sofa, but we live in a small town and none of our activities are more than 10 minutes away. I couldn't live like the author describes. I get a similar feel from some of the London private school parents on the MN education boards. So pressured, and for what?

Ha I live in SW London and there are a LOT of tiger mums around! So many waiting lists around here and kids with zero days free.

I think I’m more of a pushmi-pullyou mum. Some activities I insist on despite whinging (swimming), some activities they want to do and I say no because it’s too much hassle or they’re too knackered. Some they suggest or I suggest and miraculously it all works out.

Can relate. Both teens have kept up one thing they enjoy. Dd went to a talk at a a Cambridge college yesterday and they don’t give a shit about any of that they want to see intellectual curiosity and interest in your chosen subject / EPQ etc. so if the end result to all this is pushing is university applications well ….who wants to break it the tiger mums!

A mixture. I pick a couple of things that I see as essential, then I let the rest go. Essentials: reading, maths, swimming. Then I’m pretty chilled about the rest - I don’t have the energy or money to do too many classes - just scouts and french. Music we do ad hoc at home.

I am a product of tiger parenting. I do thank my parents for it - I think it gave me a lot of stamina and skills I can pass on. But probably on balance the cost and time required isn’t worth it.

This article made me laugh. It's so true! I wish I had the courage to be a jellyfish mum. Instead, I get sucked into this mindset that children need extracurricular activities and just being at home, or playing at the park isn't beneficial enough. I am trying to limit ourselves to 2 activities per child, but then I talk to my friend whose daughter does 4, and I feel like a failure.

@usernameiscopied I tried very hard to limit my child's extra curricular activities (swimming, 20 minute piano lesson, Saturday afternoons football) but she requested more. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I believe that American universities do care about extra curriculars, and to get into the best ones you need to show that you're very well rounded and have achievements in your various activities, or else be 'well lopsided', so basically a national level athlete or similar. Agreed British unis have traditionally given less of a fuck.

Half and half. I'm really enjoying not having swimming lessons to ferry them to now. And, honestly I'd rather do without the monotony of sitting by a cold windy rugby pitch. But we definitely encourage wider interests... elder DD has three school based after school clubs (dance, science and food) that we definitely pushed her to try. We were very insistent on one sport (which we included dance in... she fancied netball but it clashed with science which she loves).

We gave up on parkrun as leaving the house at 8am on a Saturday morning when we could just go for a local run seemed pointless.

What's the name for a half and half parent?

I think that article is a bit extreme. My dc do a lot of activities, but if they want to stop they can stop. Nobody is forcing them, and nobody has claimed they are talented and need to join any sort of squad at great expense. They don’t receive certificates and badges (except for Beavers/Cubs) - in fact their music teachers and dance school are actively opposed to them; claiming they get in the way of learning actual skills and getting enjoyment from the activity.

Sure, the ferrying them around and juggling clashing locations/times is a bit stressful, but I’ve always found other parents happy to help out with lifts when necessary, and at the end of the day it’s just a few short years of this before they ditch everything in order to knuckle down to exams.

I think the journalist is being a bit dramatic.

I thought I was much more of a jellyfish. But I’ve just realised we do a few things:

They do scouts / cubs, swimming is mandatory (until safe in the water), and both now do an instrument on school time. Plus a coding club each (their choice).

More than I realised. But I’m not encouraging them to achieve in those activities. Which I would associate with being a ‘tiger mum’. (Except instrument practice and that’s only to justify the cost, not to get grades)

I am a jellyfish. But my kids do swimming lessons because they asked to do them.

I always found the obsession on MN of multiple extra circular activities odd. It's always struck me as parents micro managing their kids interests and social lives. If it works, great. But I see so many parents complaining that everyone is exhausted, skint and living off drive through take out because of extra circular activities. Some times less is more.

I think the article misses out the fact that some activities are used as after-school childcare to facilitate the parent working. Is that out of the child’s interest to do them no, but equally they don’t automatically mean hothousing.

I would add that when I was a child I wasn’t allowed to do any activities except Brownies (very cheap) and pony riding - the latter only because I begged and begged and eventually dm found a local farm that was cheap and would lend me a hat.

The answer, when I asked to learn an instrument or join any clubs was always no. Parents didn’t want to ‘fork out for uniforms/equipment’ or “have to drive into bloody town on a Saturday morning’. We weren’t short of money at all, but my dm found spending difficult because she’d grown up poor.

So I suppose my dm was a jellyfish mum. I was always sad that I couldn’t play in the school orchestra with my friends, or learn to ice skate, or whatever, so I always promised myself I’d let my dc do any activity they chose.

I'm 100% jellyfish. I have to literally force DD (nearly 12 years old) through everything, every day. I'm talking washing, tooth brushing, eating. School - which she is really struggling to cope with - is a horrendous battle five days a week. The idea that I would add anything else in is batshit! All these activities are great IF THE CHILD GENUINELY ENJOYS THEM. If not, sack it off and let them be! I was raised by a tiger mum and I was scheduled to within an inch of my life. I did so much, but none of it with massive enthusiasm or success. I was an exhausted shell of a child. But my wishes didn't count and I would never have dared to actually defy my parents. None of it helped me later in life, I don't play any instruments or dance or go to church or do any sports now and haven't done for years. And none of that stuff will get them into university, at least not in the UK! It's 95% grades, 5% love of the subject.

I was an 80s kid and apart from Brownies and maybe Dance , little girls didn't really do classes. When I was 9 I asked for piano lessons and carried on for 5 years. I was never particularly good but I'm glad I got the opportunity and can still read music now so that's a skill I suppose. Now I'm desperate for a piano to tinker on at home.
Our eldest refused all classes apart from when he was 9 he asked to start football. He played til he was 12 and then it tailed off as 9 was too late to get on a decent team. He just takes himself off to the gym and boxing now. He so wanted to get on the school football team but didn't make it as there were only 15 places for 300 kids.

Our youngest loves his clubs. He does Beavers and gymnastics and has been asking for music lessons. I'm hoping they'll start them after school as that would be less running around.

I don't pay much attention to what other people are doing with their kids though. I don't feel any pressure. Swimming is essential but the rest are extras.

I'm probably more of a tiger.

Growing up I didn't have any hobbies and my parents weren't pushy about school. I think I could have had more confidence and achieved more.

@minipie out of interest are these mums expats or British mc mums? The Eastern European mums (the ones I know, not all of course) are total tiger mums, kids enrolled in lots of activities & have to be the best. They take the extracurriculars & acedemics very seriously, music & languages in particular...

I always worked full time with a long commute so tiger mumming was never going to happen even if I had wanted it. Which I didn't. We did swimming because it's essential, and apart from that we did museums, reading, nature and other MC things on weekends and holidays. The kids have turned out fine - one has taken up jewellery making and has an Etsy shop, the other has just been shortlisted for a poetry prize and is planning to publish alongside studying for a STEM degree.

New York really is a different kettle of fish, very competitive to get into top schools. I have relatives with dc a similar age to mine & on top of going to an extremely expensive Catholic school the kids are also very accomplished musicians (piano & violin), have a huge interest in art & photography, swim competitively, the older one is on his schools rowing team the younger is a competive Irish dancer who travels to Ireland & the U. K frequently for competitions, they have volunteered in their community from a very young age(again fkr the resume), the older is on his schools hockey team & the younger on the lacrosse team. How exhausting is that. But they are very polite, confident & interesting children & very accomplished. From speaking to my relative that seems to be the norm in mc & umc circles on the East Coast.

We do 1 weekly activity (swimming) and some music and drama holiday clubs - one week in summer and one week at Easter.

We also do reading 3 times a week and about 3 x 10 mins maths practice a week.

Other than that, DS has unstructured time. He needs it tbh.

Jellyfish I guess. DD does one activity (football) and if she starts to dislike it then I won't make her go. We might start swimming but maybe on a more casual basis. I'm not really one for clubs and stuff, didn't do any baby or toddler groups. I'd much rather go for a walk in the woods or to a museum or something. I like unstructured time and it seems to suit DD too.

Nope, they’re Brits. It’s by no means all of them but a significant group.

@minipie that's interesting, my Eastern European friends are great but i do feel I'm alot more relaxed when it comes to the dc!

Jellyfish without a doubt!

I insist on one active activity (so sport or similar) and finishing out the term after its been paid for but otherwise I'm not pushy, just go with what my daughter wants to do which is a lot really (4 days a week she has something on, will be 5 if she gets into the school parkour club) but she dropped Scouts this year so that's one less thing to worry about and pay for (though probably could have got it subsidised as Scouts is good about that) and apart from volleyball which is in another town she gets herself to all her activities so no ferrying around. My son doesn't do any activities yet, there's not much for his age (4) except ice hockey and I don't want him to do that, on the waiting list for some kind of gymnastics type group.