Are you a tiger or jellyfish mum?

[Ladyofthemanor11]

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/sep/22/tiger-mom-jellyfish-parenting-children

Personally I'm a tiger, the dc love their activities & I have to do the horsing around as there's no afterschool clubs in their state school..

My ds (6) does football on a Saturday, dance class after school one day, and has just started a martial arts class, also after school (in place of a Sports Club he did previously). He did a drama class for a while which (I thought!) he was great at, but he dropped it for football. He tried gymnastics after school for a few terms, but dropped it for Sports Club. Totally his choice.

I don't think of these activities in terms of future life prospects, more that it's nice to have hobbies and interests, and so he can try things out to see what suits him. The more he can try, the better able he'll be to find something he really enjoys.

Swimming (non negotiable)
Scouts
Football
Cricket (summer only obvs)
Martial arts
Instrument (in school time)

Now I write it down, it does seem a lot but they love all of it & it's manageable 🤷‍♀️

It definitely wasn't deliberate. Tiger-fish.

I think I'm more jellyfish. I let my dc do whatever activities they showed interest in and was happy to pay for it/ferry them there but when they stopped enjoying them I didn't insist they continued. Except for swimming lessons. I was a bit sorry when dd gave up violin because I think it would have been nice in the future. But I didn't push it once she stopped having fun.

I'm in between but I think unless your dc is unsuited to Extracurricular activities you are doing then a disservice to do nothing.

Mine both do swimming (rookie lifeguard for the eldest) and cubs/scouts. One does violin and they both do piano. I think music is good for brain development regardless of achievement and it lays down musical ability so they can pick it up as adults. Otherwise it's really hard to learn when older.

Then the eldest is really into football. We "only" do practice + weekend matches and not a separate training sessions like a lot of teams round here where football is a 3x week activity.

He's just started a new school which is big on extracurricular so he also does rugby, basketball, water polo and choir!!! That's mostly in school time. Apart from Saturday rugby and midweek evening water polo.

I think its good for them to be able to do the activities they want to do. Some activities do need to be forced a little (I don't know many willing musicians) for their own good. It's not about university applications. Its about enjoyment mainly.

I have a demanding job but dh and I split it between us to take dc to their different activities.

How enjoyable can it be if they're being "forced a little for their own good"?

I had loads of friends who did violin, flute, clarinet etc in school, had to do all the grades and found it v stressful. Not a single one of them has picked up their instrument since they finished school.

Jellyfish. Teen DC does no extracurriculars, they did a couple when they were younger and swimming lessons but none now.

www.npr.org/2021/09/06/1024804523/forget-tiger-moms-now-chinas-chicken-blood-parents-are-pushing-kids-to-succeed

Interesting article!

Is there a midway point between Jellyfish and Tiger?

Ds does swimming - I'd make him do it if he didn't want to because water safety is a life skill not just a hobby. Too many teens drown in rivers and lakes every summer. Luckily he loves it and wants to progress all the way to junior lifeguard, which I'll support and pay for all the way.

He also does football -it's Gaelic rather than soccer so a different vibe entirely from kids, coaches and parents alike. It's not competitive until they reach their teens and very community-minded.

He'd like to try athletics and is curious about guitar so I want to let him try those out.

I guess I’m a jellyfish🤷🏻‍♀️

DC’s have three days/nights a week to do things they wanted, the only thing I insist upon is swimming lessons.

Mine enjoy all their activities. If they didn’t I would say they could stop, nothings forced. They do swimming (not negotiable), piano and dance which is time and cost heavy. I think it’s given them opportunity to try something new, find pleasure in something other than screen time, be socially confident, understand commitment, teamwork and so on.
I didn’t really get those chances. My parents were lovely but there wasn’t spare money for some things, they didn’t push outside of routine and comfort zone, and at that time it wasn’t “for people like us.”
So, maybe I’m a tiger mum. I push them to be confident to try and not give up at the first hurdle, and encourage them to see that there are life opportunities out there beyond what is right in front of them, but as long as they are healthy and happy and secure enough to tell me anything then the rest comes second.

DD(15) does lots, because she enjoys it. It started with Rainbows once a week and 45 minutes of ballet. Then dance took over her life, and she currently also does Scouts and Church youth group, plus football and cross country clubs at school.

She hasn't done any exams or competitions (though is now working towards Intermediate in ballet), she does it for fun. One of the happiest moments in my life was when she became able to get the bus independently 😁so I got hours of my life back every week.

But my responsibility was limited to introducing her to ballet class and Rainbows, the rest has been led by her (although obviously I have spent time and money on it).

Is that tiger or jellyfish?

@howaboutchocolate - I was kinda ‘forced’ to do an instrument up to grade 8. I haven’t played in ages, but I know how to read music and can help my kids with music practice. I also picked up an instrument I play for fun. Looking back I think on balance I’m glad I was made to do it. I’m not naturally musical, and I guess it gives me confidence that I can try hard at something I’m not good at and get to a good standard. I don’t think I’d force my kid to do grade 8, but maybe get to like grade 5 standard?

I am a tiger mum but only on the education. Rest of things, I go with the flow.

Someone who leads a horse to the water, who suggests the horse might like the water, who shows examples of other horses trying water, who suggests that water could be good for them.....but who can't get the horse to actually drink the water.

Nooo way! You're a MNer who forces extracurricular activities on your child? How refreshing.

Tiger mums are not about extra curricular activities, they are about achievement at all costs. You can do lots of extra curriculars for enjoyment and not be a tiger mum.

This is crazy. They’re at school all day! Then they’re supposed to go out and do more? Is that what all you adults do when you come home from work? Burnout waiting to happen. Yeah I’m an absolute jellyfish.

I’m a jellyfish and proud of it😀.

I can’t see how being a tiger is helpful at all

I'm 100% jellyfish.

DDs have to do swimming lessons. That is non negotiable as it's about safety (and, you know......jellyfish like swimming!)

Other than that I don't push them. I'm happy to take them to lessons or activities if they really want to do something but only one other thing in addition to swimming. We all need downtime too.

I had a very pushy mum and have memories of being absolutely miserable. I learned flute and hated it and she wouldn't let me stop lessons. She was extremely pushy academically too and I felt stressed to be honest. It's definitely influenced my jellyfish parenting style!

DD12 goes horseriding once a week. It's expensive but actually good value for what you get for the money. DD loves it and is totally independent; she gets herself there and back (20 mins. walk), organises and cleans her equipment, etc. We never have to chivvy her to go, and she organises her homework around it. She also does exams. and, again, studies independently. However she doesn't do competitions etc. (she has never shown an interest in this) and we have no idea whether she is any good (we go and watch her classes from time to time but neither of us has any clue about the sport beyond what she's told us. She is the youngest in her class.)

I did loads of activities (sports, music) when I was a kid and loved all of them and am so grateful to my parents for financing them and the equipment and driving me everywhere. I only stopped when I went to uni (where I joined the clubs for these hobbies) and I still have many of these hobbies regularly or fairly regularly now.

DD12 does horseriding (previous post) and signed herself up for rowing, badminton, choir and the ecology club when she started secondary school; she's also volunteered for charity activities like helping collect for a food bank. She is totally independent and does all of this off of her own bat for pleasure. She also goes to church youth club once a fortnight.

DS11 on the other hand has a weekly tennis class and weekly 'Sunday school' on Wednesday and a weekly board game club after school (it's on a rolling basis, last term it was cookery, before that football, before that street art). He enjoys these things but I also think if we stopped them he wouldn't complain (or perhaps even really notice?) A different personality to his sister. It would be hard to be a tiger parent to DS.

My DC do a lot of activities. I like to give them options and time to try things out. They do however need to show commitment, if they choose something they need to stick with it for 6 months at least but if they genuinely hate it after giving it a good go then they can stop it.

I think what people forget though is that these activities replaced the open socialisation we got as children. I was out running around my neighbourhood with older kids playing knock down ginger at age 6. Would I let my 6 year old do that? Goodness no! So instead I drive him to activities to have 'safe' interactions and learn a skill too.

It's as though the author has never heard of neurodivergent kids.