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I've been ghosted but I need closure

66 replies

Andjustlikethatihadnoclue · 21/09/2022 07:24

A guy I was seeing for around 6 weeks has ghosted me it appears.
We instantly clicked and everything was going so well, you know when you get that instant spark with someone and it's on fire for both of you. Well that's how it appeared anyway.

He even said he's in love with me. Then I went on holiday but we had a few messages back and forth then all of a sudden they stopped. He's not read my last 2 messages since Friday and I can't get him out mg head.

I feel like a loser as he's clearly just either gone off me or met someone else but I hate not having closure or not knowing.

What would you do? Message or just try love past it?

OP posts:
ThreeRingCircus · 21/09/2022 17:36

anyone decent would end it respectfully

This is spot on. Him ghosting you is your closure. It shows weakness of character and you wouldn't want to be with someone so cowardly and pathetic anyway.

I'm always in two minds whether to message a ghoster one last time before blocking or not. On one hand I think silence and just moving on is probably for the best, on the other I do think people need to be told when their behaviour is rude and shitty. Otherwise they just keep doing it without ever being held accountable. I'd probably have to send a message saying "I'm looking for someone that can communicate like a grown up so am closing the door now. Good luck." Or if I was feeling really petty.... "Talk to you never, Casper." Then block immediately.

BiologicalKitty · 21/09/2022 17:49

He doesn't see you as a person. Simple as that.

Block him.

Andjustlikethatihadnoclue · 21/09/2022 22:43

If or when he does get back in contact then I need some good ideas for responses. I'll be back for some ideas on how to tell him to fuck off in the best way possible!

OP posts:

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dontputitthere · 22/09/2022 01:17

OP you said you want closure. By keeping the channel open, waiting for a response, plotting your witty comeback you're allowing him to take up headspace.

You can get closure. Take control. Block him. And don't allow him to take up any more headspace.

Otherwise you're allowing him to fester in your head.

Anon778833 · 22/09/2022 01:22

Unfortunately, online dating is a playground for badly behaved people with no moral compass.

I completely understand why you feel this way but now that this man has shown his true colours, please block him.

The reason I say this is that it’s highly likely he’ll text you again in the future.

Mojitoo · 22/09/2022 01:39

I think women are encouraged to keep their feelings hidden, be the bigger person and never express anger and all that repressed emotion is no good. Someone mistreated you and you're within your rights to call him out. Don't do it to get a response, and don't engage in a back and forth, but do it to speak your truth so you don't live a life where anyone can be rude and you never say anything. You don't care what he or society thinks of you, you should only care that you've stood up for yourself and used your voice

This is one of the best bits of advice I've seen on MN in ages.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 22/09/2022 01:49

You have closure, you just haven't had it on your terms!!

It's over, he's a waste of time and you deserve better. You don't get 'closure' from this type of fuckwit. Silly immature manchild type who decide to ghost rather than let you know there aren't feeling it or couldn't be arse. Anything he says will be bullshit anyway.

You have closure. It's done & you are better off.

CheekyHobson · 22/09/2022 02:25

If or when he does get back in contact then I need some good ideas for responses. I'll be back for some ideas on how to tell him to fuck off in the best way possible!

The best response is no response. Ideally, block him now as this is the fastest way to actually forget he exists. But if you feel like subjecting yourself to some low-level emotional angst while you wait and see whether he will come back to test your boundaries again, you can do that!

if he does come sniffing around again, the response that will most bother him is no response. Guys who engage in this behaviour - love-bombing then ghosting - are typically some form of narcissist. They are after attention. It’s important to understand that it really doesn’t matter to them whether it’s good or bad attention. Both are satisfying in different ways.

If you let him convince you to bust your boundaries by giving him another chance after he ponies up with a vaguely plausible excuse for his disappearing, that’s high-quality attention plus a feee shag.

If he reaches out and you’re all “Well look who’s back, you feckless asshole, I can’t believe you vanished without a word, what’s wrong with you?” Then that’s also very high-quality attention as he now knows he’s been living rent-free in your head for the last however many weeks. Maybe he can’t get another shag out of you, but the sex actually nowhere near as important to him as knowing that he MATTERS to someone who he can literally take or leave. It’s the emotional heroin of relevance that he’s after. He doesn’t care that you now “don’t want him” as you clearly did at one point, and because you’re so upset he obviously meant a lot to you in the first place, and that means he’s very special.

So complete silence is your best response, as he will be left feeling puzzled and uncertain about whether you actually care that he disappeared or not.

Also good is a very brief “Sorry, seeing someome else now”…. No punctuation, spelling mistake indicates you tapped it out in a rush without much attention paid. Very unsatisfying and will torture him with the idea that he did you a favour by freeing you up to meet someone better than him. Don’t reply to anything that might follow, though you could block him at that stage and he may feel slighted.

Andjustlikethatihadnoclue · 22/09/2022 05:48

@CheekyHobson This is amazing advice, having read your post twice I've instantly gone and blocked him and deleted his number from my contacts. Hopefully I can try get him out my mind now.

Thank you for taking the time to write such a descriptive post, how do you know so much about this?! Wish I was as wise in the beginning!

OP posts:
GorgeousLadyofWrestling · 22/09/2022 06:59

I’m 42 and this happened to me over 20 years ago. I was absolutely devastated and it messed me up for ages. We’d been seeing each other for months - we had met in our hometown (he had moved to London years earlier) and I was besotted with him. We had a long distance relationship for a year or so and we BOTH planned for me to move to London to be with him. I moved down and then he just cut me out completely. Just disappeared off the face of the earth and I was in London, not knowing anyone and utterly heartbroken that he had basically dumped me without ever telling me.

Moving down to London turned out to be brilliant and the best thing I’ve ever done - I’m married, live in zone four with my husband and 3 kids and have an amazing career. But I’ve never told anyone that HE was the actual reason I ended up here. I remember after moving down, we talked on the phone for a few days and he said he was busy with work. We were supposed to meet at his flat one day but when I went round, he didn’t answer. I tried calling and messaging but got no reply. And that was that. I didn’t realise at the time that when we were arranging to meet at his flat would be the last time I would speak to him. I guess he got cold feet at me moving to be with him but he never told me.

It took a few years to get over. Several months after moving, my brother told me he had visited our home town and my brother had seen him out with another girl one night. Fresh heartbreak all over again. It’s such a rotten way to treat someone. Sorry OP, I made this all about me. You e got some fantastic advice on this thread - when it happened to me, no one had a term for it. I wish I’d had friends giving me the advice you’ve had on this thread. Move on with your head held high - there’s something deficient in him for him to behave like this.

CheekyHobson · 22/09/2022 07:46

@Andjustlikethatihadnoclue

Im so glad it was helpful. I learned through hard, long-term experience with a covert narcissist.

They operate on the same principle of constantly needing to get attention and feel superior to anyone they’re interacting with, through either bigging themselves up by repeating the great things someone else has said about them, or putting the other person down (often by acting like the other person is victimising them).

Covert narcissists are a lot more subtle with their attention-seeking though, so you have to learn to see and understand what they’re doing at a very granular level of detail.

I did, so now I can explain it well, and hopefully help a few others from going through the same pain!

CheekyHobson · 22/09/2022 07:46

PS Well done on blocking immediately! You are clearly a very fast learner!!

Andjustlikethatihadnoclue · 22/09/2022 08:16

@CheekyHobson Im definitely not a fast learner, I'm still gutted to be honest and keep wondering why but I'll get over it and move on... soon!

Thanks again for everyone's brilliant advice, really felt the support on here.

OP posts:
Andjustlikethatihadnoclue · 23/09/2022 10:00

2 hours after I blocked him he read my messages. Then later he blocked me 🤷🏻‍♀️
Yes I realise I'm a complete loser and I need to stop looking 👀🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
minticecreamisjustok · 23/09/2022 10:57

You are not a loser, You are better off without than someone that cannot give you an explanation after love bombing you.
Don't let him put you off.

PeekAtYou · 23/09/2022 10:59

As a pp said, it's important to block him now. Men like this tend to come out the woodwork for a second boost once the current one bores them. This is just to fill a gap until they find the next victim and you don't want to be ghosted twice.

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