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Original poster

Taking guardianship of young child

57 replies

JessicaJackson · 19/09/2022 21:51

I am currently looking after my friends young daughter. For backstory; friend is young single father to 16 month old. Has been single father since baby was 4 days old. I am young single mother already to 2 children (older than my friends daughter), often help look after his child and for the past few weeks, have been caring for her since before the summer break.

Friend has bought up the subject of me caring for his daughter on a more permanent basis. I would love to and I am planning to get started on the process.

I also work full time (although not past 30hrs per week) and have looked at my options if child does stay with me permanently; as much as changing my hours slightly, I would also need a childminder/ nursery. Would that be an issue or would I be expected to stop working until child is in full time education?

OP posts:
NameChangedForThis12398 · 19/09/2022 23:14

Yabu. Be supportive of him and help him find some support groups. Is he depressed? See a doctor. Can SS help? Don't just take his daughter when he's down ffs op.

MileyWiley · 19/09/2022 23:16

JessicaJackson · 19/09/2022 21:51

I am currently looking after my friends young daughter. For backstory; friend is young single father to 16 month old. Has been single father since baby was 4 days old. I am young single mother already to 2 children (older than my friends daughter), often help look after his child and for the past few weeks, have been caring for her since before the summer break.

Friend has bought up the subject of me caring for his daughter on a more permanent basis. I would love to and I am planning to get started on the process.

I also work full time (although not past 30hrs per week) and have looked at my options if child does stay with me permanently; as much as changing my hours slightly, I would also need a childminder/ nursery. Would that be an issue or would I be expected to stop working until child is in full time education?

Private Fostering regulations and the Mum still having PR even if not on the scene plus a whole host of abandonment and attachments issues for the child spring immediately to mind.

SuperlativeOxymoron · 19/09/2022 23:17

I think people are forgetting this guy lost his partner in childbirth and doesn't have the family support one would expect if this was to happen.
I know full well if I was to have died when ds was born, dh would have had support from his parents and from mine too. If I'd have lost dh, I'd probably have sold our home and moved back to my parents for help, until I felt strong enough to stand on my own two feet.

His friend is trying to help, giving support, looking after the child when needed. Yes maybe this has had a detrimental effect on his parenting, however, if he's planning (which I think he is) to remain a huge part in his daughters life, then I don't think anyone can judge a parent for doing what they think is best.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1 year olds Childcare & nursery Families Family law
MileyWiley · 19/09/2022 23:18

bbcdefg · 19/09/2022 22:30

I'm not sure you can just do this as easily as you want to.

100% this. If you have been or intend to look after the child for more than 28 days you need to let the local children’s social care know so they can do a private fostering assessment.

pastypirate · 19/09/2022 23:20

If the child has been with you for longer than 28 days it's legally private fostering. This means a child is being cared for by an adult who isn't a parent (of that child). The Local Authority have a legal duty to provide support and check on that child.

Op this will provide you with some much needed support and guidance and the dad will be spoken to about what he wants to happen and what is the best way forward.

Op you sound like you have a strong attachment to the child. All the best x

ImAvingOops · 19/09/2022 23:20

Not all parents are capable of being good parents. Even if they desperately love their child. Sometimes allowing someone else to be the parent is the better outcome, particularly if the father remains a part of the child's life. I think the OP is just trying to do get best to help her friend, who lost his partner and this baby who has no mum. She has inadvertently become the mum and it's not a bad thing to formalise that, since she is already in that role and her friend cannot cope.

SeagullSausage · 19/09/2022 23:21

A family we know took on a child on similar - ish circumstances. As it was a private fostering arrangement they received absolutely no help financially. This ended up having suite significant impacts on their existing children - they could not pay for them all to go on school residential etc If this goes the way you seemingly want it to, are you prepared to take on that kind of financial commitment for the rest of her childhood?

Wanting to help and support and love this child is all v understandable and admirable, but this situation needs to be properly evaluated by social services, who can help ensure the child's best interests are prioritised. In nearly all circumstances, that would involve supporting her father in every possible way to allow him to remain the primary carer and for her to retain that bond and relationship. Having lost one parent, every step should be taken to ensure she does not lose the other too.

Psychogeography · 19/09/2022 23:22

JessicaJackson · 19/09/2022 23:06

Trust mumsnet to see the worst in a good situation…

im out

It’s not a ‘good situation’, though. Statistically, this child is overwhelmingly likely to be better off living with her father, as long as he can receive support (from SS if not family) that allows him to care for her adequately. If you genuinely care for her, that’s the plan you should be forwarding, not drifting into an ill-thought-out private fostering arrangement, when you already work and are a single parent to two children.

SD1978 · 19/09/2022 23:23

Sorry you're not getting the responses you want, but basically he wants to give up his daughter, because being a single parent is too hard........ he needs to be accessing support for himself and his daughter, not having you work out a way you can keep her, although it sounds like he's already abandoned the lion share of parenting to you, as you already have her with you. I'd make sure you contact social services to enquire- although they may have an option on on the fact dad has already given up care. Going forward, what your plan for visitation? I can't see how it's in her best interest if dad gets to wander in and out as suits him. Hat is he currently paying you? Does he hand over all the family tax benefit he currently gets, and an amount for child support? Cause if he doesn't, sorry, even less respect

saraclara · 19/09/2022 23:37

JessicaJackson · 19/09/2022 23:06

Trust mumsnet to see the worst in a good situation…

im out

In sorry, but that reaction to criticism isn't healthy either.

As a friend you should have been supporting this man so that he could parent his child, who is all he had left of his late wife. Instead you seem to have taken over to the point that he's now handing her to you. Because you haven't let him gain the skills that he needed to be a dad.

BadNomad · 20/09/2022 00:13

Poor kid. Mum's dead and dad can't figure out how to raise a child, like millions of other single parents have to, so the only option is for another single parent to do it for him. But it's ok because she's a woman and naturally better equipped for the job.

🙄

RainingRubies · 20/09/2022 02:38

OP what you are doing is wonderful. You sound absolutely wonderful and how lucky for that little girl that you are in her life.

Social services though unfortunately are absolutely appalling, so be prepared for them to make things as complicated and difficult as possible with little regard at all for the child's wellbeing and what is in her best interesting, even if you are fighting for that (which it sounds as though you will be). They are utterly, utterly useless and instead of helping people they refuse support when asked for it and make even enforcing the legal rights of a child a huge battle IME.

I hope you can help this little girl without their behaviour negatively impacting you and your existing children. You sound very kind.

RainingRubies · 20/09/2022 02:41

*interests!

tonightelmowillrise · 20/09/2022 02:44

how like a man to find it too hard and leave his child with a woman who will of course be somehow better equipped to raise her

RainingRubies · 20/09/2022 02:48

As a friend you should have been supporting this man so that he could parent his child, who is all he had left of his late wife. Instead you seem to have taken over to the point that he's now handing her to you. Because you haven't let him gain the skills that he needed to be a dad.

What? The father is a kid himself pretty much! And bereaved. OP has been helping him and hugely kind and clearly putting the child's needs first. From what she's said making the situation formal was not her idea, either. How can you be so unpleasant to somebody who has done such a kind thing to try to help a child who has lost their mother and has a very, very young father who can't cope? She has offered to take the child into her family - because she has been asked to by the father - and he wants to still be involved in her life but for her needs to be met. Clearly as a kid himself and in grief he is struggling to do this over a significant period of time despite having support, understandably given his age. Yes I'd say the same of a mother in that situation - the child's needs should come first. Honestly, what is wrong with people, having a go at the OP? How many of you would do as much for a friend's child as she is willing to do?

RainingRubies · 20/09/2022 02:51

It’s not a ‘good situation’, though. Statistically, this child is overwhelmingly likely to be better off living with her father, as long as he can receive support (from SS if not family) that allows him to care for her adequately

SS are as much support as a chocolate teapot next to a raging fire as 95%+ of children who have ever had to endure their "support" will testify.

HighlandPony · 20/09/2022 02:58

Does England (I’m assuming it’s in England) not have kinship care? Or something similar?

Kinship care includes both:

looked after children who have been placed with kinship carers by the local authority
non-looked after children who live in an informal kinship care arrangement (these children may be subject to an order under Section 11 of the Children (Scotland) Act 1995 or may be living in a completely private arrangement with extended family, with no local authority involvement)

Ive done it before informally for one of my siblings. It’s a fairly easy process but I got help with the forms because nothing official is ever written in plain English

BadNomad · 20/09/2022 02:58

@RainingRubies the father is a kid? Where did you read that?

SD1978 · 20/09/2022 03:12

The father is an adult- was in the same school year as OP. The child is 16 months. OP has two kids, father has one he has left for the last several weeks/ months with the OP. No mention as to whether family benefits are being paid along with other money to support the child he can't cope with.

RainingRubies · 20/09/2022 03:22

What are "family benefits"?

Patapouf · 20/09/2022 03:29

OP it's very kind that you want to help but there ought to be a professional assessment of what that child needs.
I urge you to contact social services. Her father may need support to access mental health support and some respite, removing her from her only involved and surviving parent is rarely in the best interests of a child and you are (however well meaning) facilitating something that could have a profoundly damaging effect on her her for the rest of her life.

lailamaria · 20/09/2022 06:07

i don't know about people on here but if the father has admitted to not being able to safely care for the kid i'd rather them go with op than into a foster system or with a dad that's unable to properly give his daughter what she needs

bbcdefg · 20/09/2022 06:10

RainingRubies · 20/09/2022 02:48

As a friend you should have been supporting this man so that he could parent his child, who is all he had left of his late wife. Instead you seem to have taken over to the point that he's now handing her to you. Because you haven't let him gain the skills that he needed to be a dad.

What? The father is a kid himself pretty much! And bereaved. OP has been helping him and hugely kind and clearly putting the child's needs first. From what she's said making the situation formal was not her idea, either. How can you be so unpleasant to somebody who has done such a kind thing to try to help a child who has lost their mother and has a very, very young father who can't cope? She has offered to take the child into her family - because she has been asked to by the father - and he wants to still be involved in her life but for her needs to be met. Clearly as a kid himself and in grief he is struggling to do this over a significant period of time despite having support, understandably given his age. Yes I'd say the same of a mother in that situation - the child's needs should come first. Honestly, what is wrong with people, having a go at the OP? How many of you would do as much for a friend's child as she is willing to do?

Where are you reading that the father is a kid?

Autumnisclose · 20/09/2022 06:20

OP, if you're still reading I would suggest you ask a professional. I doubt many people here will have had the experience to comment. It sounds like you want the best for this little girl and you are being very kind. But you need someone to talk through the legalities of it. You're understandably emotionally involved so need someone to explain what happens in all scenarios and what is best for the child.

pinkbear95 · 20/09/2022 06:28

I think this is a complex situation that most people probably haven’t been in.

It sounds as if this man cut contact with his family to be with his partner who then passed away shortly after she had the baby. Now he has no partner and no family. He’s a single parent who’s also grieving and struggling with his mental health on top of that. He could have depression or even be suicidal, should he be in solely responsible for his child considering the circumstances?

There’s currently another thread I’m on where people are commenting saying, ‘it takes a village to raise a child,’ ‘you need to try and build your village’ etc. It sounds as if OP is this man’s village and unfortunately a lot of people don’t have that.

Whether this arrangement will be temporary or permanent, I suggest you get legal advice OP (if you’re still reading this). I’ve seen you received some good advice earlier on but I do think you need to look at the practicalities such as the financial side and the possible impact this may have on the child as she grows older. It sounds as if you’ve tried to support him and you’re doing a good thing. I’m sure she’s in better hands with you than she would be if she was taken off of her dad and put in care