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Original poster

My brother is living on the streets and I feel like I can't invite him to stay

35 replies

Cozytoesandtoast00 · 18/09/2022 20:23

My adoptive brother is in his 30's
He went to prison in his 20's and was in prison for GBH. He dealt drugs and was generally a bit on the dark side.
He reformed after leaving prison. He is a vegan, practises yoga, doesn't drink or take drugs.
He is a bit of an unusual character, in that he is very secretive and I have not met his friends. He moved to a new city. He parents died when he was about a two years old and left him a sum of money which he has been living on for the last 10 years or so.
He often disappears for years at a time.
During his last disappearance I found out he had been sent to prison. He was eventually released after 6 months.
I met him yesterday and he had changed so much. He looked unkempt and like he was struggling with his mental health.
He stated that he had not spoken to anyone in prison and they eventually let him go as they had no I evidence. He would not tell me what the reason for arrest was.
He is now homeless and living on the streets. My husband feels very reluctant to let him stay, as he is being secretive and he has no plans to work. I have children as this is also a consideration.
What do people think about this?

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 18/09/2022 20:26

Could you find him a space in a hostel?
I don't think it's wise to have him living at your home

Nclaca · 18/09/2022 20:28

I have been in this exact same situation but with a brother in law. You can't have him stay (been there done that, wish someone had told us no/listened to the gut feeling of no) but I think you know that, witg addicts you can offer them the world and it will make no difference, they have to take that step himself and until he gets to that point 🤷‍♀️
Point him to some relevant agencies or charities, but he's has a history of drugs, violence, mental health issues and do you want to bring that into your house?

IronicElf · 18/09/2022 20:28

I think your family has to come first, your children in particular. Inviting another adult into the house, with a secretive and criminal past could cause a lot of problems. You and your husband would both have to be 100% convinced and committed to the idea, and that is not the case.

I'm afraid the answer would be no from me. He's not your responsibility, your children are.

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Families
Thenose · 18/09/2022 20:32

It wouldn't be appropriate for you to invite him to live with your children, but you should ensure he has everything else he needs and give him proper support to secure long-term accommodation.

Nclaca · 18/09/2022 20:32

Also why won't he say why he was arrested. Its highly likely drugs and he doesn't want to tell you he'd relapsed, hence looking different, disappearing etc or a crime people don't want others to know about, either way it's not great.

Original poster
Cozytoesandtoast00 · 18/09/2022 20:33

Thank you for your replies. This was my gut feeling. Thank you, I just feel so sad for him.
I'll support him to find somewhere.

OP posts:
FredrikaPeri · 18/09/2022 20:34

Help him to sort something out op.
Definitely do not invite him to stay!

Thegroaninggurner · 18/09/2022 20:34

Don't do it, he won't change till he's ready to and it maybe traumatic for your children it's not worth it.

Hellocatshome · 18/09/2022 20:35

Don't have him to stay. Offer practical help regards putti

thenewduchessoflapland · 18/09/2022 20:36

Is there a local homeless outreach team that can help you?;they'll be pretty keen to get him off the streets prior to winter hitting.

Can you take him warm meals,wash his clothes,let him use your shower,get him an appointment with a GP to get some counselling and antidepressants and maybe use your address to register for benefits?

gogohmm · 18/09/2022 20:36

Help him to help himself by helping him to get a hostel place, apply for benefits etc either by doing it with him or signposting him to help. He can't just not want to work, he needs help from experts who can rehabilitate him

Original poster
Cozytoesandtoast00 · 18/09/2022 20:36

Thank you Nclaca
I really don't think it's drugs as he is so anti them now. He hasn't slept for days or spoken to anyone for months and this has taken its toll.

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 18/09/2022 20:36

putting him in touch with Shelter etc. Dont give him money as it will in all likely hood not be spent on food or accommodation. And definitely dont have him live in your house.

mathanxiety · 18/09/2022 20:37

You can try to be an advocate for him but I would not open my house to him.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 18/09/2022 20:37

Can you help with the things that need an address, things like making sure he has a bank account, ID, a place that's safe to store paperwork, register for a doctors etc.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 18/09/2022 20:38

I would get him to the council and into a hostel. I would not have him under my roof.

Summerslam · 18/09/2022 20:38

Please don't invite him into your home.

Offer him support and friendship, but not money.

As pp have said, signpost him to services available to help.

Nclaca · 18/09/2022 20:39

Cozytoesandtoast00 · 18/09/2022 20:36

Thank you Nclaca
I really don't think it's drugs as he is so anti them now. He hasn't slept for days or spoken to anyone for months and this has taken its toll.

Hopefully not. But we had the same thing, I'm a changed man, no drugs they're bad etc but disappearing, prison sentences etc. It was drugs.
I think you need to ask him again why prison, but turning up after disappearing for a while, looking wrecked, not saying what the prison sentence was for. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...

PurpleBlis · 18/09/2022 20:41

Can you tell him he's welcome for Sunday lunch each week or something like that and then also give him an hour or so of your time when he comes over so you can support him with practical stuff and accessing the support he needs.

MrsSchrute · 18/09/2022 20:54

I agree OP. I have worked with rough sleepers and they, for the most part, incredibly disconnected and lonely.
You have children, so I would suggest that you build relationship with your brother, spend time working to hook him in to mental health support, NA, the local homeless services etc. (If you're in the south west I can point you in the right direction).
There is plenty of help out there if he wants it, but the thing that will do him the most good is knowing that you are supporting him and he isn't alone. You can do that without having him live with you, at this stage at least.

Original poster
Cozytoesandtoast00 · 18/09/2022 21:00

The thing has never taken drugs. He dealt them.
He's autistic with strong beliefs about how alcohol and drugs impact health. I'm almost 100% sure he's not taking drugs, having worked in rehabilitation settings myself.
He is quite an unusual character who dismisses conventional life and capitalist society. He has never had a smart phone, TV or normal work role. The money has run out and he now has no awareness of how to live in society. He has changed his name and doesn't have any ID.
Thanks for the advice about benefit advice and supporting with personal care, I'll do that.
I'll invite him over for Sunday Lunch too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cozytoesandtoast00 · 18/09/2022 21:02

MrsSchrute thank you. I'll make sure he feels supported. Great advice

OP posts:
MrsSchrute · 18/09/2022 21:02

If he has autism then her could well be classed as a vulnerable adult, which would mean that the council has a duty to house him.

I'm assuming he doesn't have a social worker?

Original poster
Cozytoesandtoast00 · 18/09/2022 21:03

Ok that's good to know. I'll investigate that route. Thank you

OP posts:
Caroffee · 18/09/2022 21:25

A charity like Betel may be able to help someone in your relative's situation.

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