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Original poster

What does child maintenance include?

83 replies

onlyconnect · 18/09/2022 18:00

My husband and I are separating amicably. We want to agree the maintenance figure between us. Ex has asked for a list of what the costs of bringing up the children actually are. Things like food, clubs, clothes are easy but what else?
Should there be a contribution towards housing. For example? I am buying in area that is quite expensive to be near our daughter's school, is that part of the cost?
I have looked what it says on the government website but ex is keen to see the actual costs. What I have on my list per month so far comes to what the government recommends as a weekly amount so I think I must be missing something.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 18/09/2022 20:35

The recommended amount of CM is so that the children don't have vastly different lifestyles at each house.

It's more likely that you'll need to take the day off when they are ill. Or you'll taken the lower paying job so that it fits around their needs. Maybe they struggle with the split and would benefit from some counselling. Maybe they have swimming lessons now but finish those and decide they want to try rugby/ horse riding / go karting but now ex doesn't have to pay for it as he was only paying for swimming lessons.

If you have extra left over you can put it into savings for them.

I enjoy being a single parent but don't underestimate the feeling of financial responsibility, worrying that if you take on a new job and get made redundant before the 2 years are up and you aren't eligible for redundancy pay or you get ill and can't work for a while.

MrsMontyD · 18/09/2022 20:37

Also, just remember that maintenance is only paid until your dc are between 18 and 20 depending what they choose to do education wise, so you might want to put some of the money aside, use it to decrease your mortgage etc. Definitely don't agree to less than CMS minimum.

Be wary of taking on commitments that are reliant on maintenance though, you now have no influence over his career choices or him having more dc, so his income could reduce. If he dies maintenance would of course stop. While you're married you might get life insurance, death in service benefits etc. these usually cease after divorce.

Paigeycakey · 18/09/2022 20:41

Red flag. Do not make any lists. Just contact CMS. He knows full well he needs to pay.....

Agree with @JuneOsborne too!

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Fandangoes · 18/09/2022 20:47

your child is supposed to still be able to have a similar level of living as sun you were together - hence why his payments are based on his earnings. Obviously that’s not remotely possible as the parents are now paying for 2 homes etc but you get the logic.

Iamnotthe1 · 18/09/2022 20:48

He's asking for a list so that, in the future, he can refer back to it. For example, if you've said school uniform is included but then go to him asking him to pay half of the new secondary uniform, he can go back to the list and say his payments already cover that so you shouldn't be asking for more.

He's attempting to protect himself, which is his right to do, but you also don't have to do something that could potentially harm you.

BadNomad · 18/09/2022 20:50

What I have on my list per month so far comes to what the government recommends as a weekly amount

Give him your list then. Or tell him you've had a rethink and you'd rather just use the official CM calculation to keep it simple. By providing a list, you'll be giving him power to reduce the amount in the future if he doesn't agree that the kids need certain things.

Dragonskin · 18/09/2022 20:51

Has you child just been born? How on earth can he not figure out what costs might go into raising a child? He's being a knob

Singleandproud · 18/09/2022 20:56

The CMS have 3 options, hands off and you arrange I between yourselves, very hands on they calculate the amount and collect it incurring an ongoing admin fee, or the middle one which is a £20 initial admin fee and then they calculate each year how much he should pay but you set the Standing Order up between yourselves.

Honestly, the middle option is completely worth it, keeps it fair as its recalculated each year and removes any of the tit for tat that can occur and high emotions surrounding finances as its dealt with by an external source.

If you give him a list what happens when you get a new, perhaps wealthier partner. Or he does and has more children and decides his not going to pay it any more. Whilst it's amicable now it may not always remain so. A buffer to deal with financial concerns is worth it.

mrsfollowill · 18/09/2022 21:07

Don't entertain any of this- it's just a form of control. Someone I know went through similar when she split from her DH. He initially refused to pay anything as she has left him. Six months down the line when he realised she was not going to go back to him, he said he would 'reconsider'. He said she needed to supply her last six months bank statements for him to go through and he would decide what was justified in her spending. If she was spending on things like having her hair done or buying a bottle of wine then this must stop. I think he still wonders why she left him as well! CMS amount all the way.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 18/09/2022 21:29

Opportunity cost is the biggest, what would it cost him to do all the school runs and appointments and carry the mental load of his children. Hours and hours and hours of unpaid time. If it was worked out fairly, I doubt he could even afford it.

Original poster
onlyconnect · 18/09/2022 21:44

Thank you everyone. I won't send a list. You've helped me so now I can articulate what I want to say to him.

OP posts:
JulesCobb · 18/09/2022 21:54

onlyconnect · 18/09/2022 21:44

Thank you everyone. I won't send a list. You've helped me so now I can articulate what I want to say to him.

If he is difficult, op, communicate in writing and come and ask for very smart women on here to help phrase things for you.

PeekAtYou · 18/09/2022 22:03

Don't make this list and send it to him.

It sounds like he wants to pay less than the CMS amount which is the minimum that he has to pay. Once you send this list I think he's going to negotiate you down until he's paying as little as possible. The longer he drags things out and quibbles about each item on your list, you'll end up agreeing to anything so he pays something.

Tell him that you want to keep it simple and fair so you want the CMS percentage. He doesn't get to know what you spend the CMS on. Whether you spend it all or save it all, it is up to you and none of his business. CMS is his share of the children's costs when they are with you. He pays extra for the expenses when the kids are with him.

CombatBarbie · 18/09/2022 23:58

I'd be making sure it was to cover day to day costs as per the calculator (which is the minimum legal requirement....) but uniform/School trips etc are split 50/50

Ilovetocrochet · 19/09/2022 00:13

My ex wanted me to complete a spreadsheet each month of exactly what I spent my child maintenance on so that he could be sure that not a penny was being spent on me! My solicitor told him where to go - using legal terminology!

I was able to commit him to continue paying CM until the children had completed university education if they decided to go. This was written into the divorce financial arrangements which greatly helped the children pay their rent etc when at uni.

BlueBlueCowWondering · 19/09/2022 03:13

I know it's not what you asked, but you need to make sure pensions are split fairly. Don't go for a quick settlement just to get it over with if as you say he's a high earner.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 19/09/2022 04:24

A list of what he's actually paying for 🤣🤣 erm no! Presumably he's not offering to pay more than the cms advise then?

pinkfondu · 19/09/2022 05:33

onlyconnect · 18/09/2022 18:00

My husband and I are separating amicably. We want to agree the maintenance figure between us. Ex has asked for a list of what the costs of bringing up the children actually are. Things like food, clubs, clothes are easy but what else?
Should there be a contribution towards housing. For example? I am buying in area that is quite expensive to be near our daughter's school, is that part of the cost?
I have looked what it says on the government website but ex is keen to see the actual costs. What I have on my list per month so far comes to what the government recommends as a weekly amount so I think I must be missing something.

How often will he being having her?

Phillipa12 · 19/09/2022 06:09

My ex and I split amicably he is also a high earner. The first thing we did was the cms calculator together, he then set up a standing order for an amount larger than the cms amount. He has also just increased it by £100 a month because of the rising living costs without telling me, he also offers to pay for school uniform and school trips on top of what he pays. There has never been a question of what it costs per month to raise our dc, if I needed extra then he would pay it. (He offered to pay my car repair bill as he knew it might leave me short for the month) That said I never ask and he knows that. He may have been an arsehole when we were married but he was never a financial arsehole and that part has continued. Your ex needs to pay at least the recommended cms amount, it does not matter if it is more than 50% of your dcs cost.

JulesCobb · 19/09/2022 12:21

Ilovetocrochet · 19/09/2022 00:13

My ex wanted me to complete a spreadsheet each month of exactly what I spent my child maintenance on so that he could be sure that not a penny was being spent on me! My solicitor told him where to go - using legal terminology!

I was able to commit him to continue paying CM until the children had completed university education if they decided to go. This was written into the divorce financial arrangements which greatly helped the children pay their rent etc when at uni.

This op. Think longterm. You need a good solicitor used to dealing with high earners.

Testina · 19/09/2022 12:55

JuneOsborne · 18/09/2022 18:05

How does he not know this himself?

Absolutely my first thought:

Gozleme · 19/09/2022 13:02

Is it really amicable? Or is this about control?

Doesn’t he trust you to spend the money on them? Lots of men seem convinced that their ex’s are lying around drinking pina colada’s while dressing the children in rags - using “ their money”

Costs change. Clubs change. Will you be the one taking time off work if they are ill, if their are inset days? Taking unpaid leave for emergencies?

is he going to insist on a constant breakdown of spending on an ongoing basis? Tell him to bugger off and that it is concerning that he has no idea of the costs associated with raising his own children

Tell him what the CMA calculator is and go with that (that is the actual minimum as well)

knackeredagain · 19/09/2022 13:08

The child/children should have a lifestyle commensurate with their parents’ combined means. If him being a high earner means you can cover the basics but also provide extra clubs and activities, nicer clothes, taking them on holiday or living in an area which has better school choices, then that is right and fair.
Their standard of living should not be drastically reduced by their parents’ separation.

Whichwhatnow · 19/09/2022 13:34

I thought the idea of CM was to keep the child in roughly the same kind of situation in both houses/as they would be if you were still together, that's why it's a proportion of income. So if your ex is a high earner and can treat your dc, take them on holiday, buy them nice clothes etc then you should be free to do the same with whatever CMS he provides. It's not literally for the bare minimum costs.

superflyin · 19/09/2022 13:52

ArcticSkewer · 18/09/2022 18:51

agree with others, this isn't actually very amicable.
It's controlling

Certainly sounds this way.
Remember OP, whilst it's 'amicable' now, it might not always be, so don't short change yourself.