Normal sibling relationship?

[ShuffleCase]

I have a sibling 2 years older, we’ve never really got on. We are full siblings, same parents. From when I was young (age 2 onwards) he would tell me I was adopted and no one wanted me, that I wasn’t really related to my family. This is not true, he was just saying it to upset me. Is this a normal thing that older siblings say to younger siblings as a bit of a joke? I didn’t find it funny at all. It went on for years. Is that a normal thing to do to a younger sibling? My parents verbally gave him a light telling off for it sometimes but never really did any more to stop it.

I ask as we are about to have a 2nd child and I want to try to set my children up to have a good relationship with each other.

Having another child is making me rethink my family relationships and look back on them. Honestly if my older child said this I’d be horrified, but my parents didn’t really seem bothered?

I used to tell my brother he was adopted or been swapped. We have never got on so it was just part of our usual interaction really.

Sounds like your older sibling found something that got to you and enjoyed using it. That's crap and a dynamic entirely condoned and enabled by your parents failure to squash it.
It doesn't matter what was said as such, it's the fact that this power imbalance and emotional bullying was founded on your parents failure to see that it was happening and to put a stop to it.
Some unpleasant personality characteristics get validated and reinforced where a lack of just boundaries exists. It's not good for anyone involved as you're siblings potential to develop a nice side to them and for you both to enjoy a better relationship was harmed by this laissez faire attitude to sibling harmony.
My kids are taught that a joke isn't fun unless all parties involved find it funny, this is an easy rule to enforce because its clear and simple. If your childhood home had had that rule you wouldn't be needing to ask this and you and your sibling would have grown up with a healthy respect for other people's boundaries (and your own, it upholds mutual respect)

My (1 year younger) sister used to say it to me. We didn’t really get on as children.
None of my 4 DC have ever said it to one another though (and they all get on well, minor squabbles aside).

I think there is a broad range of "normal" with sibling relationships to be honest and I'm not overly sure you can pre plan for what you'd like it to be like.
It may well also change over the years too to be honest.

@CleopatrasBeautifulNose thank you that is a great idea. I think I will be borrowing that rule :) I’m a bit hormonal and worrying about the upcoming changes in our family.

Honestly sibling relationships where children are still children are 50% personality and 50% response to parenting/ parents reactions or preferences for sticking their fingers in their ears and not taking responsibility for guiding the relationship and setting boundaries.

You can't make siblings be friends but you absolutely can ensure that they treat one another with respect.

For whatever reason - incompetence, indifference, feeling overwhelmed or thinking it's normal because it mirrored their own experience, your parents obviously didn't monitor your sibling relationship.

It's not "normal" as in there's no excuse for it (blame lies first with parents for allowing this to become your normal, and second with him for not changing his behaviour at an age where he had the ability to reflect), but it isn't unusual.

It happens, but it needn't become an established normal if parents are mentally engaged.

I think it depends how it's done. I've had all of my siblings tell me I'm adopted at some point! Also been told I was an accident, the least favourite etc... we've kind of all said similar to each other, but it was always jokey and if one of us was to have been genuinely upset by it, then my mum would have put a stop to it. We always say, there is fun teasing and mean teasing, and we were allowed to fun tease but not mean tease. It's all about the intent behind the teasing, if it's said with the aim to hurt or upset, then we were quickly told off and made to stop. Fun teasing however was a free for all!

Sounds like you experienced mean teasing because it genuinely upset you and your brother persisted, despite knowing this. Also, your parents should have done more to stop it if it was obviously making you upset. I don't think meanness should be tolerated no matter how it's done - that applies to siblings, friends, other family. It's important children learn that hurting someone's feelings just for fun or to get at them, isn't ok.

Couldn't agree more @Aria2015 and @PorridgewithQuark
My two get on as well as they do because their personalities gel. My friend has 2 dc who don't particularly get on (as in seek out each others company), but harmony exists in both houses because we both actively expect the dc to show respect. Some people tolerate/foster sibling fiction as they find it validating for themselves.
Don't worry op, positive parenting gets results. Conversations about emotions, reactions why we feel and do what we do all equip a child to navigate relationships well. Clear consistent boundaries and not turning a blind eye is all you need.

My kids have told my youngest she is adopted, they got it from roblox 🤦🏻 So I don’t think it’s unusual especially if you don’t get on?

In my childhood, my parents could not have been clearer they did not tolerate arguing. However, that still didn't mean I had to have a relationship with him. We barely tolerated each other our entire lives. No amount of parental boundaries can make someone you don't like into someone you do like.

So true, but if you have to live together parental boundaries will stop it being abusive or all out war.
My older sibling hated me growing up and made sure I fully knew it every single day without fail, Xmas, birthday... every day, our parents hated confrontation and taught me to be a good little victim as that rocked the boat the least for them.
I learnt well from them how not to manage sibling harmony. My own parenting is the exact opposite of what they did. So at least the lesson was useful.

My three now adult DC all get on really well, I just think it’s pot luck. I don’t think it’s anything to do with age gaps or anything I did or didn’t do.

A two year difference isn't much - if it had been a 7 year difference so a teen was telling a child they were adopted - that's worse imv.

Of course you can't make siblings like each other.

You can make them behave respectfully and intervene when they don't.

I think a lot of 1970s and '80s parents just wanted their peace and as long as nobody was badly injured didn't actually give a shit. My parents endlessly told me to "turn the other cheek" and endure absolutely horrible comments and also endless pestering and physical attacks from my sibling because she was younger and smaller and therefore in their opinion couldn't possibly do me any harm. The moment I fought back I was shamed and punished but I was to put up with her jumping into my back or stomach if I lay on the sofa, kicking and hitting me in the stomach and endlessly calling me fat especially if anyone from outside the family was around.

If I dared complain about my sister physically attacking me or calling me fat my parents told me to play with her and that she only wanted my attention.

They had two children thinking we'd entertain one another and leave them in peace, and were determined this would happen and refused to intervene unless they thought the little one might get hurt physically.

My parents also lived chanting"children are resilient" which to them meant that they could do what suited them (frequent house and associated school moves mainly) without ever considering us.

Hopefully a smaller proportion of parents these days expect the first child to always entertain the younger ones and leave them in peace, and not to have to get involved unless there's blood or broken bones...

My older brother used to beat the shit out of me and controlled everything I did, my mum was oblivious to it. I don't have a relationship with him now as he tried to continue his behaviour when we were adults. I never quite forgave my mum for allowing it to happen either.

My older brothers weren't great with me growing up but were good once I got to older teens. Before that was lots of teasing and insults.
My kids playfight but they are so so loving and sweet with each other. And that's what I see with friends kids too.. maybe we're all more aware of bullying and stuff these days, more involved in parenting, and don't eant to repeat the pattern so we encourage loving relationships?
It's awful to think of how many kids feel/felt uncomfortable in their own homes.. the safe place.

My sibling repeated everything I said, in a sing song voice.

For about 10 years...

It's always the older siblings who are horrible bullies to the younger ones. They seem to feel that they have some sort of "power" over them.

But obviously this isn't always the case, and doesn't necessarily mean it will happen in your family. And there are things that can be done to rein in the behaviour, etc. It's normally when it goes unchecked by the parents that it carries on for years, sadly.

Grandeur that's not true. Younger "golden" children are often allowed to attack and mock older siblings and take or break their belongings whilst parents mock the older one for complaining and tell them not to make a fuss - and only ever punish the older one for defending themselves even when the age difference is small and the older child very young when it all starts.

This was my experience from age 6 or so (I have vivid memories in connection with a house move when I was 6) and it went on right through our teens- younger sibling was always to be made allowances for because she was"only little" and I was "old enough to understand" - regardless of whether we were 6 and 4 or 16 and 14 at the time.

I've seen this happen with relatives' and aquaintences' children since - it's lazy parenting, making the eldest responsible for the younger one's entertainment, safety and behaviour and punishing only the eldest if they react to provocation like the child they are (like some kind of child-babysitter/ whipping boy/ girl) because the parents cbh to properly supervise and expected the children to require minimal input once the first child is "given" the "gift" of a sibling to play with.

I just collected my youngest from a friend's house and my youngest told me in the car that his friend's younger brother constantly interrupted their game outside by throwing things at them, drew on his brother's coat with spit and later broke the lego model they were building and his friend just moved away each time until the lego model was broken by a thrown toy, when his friend shouted. The parents didn't see any of it according to my youngest (I asked whether they moved the little brother away and he kept returning) and only told ds's friend off for shouting at his brother and told him it was his own fault for not letting him play...

Five year age gap but younger child is 7 (and doesn't have additional needs). Strangely 80% of the time this friend comes to ours to play...

It's definitely a parent's job to occupy and distract their younger children (and ideally have a friend of theirs over too but still keep a close watch) when the older one/s has/ have friends over rather than leave the younger one bored and pestering the older sibling to the point they're either forced to babysit and orient everything around their sibling's wants (leading to their friends not wanting to come over any more) or get into trouble for trying to play or "hang out" with their friends without including and centering everything around their sibling.

Yes, pretty normal.
My dc have done this.
Not something I'd worry about.
They get on.

Pretty standard sibling teasing I’d say. I used to say it to my sister - we were not close as kids but we are as adults.

Normal back in the days. Don't know if it's different now with different parenting methods. But theres 3 of us, and me and my brother always used to tell the youngest she was adopted for like our whole childhood lol. Same with others I know, they would tell the youngest they're adopted.

I said the same to my younger sibling. We are very close now. All normal then.

I used to tease DB that he was “a mistake” (I meant accident) because he wasn’t planned and there’s a tiny age gap between us. He just bantered back. I think it’s totally normal for siblings to tease each other and argue.

We’re very good friends these days, and have been since our mid teens. And the irony is, the age gap between my two DC is the exact same as it is between my and DB!

In terms of fostering a good relationship between siblings, it’s different for every family, but I tend to do things like get them to help each other out with things. “Can you help your brother find his shoes please? Can you help your sister with her coat? Thanks for being so helpful!” Etc

I show them photos and videos of when they were young and say things like “you loved your big brother so much, you saved all your baby smiles for him” and “you are such a good big brother, you used to bring your baby sister a toy if she cried”.

I don’t force them to play together but sometimes I’ll encourage a bit of “them versus me” in a very lighthearted way so I’ll say “I’m going to leave these two biscuits here for when I get back from doing this job upstairs” and when I come back, the biscuits will be gone and they’ll be giggling together and I’ll do the whole “oh, I wonder where my biscuits have gone” charade while they look at each other and laugh their socks off.
Obviously I do things like that when I’m happy for them to have a snack, I don’t encourage “stealing” food. That’s just one example.

I also don’t allow any hitting or pushing etc. They can argue to a certain extent because they have to learn problem solving without me getting involved every single time. And because they’re kids and that’s what kids do! But I draw the line at physically hurting each other.

Wow that’s an essay…