Normal sibling relationship?

[ShuffleCase]

I have a sibling 2 years older, we’ve never really got on. We are full siblings, same parents. From when I was young (age 2 onwards) he would tell me I was adopted and no one wanted me, that I wasn’t really related to my family. This is not true, he was just saying it to upset me. Is this a normal thing that older siblings say to younger siblings as a bit of a joke? I didn’t find it funny at all. It went on for years. Is that a normal thing to do to a younger sibling? My parents verbally gave him a light telling off for it sometimes but never really did any more to stop it.

I ask as we are about to have a 2nd child and I want to try to set my children up to have a good relationship with each other.

Having another child is making me rethink my family relationships and look back on them. Honestly if my older child said this I’d be horrified, but my parents didn’t really seem bothered?

I think you're allowed to feel how you feel whether others agree it's normal or not. I'm sure all of us have things that were said or which happened to us when we were children that seem objectively inconsequential to others when we talk about them years later but nonetheless take us right back to how deeply it got to us at the time. All you can do at home with your own DC is foster open and healthy relationships and model respect towards others - whether they end up being close as adults will ultimately be their own business, unfortunately in real life not everybody gets on just because they are related.

I don't think it's uncommon for siblings to churn out the 'you're adopted' line or similar. I do think it's important to remember that regardless of whether you are close to your sibling now, those things were said when he was a child and not really fully capable of understanding a great deal about whether it caused hurt. You knew you weren't adopted and so did he so it isn't as though you in fact were and therefore it was especially cruel or that there was any reason that, in the eyes of your parents, it was a huge deal that they needed to severely punish on your behalf.

I taught Primary school aged children for a few years and have heard a lot worse, children often don't meaningfully know what they're saying and are not easily able to regulate strong feelings they have of jealousy, insecurity, hurt, and so they often say rude or hurtful things, particularly when threatened or when competing for attention. There is no point being horrified or imagining it says much about them on a deeper level and much more point getting to the bottom of what's wrong and enabling them to apologise and learn as they develop on concepts such as other people's feelings, being kind, normalising apologies etc.

Oh dear! I told my 3 lovely children that I bought them off of e-bay. Does that make me bad? 😗

Me and my siblings fought like cat and dog growing up and this kind of thing is exactly what we would have said to each other. We get on ok as adults but a big part of my decision to never have more than one child is I know I don't have the patience for the constant bickering!

Brilliant post @PorridgewithQuark thank you for describing it so well 👍

It’s usually written about as older child’s jealousy causing all the trouble.

I had all that blame for things because I ‘should know better’.

The age gap was only 16 months.

There are many photos of us with my arm round DSis. I came home every day from school and taught her what I’d learned - she could already read when she started school. I constantly entertained her and another sibling born before I was 4.

I was blamed for any squabbling and DSis did cotton onto the fact that this would happen. But there just wasn’t enough supervision for DM to know who started it. I had to include her in any activity and friendship but she didn’t have to do the same - that has persisted for decades.
By around 10 or 11 she was taller and heavier than me and could barge me out of her way easily enough and did when no one was looking.

I did come to resent her despite many positive memories from sharing a bedroom etc. But there is no evidence to say the problem was sibling rivalry when she was born. There’s far more evidence of a constant wanting to displace me tbh!!

My parents verbally gave him a light telling off for it sometimes but never really did any more to stop it.

This jumped out at me OP. My brother (2 years older) used to really badly hurt me and my parents never really did anything to stop it. My brother and I have a pretty good relationship now but I remember feeling genuinely scared of him at times when we were kids/teens.

I’ve always tried to foster decent relationships between my DC and a big part of that has been trying to be fair about fighting and disagreements. Also not belittling any ‘I hate him!’ type outbursts and validation of all angry and irritated sentiments.

They’re now 4, 7 & 9 and they get on well. There are blow ups and the dynamics shift (currently 7 and 9 year olds are getting on very well and finding the 4 year old annoying - for a long time though DC1 thought DC2 was annoying and DC3 was the cutest thing ever…) But they play together, they support each other in their endeavours and they do really kind things for each other when nobody’s looking.

You can’t make siblings get on but you can definitely foster a culture of respect, support and kindness in your home.