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Original poster

I've absolutely lost it this morning!

48 replies

Mybackteeth · 17/09/2022 12:45

Please tell me I am not alone (and what you did/are doing to overcome) in having a 4 year old DS just not listen to a single word you say!

I am usually quite calm and stern when he isn't listening or I will often get him to repeat an instruction and follow it up with "good job" or "good listening". But today!!! I lost it. I don't think I've ever shouted so loud before. Totally lost it with him. I'm so fed up of having ask him to do things 10 million times or to stop doing something wrong. For example, I will say "we're getting to a road, can you hold my hand please?" And he will either refuse and throw a strop or just ignore me. Same applies when he is on his scooter. It honestly feels like anything I say goes in one ear and out of the other.

It's getting to a point this week where I actually feel like I don't want to be around him at all. I feel awful saying that, but that's how I feel at the moment.

He only ever seems to listen or be smiley and nice when he wants something or if he knows we are about to do something fun. Soon after that he is back to not listening.

Any advice please?

When i have calmed down, I know I definitely need to apologise for shouting at him like that ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
Mybackteeth · 17/09/2022 12:46

Should also add that I am a single mum, so there is no partner to ease the stress

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Funinthemud · 17/09/2022 12:48

If you know the answer please share I sympathise

I try and use incentives

No breakfast or kindle till school uniform is on

If I now I need him to do something I always try and make him do something before he gets what he wants

RewildingAmbridge · 17/09/2022 12:48

Immediate and impactful consequences, prepare him before you go out that if he doesn't listen you will be coming home, use a warning system, if you are not holding my hand by the time I count to three we will be going home etc and then actually do it. Even if you were also looking forward to the trip. Give clear instructions, clear consequences and follow through on what you say.
They soon learn.

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RewildingAmbridge · 17/09/2022 12:51

I also find that getting quieter rather than louder, when they don't listen helps. Quiet but firm, is more impactful than shouting and they know you've lost control. All trial and error but this what works with DS

Herbie0987 · 17/09/2022 12:53

When you are out put him on reins and hold his hand till it becomes a habit to hold your hand.
When he isn’t listening to you , get down to his level and make eye contact and talk clearly to him.
Children have such busy minds sometimes you have to slow them down to hear what you are saying

Original poster
Mybackteeth · 17/09/2022 12:56

Thank you for the tips.

I have been tempted to go home before but never gone through with it because u was concerned other parents would think I was being too strict. E.g misbehaving at a party by going in to rooms he shouldn't.

I note the point about busy minds, I think it must be a bit of that too as he is always doing one thing or the other

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HarpicHarpy · 17/09/2022 12:57

Sounds similar to my ds5. How does he react when you give plenty of notice of the rules and what's expected of him? My ds is listening, it just takes him a while to process and get used to the idea! Surprising him with a request of "please hold my hand" throws his plans into disarray and he'll refuse or act out. I calmly explain what's expected of him before we go out or start an activity and also the reasons why. Gentle reminders throughout like "remember how we talked about hand holding and why it's important?" Then give him a choice "would you like to hold my hand or go home?". He's basically testing you and wants to see how much control he has in the situation. Get him on side and make him think it's a joint decision. Good luck!

fromcitytocountry · 17/09/2022 13:04

Minimise distractions when talking to your little one and keep the questions simple, with options so they feel like they have some choice. Lots of talking = zoning out.
If they don't answer ask again stating you can make the decision for them and on third time make the decision for them

Original poster
Mybackteeth · 17/09/2022 13:05

I do actually give notice a lot of the time. So I will say 54321 or I will say please can you do xyz in 5 minutes. However I'm not sure he understands minutes just yet 🤣 so that's probably pointless. Perhaps I should start from 10 secs instead to give him more time.

I like the idea of giving him a choice, going to try that too.

I also find that sometimes we will talk about things beforehand and he seems to agree on it, however soon after he does the opposite. E.g he goes to a drama class on the weekend. They play lots of games and sing songs. He is so excited to go in the morning, however the feedback from the teacher is that he isn't listening and leaves the circle to sit on his own and play. Not sure if that's because the term has just started though as last term he was making good progress with listening and engagement (and singing!)

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Flowerpot28 · 17/09/2022 13:29

Omg! I had the exact same morning with my 4year old!! Did not listen at all and I lost it!! I had to call my mum to come and get them (which I never do) 😂😂 Thank God she was here within half and hour I don’t think she’s ever heard me so annoyed before. They’ve gone till Monday evening

Original poster
Mybackteeth · 17/09/2022 13:35

@Flowerpot28 I need a mum like yours!! 🤣

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Booklover3 · 17/09/2022 13:46

You need a break by the sounds of it. Is there anyway you can have at least an evening of to relax? I always find my patience runs out when I’m knackered and I need some me time.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 17/09/2022 13:56

presumably he knows he has to hold your hand crossing the road. He can see the road. Just say 'hand'. Everything else is 'fluff' and he's zoning it out.

like puppies, they need short, clear instructions not waffle. You can waffle more at home. 'We're going out soon, you'll need to put your shoes on'. Then when you're ready for him to do that just say 'DS shoes'

font count down, it just gives them
procrastination time & leads to them factoring it in when you ask them to do something.

all the asking nicely is just distracting him from the task & being tuned out by his busy mind.it's hard not to do it! But give it a go.

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 17/09/2022 13:57

@Flowerpot28 your mum is a star ⭐️.

enjoy your weekend!!

MiniPumpkin · 17/09/2022 14:01

You need a break, that’ll help a bit l. I get it though, my dd is 4 and I swear she has lost her listening ears over the last few weeks. Also if I tell her ‘don’t do that’ she does not listen. But I’ve been trying ‘I have an idea, why don’t you try nice gentle hands’ 😆 works a bit better but hey I’m no expert.

CaptainBarbosa · 17/09/2022 14:22

I think we would all love to be that perfect smiling never shouts always has a arts and crafts activity to hand and embracing our children with smiles and living cuddles 100% of the time.

And we all would love to have those children with perfect listening skills, polite and perfect manners at all times.

But the reality is, that's just not it, that's not how parenting goes 😂

We shout, they have meltdowns, and you know what, the world keeps turning. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don't worry OP, my son has ADHD and I think people expect me to always have this caring and understanding smiles and comforting nature to me 100% of the time, you know because he's neurodiverse. But to be honest after the 200th time of saying "can you please stop yelling and jumping off the sofa" eventually I scream "JUST STOP IT NOW!!"

and after asking for the millionth time "please hold my hand as we cross the road" I've grabbed his hand and said firmly "hand or we aren't crossing" and it's ended up as a firm grip around his wrist.

Such is life. Don't sweat it. We are human.

Original poster
Mybackteeth · 17/09/2022 14:40

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 @CaptainBarbosa I can definitely relate! Although sometimes when I see other parents, I wonder if it's just me who gets angry with their kids.

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination he knows he has to hold my hand, but he will often be so focused on pretending to be a bus or a dinosaur that me askingtl to hold his hands takes away from his very important imaginary game 🙄 from what you're saying, I need to be firmer. I honestly thought I was tbh but perhaps I need to also be consistent.

Yes, I definitely need a break. He will be off to my mum.next weekend. Cannot wait!

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Teacupsandtoast · 17/09/2022 14:46

No one ever warns you about the 'fuck it fours'. Far more terrifying than the terrible twos or threenager stage!

Original poster
Mybackteeth · 17/09/2022 14:50

Nope definitely wasn't warned 🤣 I am hoping that now he is in school, his concentration and listening skills will improve. Can only hope for the best

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CaptainBarbosa · 17/09/2022 14:51

Mybackteeth · 17/09/2022 14:40

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 @CaptainBarbosa I can definitely relate! Although sometimes when I see other parents, I wonder if it's just me who gets angry with their kids.

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination he knows he has to hold my hand, but he will often be so focused on pretending to be a bus or a dinosaur that me askingtl to hold his hands takes away from his very important imaginary game 🙄 from what you're saying, I need to be firmer. I honestly thought I was tbh but perhaps I need to also be consistent.

Yes, I definitely need a break. He will be off to my mum.next weekend. Cannot wait!

Nah, some just have a better public face/mask.

A prime example is Catherine with Louis at the Jubilee Pageant. Underneath she was itching to pull him to one side at one point and ask him to stop kicking the seats and annoying Charlotte, but she smiled through gritted teeth and placated him with drinks and sweets 😂

I also have had this moment when during a CAHMS Video Link with my son's consultant , DS found a dead spider in the corner of some room in the house and then preceded to put said spider corpse in my hair 🤮😭 and I just sat on Zoom and smiled and literally thanked DS for putting a dead spider in my hair, I didn't flinch 😂 had I not been "watched during that moment" I would have said quite sternly "No DS that wasn't nice, don't do that" and have furiously run my fingers through my hair to remove the corpse with an obvious look of disgust/anger on my face! But I just sat and smiled.

Wildflowerbeauty · 17/09/2022 15:01

Ok , I’ve done this and it works . I make up a trip in my mind like a park visit that I no we won’t end up going to . I suggest the trip , if my child plays up as expected, I warn them we will not be going if it continues, it continues and we don’t go ! I do this at the start of school holidays . Normally only once as it sets the standard that I follow through with consequences. Always thing of realistic consequences if he won’t listen . Calmly tell him . And follow through if need be , good luck .

Original poster
Mybackteeth · 17/09/2022 15:08

@CaptainBarbosa 🤣 I'm not sure I would've been able to stay calm at all during that, I would have looked like a maniac trying to get the spider off me!

@Wildflowerbeauty thank you for this suggestion. With my DS I suspect he would actually listen and behave himself in order for us to go to the park or whatever it was, but when we get there that's when he would decide that he is done with listening 🤯

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KathieFerrars · 17/09/2022 16:00

Reins. He either listens and does what he is told or he has baby reins. I never actually used them - just had them hanging out of a pocket and jangled them to make the point. Instant hand holding.

Bluedabadeeba · 17/09/2022 16:15

Mine hasn't reached that age yet. But I've worked with many. This book is good with practical ideas: How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen.

.... and, if you have literally no time to read a book, like most of us, skip to the end of each chapter and has an itemised summary!!

Good luck!

Original poster
Mybackteeth · 17/09/2022 16:23

@Bluedabadeeba free to download on Kindle!! Cheers!!

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