I've absolutely lost it this morning!

[Mybackteeth]

Please tell me I am not alone (and what you did/are doing to overcome) in having a 4 year old DS just not listen to a single word you say!

I am usually quite calm and stern when he isn't listening or I will often get him to repeat an instruction and follow it up with "good job" or "good listening". But today!!! I lost it. I don't think I've ever shouted so loud before. Totally lost it with him. I'm so fed up of having ask him to do things 10 million times or to stop doing something wrong. For example, I will say "we're getting to a road, can you hold my hand please?" And he will either refuse and throw a strop or just ignore me. Same applies when he is on his scooter. It honestly feels like anything I say goes in one ear and out of the other.

It's getting to a point this week where I actually feel like I don't want to be around him at all. I feel awful saying that, but that's how I feel at the moment.

He only ever seems to listen or be smiley and nice when he wants something or if he knows we are about to do something fun. Soon after that he is back to not listening.

Any advice please?

When i have calmed down, I know I definitely need to apologise for shouting at him like that ☹️

Pep talk before you go anywhere.

Make a deal.

Shake hands on your 'deal'. The deal is that the activity will continue if the agreement is followed.

If he ignores the rules then you go home.

Don't try mind reading or gauging other people's reactions. They're not bringing up your child. Tell a party host that DS is going home as you think he needs a rest.

You don't have to shout. Just tell DS he has broken the agreement and the consequence is exactly what you said it would be.

Don't be afraid of disciplining in public. Don't be afraid of looking bossy. Be firm. Be authoritive. Don't phrase your directions as if they're a request that he has an option of refusing.

I do t think you should apologise. It doesn't hurt kids to know when they have pushed too far.

Same here op. I'm at the end of my tether with repeating myself.

EVERY single thing seems to need repeating 4, 5 times until they listen and do it. Put your shoes on, put your shoes on, etc etc etc ad fucking nauseum.

I don't know what the solution is.

I end up screaming or just stare at them and say nothing.

They just don't seem to give a shit when I speak!

And praise good listening, good following of directions, good attention to requirements in the Saturday activity.

Make sure he knows you're pleased and proud when he gets through a party peacefully, or does what others are doing at the class, follows a teacher's directions. Tell him you knew he could do it. Big hug (do not offer sweets or any other tangible treat) and big smile.

He's four. He wants to please you. Work with that.

And at some point all this airy fairy making deals etc has to end

They just need to do as they're told!!

Argh

You could look into 123 Magic too.

@mackthepony
The deal making isn't airy fairy unless the parent fails to follow through.

A few instances of something nice being immediately withdrawn should be enough to impress upon a child of four that mommy means business.

Op I have a 4.5yo and an almost 3yo. At least once a week I feel like absolutely bellowing 'for the love of fucking god will you fucking listen to me, stop fucking about and put your fucking shoes on!!!!' I don't say it. But by god I want to.

Hi OP,

I hope you get a well deserved break soon!

In terms of listening/behaviour. I echo what some PP have said in terms of going through with everything you say, it really does work. I used to be a nursery nurse and this is such a key thing, as soon as you start giving empty threats they know they can get away with most things.

Saying "if you don't hold my hand, then we'll go home" and actually going home if he doesn't hold you're hand, he will listen! I see it so much and also do this with my niece and nephew and own DC.

For example my 3yr old niece was at our house and we went to the shop for an ice cream, and I said to them before we left they have to hold our hands on roads etc, got down to their level and have clear instructions, and then when we left I said to DN "hold my hand please, we're at a road" and she ignored me and I said "If you don't hold my hand to cross, we'll be going home and you won't get an ice cream" she still ignored me and then I said "right we're going home" and started walking back towards the house and she quickly grabbed my hand and said "no!" And I got down to her level and repeated myself and said "you need to hold my hand to cross, or we will go home ok" and she held my hand the whole way there and back.

I know it's not always an ideal situation but Empty threats are absolutely pointless!

@youarntaguest the reason I wanted to apologise is because I totally lost it, to the point where my throat is still hurting from the shouting. I would of course prefer him to channel his anger in other ways such as being firm and controlled, rather than shouting at someone as I did to him. Honestly it was awful. I do get your point too, but as I recognise that I went too far, i feel I should acknowledge it, even if I don't explicitly say im sorry. However also making it clear what the expectation is moving forward (thanks to the great tips I've had in the replies).

I don't drink, so instead I am looking forward to a tub of Ben and Jerry's tonight!

Punishment can be so effective, e.g. a naughty step, going straight home etc. You need to be 100% committed and consistent though for it to work. We use the naughty step (basically a time out) and it's great for us as we will use it out in the park, the shops, our house, grandparents houses etc. Therefore DS knows if he isn't listening he will have to sit quietly and calmly, then have a chat with us and have to apologise. He very rarely ends up in this time out now, mostly because he hates sitting down without attention for a few mins 🤣

However, we find that proactive strategies are way more effective and less stressful. If we need DS (age 4) to walk somewhere, we take snacks, stickers etc. What are your DCs interests? Dinosaurs? Unicorns? PJ masks? Pick something they love and use it as rewards. E.g. DC shall we cross the road holding hands as dinosaurs or as giraffes? Do you want to hold my thumb or my elbow? It can be a bit silly but it makes a huge difference with these sorts of little battles. If they're behaving at the park, call them over and give them a sticker for playing nicely.

The solution is you pick up the shoes and put them on.
Any kicking off " I said put your shoes on"
No begging, pleading or asking 5 times.
I tell them then its shoes on, hold their hand etc
Instruction, then action.

Yep
I dont negotiate with children

My first thought.

Just explain it to him.

Ds you are 4. Old enough to listen and follow instructions. I will trust you to do so but if you choose not too then I'll have to make you safe other ways - because that's my job as your mum.

Ignoring strops can be emotional torture - but it's worth it in the end

@Sisisisi
YY - give the instruction once. Then take action.

Don't let the children get into the habit of disregarding you. It is a very hard habit to break.

Interrupt them physically if they ignore the verbal direction, and make it clear that they must comply.

@katmarie

once a WEEK!!

not day?
not hour?
not 5mins??

you're doing exceptionally well!!

@Mybackteeth yes, firmer! But also just 'less wordy'

'DS hand'

NAME to get attention
INSTRUCTION

no waffle!

once you have his hand (tight!!) then you can tell him 'well done DS'

At his age he needs to learn to follow instructions, not be bribed into them with stickers & waffle.

he knows what he needs to do, it doesn't need a full explanation or conversation.

We struggle with this so much and then today DS came home with a good listening sticker from nursery (actually a bit of paper sellotaped to his jumper).

I think it might be along the lines of incentivising the thing he can't do, but he is so in love with that sticker. I've just taken it out of his hot little hand while he snores away. It made me remember how proud he is when we tell him he has done something well - bit of a reminder to try everything above but praise him most of all.

How about a 2 way apology. He needs to apologise to you as well as you do to him.

'We need to say sorry to each other, I am sorry for getting so cross - are you sorry for ignoring/not listening/disobeying.'

There was a reason you were cross and I have a suspicion that boys who think mummy should apologise when they (the child) have been shits sometimes turn into men who think women should apologise for their (the man's) shitty behaviour.

No advice... When Dd was 4, her ignoring me was so bad, I thought she might actually be deaf. I booked a hearing test at the doctors and I was quite embarrassed when the dr announced her hearing was perfect 😬😬😬

I think as a working parent through my DCs years at school is give him time. As adults we have our own schedule children of that age have no idea. Perhaps get up earlier, keep tv and devices off. They need your attention and your time, at this age you are their whole world

I echo what a PP said, they are like puppies and you need to bark short orders at them. I see so many parents using long flowery sentences which in the end turn meaningless as the child doesn't know what it expected of them.
"Hand, please", "come here" rather than "DC, we're almost at the road now and it's very dangerous, could you please stand next to me and hold my hand" the child has lost concentration way before the instruction in that sentence. As you're walking safely across the road you can go into detail of road safety.

I don’t think you need to apologise for shouting.

I’m a smile-through-gritted-teeth sort, but DH has always had this “emotional honesty” with the DCs. I don’t know how else to describe it.

If they ignore him and he’s slightly annoyed, there’s no sugar coating. It’s like it’s never occurred to him to hide it. So he’ll say he’s slightly annoyed or be obvious in his appearance that he’s slightly annoyed and they respond. They would ignore me repeating and cajoling and begging for 5 minutes (making us all late, me grumpy, there may be a tears by the end of it..), but he solves it in 5 seconds and then they’re happily carrying on with their day again. I can’t emulate it though.

Go home...always follow through..

Stop worrying about what other parents think..

Try 1,2,3 magic

Maybe reflect on if you are putting too many commands/instructions together....the world is an exciting place with lots of distractions....
I found i was saying too many things like hold this, do that, watch out....etc without checking each had been heard...dc just heard bit of the first then blah blah blah...

I also read how to talk so kids will listen...which was also helpful for me but a bit wordy for dc...but i know others had success...

Cut yourself some slack....it can be hard work and you're reflecting and looking for support... there maybe some classes at a children's centre
.they can be good and u meet others too.....you are not alone!