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Original poster

Any farmer's wives out there? Do you have a high-pressure job?

49 replies

OverwhelmedAnonymous · 16/09/2022 17:41

(name changed)

I want to hear from farmer’s wives only please on this for some real life ‘in the know’ perspective outside my own friendship circles.

I am married to a farmer and have recently returned from maternity leave after having second DS. And oh my goodness am I struggling.

I have a high pressure and intense job and since being back full time I’m feeling so stressed. It was stressful before but this is not really sustainable. Obviously DH isn’t around a huge amount especially during peak times of year.

this is how the day goes. up pre 6am, sort out animals, attempt to do some exercise but usually fail. Join in DH getting kids up and ready. General mad morning scramble. Drop off at nursery. Quick dog walk and to work at the office or at home. Work is super intense and for example today I had no lunch and barley even any drinks as there was an issue which I had to resolve. Work happens whilst coordinating things like lorries arriving, people in and out of the house to see DH. Maybe a shopping delivery. Do nursery pick up, supper/bath/stories/bed. Start again with animals, including ‘admin’ of sorts for them such as stock checking feed, bedding, worming, vet trips, meds etc etc. Sort laundry and nursery gear for the next day. Hopefully eat, maybe see DH. Tidy and sort any life admin. By now it’s 9.30 there abouts. Shower, lists for next day, pack for office if applicable.

I realise single parents have it tougher, although it feels like I am one for quite a large proportion of the year.

I am starting to wonder if I can maintain an intense, full time job. We need the money really, but I also feel like I’m starting to crack with the relentlessness of it all. My heart races much of the day and I feel rushed and panicked, then get really down on and off to, to the point I feel like just running away. I don’t know any other farmer’s wives who do more than a fairly low stress part time job so I have no point of reference for our situation.

please be kind if you feel you have any advice to offer x

OP posts:
Original poster
OverwhelmedAnonymous · 16/09/2022 17:48

Oh and often I have more work to catch up on in the evenings but I try really hard to avoid this wherever I can. There is also ALWAYS something that needs fixing, yesterday!!

OP posts:
YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 16/09/2022 17:51

Although I’m retired now for the first 23 years of marriage we were tenant farmers, mixed arable/dairy.
I worked nights as a nurse, often alternate nights with little or no sleep. I also did the calf rearing, farm books, ran errands, dealt with reps, deliveries and sales, all the registration and legal side of farming, harvesting etc, etc.
To be honest, with 2 small children, I don’t know how I did it!
It’s relentless and bloody hard work.

Original poster
OverwhelmedAnonymous · 16/09/2022 17:55

Working nights?? Oh my you are Wonder Woman!

OP posts:
NiceTwin · 16/09/2022 17:55

Every farmer's wife I know doesn't work (I have a rural business), apart from helping out during lambing time and doing the paperwork/books associated with the farm.

I imagine you and your dh are like ships passing in the night at times.
Can you do something less demanding, have you discussed it with your dh?

Original poster
OverwhelmedAnonymous · 16/09/2022 17:57

I really like my job and have worked hard to get to a senior position. It’s well paid. I don’t know where to start with thinking about pulling back. It’s part of my identity too.

OP posts:
Original poster
OverwhelmedAnonymous · 16/09/2022 17:58

Sorry to answer your question, I haven’t discussed it with my husband

OP posts:
YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 16/09/2022 17:59

OverwhelmedAnonymous · 16/09/2022 17:55

Working nights?? Oh my you are Wonder Woman!

Thank you but I definitely wasn’t!😄
It was a case of needs must, to try and keep our heads above water. I didn’t have any help with childcare so nights were the only option.
Looking back I don’t know how I survived; I absolutely commiserate with the exhaustion.

America12 · 16/09/2022 18:02

Do you have the option to go part time ? Or outsource something?

Original poster
OverwhelmedAnonymous · 16/09/2022 18:05

We already have a cleaner and one of the farm staff mows the lawns. Children are in nursery. Not sure what else I can outsource other than my own job!

OP posts:
Original poster
OverwhelmedAnonymous · 16/09/2022 18:06

I have asked my employer about doing 4 days and it was a straight no, told I am needed full time and there is too much to cut it back. Which isn’t wrong but I have little time to myself or even to get on top of the day to day chores!

OP posts:
thebluehen · 16/09/2022 18:10

I'm a farm manager's partner of 14 years. So I appreciate it's not quite the same but I have an idea.

I have only worked part time and we are arable only. It's still bloody tough. We had 5 kids between us (grown up now) and at harvest it was all down to me with everyone telling me what a hero dp was for working so hard! 🙄 Mostly his day finished before mine!

It has stopped me from moving my career forward. I do everything at home because he is completely absorbed by the job 24 hours a day.

I don't know any other farm wives with high end full time jobs. Most don't work outside the home and any that do are part time, low pressure jobs.

CormoranStrike · 16/09/2022 18:11

Can you outsource:

Dog walking
accounts/books
shopping
more farm jobs, so husband can go park time

Original poster
OverwhelmedAnonymous · 16/09/2022 18:15

Dog walking I won’t outsource, I feel it’s important to get exercise for my mental health. And I love them of course. I need that 20-30 minutes I think. Good idea for when work is really tough though. I don’t do anything with the books. Not sure how you outsource shopping more than ordering a delivery! When I physically go to get food it’s usually something special I can only get from the local butcher or cheese shop for example

OP posts:
Original poster
OverwhelmedAnonymous · 16/09/2022 18:22

*also laughing at husband going part time. I take it you’re not married to a farmer 😊

OP posts:
Curioushorse · 16/09/2022 18:23

Hullo! I'm not a farmer's wife, but two of my cousins are. One is a teacher and don't want to say the other career as it's a little niche- but very high-powered. They have good lifestyles- but obviously it's a very different lifestyle to other couples.

Looking at your list, neither of them help with the animals in the morning and evening. The teacher spends most of her free time cooking for her husband and his erratic hours- but she enjoys that. Her career means she's also at home when most of the difficult parts of the year occur, and she (and the kids) does help with those.

The 'high-powered' one and her husband live off ready meals and takeaways. This is literally a coping strategy, because they just don't stand a chance with any other option. 'High-powered' job means they can afford a nanny, which helps a lot.

I also think having lots of farmer friends helps. That's sort of their lifestyle. Because it means all their social times are when they can fit them in.

It does work. They are happy.

(One is dairy farm, btw. One a mixture of stuff)

Shortandfurry301 · 16/09/2022 18:26

I work with farmers. The only farmer's wife I know who works full time is an engineer but her parents live on site and sort children, school runs, extra curricular activities, do most of food shopping and cooking and look after poultry, run errands and sell the product they produce, while her husband runs the farm. They really needed her income at one point though when her husband was injured very seriously, so I wouldn't give up your role too readily op. Most of the other farmers wives I know have pt work in retail, care work or work in a nearby estate in admin or hospitality.

Could you afford to employ a mother's help or could you invite any family members to move in? You need to talk to your husband. You need more support when your dc are this small and you have broken nights.

SJW0 · 16/09/2022 18:26

Sorry to hear about your plight @OverwhelmedAnonymous
Farming is a life with as much diversity as any a nation. From families with tens of thousands of acres of mainly arable they own outright, to small tenant farmers renting just 300 acres of pasture.
The capital structure of the farm really does affect the dynamics of the family who occupy it.
The scale too also matters. Costs can be either spread or shared and that has beneficial implications at the family level.
Start at the business structure and then decide if it supports the kind of family time you want.
Not a farmer’s wife, but from a d farming background and supporting farmers in different ways.

Shielders2020 · 16/09/2022 18:28

I’m a farmers wife and probably the best I can say is it will get easier, kids get bigger can help sort animals, are more independent etc, I work for the farm doing all the usual stuff and every morning doing yard jobs.
if you love your job then I’d say stick with it, we are dairy so it’s all year round but I guess arable is Easton the winter.
sorry that’s prob no use but I feel your pain.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 16/09/2022 18:30

Depends on type of farming. I'm from a farming family.
Sisters husband is dairy farmer... Its okay in the winter. Up early for milking then does school drops and back on farm but nothing after school but there is childminders who help.
Weekends she finds lonely and hard but her mil really helps as dosnt work on family farm anymore so gets helps that way.
It's a tough slog for farming families

PauliesWalnuts · 16/09/2022 18:41

Friend is married to a dairy farmer - has a multitude of sons who are now all grown up but it was tough at the beginning. She’s an accountant but has only ever done three days a week since she had kids. Her PIL live on site and helped with the kids but the thing that’s helped the most has been milking robots!

Marmunia1066 · 16/09/2022 18:41

I'm curious as to what 'care' farmers put into the animals which takes all day but then again I'm a vegan. Most animals I see seem to be left to fend for themselves.

Cantthinkofaname99 · 16/09/2022 19:29

I did just write out a long answer but I think it's a bit too outing!

I worked out a while ago that wfh doesn't work there is too much going on on a farm!

I only work 3 days a week and could easily spend another day if not 2 doing farm paperwork, I'll do the Vat and sheep records but I draw a line at anything else. Any other 'spare' days are usually spent cleaning, wish I could have a cleaner!!

How old are your kids? DS1 has just started school and I think it does help when they are that bit older and you can get them helping a bit/ they need less of your attention. It sounds a bit like you might be at the worse part at the moment and when the kids are a bit older it might get easier.

Also a lot of farming families I know have grandparents nearby who help out so that's how they cope.

AbsentinSpring · 16/09/2022 19:48

If your husband is the farmer why isn't he seeing to the animals at pre 6am?

And worming them etc?

Verbena87 · 16/09/2022 19:55

Friend does it and they are both full time on the farm really. She does a day a week in her other job and more of the childcare because she’s still breastfeeding their littlest one.

Perfect28 · 16/09/2022 19:59

Why is it you thinking about doing less and not him? Can't he get some help in at the farm and or consider not being a farmer?