Any farmer's wives out there? Do you have a high-pressure job?

[OverwhelmedAnonymous]

(name changed)

I want to hear from farmer’s wives only please on this for some real life ‘in the know’ perspective outside my own friendship circles.

I am married to a farmer and have recently returned from maternity leave after having second DS. And oh my goodness am I struggling.

I have a high pressure and intense job and since being back full time I’m feeling so stressed. It was stressful before but this is not really sustainable. Obviously DH isn’t around a huge amount especially during peak times of year.

this is how the day goes. up pre 6am, sort out animals, attempt to do some exercise but usually fail. Join in DH getting kids up and ready. General mad morning scramble. Drop off at nursery. Quick dog walk and to work at the office or at home. Work is super intense and for example today I had no lunch and barley even any drinks as there was an issue which I had to resolve. Work happens whilst coordinating things like lorries arriving, people in and out of the house to see DH. Maybe a shopping delivery. Do nursery pick up, supper/bath/stories/bed. Start again with animals, including ‘admin’ of sorts for them such as stock checking feed, bedding, worming, vet trips, meds etc etc. Sort laundry and nursery gear for the next day. Hopefully eat, maybe see DH. Tidy and sort any life admin. By now it’s 9.30 there abouts. Shower, lists for next day, pack for office if applicable.

I realise single parents have it tougher, although it feels like I am one for quite a large proportion of the year.

I am starting to wonder if I can maintain an intense, full time job. We need the money really, but I also feel like I’m starting to crack with the relentlessness of it all. My heart races much of the day and I feel rushed and panicked, then get really down on and off to, to the point I feel like just running away. I don’t know any other farmer’s wives who do more than a fairly low stress part time job so I have no point of reference for our situation.

please be kind if you feel you have any advice to offer x

I know nothing about farming really (have a friend who is one and his wife doesn’t work) but I would say that if you have a full
time job that is bringing in important income then you shouldn’t be doing jobs on the farm. Feeding the animals?? That’s his job or a farm hand (is there such a thing anymore?)

I don’t think you can sustain what you’re doing, you’re going to get ill.

When DH farmed my dh never expected me to do anything on the farm, just like I never expected him to do any of my job!

Could you afford a (part time) house keeper? S/he would, for example, change the beds, do other laundry, iron (if you think that's necessary) tidy up, receive deliveries, sort out house admin, possibly do some cooking/food prep, do top up shops for you.

I do realise this comes at a cost, but it's a practical suggestion if you can afford it.

You’re doing your own (demanding) job and a chunk of his job. Farming is relentless- Something has to give and not necessarily your career! 🌺

Probably not the thread for you then is it if you're just planning on making goady comments about something you clearly know nothing about.

I don't know what I can say to help, I worked PT mostly. it does sound like you are at the worse part though, I was near on break down when mine were little. it does get easier though. I also didn't have family around to help out or ease the pressure.

I know money is probably tight but is there any chance at all you could get someone in part time to manage paperwork? Also could dh sort the vets out?

Have you spoken to him about how bad it is for you at the moment?

Farmers wife's are rare breed

I grew up on a farm. Definitely a way of life and not a job with predictable hours. I think it's very hard to marry into this lifestyle if you didn't grow up in it. I haven't read the whole thread so maybe this has been suggested. Is a career break an option while your kids are young? Kids nearly need you more when they start school. Homework, ferrying them around etc. I work fulltime but am not married to a farmer and I feel burnt out by the end of the week. This isn't going to get any easier......

Au pair to help with the kids? I appreciate you don't want to give up your job but it sounds exhausting.

I think you’ll have to stop doing any farm related work as it’s relentless. The issue is the farm income generally isn’t enough to use more paid staff.
It is hard to push back on the work though when you’ve a DH is used to having a sheep herder, gate woman, fence post fetcher admin assistant etc.

Thanks for the replies, I’m going to read them all later

I help with animals in the morning as A. Some of the jobs are for the domestic animals too and 2. That’s the only time DH can see the kids generally. It classes as my ‘me time’. Which is funny in itself! I need to talk to DH properly, if I manage to bump in to him at some point we are both awake in the coming days.

I have resolved to book a spa break on my own this winter for one thing!

No! But could he pay someone to cover his shifts some days?

@ChangePlease
name change fail?

Op, what provisions did and yr DH put in place before your second? Assuming you had all these same responsibilities and limitations with your first?

"I am starting to wonder if I can maintain an intense, full time job".

With kindness OP, this all sounds a bit moany. You have chosen , planned and now have 2 children , in the circumstances in which you find yourself. If it is all too much, surely you need to look at the choices you yourself have made?

I was a farmers wife, had a professional job and 2 kids, 2 dogs,. Unfortunately the marriage ended however looking back I managed it by having a cleaner once back at work, batch cooking and a massive freezer, good quality childcare ( had nursery/ nanny / childminder at different times), good local support in my parents, rarely wfh, I didn’t do too much on the farm , making sure had time for my friends. I do remember house being chaos though, it was very hard.
good luck!

I used to date a farmer and had high pressure job as an Estate Manager but ended up marring a soldier which is much worse because he’s never here either. A very large percentage of my friends are married to farmers and are all Land Agents too, a few teachers. They all have good childcare or family around.

Not an easy situation. Farm will always take up 110% of everything.

Few options:

you relinquish dedication to the farm and just concentrate on kids and work. I know a few farmer's wives like this: no interest in the animals, have lovely nails, go out to work, see friends at weekends,
have lunches etc. downside: never see husband and not mentally on same page.

You insist work allow you some flexibility. You can only do this if you are prepared to fight and possibly lose job. No one is indispensable. They must have covered your role on maternity? Can you go part time? Someone else cover for you on one day? Downside: you never get promoted and are always that person who gets the blame because you're not there on Fridays.

You draft in more help. Other people come and look after animals/kids/clean house etc. Grandparents, nannies, paid help. Downside: you never see kids or hubby again.

You move sideways and try to earn money through the farm. Farm shop, B and B, diversify etc. downside: career in tatters.

You give up work, join the farm, have dirty nails, bound through fields with dogs and kids. Downside: no money, farm still takes up all your time, spend a lot of time running the house, no career.

You give it time. It will be super hard for first few years while kids are small. Later, when they are bigger and don't need you so much, the pressure will be less and you will be glad you kept up your job.

What a PP said?
Farm hand??

You need to stop doing his job and your job.
Don't WFH.
Employ housekeeper/cleaner/nanny/home-help.
The farm doesn't sound like it makes more money than you bring in. Therefore you are the main bread winner and need supporting, not the farm.

I was born into a farming family, but never lived on a farm myself, but obviously well aware of the lifestyle. However my family were wealthy and owned their farms which made things easier. None of the wives worked on the farm apart from the real peak periods once they had children. The farms had a number of employees.

Sorry my first sentence doesn't really make sense! What I mean is stop doing his job for him!

I have farming family….*

Like hell would I step back my career if I were you. I suspect you do/Will bring in more money apart from anything else.

I’d focus on getting some more help on the farm, you do appear to be doing too much. I know it’s a farm and all that, but that doesn’t make you the unpaid dogsbody

Also can you avoid working from home everyday? That would be insane making.

But really don’t be a non working farmers wife, a few friends mums were in this position and as they got older they had no way to get out when it got sour (business already tied up for next generation) and they were totally trapped.

*would I marry one HAHAhA NO

@Marmunia1066

Stupidest post of the week. Well done 👍

It sounds to me that a big part of the problem is that you’re trying to juggle a demanding FT job with PT work on/to support the farm and you’re doing the childcare related stuff too.

That is a lot. no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed.

I am a professional and married to a sheep farmer. When we decided to have children we looked at our finances and our own preferences and concluded that we would be financially and emotionally better off if I stayed at work and my husband dramatically reduced the size of the flock and did the bulk of the childcare. We were in a good position to do this because we didn't have a huge amount of farming infrastructure that we would no longer need and we didn't have debt on machinery etc because the machinery consists of one tractor that's older than I am. It sounds like your farm might be on a rather grander scale. Anyway, I still end up doing a load of farm admin and helping with two-man sheep jobs at the weekends but it's nowhere near as big a commitment as it would have been. If you're the breadwinner and/or committed to your career is there any way you can downscale the farming business and still meet your obligations/not have a sad husband?

My DH is a farmer and I'm a teacher. I went part time when our DC were young but am back full time now they are teens. Both of us work long hours, for me just in term time, but when I am on school holidays the children have me around most of the time, which is great.

The lack of being able to share childcare, school runs, cooking, cleaning, shopping etc was the reason for being part time. Not that DH can't do those things but he is not here to! I get your frustration. Weekends aren't much different from weekdays, it's a lifestyle, not a job.

I do not do any manual work on our farm, accounts and some digital record keeping only. We have a cleaner and someone to mow the lawns. We do have pets but we're really lucky that both sets of parents enjoy looking after the dog and she has a good walk with them when I'm working.

What you've described doesn't sound sustainable. You'll burn out. I'd stop the animal work morning and night and pay someone else to do it. If DH wants to see the kids he can come and get them and bring them back, or perhaps he can employ someone so he can carve some family time into his week.

I used to feel so envious of friends who took it turns to have a lie in at weekends when their DC were little. There was no chance of that here! Thankfully, now ours are teenagers I'm making up for it.

I did consider giving up my job and being on the farm full time but I'd get bored and I like working in a busy school. I'm no Mary Berry either, being a traditional farmer's wife is not for me. I have friends who have left their careers though, and created some kind of diversification e.g. holiday barn, farm shop, fishing lakes.

Good luck, I hope you can find a better balance soon.