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Original poster

DD issue at new school advice

38 replies

LuckyAmy1986 · 16/09/2022 05:28

DD started a new school 6 months ago after friendship breakdowns and social exclusion from friends and their mums which massively dented her self confidence (another story)

she settled in well at the new school and has made friends. She gets along with all the girls and says they are all kind to her except one who before the summer hols did things like shoved her with a Passive aggressive 'oops, didn't see you there' and using things and saying 'this isn't *'s bag is it? I don't want to touch anything that belongs to her', asking her friends who they preferred, stuff like that.

anyway, we mentioned this to the TA, she knew who we were talking about even before we said the name when we said there was one girl who seemed to have taken a disliking to her. She told us this is not an excuse but there had been a big family trauma (don't want to say out of respect for the family) and that hopefully things would calm down after the holidays. She was sitting next to someone else until yesterday when she has been moved in between this girl and another. Gets on fine with the other one, but yesterday this girl kept taking DD's stuff, eg her pencil, pen, ruler. Then when my dd asked for her things back she just stared at her. I said to DD why didn't you just take it back, and she said she tried but the other girl had a really strong grip! She also heard the girl telling the person next to her that she hates her.

I said to DD yesterday that she should just tell the teacher if she wont give her stuff back (i really don't want this affecting her school work) but she said she didn't want to be known as a tell tale. DH told her to, if the girl has taken her pencil etc, then to take hers instead. But I don't think DD would feel comfortable doing this as she's not very confrontational and would think it unkind (which it is)

I don't want to make this into a big deal. But what I don't want is her having to deal with this everyday and for her confidence to start falling again. What advice would you give if it was your DD? and would you mention it to the teacher (bearing in mind it was the TA we spoke to before, so I'm assuming she didn't know about the issues before hols when she seated them next to each other, at what point? is this a nip in the bud thing, or see how it plays out thing?

any advice greatly appreciated

OP posts:
GlassDeli · 16/09/2022 05:38

Make sure you write her name in permanent marker on all her things. Yes, tell the teacher, so they can keep an eye out. Reassure your DD that it is good to speak out if someone is unkind to you.

confusednewbie · 16/09/2022 05:41

How old is dd?

Clymene · 16/09/2022 05:42

Tell the school. She shouldn't be sat next to this girl any more. It's not just taking her stuff, it's impacting her learning because she'll be worried about it happening again.

Original poster
LuckyAmy1986 · 16/09/2022 05:46

sorry, she's in year 4 i should have mentioned. My gut is to say something but then I don't want to making a big deal out of 'nothing'! I also want her to solve her own issues in a way, as like DH says she will need to get used to difficult people. It hurts me so much when things like this happen though. Although I don't show that to her, I am very careful not to over dramatize these things. But it's why I am up and have been for a couple of hours!!!

I was thinking about saying to her this morning when I'm doing her hair, something like (as @GlassDeli said) I hope you have a great day. remember, it's perfectly fine to speak up if someone is being unkind to you ok? and try to come across as 'breezy' friends style, then seeing how her day goes today?

thank you all by the way

OP posts:
Original poster
LuckyAmy1986 · 16/09/2022 05:48

she went through hell for about in year in her previous school btw so that's why I want to handle this well, and that's why I can't bloody sleep!

OP posts:
carefullycourageous · 16/09/2022 06:00

I would speak to the class teacher at drop off today and say you would like the seating plan changed as your DD is being affected by bullying in the classroom.

Tell the teacher also that there is general bullying behaviour that you would like addressed.

Follow it up in writing and again use the word bullying. Bullet points are best, no emotion, just what you have been told. Say it is affecting your DD and you would like school to look into it and report back to you.

Hopefully the school will respond properly. If not, escalate.

Octopuscrazy · 16/09/2022 06:03

Oh your poor DD!

If she's in yr4 that changes things. I thought from your op she was in high school!

That's really mean of this other girl and kids can be cruel. I would say nip this in the bud and speak to the teacher asap before others start jumping on the bandwagon. She is still very young and needs to be safe and confident before she can learn resilience.

WorriedMillie · 16/09/2022 06:11

Yup, it’s bullying and needs to be referred to as such. Raise it with the teacher, irrespective of what the other child is going through, it needs addressing. Our DD had an issue in Y3 with a Y4 girl in her class. Y4 girl had stuff going on too, but the teachers intervened and addressed the behaviour towards DD and it was resolved.

I get that we can’t protect our kids against everything in life, but she’s 8 and needs to feel safe in school!

Original poster
LuckyAmy1986 · 16/09/2022 06:14

bloody hell, lack of sleep. she started in year 4 before the hols, she is now year 5!! (not that that makes much of a difference!)

haha @Octopuscrazy reading it back it definitely sounds like she's in her teens at secondary!

OP posts:
Climbingthelaundrymountain · 16/09/2022 06:15

Year 4?! I thought you were going to say year 8! Definitely speak to the teacher. My youngest is year 4 and I would be devastated if someone was treating him like this, and if he was the one doing it too. The child's parents might not know, even if there has been trauma you have to deal with the behaviour in an appropriate way.

Original poster
LuckyAmy1986 · 16/09/2022 06:16

@carefullycourageous @WorriedMillie

thank you both. I think sometimes we don't want to make a big fuss, but my gut was to say something. You are right in that she needs to feel safe.

OP posts:
carefullycourageous · 16/09/2022 06:53

IMO you are not making a big fuss, you are asking for what your DD deserves - a safe learning environment.

The days of bullying being an accepted part of life are gone.

Mouthfulofquiz · 16/09/2022 06:59

Demand for your child to be moved. Trauma or not, this child is bullying and clearly it needs to be addressed.

Donttakeafence · 16/09/2022 07:00

yes definitely raise it with school. The DfE safeguarding Bible (Keeping Children Safe in Education) also has a focus on child-on-child abuse, which this is following the broadening of the definition of abuse to include emotional abuse rather than just physical. Your child has a right to access her education and be kept safe. This is what you request of the school.

That said, in my experience, you might be in for a battle as schools sometimes minimise this kind of scenario as they can’t be bothered to tackle head on.

you say that this child has some trauma going on out of school, but what about your DD? What (if anything) is making her a target for bullies? Learning how to address that in terms of resilience would likely help her too.

ChateauMargaux · 16/09/2022 07:12

She is in school, being told where to sit and how to behave, the other child is taking advantage of the situation, knowing that the expectations around behaviour are that if your daughter makes a fuss in class, there is a likelihood that the teacher will be cross with them both and that this other girl has the power to make things uncomfortable for her in the playground / class dynamics where your daughter is already at a disadvantage due to being a recent arrival.

Your daughter does not have control over how to reacts to this situation so as her parent, the onus is on you to support her. Perhaps the teacher is unaware of the situation last year - that is putting it kindly and assuming the best intentions. It is unfair of the teacher to make her sit next to the person who has bullied her.

Children do not learn resilience by being put in difficult situations and having to sort them out themselves, they learn resilience in being supported to feel secure and confident and in knowing that their concerns will be listened to and acted upon.

GiantTortoise · 16/09/2022 07:17

I would talk to the teacher and ask for her to be moved.

Elisheva · 16/09/2022 07:18

I would either email the school or go in this morning. Why make your dd suffer for another day? The other girl’s behaviour is not going to have changed overnight.

Skolo · 16/09/2022 07:25

Definitely speak to the teacher. At that age they come tell you if someone hasn’t eaten their peas, so she is pretty far down the scale when it comes to telling tales. This is the kind of thing teachers want to be told about.

EVHead · 16/09/2022 07:26

The other girl needs support because of whatever happened in her family. But so does your DD, because of what happened in her previous school and what is happening now.

I can’t imagine what the teacher was thinking by sitting them next to each other, knowing their backgrounds. Speak to the teacher today.

sjxoxo · 16/09/2022 07:33

Agree it’s bullying nasty behaviour and the teacher should intervene and not allow this child to continue behaving in this manner. I would submit in writing and nip it in the bud. Obviously for your DDs sake but also all the other kids in the class! X

Alucadekena · 16/09/2022 07:40

Definitely tell the teacher this morning. I volunteer in a primary school. I can understand your DD's reluctance to tell the teacher usually because they fear interrupting a lesson. I would also tell the teacher that there were issues last year too so this is an ongoing situation that needs to stop.

I would also follow it up in writing, so email the school to say just to confirm I spoke with X this morning re Y situation. This is an ongoing issue from last year which was helped by TA monitoring the situation within class. You want a paper trail so that if this continues you can follow up with another talk and email and refer to the one you send today.

Your school's bullying policy should be on their website in their policy section and will lay out what should happen. You can then see if they are following their own policy and if not ask why not. Don't think that this sort of thing is trivial because it isn't and schools know it isn't. Children fearing coming to school because what may happen is not acceptable. They have the right to feel safe both physically but also emotionally too. Give your DD a big hug.

Shinyandnew1 · 16/09/2022 07:41

Have a chat with the teacher and say how unhappy she is. There is no need to ‘demand’ or ‘escalate’ at this stage.

I would also look at some discussion with your DD at home-she has moved schools because of peer issues and this is still a problem. I’d try to get to the bottom of how this is happening and when/where. Try role playing some of the scenarios with her and discussing what she could do at which point (try saying ‘X’ then, or if this happens, go and tell the teacher) to give her the confidence about how to handle some situations-it can be easier if you’ve practised it first. It might be that moving tables diffuses the whole thing.

Kellie45 · 16/09/2022 07:45

Definitely a case where you should mention it to the teacher as your DD is obviously been caught some distress by the other girl. I think we have all like this in situations. If the school is any good it should be just dealt with quietly

Marcipex · 16/09/2022 07:46

Def report and definitely insist she isn’t sitting with this girl.

The other girl suffering trauma is not an excuse. Where does that end? It won’t help her to be allowed to bully others as she’ll end up with no friends herself.

Anyway your child is your priority.

Changedmynamefor · 16/09/2022 07:54

Just to back up what other people are saying, having been in a similar situation, this would be my plan

  • speak to teacher today
  • follow up in writing setting out what has happened so far, any agreement on action from your chat today and request a review in a week or two.
  • Roleplay scenarios with your DD about ways to handle tricky situation - let her practise how the words sound and feel comfortable saying them.

My overriding recommendation on your contact with the school would be to keep it very factual and remove any emotion from it. I tried to treat it like a work interaction. Take a collaborative approach - how can we work together to keep DD safe? Give them NO reason to dismiss you as emotional or unreasonable.

Best of luck.