DD issue at new school advice

[LuckyAmy1986]

DD started a new school 6 months ago after friendship breakdowns and social exclusion from friends and their mums which massively dented her self confidence (another story)

she settled in well at the new school and has made friends. She gets along with all the girls and says they are all kind to her except one who before the summer hols did things like shoved her with a Passive aggressive 'oops, didn't see you there' and using things and saying 'this isn't *'s bag is it? I don't want to touch anything that belongs to her', asking her friends who they preferred, stuff like that.

anyway, we mentioned this to the TA, she knew who we were talking about even before we said the name when we said there was one girl who seemed to have taken a disliking to her. She told us this is not an excuse but there had been a big family trauma (don't want to say out of respect for the family) and that hopefully things would calm down after the holidays. She was sitting next to someone else until yesterday when she has been moved in between this girl and another. Gets on fine with the other one, but yesterday this girl kept taking DD's stuff, eg her pencil, pen, ruler. Then when my dd asked for her things back she just stared at her. I said to DD why didn't you just take it back, and she said she tried but the other girl had a really strong grip! She also heard the girl telling the person next to her that she hates her.

I said to DD yesterday that she should just tell the teacher if she wont give her stuff back (i really don't want this affecting her school work) but she said she didn't want to be known as a tell tale. DH told her to, if the girl has taken her pencil etc, then to take hers instead. But I don't think DD would feel comfortable doing this as she's not very confrontational and would think it unkind (which it is)

I don't want to make this into a big deal. But what I don't want is her having to deal with this everyday and for her confidence to start falling again. What advice would you give if it was your DD? and would you mention it to the teacher (bearing in mind it was the TA we spoke to before, so I'm assuming she didn't know about the issues before hols when she seated them next to each other, at what point? is this a nip in the bud thing, or see how it plays out thing?

any advice greatly appreciated

Absolutely say something. My DD in year 4 was bullied. Punched in the stomach, whipped with skipping ropes. She would come home with bruises and was terrified of this child. I had to keep a little record because the school initially tried saying it wasn’t happening. I tried to approach the mum, she basically to me her child had autism and adhd and couldn’t help it and that maybe my DD should ‘deal’ with it. After a few weeks it started taking on a sexual nature as well and it felt like no one would help. I spoke again with the school and explained that whilst I understood social situation might be challenging it wasn’t right DD was scared, they had a chat with the child and the next day it happened again. In the end I told my DD if this child hurt her intentionally she had permission to hit them to protect herself but only in self defence. She did it once and has never had a problem since. Upon reflection I wish I had been more forceful, so I would definitely be going in to nip it in the bud.

I agree with the collaborative approach. It seems a strange choice to put two children in difficulty / traumatised next to one another. I would have thought the girl would be better off sitting with existing friends and your dd with a child, who is easy to get along with. Maybe you could ask the teacher to reevaluate the decision to sit them together as they don’t appear to be in a position to help one another and your dd definitely doesn’t need this as the first experience of school.

Why is she next to this girl?

would insist she’s moved at the very least.

Ask for her to be moved back to where she was.
Just speak to the teacher on her behalf - list everything, also that she had to move schools. Surely a teacher with an ounce of common sense sympathy would try to ward off a major bullying issue.

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond.

So, DH and I waited today and it was the TA who came out (the one I spoke to before the summer hols) we explained the situation and she said that it was the anniversary of the traumatic event for this girl and she was having a hard time (again she said, not an excuse I know, and she was super friendly and understanding, so I don't think she was being dismissive) I was sympathetic but also, I think, quite firm in that while I did appreciate that, it's not fair on DD. So, she said she will have a word with the girl today, and I said yes if you could keep an eye on it and let me know. She said she definitely would and not to worry. She did seem to take the things that have happened seriously, she didn't act as though they were silly.

She also said it wasn't personal against DD, that she hates everyone at the moment, it's definitely not personal. So....I am not going to do anything else YET.

BUT if it keeps happening, or DD's work is distracted, then yes, I will be asking for her to be moved. She doesn't interact with this girl at lunch or play as she has made a lovely little group of friends, so it's just the classroom.

Re the previous school, she wasn't bullied there. But the story is waaaaay too long to go into, and probably very boring! It was a very small school as well so not much opportunity to branch out and make other friend, this school is much bigger and apart from this seems to be doing great.

wow, im going on - thanks if anyone is still reading 😬

One thing I am kicking myself for not making a point of is the moving schools point. I mean, she knows. But maybe I should have hammered that home a little more!

Can you follow this up with an email to the class teacher and reiterate that your dd needs a positive start to her new school?

Agree with others. Definitely nip this in the bud before it escalates. Speak to the class teacher asap and explain what happened yesterday and at the end of the previous term. Tell her you have already spoken to the TA but things are not getting better. Keep a record of each incident. I wouldn't mention to dd yet that you're planning on raising the issue with the teacher as she'll probably ask you not to and that puts you in a tricky situation. Hopefully, the teacher will start to keep a close eye on things between the other girl and your poor dd.
Please though, tell your dh not to say things such as take the other girls pencil, rubber etc if she takes dd! This will only get dd in trouble with the teacher!!

DH and I have very different parenting techniques/ideas! That's why I wanted to gain advice because I just feel like sometimes you don't what the best thing to do is when you are both coming from different angles. I am very happy that I said something though. DH wanted to give it another week or so. I agree, I don't think that would have been a smart move!

Yes I might do this, especially as it was the TA I spoke to, who is lovely, but obviously the teacher needs to be aware too and this isn't something I haven't spoken directly to her about at all yet.

Please follow up todays chat with an email. It doesn’t have to be detailed but you need to start a paper trail recording convo was had - it can be as simple as ‘thanks for the brief chat today. We spoke about DD and the continuing issues with (name)in class. As you are aware, she is v anxious following the similar issue at her previous school. You have said that you will take action by continuing to monitor the situation. Perhaps we could have another chat in a week or so to see how things are going. Thanks again for taking the time today, it is much appreciated.”

No the teacher shouldn't apologize.

as she thinks she has to be kind & isn't one to make a fuss

This is a brilliant chance to teach her that she can prioritise her own needs and how important it is to communicate your needs.

@DragonWasp do you have the wrong thread?!