DD never worn full uniform school worried

[SchoolUniformHater]

DD is 8, Year 4.

For years 3 and above school expect a full shirt and ties. Years 5 and 6 also wear blazers. This is the same at all of the schools within a 3-mile circle of my house. It’s a practice for high school and while Year 5 can take theirs off whenever they want to, Year 6 have to ask and blazers with the logo must be worn on school trips. In younger years they have to have a jumper or cardigan with the logo on for school trips - day to day they can wear any navy or grey jumper or cardigan or blazer.

DD currently refuses to wear the jumper or cardigan and the tie. Flat out refuses. It’s got to the point where she’ll sit in class freezing cold and still insist she’s fine and won’t wear it.

School are starting to get worried about her in Years 5 and 6 where the uniform requirements are stricter and much more enforced. As am I.

She’s behaved at school, she’s just stubborn but I do get the feeling she doesn’t particularly enjoy school – this is her 2nd primary school as I moved her due to her not settling in Year 1 but she likes this one only slightly more than the last, she loves the holidays and always sighs when she learns it’s back to school/Sunday night. She’s always hated having clothing options enforced on her, since she could choose her own she has. She hates trousers, always wants skirts which is another big concern for school as the two nearest high schools are trousers only.

She’s the same with the tie. Refuses to wear it. Until Easter of Year 3 she wore a polo shirt as she flat out refused a button-down shirt.

I’ve tried everything, bribery, consequences from me and school, getting her cousin whose in the other Year 4 class to show her how to do the tie etc. but she just shrugs and says she doesn’t want to wear them and doesn’t care if she’s kept in at playtime or stopped from going on trips.

I am terrified she’ll be a nightmare at high school because of it and I want to nip it in the bud but have no idea how!

She’s much better if it’s her idea but trying to make her think it’s her idea is hard. If I say “You can wear this until half term then we need to try this” she’ll argue with me until half term that she didn’t agree to this and she’s not doing it.

I have in the past pinned her down and forced her to wear it only for her to pull off her jumper/cardigan and tie as soon as she’s out of sight – Year 4s and above go into school by themselves we don’t go onto school grounds. She's also getting too big, I'm on my own so not like I can pin her down and put her jumper/cardigan and tie on at the same time.

I’ve also bigged it up, told her she’s a big girl now and how smart she looks. I think a school uniform looks adorable as well as smart on small DC so I absolutely love them so no hint from me.

On trips she wears a hivis vest if she goes which she finds hilarious, and if she's told she can't go she just shrugs and doesn't care about being put in a younger or older year.

So ideas? School will try anything. I am of course going to speak to potential high schools and prewarn them, and I’m also desperately hoping I come into some money so she can go to the local private school which doesn’t have blazers until Year 9 which would give us some leeway.

Does she have sensory issues with regards to clothes or textures in general?

My children are in year 5 and year 3 and I find the idea of them having to wear a blazer and tie at these ages absolutely ridiculous. Have we gone back to the victorian age? I am pro uniform when it serves a purpose and strict on enforcing my kids to wear theirs. A tie on a 7YO serves no purpose.

That being said, does your DD have any other sensory issues? She sounds very similar to my 9YO who is autistic.

@Comefromaway she's very picky with clothes so maybe? She won't wear trousers, unless it's leggings used as tights with a dress, she loves skirts and dresses.

I think you need to get her assessed. I suspect sensory issues too.

uniform has no point in primary, other than reducing washing loads.

At primary school my daughter wore the school jumper approximately 3 times in 6 years. She didn't like the texture. She used to eat her tie (ok chew...). She hated the blazer and thank goodness by Year 5 or so they were more relaxed about it (previous it was all "you MUST wear this or else).
It was all sensory. Basically she couldn't deal with those items of clothing.
Talk to the school about it. If it really is something like Sensory Processing Disorder then they need to be flexible.

School are starting to get worried about her in Years 5 and 6 where the uniform requirements are stricter and much more enforced. As am I.

How do they enforce it?

without amy diagnosed special needs, I would let the school deal with it. I would provide the uniform and encourage her to wear it (or build up to wearing it) and point out the consequences school will give her for not wearing it and let them get on with it. Not to the point of her being distressed, obviously! If there is a workable alternative I would go with that.

I would purchase the uniform and let the schools deal with the consequences. You’ve told her what these are and she chooses to ignore your advice.

Stop battling her at home. Let the school deal with their own rules.

I do agree about considering some kind of assessment though as it seems extreme.

Has she explained what she doesn't like about it?

Ok, I would step back and focus on sensory issues. If she has sensory issues then school does ultimately need to allow for this, although it’s not as easy as simply approaching school and saying ‘she has sensory issues’. Have you thought about getting the sensory issues looked into?

My DD has sensory issues (yr4) and she goes to a private school where blazers are compulsory. She doesn’t wear a blazer, she wears a plain coat from a high street shop instead, with school’s agreement.

I would let her just be comfortable for now while you get it looked into in the background, with a view to getting school to make reasonable accommodations for what she needs on this.

It’s clear she’s a wonderful girl, wants to learn, it’s just this issue and bless her it shouldn’t matter, she should be allowed by school to just be comfy! She’s clearly not just being fussy, she sounds like she finds certain materials just unbearable.

@SoupDragon She just says she doesn't like it

@Threelittlelambs and @SoupDragon They keep them in at playtimes and stop them going on trips which DD isn't bothered by. Like I said I get the feeling she doesn't particularly like school.

I'm not surprised she doesn't like school if they make her wear clothes she doesn't like and punish her for being comfortable.

Are there really NO state schools locally where she can just wear a polo shirt, sweatshirt and skirt? Literally every school uniform in my area is like this (even the private primary school!)

Have you tried to pin down what she doesn't like about it - in a positive way saying you need to find uniform she does like?

she can't be the first at the school who doesn't like wearing uniform. Even without special needs or sensory issues some of the techniques they use for those pupils cold work.

It’s a stupid uniform requirement and stupid unnecessary rules, I’d support your daughter to flout it and speak up for herself. Enforcing this adds literally nothing to their education, it’s just about breaking their will and imposing conformity. I’d ask the school what benefits to the children's learning come from wearing this uniform? Women rarely wear blazers and almost never ties in the workplace so they can’t even argue it’s prep for work.

Would she tolerate an elastic or clip on tie better?

I also wondered about sensory issues and if she does have some ,school should be making reasonable adjustments.

STUPID

they don't need to spend two years being miserable, to get in 'practice' for STUPID uniform rules at Senior School.

id just tell them that she has sensory issues, which they're welcome to get her tested for should they wish. Then let her crack on with wearing what I think is appropriate & she doesn't find too distressing.

I agree with posters saying some sort of assessment is needed. Without a diagnosis of some sort, I really can’t see secondary schools accepting this at all. Even with one, mainstream secondaries seem to be obsessed with uniform. My daughters school puts anyone not in 100% correct uniform in isolation. I’ve never known of any child there not wearing the uniform.

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination She will currently wear the button down shirt, a skirt and then either tights or socks, in summer she happily wears the summer dress. I might be able to persuade her into the tie eventually.

I have no problem with the hisvis on trips either, it's so they can see her easily they have the school logo on the front and back so works the same way as the logoed jumpers/cardigans/blazers do.

Thanks everyone some things to think about.

@PenTantrum I think this is schools worry that while they can be relaxed about it and aren't worrying she's only got 3 school years until high school where they're much stricter even with those with issues. I've never seen anyone from either of the local two high schools not in full uniform. Even the 6th formers wear a sort of uniform here (Smart Trousers/Skirt with a jacket and shirt/blouse).

Definitely sounds like sensory processing disorder or possibly autism / sensory needs. If this is found to be the case you can apply for an ehcp (although you can actually do this without any diagnosis) and have it written into the ehcp that she doesn’t have to wear uniform due to sensory needs. My ds aged 10 has exactly this. He does attend a specialist school but it specifically says in his ehcp he cannot wear uniform.

It’s a stupid uniform requirement and stupid unnecessary rules, I’d support your daughter to flout it and speak up for herself. Enforcing this adds literally nothing to their education, it’s just about breaking their will and imposing conformity

I have sympathy for the OP who has clearly tried their best with the uniform. But I don't agree with encouraging your kids to break rules unnecessarily. There's lots of school rules I don't particularly agree with but I expect my kids to conform with. As there's multiple rules in my job that I'm expected to conform with.

I don't see conformity as a bad thing, particularly when schools are trying to create an environment for learning. I have sympathy for the OP's child but some of the posts make me wonder if the child-centric approach of parents creates issues for teachers in terms of respectful behaviour and discipline in the classroom.

My parents expected me to get on with school without creating a fuss and resilience is a good quality for life after school. Obviously it's a different situation for kids with diagnosed issues who need a more flexible environment.

I am astonished that so many of your schools have ties and blazers in primary school.

There is a real danger here that the issue is becoming so built up that you will never get past it.
Normally by high school most kids get that they need to wear it, but she has been digging her heels in already and so you are actually building up trouble for the future.

I would go in to the school.
Give them the jumper tie and blazer, and say here are her items and you have tried everything and she won;t wear them. None of the sanctions (not going on trips etc) work, and you feel that either

1. the school needs to take responsibilty to enforce it as you will no longer have this battle at home, it is detrimental to your relationship with your dd and destroying family life
2. school could accept that this uniform is frankly ridiculous for primary and allow flexibility. She isn't asking to wear something extreme, just no tie and blazer which are uncomfortable.

you said she won't wear the jumper - is that just the school logo one? Will she wera the plain one on other days? What does she wear outside of school? My dd hates long sleeves, so only wears things where she can push the sleeves up to her elbow.

@steppemum She won't wear a jumper or cardigan at all logo or not, she's the same at home, we can just about persuade her into a zip up hoodie for Brownies. Actually a zip up hoodie is part of the PE uniform so I'll see if they'll let her wear the zip up hoodie as a compromise, if they let her then I can always buy the logoed one for trips.

I think the school should stop worrying about high school and deal with the present.

8 year olds are very different people to 11 year olds.
Primary school are very different places to secondary schools.

Let high school worry about it when the time comes and back off and relax on the issue now so that she can work through it herself, instead of getting pushed into a corner.