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Original poster

Would it turn you off if a man was a virgin in his 30s

38 replies

Brian31 · 11/09/2022 16:15

So i've just turned 31 and have never had a girlfriend before, I've also never had sex or even kissed a woman before but I just feel so far behind. I dont really have many friends but all of them are in relationships, getting married, having kids etc and same goes for all my work collegues.

Im more quiet and introverted, Possibly on the autism spectrum but even around women that i like im a bit shy. I have tried approaching women at pubs but never works out or most of the time they have boyfriends, I've tried the dating apps but zero luck.

Im not ugly or anything, I take very good care of my appearance, tall, I have a good paying job and have nearly brought my own house but I never knew how to talk to women.

I also really want my own kids and its always been a dream of mine to experience fatherhood. I did remember writing about this on reddit but it was mostly men telling me to get a prostitute or to go over to asia and use my money/citizenship to get a foriegn bride (I dont want to support trafficking)

I suppose that I could look for a FWB to get that out of my system but I dont really have the social skills to get one, you also have to remember that there are alot more men looking for Casual sex than women.

OP posts:
OrangePumpkinLobelia · 11/09/2022 16:21

Heavens no.

Finding someone you wish to share an intimate experience with is a special thing. Some people do not make that connection easily, and that is honestly okay.

I think most people who have any sort of emotional maturity do not think about notches on the bedpost that they or others may have, but think about a connection.

Middledazedted · 11/09/2022 16:23

Personally I find morals quite attractive and we weee all virgins once. Have you tried dating apps that are a bit pricier / allow you to try and find a partner not a shag? There is someone out there who is just right for you and who will appreciate you.

gogohmm · 11/09/2022 16:27

It would put me off to be honest, but it's not the sex part, it's the not being in a committed relationship at 31. I would suggest you are not entirely honest eg imply you haven't found the "one" rather than absolute inexperience. You may have more luck on a paid for dating website rather than the free to use apps

Furrbabymama887 · 11/09/2022 16:28

If I'm honest, yes. I couldn't be bothered with being the one to do all the work if you didn't have the social skills to make things progress. I would assume there was something amiss. There could be a whole range of reasons why someone could be a virgin in their 30s. If there had been some form of trauma or something I've that, then I can understand why things may be delayed in that respect. But if it was just because you can't talk to women, it would put me off.

strawberrysea · 11/09/2022 16:31

It wouldn't put me off, no.

Are you interested in a relationship or are you just looking to have sex? Because my advice would vary greatly depending on your answer.

knackeredagain · 11/09/2022 16:33

It would me, because I was in committed relationships from my late teens and had children in my 20s, but I’m pretty sure there are other equally inexperienced women who would be happy to find you.
I think this is more common than you think. Dating apps are the way forward, but unfortunately it’s a numbers game and you have to be willing to chat to loads of people and go on some unsuccessful dates until you find one that clicks. Be really clear on your profile about who you are and what you look for in a partner.

Orangio · 11/09/2022 16:36

Can you talk to women as friends? If so, just get to know lots of women as friends and eventually there will hopefully be one of them you hit it off with, and you won't have trouble talking to your friend will you. I'm assuming that as you say you have friends that you are comfy talking to people you don't view romantically.

It wouldn't put me off that you haven't had sex, because you have a normal reason for it (shyness). It wouldn't put me off that you struggled talking to women you fancy, in general, so long as you were comfy talking to me. A little awkwardness on the first couple of dates is fine, but conversation should be easing up after that.

Orangio · 11/09/2022 16:39

Ps sex is a skill like any other, which you improve at as you practise. It's not rocket science! Do a bit of reading first! Then once you know the vague basics the key thing is to really care about the other person's pleasure, and ask them what they like. Someone who does that will just get better and better. The rubbish ones are the ones who only care about themselves. I'd rather sleep with a generous virgin than a selfish experienced person.

Original poster
Brian31 · 11/09/2022 16:42

@strawberrysea Im open to both although id much prefer a relationship, I do get sexually fustraited dont get me wrong but im more bothered at the fact that I might never get to experience fatherhood and have my own family.

It would be nice to find a woman who does find me sexually attractive and where we could have sex but it doesnt bother me too much being a virgin. I just dont want to be in this same situation in my 40s where im still childless and have never had a relationship

OP posts:
ToffeeNotCoffee · 11/09/2022 16:46

I was my husband's 'first' so to speak. He didn't tell me until the morning after if you get my meaning.

He's amazing in bed, very intuitive. The fact that I was his first, at the age of 29, didn't mean anything to me. In fact, I married him. (I wasn't his first girlfriend but I was his first lover. He tells me his experience of women prior to me was all one sided. I think he got taken advantage of and was too much of a gentleman to expect to get his needs met.)

Previous lovers/boyfriends I've had could be selfish in and out of bed.

So....the first to break your duck could end up being your wife !

strawberrysea · 11/09/2022 16:48

I'm only one woman and don't speak for all of us but the main turn offs for me in men are those who talk down about my opinions, watch porn as a sport and are lazy around the house. The most attractive things to me are good listening skills, empathy and a willingness to admit mistakes.

When you say you've approached women in the past, what do you say to them?

Do you have any hobbies that could involve joining a club? You are much more likely to meet someone organically this way. Then you don't have to walk into the situation with the pressure of 'right, this is my chance to find somebody'.

OrangePumpkinLobelia · 11/09/2022 16:50

I thought I would never meet someone and thought I would never ever have children. I rushed into sexual experiences at about your age because I was scared of being odd and wierd and out of step, but then met DH when I was about 34 and we had our first son when I was 38.

You have time. Take your time for the right person. I made all my mistakes much older than most and they were still terribly hurty mistakes. Don't worry too much about schedules or agendas or what you think other peopke are doing. Just do what is right for you.

Iknowforsure1 · 11/09/2022 17:11

Yes it would. Not specifically the sex/virgin part, but the fact that you had no relationships of any kid until this age. Sorry to be honest. Is there something you do that pushes women women off? Or are you searching for something no one can provide you with (standards too high)? I’m pretty sure though that it’s not too late for you to find someone. You’ve got plenty of time. There are plenty lonely women out there too.

Farmageddon · 11/09/2022 17:19

To be fair, as a man you can father a child much later than women so you don't quite have the 'clock is ticking' mentality of women in their 30s.

I wouldn't really be put off by knowing you were a virgin, I would just worry that most or all of your ideas about sex would have come from porn, and therefore are completely unrealistic.

If you are solvent, decent looking, have good hygiene and your own teeth you should be able to find someone, start joining clubs and put yourself out there.

startfresh · 11/09/2022 17:57

ToffeeNotCoffee · 11/09/2022 16:46

I was my husband's 'first' so to speak. He didn't tell me until the morning after if you get my meaning.

He's amazing in bed, very intuitive. The fact that I was his first, at the age of 29, didn't mean anything to me. In fact, I married him. (I wasn't his first girlfriend but I was his first lover. He tells me his experience of women prior to me was all one sided. I think he got taken advantage of and was too much of a gentleman to expect to get his needs met.)

Previous lovers/boyfriends I've had could be selfish in and out of bed.

So....the first to break your duck could end up being your wife !

Same for me. 20s, husband didn't tell me for a while that I was his first. Ended up marrying the guy, so didn't put me off. I think it was actually one of his selling points!

Softplayhooray · 11/09/2022 19:10

OP throw yourself at everything - get back on the dating apps (even for really experienced, confident types it can take an age to find a decent match), join clubs, start a new hobby and just keep going!! If I fall for someone I fall for them, if the mad chemistry is there, then it's there. But you have to look and keep looking! There's so many weirdos, misogynists, and God knows what out there, I really wouldn't rate being a virgin at your age as the most difficult issue out there.

I'd also assume that after getting to, say, early 20s without losing your virginity probably makes it progressively harder to then date confidently and then the issue just snowballed to affect dating and relationships and your sex life. It just takes one good experience and relationship to end that cycle so stay positive!

Cotswoldmama · 11/09/2022 19:18

It wouldn't bother me. Have you got any friends who could set you up? Sometimes having friends in common can be an ice breaker and they know you well enough to set you up with someone who would be a good match.

Bookridden · 11/09/2022 19:33

I think you sound like a nice man. I also think there are a lot of lonely women out there who themselves lack experience. I don't have any specific advice to offer other than: work on your confidence. Get busy doing stuff that involves others. Get confident talking to women as genuine friends, and don't panic. Lots of time for you to meet someone.

StopStartStop · 11/09/2022 19:36

Try looking at women in ICT. The straight ones are probably in similar positions to yourself. The world is full of women who would love to meet you.

Dadaya · 11/09/2022 19:42

Wouldn’t bother me. On the plus side you definitely have no kids and no STDs. Some women will find it off putting but don’t let them get you down, many will be fine with it.

ShahRukhKhan · 11/09/2022 20:20

No it wouldnt. I have had an experience with a guy who was a virgin and he was very good, surprisingly so, and was keen to learn.

RaRaRaspoutine · 11/09/2022 20:41

It wouldn’t put me off. I would see it as special to be able to share that experience with him. People rush into having sex and there’s nothing wrong with never having had it. You don’t have to worry about being “good” right off the bat.

Potato28 · 11/09/2022 20:46

Do you watcha lot of porn?

Mamoun · 11/09/2022 20:47

Wouldn't put me off at all.
Throw yourself out there, volunteer at weekends, join clubs... you'll practice your social skills and meet people.

surreygirl1987 · 11/09/2022 21:03

Aw I think you sound lovely. If I wasn't already married, I'd be thinking I'd like to meet you! Loads of women would love to meet and date somebody like you. Don't bother with the bar/club scene. Online dating, hobbies, or friends of friends is more likely to work for you (the latter was the trick for me - I'm very socially awkward but mutual friends makes everything seem less awkward somehow!). Good luck!