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Original poster

My parents were odd and I worry they’ve made me odd

70 replies

Cheping · 11/09/2022 07:55

Superficially I seem like a lovely person ( I know, get me Blush) but it is on a superficial level.

I struggle with friendships and always have. My parents were so bloody WEIRD about my friends - obsessed with me arguing with them, blaming me if I did, saying it was ‘too soon’ to go on sleepovers (Hmm) micromanaging my friendships …

Now I struggle. I don’t deal well with some aspects of friendship and I tend to avoid when this happens. Also thanks to my parents I don’t have a ‘group’ from school which would be good. Not sure why I’m posting - just wondering if anyone else feels this!

OP posts:
Onceuponatimethen · 11/09/2022 07:58

Op my dh felt like this and I thought it was his unusual upbringing. We now have a ds with asd and he’s come to realise that his dad has HFA. Dh has traits at least. I’m not saying this is you, just that there is a lot of undx SN in our age group and our parents’ age group

tectonicplates · 11/09/2022 08:03

Lots of people didn't have a group at/from school. Nothing to do with my parents.

Original poster
Cheping · 11/09/2022 08:03

I have wondered that from time to time. The problem is neither of them are around now so I’m relying purely on memory and memory isn’t reliable, especially given the passage of time.

My mum … gosh I found her difficult! But I’m more understanding of her now I’m a parent myself. I have memories of her erupting over tiny things and I will admit I’ve done that myself since being a parent. Not as dramatically but still. Some things do seem to fit but others not so much. I do think there were some pretty awful things in her own childhood. My brother was terrified of her.

My dad is the one I wonder about. Like me he was superficially everyone’s favourite person, but living with him could be very difficult. He’d suddenly decide something was completely unacceptable and go mad about it, like throwing toys away because he decided the room that was fine yesterday wasn’t today.

I just worry about my poor DCs thinking how odd I am in years to come!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cheping · 11/09/2022 08:04

You’re right @tectonicplates but that’s a tiny part of my post.

OP posts:
Onceuponatimethen · 11/09/2022 08:19

Those do sound like asd meltdowns op - not at all easy as a child Flowers

Teenyliving · 11/09/2022 08:25

I had a friend who had a weird and traumatic childhood and our friendship recently ended because I found that she doesn’t seem capable of the basics of friendship. She’s still really enmeshed with her parents. She’s just had a baby and she proclaims how she’s not making the mistakes that her parents made and her baby will have an amazing life. Actually I think she’s just making different mistakes and I do fell sorry thst her child is going to also have a difficult life.

i don’t say this to make you feel bad. I say this to share an experience from the other side.

the thing is though thst you’re already ahead of the game! You’re self aware! And that goes a long way to addressing things.

i wouldn’t worry about not having school friends etc!

GnomeDePlume · 11/09/2022 08:27

So many of our fundamental relationship understanding starts with our parents.

My parents did not have groups of friends which I guess had stemmed from their own upbringing. DF had gone to sea as a trainee officer when he when he was 16. DM grew up in a small village where the only entertainment was the WI.

Looking back, my parents were stuck in the 1950s. They worried about what the neighbours would think because they themselves were shocked when the neighbours didn't 'conform'.

Thankfully I married a man who had a normal, laughter filled, upbringing. As we have got older our group is family focused and that family is DH's side rather than mine.

Original poster
Cheping · 11/09/2022 08:29

I don’t really - if it was a tiny part of everything it would be a tiny part.

As it is, I don’t really have school friends (I cringe when I think back to school days!) I have a couple from university but things weren’t great then. My early adult years were very difficult and traumatic.

ASD or not my main problem stemming from my younger years is that I regularly feel I become the butt of jokes without wanting to.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 11/09/2022 08:31

So you blame everything on your parents ?

Original poster
Cheping · 11/09/2022 08:32

I’ve yet to see a supportive comment from you, @KangarooKenny . Do go and find a royal thread to be unpleasant on.

OP posts:
Onceuponatimethen · 11/09/2022 08:35

Op, one of the questions in the adult asd screen we looked at for dh was ‘I am always the last to see the joke’. Not quite the same but similar. Might be worth looking at an adult screen to see if you recognise any traits. Dh does have friends but struggles socially despite being lovely!

Fireyflies · 11/09/2022 08:35

I don't have school friends I'm still close to. I don't think that's uncommon particularly amongst those, like me, who go off to uni and never move back home. Is what you mean more that you don't have a small number of close friends who've known you many years?

Penguinsaregreat · 11/09/2022 08:35

Regarding your mother it could have been hormonal. I know for a fact that things that were perfectly fine and dandy most days would on certain days if the month be a red tag to a bull. It took an awful lot of effort to avoid flaring up at those times if the month. Not helped by the fact I was the one doing 90% of the grunt work , as in most relationships which I see.
Secondly the menopause. Affects women and how they deal with things.
As for your dad, not sure.

Original poster
Cheping · 11/09/2022 08:37

I am fairly sure I don’t have any traits - I know it can present differently in girls and women but there’s nothing at all I can think of. The only thing that could possibly fit is that I can get a bit obsessive about things like books or TV series but I don’t think that in isolation is significant.

I think a lot of it was hormonal with my mum and also both were very heavy drinkers. So that won’t have helped.

OP posts:
funkystars123 · 11/09/2022 08:38

Hey, I just want to say that I identify so much with what you have written.. I have no real insights at the moment as it's early on a Sunday and my brain is yet to wake up!!

But.... my dad definitely is autistic.., my mum I also think is... my childhood was hard and also my early twenties..

My kids have both been diagnosed- I am sure I have ADHD and probably am also autistic...

I hate myself sometimes... am struggling with leadership at work at the moment and I constantly worry people don't like me...

It would be great to keep chatting...

Sending you a very UnMumsnetty hug

Original poster
Cheping · 11/09/2022 08:41

@Fireyflies i know - I sort of wish I hadn’t mentioned that as again on its own it isn’t a big deal.

What is more of a worry for me I suppose is that if I’m in a situation where there is a ‘group’ I inevitably end up on the periphery and as the butt of jokes even though my personality isn’t like that. I’ve explained that badly but even at work, I’ve noticed I’ll do something like wander into the office and say ‘ooh does anybody have a post it’ and get comments about ‘oh she’s lost things again!’ - but I don’t! It’s good natured but it’s THERE. Very hard to explain and that’s possibly a bad example.

OP posts:
FrozenGhost · 11/09/2022 08:47

It's pretty common, asd or not. I'd say pretty much everyone who is the awkward type has parents exactly the same. I know I do. Its probably genetics as much as learned behaviour. I can even see it among kids. The parents who seem to have it easily socially have kids, even babies, who are already charming.

Adversity · 11/09/2022 08:48

What are the specific aspects of friendship you struggle with?

Is it level of communication, differing opinions, rigid thinking, bad at small talk, over sharing type stuff or is it being too nervous overall?

It sounds more like a self esteem issue to me the thinking your the butt of peoples jokes comment was the clue.

Fireyflies · 11/09/2022 08:48

I'd find that quite wearing to always be the butt of "jokes" that sound like light end bullying. Is that everywhere you go though or do you possibly just work with some rather cliquey women?

Singleandproud · 11/09/2022 08:50

It's all well and good looking back and identifying what went wrong, the question is now that you know what that was how are you going to rectify it and lead the life you want.

Do you need to relearn social skills and making small talk?
Do you need to join an activity group or a social group like Ladies Circle (ages 18-45) to get out and about and meet new people?

There's little point in dwelling on 'what was' particularly when there may well have been undiagnosed MH issues particularly if they were heavy drinkers. They themselves may not have been taught the adequate social skills so now you need to break the cycle.

User135792468 · 11/09/2022 08:53

Without commenting on your parents specifically, as a teacher, I do tend to see that children really reflect their parents and I always really enjoy meeting them at parents evening. If the child is a bit quirky then the parents tend to be too, if a child is polite and softly spoken then the parents generally are too. Same with obnoxious parents and their offspring. The “cool” kids tend to have parents who reflect this and dress quite fashionably too. Whilst they may not be the same personality wise, the way they carry themselves and speak does tend to reflect their parents.

whingewhinge · 11/09/2022 08:56

Absolutely not dismissing your experience but are you sure you end up the butt of jokes more than others or are you just more aware of it because of how your parents treated you?

Redqueenheart · 11/09/2022 08:58

''@KangarooKenny So you blame everything on your parents ?''

If you don't have anything constructive to add I suggest refraining from posting.

Of course the way people are raised will have a massive impact on their adult life. Kids learn about relationships from seeing their parents interact with other people and with each other.

Kids who are raised in happy, supportive families with healthy boundaries and who can develop a good level of self-confidence will obviously have a better start in life. Those who are not will likely struggle in some level later in life.

I was raised by a mother who never had a single friend in her married life. Both my parents shut themselves off to the world and we never did anything fun or interesting as a family. They were also cold, abusive, miserable, neglectful and did not consider me to be a person, just someone to be controlled and manipulated. Of course this had a massive impact on me and my development and they should take the blame for their behaviour. Being a parent is not a licence to mess up your child and do whatever you want with them...

FrozenGhost · 11/09/2022 08:59

It's heartbreaking as a parent as well. My dcs are 2 and 4 and I can already see that they are just like me and will struggle socially. They don't notice yet but they are pretty awkward and don't have many friends compared to other kids their age. Their behaviour is good so it's not that.

Of course I've tried my best but I'm not sure what to do. I can only hope they will be lucky enough to make a few good friends through their lives, and have the resilience to put up with being looked down on a bit.

Looks come in to it as well I think, which are obviously also genetic.

FrozenGhost · 11/09/2022 09:08

Kids who are raised in happy, supportive families with healthy boundaries and who can develop a good level of self-confidence will obviously have a better start in life.

This is true but even then it's not so simple. I had a very happy, healthy childhood, parents had a happy marriage, etc. Parents welcomed friends to our home. The weren't overly strict nor too lax. But still I'm odd, in the exact same way my parents are.