My parents were odd and I worry they’ve made me odd

[Cheping]

Superficially I seem like a lovely person ( I know, get me ) but it is on a superficial level.

I struggle with friendships and always have. My parents were so bloody WEIRD about my friends - obsessed with me arguing with them, blaming me if I did, saying it was ‘too soon’ to go on sleepovers () micromanaging my friendships …

Now I struggle. I don’t deal well with some aspects of friendship and I tend to avoid when this happens. Also thanks to my parents I don’t have a ‘group’ from school which would be good. Not sure why I’m posting - just wondering if anyone else feels this!

I don’t disagree with that really @LabiaMinoraPissusFlapus . I hope I’m not being self indulgent here - just thinking aloud.

My parents v odd too (although they would deny that completely, the issue is that I am emotional!)
They did have an effect on me :-( which took a lot of introspection to unpick.

Everything was about appearances, appearing to be happy, appearing to me normal, appearing to have friends, appearing to be successful, appearing to be respectable.

It really affected my ability to communicate with people and connect with people, although it was yrs before I could understand that.

I recognise quite a lot of what you have written.

can I just say how much I admire your attitude and your solution? I think the OP has found some good advice and an exemplar in you.

That's the result of having abusive parents - they told you thousands of times and in many, many ways that nobody would like you once they knew what you were really like. It's a way of knocking the confidence you had when you were small out of you. It deflected away from other people backing off because of their aggressiveness, criticism and drinking by saying it was your fault and not because your father hit you in front of a friend.

They actively sabotaged your friendships and feelings of confidence and security. Wouldn't have wanted you telling a friend's Mum that 'Daddy was drunk again and threw away my toys and hit me'. Best to say 'No, it's too soon, they don't know what you're like yet' or 'They're just pretending to like you' or just an outright refusal, rather than risk you disclosing abuse/violence/addiction and having Social Services investigate.

They were abusive arseholes. They wanted to squash you down and isolate you.

You are not them. You aren't odd. You have some unresolved questions because you knew subconsciously that they were fundamentally horrible people. And you are sensitive to/unsure of other people because the ones who were supposed to love, protect and lift you up were utterly unreliable and abusive - you never really felt secure enough or were ever permitted to develop early social skills in making and sustaining friendships. Which was their aim. To put themselves over and above your physical and mental wellbeing and happiness.

It's not you. It's them. It's something that happened to you, it wasn't your fault, it's not what you are. 100% their doing - and you don't have to carry their nasty, negative, manipulative voices with you anymore.

More of your parents' voices there - 'what makes you think that you're so special?'.

The fact you exist makes you special. The fact you are a kind, caring, intelligent person despite their best efforts to quash your spirit makes you special.

Ah ok. I can relate to this and I wonder how common this is too. I was listening to something the other day which was about meeting our self hatred. It's like we have a belief system designed around how inherently bad we are which is formed before we have developed enough rational thought to know our parents were wrong and flawed themselves. It isn't about blame, it's about acceptance. And I disagree that counselling or self investigation is indulgent, taking a look at yourself is necessary and essential in my opinion, especially for anyone who is a parent. But I appreciate we don't all view it like this.

Great post. And unfortunately there are many parents who seem to do the same as this. And dress it up as being brilliant and protective parents.

OP my folks are very odd, but I'm not odd. I'm afraid you're going to have to own your oddness!

I don’t think I am odd, @Softplayhooray , that’s what I’m trying to work out.

@Cheping have your heard of self-compassion and specifically re-parenting. I found it helpful. There is a really good workbook by kirsten neff phd and Chris germer phd. There are two aspects to reparenting, soothing, validating and empathy which is the re mothering. Re fathering is like motivation, boundaries, planning.

I needed to look at BOTH.

Not just parents can screw you up, abusive bullying siblings can do you more harm. My parents were very sociable, not abusive but should have controlled my older brother. Left me with anger issues and anxiety.

Wanna be my friend OP? We can be weird together 😂

My mother is also a little eccentric and I’ve picked up some of her habits. I also suspect she’s on the spectrum and think I am as well which would explain so much.

I’m jealous of my sister who although less ‘nice’ than me has much better social and general life skills.

Oh and one of the reasons I’ve decided to be child free is that I wouldn’t want a child being stuck with me , a socially awkward mother who couldn’t model the social skills they need to succeed in life. Sad I know, but better for me to miss out on parenting than to mess up an innocent child.

Having read your updates OP I think it’s not at all clear that it is that you are lacking social skills or rather whether it is that you have a warped way of interpreting others

ie your parents - and especially your father - sound like arsehole bullies. So therefore that is the lense of how you respond to others. So when you feel on the periphery or being mocked - it’s just that you are (understandably) misinterpreting other peoples actions because that’s how you’ve been taught how people react. They well cohod
be treating you exactly the same as others and being pleasant - it’s just you don’t know how to deal with peop being nice to you!

i suspect it’s a mixture of both - sometimes you don’t know how to interact because you were never shown how to - and sometimes you think people don’t like you when they do (or they are indifferent to you in a well meaning way).

i do imagine you are almost certainly overthinking casual social interactions

have a read of Pete Townsends book on complex ptsd - might strike a chord.

for what it’s worth - you sound from this thread like a perfectly pleasant person to hang out with 🤷‍♀️

Hi OP look up Adult children of alcoholics AND dysfunctional families. There are 14 traits of children brought up in dysfunctional homes - it may resonate with you. You are not alone.

I am the youngest of 3 , born to parents, 43 and 41. My father made our lives a misery by his outbursts and mood changes. As a child you think these attitudes are your fault. My lovely mum put down his peculiarities to his parents being first cousins. His high sex drive was a definite factor. Due to my father's job I went to a grammar school 20 miles away . From a middle class background I was mixing with children of miners and farm workers. I hated every minute and never fitted in.

@Adelaide66 how do you know that about your dads sex drive? I find that a bit strange.

Oh I see, in which case, I very much doubt you are odd! What I expect is that they are so odd (been there) that you're scared that you're odd like they are, and you are really not...you just sound like a nice person with the normal worries or sometime insecurities that lots of people have...

@Adelaide66 that must have been awful for you to be made to talk to children whose parents had less money than you - thoughts and prayers

My parents aren't very social. My mim has a lot of anxiety and is very shy and my dad is just quite happy being at home. They aren't overly affectionate people. They don't say I love you or sorry etc but that's ok. I get that's them. They are amazing parents and I wouldn't change them.
However, I can really see things I've picked up from them which I now don't like about myself. I find it hard to be affectionate to any one other then my children. I would love to be a social butterfly but I find it hard... just a few little things.
Trying my best to be open and affectionate with my sons as I don't want them to feel too self conscious about everything that they end up being a closed book!
All we can do is learn and try and make the changes we want. We can't blame bad things about ourselves on others even if it feels that way!