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Original poster

Elderly Father infatuated with younger woman

49 replies

Kellbell1 · 11/09/2022 02:33

This is a strange one but just wondered if anyone has experienced similar. Sounds petty but it's really ruining my father and mines relationship.
For the last 4 years since meeting her when she worked in a cafe he went to my 82 yr old Father has been infatuated with a married woman with a small child in her early 30s, i'm 42.
She befriended him and since then he has visited her house once or twice a week. When I say I don't like what's going on as I am suspicious he gets very defensive and says it's a lovely friendship even though I know he is totally besotted with her. She had him in her house all through covid when I didn't see him for 5 months as I live away and was obeying the law. He gets upset when he can't see her and finds excuses to go to her house or bump into her in town.

Am I being horrible to not like this, he claims he is lonely and she's his pleasure or should I be worried that she is encouraging it and her husband doesnt mind. Surely if you know a man fancies you and you are married you should put him off.
I have fell out with him a few times as he feels the need to mention her in every phone conversation we have (we speak daily), I have told him many times I don't want to hear about her and when he does mention her i just go silent or change subject, if ive had enough some days i snap and remind him how I don't like it all then he makes me feel guilty and horrible but he can't seem to help himself start talking about her again after a couple days. This is the only thing we have ever fallen out about but he cannot see it from my pov.
Am I being horrid/jealous as she makes him happy and I'm not around or am I right to not like my elderly Dad being obsessed with a young woman who seems to be happy to feed into his idea that she would be with him if her husband wasn't a factor.
I think what really annoys me more is he wouldn't be lonely if he had of treated my mum better and worked on their marriage.
Rant over, its such a weird situation.

OP posts:

Sprogletsmum2 · 11/09/2022 02:37

I think it's very common. This is outing but my nan died 4 years ago and not long after she died my grandad made a pass at me. He's not biologically my grandad but had been married to my nan since before I was born. He then made a pass at a much younger woman than me.

MintyFinty · 11/09/2022 04:14

YANBU - It's weird and sounds embarrassing too.
I'm not sure what you can do though?
I'd be googling her and looking up on Facebook for insights to be honest.

MissingNashville · 11/09/2022 04:50

He sounds a bit pervy to me. The woman sounds odd, she has a husband but let’s him think she’d be interested if it wasn’t for being married? Does her husband know? Could it be that they think he has money? Too much drama for me and he didn’t treat your mum well, I’d be distancing myself.

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Druyhbf · 11/09/2022 05:41

I used to work in a bar. All the old men flirt with the bar maids. The old ladies are the biggest flirts with the young male bar staff. Old people will come in everyday. We are part of their routine they bring us gifts. Bar staff and in this case cafe staff are probably doing more for the old people they see everyday then people realise. I would regularly be ordering things online for them. Or doing various online tasks for them because everything is online now and they don't understand it. I have had them bring in letters to do with pensions ect that have confused them. This lady and her husband cared for him during covid they deserves the ops thanks. She is an active part of his life so he will naturally talk about her. He probably as few other people to talk about.

I exchanged valentines gifts with an old man for years before he died. It was all a bit of fun. He may have been old but he was still a young man inside having an innocent playful flirt with a younger woman. He flirted and we played along when people teased. But it was never inappropriate. I visited him in hospital and at home a couple of times. When he could not do it himself anymore his grand daughter picked up the last couple valentines gift for me. The gifts then went from a silly gift to jewellery. Her way of thanking me for making her grand dad happy.

The op is the one that is making this relationship seem sordid. He is old and still a man. He may have a crush on her. But it does not sound like anything untoward is actually going on. Just a lonely old man being befriended by a younger woman, whos husband does not mind the friendship. The last sentence about him not being lonely if he had not left her mother is very telling. There is obviously a lot of resentment there. The op should work on her feelings about that rather than worry about this younger woman.

converseandjeans · 11/09/2022 05:55

Hopefully she isn't encouraging him so that she can get money from him & perhaps even some of his estate when he passes away? It does sound odd. He should find a lady his own age.

Fraaahnces · 11/09/2022 05:59

I’d find her and have a word… Who knows what bs he’s spun her about being a helpless old man to get this happening? Also, if she has a manager, I’d also be asking if they think it’s appropriate.

MmeMeursault · 11/09/2022 06:02

Really sorry to put this angle out there but is it her or her daughter he's interested in?

Idontdoyoga · 11/09/2022 06:03

Leave him to it! Life’s too short to worry about this unless you are concerned about his will & estate.
Why not go and see the lady? Thank her for her friendship with him. Perhaps seeing her face to face will ease your mind.

My old dad was friends with a younger woman and it was totally innocent. Dad was very lonely and she was a panacea for that. Rejoice that he has a friend who clearly cares about him & try to set your concerns aside. Settle into the spirit if it.

Loachworks · 11/09/2022 06:07

He does sound lonely. You say you ring once a week. How often do you visit? Unless you think her motives are sinister I think she's probably doing him good.

IdiotCreatures · 11/09/2022 06:09

OP said that her and her father talk daily

LittleGreyFluffyCat · 11/09/2022 06:21

He's 82 and she's in her 30s, I doubt she sees him as anything other than a friend or grandad figure!

Hyacinth2 · 11/09/2022 06:23

Is there a Men's shed he could join - a get together place for older men to go to make things and socialise , he needs more socialising.

Justleaveitblankthen · 11/09/2022 06:34

I would ask to meet her. If she makes excuses not to, then yes I would be concerned. You don't think he could be helping her/them out financially do you? Could you find out?

SardineStitches · 11/09/2022 06:41

That will be my ex. Now with someone our child's finances age (who was also married but that doesn't stop him, he's had multiple affairs all with married people he sways them to leave their husbands then he dumps them) but when we were together he was also inappropriate with my 18 year old daughters friends, who noticed and commented to my daughter that her da was "creepy".

No doubt the next one will be even younger.

MrsU2022 · 11/09/2022 06:41

Justleaveitblankthen · 11/09/2022 06:34

I would ask to meet her. If she makes excuses not to, then yes I would be concerned. You don't think he could be helping her/them out financially do you? Could you find out?

I was thinking this too. I hope she's not financially abusing him :(

00100001 · 11/09/2022 06:41

Loachworks · 11/09/2022 06:07

He does sound lonely. You say you ring once a week. How often do you visit? Unless you think her motives are sinister I think she's probably doing him good.

OP speaks daily

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2022 06:54

i have a male friend, who is almost 90 so nearly 40 years older than me. I know he has a little bit of a crush on me. It’s all very innocent. He’s lonely. I don’t see him with anything like as much as this mum and am very boundaried. I’m not expecting to profit from his will or anything! I made a point of meeting his daughter several years ago and she is very happy with our friendship.

I would wonder if the woman is lonely herself and doesn’t have parents around. Your father may be filling that gap or that of surrogate grandparent. My dd loved seeing my friend and his dog when she was little. It is likely she will go back to work once the baby is older so this will make the visits less frequent, I imagine.

In your place, I would contact her to give her your details in case anything happens or some such or say you have been wanting to meet her etc. She’s still relatively young and perhaps hasn’t made the connection that she could upset you.

It is very enriching to be around much older people. My friend is now on monarch number 5 as he born when George V reigned. He also remembers a lot about growing up during the war.

UrghBlahBlahBleugh · 11/09/2022 06:58

My sister was once friends with a woman who had befriended a lonely old lady. When the old lady died her family found her entire bank account empty, all their inheritance gone, no savings left etc. Thousands gone. Police were alerted to the friendship with this younger woman, who claimed she was just keeping her company. Turned out she'd been swindling this dear old lady, getting her to sign off cheque after cheque after cheque to her because the old lady thought she was just helping her pay bills.

Had this woman not get herself pregnant just in time for her court date, she would've spent a good length of time in prison. Instead she got put on tag. She aborted the pregnancy and went around town gloating that she'd gotten away with it.

This might not be the case with your DF, Im not trying to scare you, but just keep your eyes and ears open.

KangarooKenny · 11/09/2022 06:58

My DF had a relationship with someone not much older than me, they actually got engaged. Luckily she was quite moody/stroppy so it ended, but it did make me feel uneasy.

dammit88 · 11/09/2022 06:59

Can you explain exactly what it is that you are upset about? Do you see her has some sort of threat? Are you thinking she is after money? Because it sounds like she is a good support and friend to your dad. And if she looked out for him during Covid thats a wonderful thing she did - weren't we all encourage to look out for elderly and vulnerable people at that time?

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2022 07:02

Sprogletsmum2 · 11/09/2022 02:37

I was sexually assaulted by an almost 90 year old bf when I was a teen. This guy was a pedophile. I didn’t realise that at the time but with hindsight, the way he incapacitated me means he had done this many times before. I am not reading the a thread about a pervy man here.

KangarooKenny · 11/09/2022 07:04

I was told that after my DM died my SF made a pass at my cousin. What is wrong with these men 🤔

Snozzlemaid · 11/09/2022 07:18

Is he a wealthy man?
I'd be concerned she's after his money.

Fififelix · 11/09/2022 07:38

I've worked in elderly care and I joke in men the last thing to go is the libido. I'd definitely make sure he's not been spending money on her but if he still has capacity there's not a lot you can do.

Limer · 11/09/2022 07:42

There's no fool like an old fool.

It could be totally innocent, they enjoy each other's company and she's a lovely kind woman with a very understanding husband.

Slightly sinister, she's after his money (did he give her money when he lived there during Covid?). Does he give her presents or money now? Have you seen his will recently?

More sinister, he could be grooming her (or worse, her child).

You need to have an honest conversation with him, from the point of view that you've got his best interests at heart.

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