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Original poster

Elderly Father infatuated with younger woman

49 replies

Kellbell1 · 11/09/2022 02:33

This is a strange one but just wondered if anyone has experienced similar. Sounds petty but it's really ruining my father and mines relationship.
For the last 4 years since meeting her when she worked in a cafe he went to my 82 yr old Father has been infatuated with a married woman with a small child in her early 30s, i'm 42.
She befriended him and since then he has visited her house once or twice a week. When I say I don't like what's going on as I am suspicious he gets very defensive and says it's a lovely friendship even though I know he is totally besotted with her. She had him in her house all through covid when I didn't see him for 5 months as I live away and was obeying the law. He gets upset when he can't see her and finds excuses to go to her house or bump into her in town.

Am I being horrible to not like this, he claims he is lonely and she's his pleasure or should I be worried that she is encouraging it and her husband doesnt mind. Surely if you know a man fancies you and you are married you should put him off.
I have fell out with him a few times as he feels the need to mention her in every phone conversation we have (we speak daily), I have told him many times I don't want to hear about her and when he does mention her i just go silent or change subject, if ive had enough some days i snap and remind him how I don't like it all then he makes me feel guilty and horrible but he can't seem to help himself start talking about her again after a couple days. This is the only thing we have ever fallen out about but he cannot see it from my pov.
Am I being horrid/jealous as she makes him happy and I'm not around or am I right to not like my elderly Dad being obsessed with a young woman who seems to be happy to feed into his idea that she would be with him if her husband wasn't a factor.
I think what really annoys me more is he wouldn't be lonely if he had of treated my mum better and worked on their marriage.
Rant over, its such a weird situation.

OP posts:

bevelino · 11/09/2022 07:43

Justleaveitblankthen · 11/09/2022 06:34

I would ask to meet her. If she makes excuses not to, then yes I would be concerned. You don't think he could be helping her/them out financially do you? Could you find out?

This

A lot of elderly people are taken advantage of and I would ask your df if he is giving money.

fortheloveofcheesecake · 11/09/2022 08:03

"He gets upset when he can't see her and finds excuses to go to her house or bump into her in town."

I'd be trying to get in contact with the woman to make sure he's not making a nuisance of himself. She might have been friendly at first but may now feel obliged to continue this friendship. The fact that he is making excuses to see her or bump into her makes me wonder what her side of the story is.

Hoppinggreen · 11/09/2022 08:06

LittleGreyFluffyCat · 11/09/2022 06:21

He's 82 and she's in her 30s, I doubt she sees him as anything other than a friend or grandad figure!

Or ££££

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Relationship problems

Original poster

Kellbell1 · 11/09/2022 10:14

It's just I know it's more than a friendship for him he is basically in love with her and a couple of times like when she left her job but didn't tell him so he had to track her down he was devastated so I had to consol him and then another time she left her husband as he had apparently hit her my dad was again really upset, i just think it's too much stress and drama for him to be involved with.

Of course there is an element of me being jealous as I am his only child and I was at one time his everything and he has got plenty of money so I do worry he will go loopy and leave her money so she can leave her husband, but is this all part of a scam that the husband is in on.
It also irks me when I have to hear about her and her daughter but he doesn't ask about my son. Trust me I am aware that on some levels I come across as horrid especially as I live away so I'm not there for him in person much anymore so who am I to deny him any friendships but he has lots of other people he talks to up the pub, places he sells things, coach trips he goes on and his neighbours, my step brothers family.
It's like the people that care the most for him he is pushing away with this obsession.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kellbell1 · 11/09/2022 10:20

Also the covid thing she was letting him in her house with groups of other people at the height of restrictions pre jabs which I was very unhappy with. Her house seems like abit of a drop in centre for anyone who turns up. I didn't take it as she was caring for him more putting him at risk.

OP posts:

user1471538283 · 11/09/2022 10:26

I would intervene. I've heard too many times of elderly people getting swindled.

It seems like he thinks he is in with a chance.

piffle123 · 11/09/2022 10:38

Is it possible that he has the start of early onset dementia? It can often cause personality changes and strange "inappropriate"' behaviour.

I too would be concerned over whether there is an ulterior motive on her part and is taking advantage of a vulnerable elderly person.

Are you able to approach her and have an honest conversation?

MaybeDoctor · 11/09/2022 11:19

I am going to put this link here - it isn't quite the same situation but it may be helpful to someone:

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2021/sep/15/daphne-franks-the-woman-who-lost-her-much-loved-mother-to-a-predatory-marriage

drpet49 · 11/09/2022 12:17

MrsU2022 · 11/09/2022 06:41

I was thinking this too. I hope she's not financially abusing him :(

Show quote history

This. I would be really concerned if I was you OP.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 11/09/2022 12:29

I’d be wary about possible financial abuse - it’s not uncommon in such circs. As they say, there’s no fool like an old fool - elderly men often seem able to kid themselves that a much younger woman is in love with him - and not with his wallet. Is there any way you can check if any ‘help’ has been going on?

ElegantlyTouched · 11/09/2022 12:36

I'm feeling sorry for her rather than him tbh. She left her job and didn't tell him, so he tracked her down? Sounds like stalking to me. Have you met her? I'd want to hear her side of the story tbh.

I used to be friends with an elderly couple. He tried to full-on kiss me once, it was horrendous. It was difficult as he was so old and it seemed harsh to make a huge fuss, but luckily he died not long after. I wonder if she felt sorry for him and befriended him, but then found it hard to say no when he turned up at her house. If I were her I'd consider a restraining order.

LindaEllen · 11/09/2022 12:48

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/09/2022 07:02

I was sexually assaulted by an almost 90 year old bf when I was a teen. This guy was a pedophile. I didn’t realise that at the time but with hindsight, the way he incapacitated me means he had done this many times before. I am not reading the a thread about a pervy man here.

Show quote history

You had a 90 year old boyfriend when you were a teen? What the actual fuck?

Iamthefavourite · 11/09/2022 13:13

Sounds like DGF’s cleaner. She did well out of his (changed) will when he died 🤯

Teenyliving · 11/09/2022 13:20

It’s grim and pervy.

if he’s lonely I bet he hasn’t thought of making friends with a pudgy man in his mid 50s…

he’s being a gross lech. If she’s also taking advantage of him - well to be frank that’s what you get for being an elderly perve who thinks you have the right to perve over a married woman in her 30s

if he was in his 30s and distraught that she’s moved jobs without telling him and tracked her down he’s be reported to the police for harassment

W00p · 11/09/2022 13:25

Does he help her out financially OP? I wouldn't be happy about this either tbh but what can you do about it?

Just as a side note, do you have power of attorney in place?

IncompleteSenten · 11/09/2022 13:31

Have you ever read any of the threads on here by women who have elderly neighbours that they started being kind to and then the neighbour completely latched onto them and started being hugely demanding and manipulative?

The women describe feeling guilty and feeling responsible for the elderly person.

I would talk to the woman tbh. It may be that he is pestering the fuck out of her but she feels sorry for him and guilty if she doesn't accommodate him.

coffeeisthebest · 11/09/2022 14:02

Trust yourself OP. Every thing you write sounds like you indicating that this feels a bit 'off'. It is totally understandable that you are pissed off that he engages with this other woman's child rather than yours. I would start with a blunt chat with him, and see what happens. I also wouldn't be able to stomach his concern about her. She is an adult who can make her own choices.

MrsJagoRoss · 11/09/2022 14:29

My FIL has been like this with women, I don’t think it’s sexual as he’s very cerebral and not at all pervy, I think he’s just lonely. I can understand your concern though, one woman he was in touch with moved away and kind of made it clear she didn’t want to stay in touch and he was obsessed with finding out why and where she’d gone.

It also irks me when I have to hear about her and her daughter but he doesn't ask about my son.

I sympathise with this. FIL will talk for ages about one of the women’s children and grandchildren and show very little interest in his own. It’s very hurtful.

Suetwo · 11/09/2022 15:04

Snozzlemaid · 11/09/2022 07:18

Is he a wealthy man?
I'd be concerned she's after his money.

My first thought as well. Why on earth would she encourage this otherwise?

Suetwo · 11/09/2022 15:15

ElegantlyTouched · 11/09/2022 12:36

I'm feeling sorry for her rather than him tbh. She left her job and didn't tell him, so he tracked her down? Sounds like stalking to me. Have you met her? I'd want to hear her side of the story tbh.

People always make excuses for pervy old men, as if being old somehow makes you sweet and harmless. Just because someone is old, that doesn’t mean anything. Paedophiles, abusers, creepy leches, etc, all grow old. And they don’t change. Indeed, they probably become more, not less, dangerous, since they’ve got nothing to lose. In your 30s and 40s you run the risk of prison or job loss or divorce. But at 82 you’re pretty much safe. I bet lots of nurses and carers experience sexual assault, but keep quiet. No one is going to take you seriously if you complain about a sick old man.

I’m not referring to the OP’s dad here btw.

Brigante9 · 11/09/2022 15:21

Guaranteed he’s giving her money.

Catlitterqueen · 11/09/2022 15:42

Iamthefavourite · 11/09/2022 13:13

Sounds like DGF’s cleaner. She did well out of his (changed) will when he died 🤯

We have a similar situation with FIL he seems to imagine himself in some sort of relationship with his cleaner who is half his age. She hates it when he has family around because she can no longer play lady of the house in his home. He gives her money ‘to help her out’ and won’t hear a word said against her.

MissyCooperismyShero · 11/09/2022 16:17

Druyhbf · 11/09/2022 05:41

I used to work in a bar. All the old men flirt with the bar maids. The old ladies are the biggest flirts with the young male bar staff. Old people will come in everyday. We are part of their routine they bring us gifts. Bar staff and in this case cafe staff are probably doing more for the old people they see everyday then people realise. I would regularly be ordering things online for them. Or doing various online tasks for them because everything is online now and they don't understand it. I have had them bring in letters to do with pensions ect that have confused them. This lady and her husband cared for him during covid they deserves the ops thanks. She is an active part of his life so he will naturally talk about her. He probably as few other people to talk about.

I exchanged valentines gifts with an old man for years before he died. It was all a bit of fun. He may have been old but he was still a young man inside having an innocent playful flirt with a younger woman. He flirted and we played along when people teased. But it was never inappropriate. I visited him in hospital and at home a couple of times. When he could not do it himself anymore his grand daughter picked up the last couple valentines gift for me. The gifts then went from a silly gift to jewellery. Her way of thanking me for making her grand dad happy.

The op is the one that is making this relationship seem sordid. He is old and still a man. He may have a crush on her. But it does not sound like anything untoward is actually going on. Just a lonely old man being befriended by a younger woman, whos husband does not mind the friendship. The last sentence about him not being lonely if he had not left her mother is very telling. There is obviously a lot of resentment there. The op should work on her feelings about that rather than worry about this younger woman.

This sounds lovely. My elderly relation had a similar thing with cafe staff. They would get him birthday gifts and Christmas presents and he would reciprocate. He went in the cafe every day. On the day he didn't, it was they who broke into his house,found him sick and called the ambulance probably saving his life. They were all young women.

Cameleongirl · 11/09/2022 16:33

I agree that you need to meet this lady and exchange contact details with her. It’s possible that she’s just a kind person, but it’s equally possible that she’s financially exploiting him. Either way, you need to visit, stay for a few days and make sure you meet her. Exchange numbers “in case something happens” as a PP suggested.

I’d also advise you to apply for Power of Attorney ASAP. You can apply for both Financial and Health POA’s. Explain to your Dad that if he’s taken ill, you won’t be able to help him as much without them. You can have more than one person on there (myself and my Auntie are my Dad’s Attorney’s).

I hope this is all an innocent friendship but until you know more, you have to assume it’s not, unfortunately.

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