Does everyone feel lonely in their own way?

[GiveMummyTheWhizzer]

I mean, I know it's a strange question, but I've been feeling particularly lonely these last few weeks. More so than usual. I wonder if it's relatively normal or not for most people to feel this way for many different reasons....

I've got a great DH, 2 DC (12 & 4) and both DH and I both work full time (shifts in his case). I'm close with my mum (only a 18 year age gap between us) and I suppose I have a lower than normal number of "friends" - I'm not picky or anything like that and I like to think I'm friendly, approachable and a good listener but I find that unless I make the effort then people just don't bother with me, I'm kind of an afterthought I guess.

Is it that you just get swamped by "life"? Is it a struggle for everyone and others just try harder or hide it better? I do worry that if I weren't here, aside from immediate family I just wouldn't be particularly missed. Not in a depressed or sinister kind of way. It's just a bit sad to think of it that way.

Even though I know some of it is a facade - Facebook and the likes shows me people and friendship groups that are so close and so reliant on one another, that it appears I'm missing some kind of memo somewhere along the line.

Add to this the element of trying to meet up with friends and all be free at the same time in about 2 years and it can all be a bit much!

Am I alone in feeling this way?

Someone once said to me that most people are more lonely than you imagine. It struck me as true.

I think there’s often a sense of community missing. Unless you’re a church goer modern life does lack tribal cohesion.

I don’t think so.
I have felt very lonely during my marriage. My kids have grown up now, and I’ve spent so much of my life busy with them, now I feel like I’ve been dropped.
I frequently wonder what’s the point.

I don't disagree with you. I could join groups here or there - but aside from not really being able to commit due to the DC and DH's shifts, I also don't want to feel like I'm forcing something. I want people just to want to be with me. I don't mind leg work one bit - but it would be nice to be sought out every now and again I guess.

@KangarooKenny I understand where you're coming from.

DH is a lot me extroverted than me. Now that DS1 is getting older, he is starting to go out with his friends more (brilliant - long May it continue!) and I've begun to wonder where this leaves me in the years to come when neither DC 'need' me anymore.

Sounds like you have had your close friend ‘needs’ and ability to give fulfilled by a small close circle of family? No reflection on you.

As times change, maybe it’s ti
e to experiment with different communities/activities until you find your new tribe/new friends (if you want to)?

@PiffleWiffleWoozle I guess I have. What you say makes sense.

I suppose as that close circle grows and changes in its own natural way I feel a greater need to build other relationships outside of it. Although I'm not entirely sure how to even start.

Yep, same. I just feel like it is groundhog day every day. Very rarely see friends, but do chat with acquaintances as I have a dog to walk regularly.

Four DC and a DH. Lots of people to love. Doubt I would be missed either if I dropped off the face of the earth apart from obviously family. Life is busy though. Parenting is exhausting and paired with health issues, doesn't leave a lot of time to socialise.

@Notplayingball - parenting IS exhausting! I find it takes all my energy even just with two. Working FT doesn't help this but needs must.

I get the 'groundhog day' feeling. And as a precious poster said I do sometimes wonder what the point is.

I'm shaping the lives of two human beings and hopefully setting them on the right paths. However there are those "what about me?!" moments that I can't escape.

I only have a few close family and I only see my friends a few times a year now but I've never felt lonely. I'm always quite happy in my own company. I've also got a dog and 2 cats so I never feel alone.

@Stripeystrip201 - that's the thing. I am MORE than happy in my own company. I like pottering about and spending time just doing my own thing. So I don't feel ALONE. I think there is a difference between alone and lonely. Lonely is more of a worry for the future and to be lonely to me is deeper than being "alone". I'm not alone (if you see what I mean).

Everyone is alone, in some way, even when in a family or relationship or with friends. We are always inside ourselves and they are inside themselves.

My life is non stop, I’m never on my own. But I’m lonelier than I’ve ever been.

@carefullycourageous - yes agreed. But do you think there is a difference between alone and lonely? Can they be two different things.

@PaddleBoardingMomma - yes! This!

Opposite for me. I crave solitude but rarely get it. The world is too noisy and crowded for me. I am happiest when I am totally alone.

During my marriage and post-divorce years I was really lonely. Over the past 3 years though I've grown into a different person. In saying this, I loved being single in spite of all it's difficulties and I love the feeling of having complete autonomy over my life which was compromised in my marriage. I often think that as a woman all the sacrifices we're expected to make have really profound consequences on future happiness. No man is ever expected to put their career on hold or prioritise their children over friendships. I think this is what women do all the time.

I think being lonely is nothing to do with being alone.

I think we can feel lonely when with e.g. small children because we rarely express our thoughts/feelings/hopes/dreams etc. and so we are very much inside ourselves. We are focused so much on them.

There’s a difference between being physically alone and psychologically alone, as you say.

There’s a great quote from Carl Jung - “Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”

Maybe have a think/journal about what it is you feel you want to communicate, or have others notice. I think sometimes it’s not so much about having others acknowledge whatever it is (though that’s nice to have), but about whether we’re noticing our own needs and valuing that inner voice enough to act on it.

@ILoveMonday I agree with your point about sacrifice. I think the whole ' mental load' thing comes into play a lot here. I often find I don't have space in my head to think about socialising more or attempting new things.

My kids ar everything to me and I wouldn't change that at all. But I do wonder where I would be if I'd not been able to have them or life had gone another way but I know that's just human nature.

I love to be like "fuck it" and go off and join loads of clubs etc. but I've done various things over the years and no one ever really becomes a "keeper". I think they will at the time as we get on like a house in fire but then life gets in the way.

If I (god forbid) were to lose DH and Mum, I would have one special friend left, my best friend really. I selfishly wonder is that enough.

Total pondering tonight 😂

@Everylittlethingsgonnabealright - wise words indeed. A good way to look at things.

It's been so long since I've focused on what I want that I don't even really know if I'm honest.

I understand, I feel like this a lot too…I’m never alone, but can feel lonely…I’m not sure why

@Joelinapinksuit yes, sometimes I can't pull myself away from the sadness it makes me feel.

I often think it must be me and that makes me feel even more lonely to be honest.

I am incredibly lonely. Crippling so. Lost my mum, dad and best friend. Have a few lovely friends but no children and feel like I don't really matter to anyone. I've been with my oh for 18 years but he can be tricky. He never ever feels lonely. He isn't an especially emotional person though and doesn't introspect much, so he doesn't tend to dwell on existential stuff.

Yes I do feel like a similar way like so busy have friends and family but to me I would describe the feeling more as a lost, not sure sometimes exactly what I'm looking for or need to fulfill some need or want

@SugarNspices - lost is a good way to put it. I often wish I could articulate how I feel and what I want more clearly.

I've gotten so used to "going with the flow" or not being a priority I think.