Does everyone feel lonely in their own way?

[GiveMummyTheWhizzer]

I mean, I know it's a strange question, but I've been feeling particularly lonely these last few weeks. More so than usual. I wonder if it's relatively normal or not for most people to feel this way for many different reasons....

I've got a great DH, 2 DC (12 & 4) and both DH and I both work full time (shifts in his case). I'm close with my mum (only a 18 year age gap between us) and I suppose I have a lower than normal number of "friends" - I'm not picky or anything like that and I like to think I'm friendly, approachable and a good listener but I find that unless I make the effort then people just don't bother with me, I'm kind of an afterthought I guess.

Is it that you just get swamped by "life"? Is it a struggle for everyone and others just try harder or hide it better? I do worry that if I weren't here, aside from immediate family I just wouldn't be particularly missed. Not in a depressed or sinister kind of way. It's just a bit sad to think of it that way.

Even though I know some of it is a facade - Facebook and the likes shows me people and friendship groups that are so close and so reliant on one another, that it appears I'm missing some kind of memo somewhere along the line.

Add to this the element of trying to meet up with friends and all be free at the same time in about 2 years and it can all be a bit much!

Am I alone in feeling this way?

@OhMerde - I sorry for your losses. That must've been tough for you

Yes I think they do. Social media would make you think they don't but I think you would be suprised with how many folks would say they feel lonely if they were being very honest. I think the harsh reality is that we are born alone and die alone. Everything in between is just passing the time the best we can (I don't mean to say that in a morbid way)

I am lonely too although my life looks perfect from the outside.

DCs all grown up and now having their own babies so we are peripheral to their lives, although we do provide some child care but that is rather like parenthood, a necessity rather than enjoying your company.
DH is, like many men, not very sensitive or thoughtful so would have no idea I feel this. He retired early and is very happy with his routine but we have no joint activities and he is not willing to change

Lost sums it up perfectly as I don't know what I want or need

I’m surrounded by people all the time but most of them just want something from me - help with childcare, to come in to work on my day off, to tell me their problems. None of them really understand me or think of me. I would love someone to make me laugh or invite me somewhere or care how I am. Even DH isn’t like that anymore, we mostly just argue over dumb things. So yes I think loneliness can creep in even when life feels very peopley.

I think most people are lonelier than you think.

My DH works abroad a lot, sometimes with a big time difference so it isn't always possible to FaceTime etc and although I have a good group of friends, we all live busy lives with work/children etc.

There were times I spent all day and night on my own, sometimes I kept the tv on low volume overnight just for the company. I've also got up in the middle of the night and felt lonely so I've driven to Mcdonalds drive thru before just to see actual people!

No. I don't feel lonely.

I'm interested in the responses to OP because I was having a conversation with an old friend today about this exact thing.

I said to him that I have always centered myself in my own life and I tell my children to do the same.

YOU are the most important person in your life. I love my children, I would die for them. But I'm not an adjunct to their existence. I'm a distinct individual.

I have lots of friends and good familial relationships. And I have myself. And I'm very happy with myself. So I don't ever feel lonely.

Ive experienced periods of feeling lonely yes, even when I’m in relationships and have a social life etc. I feel like it’s when something feels like it’s missing - maybe feeling unfulfilled in one area of my life.
I also think it could be part of being human, generally we’re driven to seek out social connection.

@QueenOfHiraeth @beststepforward
I’m glad you agree that someone can appear OK from the outside looking in. That makes me feel a little less crazy 😊

@Margot78 this is a great point. I often wonder if people would be with me or engage with me if they didn’t have to for one reason/connection or another. This is one of the things that bothers me most - I would love more people in my life that actually craved my company and interaction. I am lucky that I have DH and DM that provide that but a relationship with a mother and a husband is, I feel, different from that of a true friend no matter how close you are.

@VeronicaFranklin Agreed - one of the things that sparked my thoughts is that DH is currently on a period of lates shifts (so asleep in the morning, work afternoon/evening, home after everyone is asleep) and DM is away. With all football and clubs etc. being cancelled due to the Queens passing I’ve had no adult interaction other than work. It’s hard.

@VividlyReneredLandscape it’s lovely that you feel this way - it makes me both envious and happy that it can be achieved. I’m glad you’re settled in yourself. Confidence is a major issue for me. Whilst I exude confidence at work, personally I am obese and uncomfortable in my own skin. I have no belief in myself. It’s not lost on me how much of a contributory factor to my situation this is.

@Petrar - ‘something missing’ is a good point and I do believe as humans we are designed to look for interaction and not be alone.

Wow that was a mammoth post. Sorry! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Thank you for all the replies - they're really interesting to read.

I feel the same way.

I do did? have a few friends but they expected an awful lot of me, to help them out constantly with things, lend them money, help with their kids etc. when I finally stood up for myself and saw it was all one way and slowly backed off doing all the "favours" they all vanished and moved on to other people.

Now just me, DH and dc as my family aren't nearby. (I do visit them but only every couple of months) so it does get very lonely. I also can't work due to disabilities so that doesn't help.

No advice as I'm at a bit of a loss what to do myself.

@GoneWithTheWine1 - as comforting as it is to know that how I feel isn't uncommon, I'm sorry you have to feel the same way.

in some ways, yes.
i don’t really have family apart from dh and DCs and that can feel v lonely sometimes esp around times that family gather (dh has a small family but I’ve never felt close to them) and I see big get togethers on FB etc. even before FB I felt like that though.
i do have good friends and that does make a big difference tbh. Without them life would be miserable, but they all have their shIt going on as well!
i think the most lonely I’ve felt was when I had my first DC - only two of my original friends had children and I had to make a supreme effort to meet mum friends with a fractious baby in tow. I used to just walk up the local shops/park hoping I’d bump into someone (this was before social media/WhatsApp took off so not as easy to arrange get togethers etc).

@JustDanceAddict it is hard when everyone has their own stuff going on. I've been trying to arrange drinks with two mum friends for about 2 months now and we're no closer to going than we were before I suggested it.

When I think about it, I have a history of just giving up trying after a while. I mean this in such a way that I will always make the effort for a period of time and then when I get nothing back or it's just constantly me making a one way effort I think "what's the point?". I don't know if this is a personality failing on my part or a sensible way of ensuring I don't get taken for granted - either way the outcome is once again feeling lonely or unwanted or lost - whichever word you apply.

@GiveMummyTheWhizzer - it’s hard when friends won’t commit or you can’t find a good ‘date’. Tbh I’ve had some health issues recently and other stressors so I’ve put people off a bit because I haven’t been in a mentally sound place to meet and haven’t told most people the full extent of the issues. I have also found that since covid people prioritise a lot more, and some friendships have fallen by the wayside (ones more of convenience cos you have mutuals or your kids were friends at school).
I’ve always made a supreme effort but now I only do this when it’s reciprocated- either by WhatsApp or meeting properly.

I really can relate to a lot of the posts here.

I often feel lonely. I feel like I'm the one who is always asking after others, trying to support friends and colleagues, and yet very rarely does anyone do the same for me.

I feel I have a few very important people in my life, and yet they are more important to me than I am to them.

I feel it more as my kids are into early adulthood... I have always put them before me, and now I can see that I have made a mistake in that, because I don't really know who I am without them.

Sending hugs to others feeling similar. X

@Chimchar thanks. I understand how you feel.