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Original poster

Why no interest from the opposite sex?

42 replies

Messangel · 10/09/2022 08:25

Not me though, my 20 yo DD.

She is tall (6ft), slim, pretty with a great smile. Outgoing and chatty.
(obviously I'm totally biased but am trying to temper my bias here). She's in University and has a good group of friends (mostly male because her girl friends are all in serious relationships).

She is dispirited about this and I don't know what to say to comfort her.

She doesn't send a lot of time at home in our small, rural village but at her uni in a city. She spent summer in another city where she socialised loads and met lots of people but no one showed interest.

She says on two occasions friends were approached by guys and said: i have a bf but have you met MiniMess here? To which, on both occasions, they looked her up and down and said no thanks!

She says oh, I look like a guy (she doesn't!) I'm too tall (she is not freakishly tall). I can't think of anything she can do to change this. She did meet a guy last year in uni but he was horrible to her and broke her heart, she says she made all the moves towards him so she's obviously no shy. There has been no interest from anyone since she says.

Any advice? Similar stories with a happy ending?

She is happy in her herself but feels like everyone seems to have people interested in them but no one ever in her.

OP posts:
Y7drama · 10/09/2022 08:27

I’m sorry Op, so hard when your dc’s are unhappy. I expect she’s now building it up in her head, and putting more pressure on herself which doesn’t help. Maybe she could join more uni clubs and meet people with similar interests. Maybe more shallow men are intimidated by her height?

CuriousMariette · 10/09/2022 08:35

I’ve had conversations with DH about this before, a lot of nice lads are still quite insecure, it’s possible they think DD is TOO pretty to be in their “league” for want of a better description. Often the prettiest ones are the ones that get approached less. Your post has reminded me of some of the agonies of being young!

KangarooKenny · 10/09/2022 08:39

Maybe it’s because she’s spending a lot of time with her male friends. Other males might be put off by that, or assume she’s not available to them.

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Octomore · 10/09/2022 08:45

The example with her friends pointing men in her direction is a bad one, because surely she wouldn't want her friends rejects anyway? Also, they approached because they fancy the friend, that doesn't mean they are up for going out with any other random woman. If you approached a guy and he said "no, but how about my mate?", you'd say no, wouldn't you?

The tall thing can be an issue. I'm tall (not quite as tall as your DD), and it can intimidate some men. It weeds out the pathetic ones!

I agree that having mainly male friends might be an issue too. A man is probably less likely to approach someone surrounded by other men.

Octomore · 10/09/2022 08:47

Tbf, if I was her I'd ask my female friends to stop doing that "no, but what about my friend?" thing. It's not appropriate and isn't going to lead to anything good.

Who would even want to date someone who asked out their friend first? It's a recipe for insecurity.

GreenClock · 10/09/2022 08:51

It may be assumed that one of the male friends is a boyfriend.

Is she comfortable in her height? Some very tall girls and women can stoop or look awkward because they are self conscious. This is unattractive.

Many men would find model-type women intimidating.

RudsyFarmer · 10/09/2022 08:57

My only thoughts are her height. Some men have this fixation on petite women or thic women. Im
absolutely sure as she gets older this just won’t be an issue. Trying to date in late teens/early twenties is such a different world than mid to late twenties/early thirties.

Icecreamandapplepie · 10/09/2022 08:59

I'm tall, 5.10" and was never ever short of male attention. There are loads of men who like tall girls!

I agree with a pp, when you're tall you have to stand up straight and look confident. If you're stopped or look ashamed of your height, that isn't attractive.

She just needs to be herself and get on with her life, not worrying about findinga man. That too is attractive. It's quite unusual at that age for so many of a friendship group to be settled in serious relationships, and that probably isn't helping her outlook.

Octomore · 10/09/2022 09:02

She just needs to be herself and get on with her life, not worrying about finding a man. That too is attractive.

I agree with this.

MissyCooperismyShero · 10/09/2022 09:07

I'm sorry to say it will be her height. Just like loads of women wouldn't date a man shorter than themselves it goes the other way for lots of men. And most men are not six ft. Obviously not everyone feels like this and I hope some lucky chap soon finds your lovely girl.

Cakeonthefloor · 10/09/2022 09:12

I am 6 foot, I had no shortage of male admirers in my youth although only equally tall ones. My 5 foot 11 daughter had no problem finding a boyfriend either.

CormoranStrike · 10/09/2022 09:16

We had a very pretty, but quite shy, girl at school. I met her in the pub years later and she told me men never asked her out.

Her good looks put some men off, her reserved air put others off.

She said one man told her she was an “ice queen” and that phrase stuck with me. She was quite dispirited by it all.

Idontknowwhatto · 10/09/2022 09:20

This was me. I knew I was pretty at the time but couldn't understand why nobody was ever interested in me.

My mum could see what was happening and explained that my friends all had a kind of sex appeal that I didn't have. They had model figures, had long hair, walked with a kind of confidence I didn't have, wore clothes that I couldn't ba e got away with wearing and just general had much more sex appeal than me. She said that I had a kind of classic beauty instead that would stand me good stead as I got older. I can't judge one way or another whether my mother was right about her perception of my looks, but the older I got, the more male attention I got for sure. I'm now happily married so it all worked out.

It's frustrating at the time, but her time will come when boys her age will grow up and see her differently. In the meantime, she should just get on with enjoying her life unencumbered and make sure that she doesn't lower her standards due to loneliness. My mother gave me an incredibly positive internal dialogue that gave me a great source of strength in those intermittent years.

hewouldwouldnthe · 10/09/2022 09:33

I'd be inclined to think they were intimidated by her and thought she was out of their league. Attractive, tall, confident may be too much for a younger man lacking in confidence. She just needs to meet and mix with both sexes and eventually one will realise she just like every other girl.

ZealAndArdour · 10/09/2022 09:43

I kind of relate to this OP, I’m 6ft. I always felt too tall and not girlie enough in comparison to my tiny friends when I was younger, but I think there must have been something in the way I was holding myself and my lack of confidence, or the pool of eligible bachelors my age didn’t yet have the confidence to step away from the “tiny, blonde girl” stereotype that they’d been conditioned to believe was the prize girlfriend, and actually date who they wanted or found attractive.

As I’ve got older and felt more confident there is no shortage of interest, and I get double takes walking into a room all the time. I wear platform heels with pride. I now see the fact that I’m not attractive to the lowest common denominator of man as a bonus. I also think those first impressions of “Ohhh, very intimidating tall girl” start to disappear once you get to know people, if she’s in a larger mixed group of friends eventually everyone will just see who she is and not the fact that she’s so tall. A lot of men do feel intimidated and emasculated by very tall women, but that’s their problem, not mine or your daughters or any other tall woman, it’s a very easy screening process for those men who are likely to have issues with their self worth and confidence, and have to try and assert themselves negatively in other ways I.e. short man syndrome, etc.

Hilariously, one very short man once beckoned me down to his level in a busy club so that he could shout in my ear “I’m into some of that Nicole Kidman/Tom Cruise shit, if you are?!” 😂😂😂 Reader, I was not into it.

felulageller · 10/09/2022 09:49

It will be her height.

Men are such gits, they don't want a gf taller than them.

My DS is over 6ft but wouldn't want a gf taller than 5'9!!!

Icecreamandapplepie · 10/09/2022 09:59

@felulageller

Maybe true for your son, but not all men, believe me! Read previous posts from tall women who have had lots of attention from men.

Octomore · 10/09/2022 10:13

I'm tall and had lots of male attention. I was pretty confident and outgoing though. I've always stood up straight and owned my height.

I very rarely had attention from shorter men though, so make of that what you will. I think the pool of men prepared to approach me was probably smaller than if I were 5'6".

Octomore · 10/09/2022 10:15

The positive thing about it is that the eejits like felulageller's son rule themselves out at an early stage. I wouldn't have wanted to date the kind of pathetic specimen who was insecure about my height.

Original poster
Messangel · 10/09/2022 10:49

I'm so disappointed that the general consensus is her height (having spent the past 6 years assuring her that her height is fabulous!)

She is confident and has good posture. She was the tallest in her class and the boys would pick on her about that so I spent a lot of time ensuring she stood up straight and being positive about it.

I will assure her that it is probably an age thing. She is not obsessed with finding a man though yes, the friends in a marriage-type relationship is bizarre and I do not understand it but it seems to be an epidemic in her circles. She's not even that keen on having a boyfriend just a bit dented at the lack of interest.

OP posts:
Original poster
Messangel · 10/09/2022 10:52

Zeal she would say the "tiny blonde girl" stereotype of the perfect girl is alive and kicking. That these are the types even her friends go for. She thinks life would be easier if she was petite.

And what a waste it is to wish you were different in a way you cannot change 🙁

OP posts:
ZealAndArdour · 10/09/2022 11:06

Messangel · 10/09/2022 10:52

Zeal she would say the "tiny blonde girl" stereotype of the perfect girl is alive and kicking. That these are the types even her friends go for. She thinks life would be easier if she was petite.

And what a waste it is to wish you were different in a way you cannot change 🙁

These boys will grow up though and develop their own unique preferences and she will be the apple of many eyes.

If I think back to the type of men I was interested in back in my very early 20’s, its vastly different now, I could turn myself inside out with revulsion at some of them, and it’s the same for the opposite sex.

Perhaps she needs to broaden her friendship group and get some friends who aren’t so set on the traditional path. There must be some single girls at her uni who she can go out and have fun with? Instead of hanging around with loads of couples, she also needs to sack off that friend who keeps offering her up as a consolation prize, that’s shitty behaviour. It’s insulting that her friend thinks she’d be a willing recipient of literally any man who approaches them.

Octomore · 10/09/2022 11:23

If I think back to the type of men I was interested in back in my very early 20’s, its vastly different now, I could turn myself inside out with revulsion at some of them, and it’s the same for the opposite sex.

Yes!

Octomore · 10/09/2022 11:25

But her height is fabulous! She will be striking in a way that those petite blonde girls are unlikely to be. Once she hits her stride and finds her own style, she will not be short of admirers.

Tall and striking looking women also age very well as they get older

Octomore · 10/09/2022 11:27

she also needs to sack off that friend who keeps offering her up as a consolation prize, that’s shitty behaviour. It’s insulting that her friend thinks she’d be a willing recipient of literally any man who approaches them

100% agree with this. That friend isn't doing it to be nice, they are doing it to try to demonstrate their own superiority. It's shitty behaviour.