Ex got a solicitor to write (continued)….

[Piedsta]

I can’t link my thread and have now given up. Late in pregnancy and ex hasn’t spoken for 2 months despite me (VERY pleasantly) trying to talk about matters. Suddenly get letter from solicitor saying he wants paternity test immediately and if he’s the father he will discuss other matters via his solicitor and that he wants to be on birth certificate etc in that situation. I thought we were in a committed relationship so paternity test was a surprise but I replied saying I wanted to know his broad proposals first via a conversation between ourselves on text so I could know he was prepared to be amicable and then I would do the test. Also flagged i could just do this by cms if not. All I really want to know from him is whether he wants a relationship with dc so I can be prepared. it’s been a week and I’ve been anxious waiting for reply. Nothing. Do you think he’s gone away now? It’s been horrible and stressful and I genuinely wish I’d never met him.

If he disputes paternity, the CMS will ask for a test in order to to process a claim.

He can't apply for contact until the baby is born and if things aren't amicable, he will prefer doing the opposite of what you want and surprising you with a Child Arrangement Order application.

When the baby is born, apply for CMS and he can do a paternity test with an official company. If he's proven not to be the father then he'll get his money back but I read on here that it costs £150

Did you post as Jetadl or similar? I was on that thread so I'm sure I can find it if you want to link.

Assuming you are the same person, I think the advice continues - ignore his threats etc. If he has issues with whether o not he is the father, he can apply for a paternity test after the baby has been born. If he's not willing to agree financials between you, then you can and should go to CMS and ask for them to sort it.

As for engaging with the baby and being part of it's life - he is avoiding committing because it's a great way to control you and keep you on edge. Assume for now that no, he will not be part of the baby's life. even if he wants to be, in the beginning, this will have to be limited as a newborn needs to be with you more. Consider, if you feel like it, what sort of role you would be willing/happy for him to have so that if and when he does finally come to you, you've already thought about what YOU want.

Then settle in and try to relax in the last few weeks of your pregnancy.

I think that you should assume that he won't want to discuss things until after the baby is born. He will enjoy the fact that you're begging him to talk.

Try not to worry about this.

Go to CMS when they baby is born. Make your appointment to register your baby - if he wants to do a declaration of paternity after he’s done his test then he can do the organising for that.

You don’t need to dance to his tune if he’s being difficult.

Also if he insists on everything through his solicitor just do that - if he wants to waste money then let him. Send your replies to them and they can deal with him.

I wouldn't read anything in to his current silence.

Ball is in his court, doesn't matter how long he takes over playing it.

If he does not want to discuss anything until after paternity test, then that's fine, really it is. Just test at a time convenient to you after the birth

I would not give him legal Parental Responsibility until after the conversations that you quite reasonably want to have about the future. Putting him on the birth certificate would give him PR - it's not just about genealogy these days, it's the formal legal record of who has PR and the rights that allow them to discharge that responsibility).

Thanks, it’s been so stressful. I feel like he’s painted out relationship as something it was not too. Suggesting paternity test is just so disgusting, we were in a committed relationship, so I thought. However I would do it if he simply told me his general intentions. He doesn’t seem to want to do that though so has gone quiet.

He's done all of this via a solicitor, when he could have just messaged you? This would tell me, that he doesn't want anything to do with you, only the baby (if it's his). Think I'd ignore him and get on with it. If you want maintenance after the baby's born, do the test. But I wouldn't bother with him, at all now.

@Beautiful3 yes I was under the impression we were in a committed relationship but clearly not. I just want him out of my life but would like to know what his intention is with the baby.

Why did you split up? @Piedsta

Your desire to know is perfectly reasonable. But this man is NOT reasonable. You need to accept that and stop waiting for him to tell you what he has decided. You decide what you want and what you think is fair and either tell him OR just know what your lines are. Assume that he will not be involved, will not be reliable etc. That way you won't be surprised and disappointed.

@doitwithlove he was behaving really strangely and drink driving. I couldn’t handle it and we had huge rows. @MsMarch yeah. It’s so hard :( I feel like he’s just continuing to bully me. I know it’s for me to cut the tie I just so want to know what’s going on. It’s hard.

Hi I read your earlier thread and this could have been word for word my life. Ex left when I was 16 weeks pregnant, vanished then I received solicitors letters every 2 days for 10 days before my due date. I followed advice on mumsnet, didnt put him on birth cert as he didnt make contact until baby was 3 weeks old. Baby is now 6 months, he sees her three times a week for 3 hours each time. He submitted application to court when she was 3 weeks old and it got granted last week that he has every other week (despite breastfeeding, living 3 hours away, and being a horrible human being). My heart is broken, and I'm not saying this to scare you but please get legal advice. A lot of posters provided lovely supportive comments, but the courts viewed things very differently in reality. They admitted he was using court to control me, but our daughter has equal right to both parents. I allowed him all the contact he wanted, bent over backwards, never saying no as I was so scared of him...and it still went to cack! Sending a huge supportive hug and look after yourself xx

@HocusPocus03 hi thanks so much for posting. I honestly was amazed he has done this. What did your solicitor letters say, asking about finance etc too? Did you make a cms claim?

what access does he have now? Every other weekend? I have been so so so reasonable and said please let’s just talk but he won’t. I didn’t want to stand in his way of being a dad but as he’s not communicating amicably directly I don’t feel I can agree anything. I replied saying I wanted a text conversation first between us about arrangements and since then heard nothing. Did yours get in touch with you after three weeks or did you just hear from court? It’s all so dramatic isn’t it. So sorry you’ve had a similar experience. Why did you break up? It seems odd for him to leave you pregnant and then suddenly want involvement. I’m worried about that too. Sorry for rambling message my head is all over the place.

Hi

Completely understand where you are coming from. I was so stressed and was hospitalised in the final 7 days of pregnancy due to stress and needing monitoring. The solicitors emails still came, and my solicitor had written to them twice to tell them I was high risk.

He was demanding overnight stays, wider family contact and to never see me. I dont know why we broke up, he went out to work one morning and didnt return. I got told he had moved back in with his parents and to not contact him, so hurt and baffled and I still have no answers.

At three weeks he turned up to visit and we agreed the 3 x 3 hour visits. That was on the Monday, by Friday I had the court documents. Absolutely baffled.

The new arrangement starting from this Monday is a week with me, a week with him. I'm still in shock and feeling sick.

Mumsnet posters told me he wouldn't get overnight before 18 months, that contact should be little and often, to be seen as reasonable, to document his abusive behaviour and unreasonable ness etc it meant diddly squat in court. I was reprimanded for only offering 3 x 3 hours per week and it went straight to 50/50 despite the travel and that I breastfeed. My little one will be formula fed from next week as ex lives too far away. There has been no consideration from the courts about her best interests and I feel thoroughly let down and cheated. I'm on maternity too, so as of next week will sit at home without my baby for 2 weeks per month.

Is this the doctor? Where you were both behaving pretty badly? I only ask because if the relationship broke down that much, it's unrealistic to expect to have reasonable conversations. Formal conversations via email, possibly via a solicitor, is probably not a bad idea at this point.

@HocusPocus03

That is absolutely appalling. I am so sorry. Did you have a good lawyer?

Hi
I thought so, paid a lot of money, credentials were good but they just said the system is against mothers from the off so we have to play the game.. so I have no idea. It has been traumatizing and not coping great to be honest. Feel so guilty I have let down my child and she will feel abandoned!

No advice as such, but I would be very wary of putting him on the birth certificate, especially if he has links to abroad (you didn't mention he did, but even an uncle or brother or cousin abroad etc). A close friend from uni was in a similar situation - broke up whilst pregnant, it was a complete shock as they'd been together in, what she presumed was, a committed relationship for nearly 6 years, it was a wanted pregnancy etc.
He wanted putting on the birth certificate which she obliged to do, only to find out that he was planning on basically kidnapping their child and going to his uncle's house in The Gambia and living there with his parents and sister joining them a few months later! Technically as his name was on the birth certificate it wouldn't be queried by the airline/immigration etc. A word of warning!

I'm so sorry @HocusPocus03

That is terrible. I cannot believe that they would remove a bf baby from a mother for a WEEK at a time. Appalling. Absolutely appalling.

What is your ex partner doing for work when he has baby?

I read your previous thread, of course he should be asking for a paternity test, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that especially when you consider the numbers of men who aren't the father when they thought they were.
Just wait till child is born then do the test. Assume he will be of no assistance until he confirms he is the father then go from there.
For your own peace of mind stop contacting about it now until you inform him the baby is here.

Hi

He is a personal instructor, he used to work for a gym chain but believe he is doing private one to ones and boot camps, no idea what he is doing in terms of being at work or getting people in for the business

Good God Hocuspocus03 taking an EBF baby away from his/her mother for a week?
What the almighty???
That's horrific!!!
What if your darling baby doesn't accept formula feeding?
What sort of shitbag would do this? What sort of mysoginistic judge even allows it?

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. One of the worst things I have read in a long time. 😥

You don’t have to do anything while you’re pregnant. He has no rights at all, and given he’s being a controlling ass I wouldn’t let him bother you. When baby is born then do a paternity test and go from there. But I would suggest you get an order that states the child lives with you and he can’t just come along and take them without arrangement. Only do that if you feel like you need to, not to stop contact between them but to protect you from his controlling ways.