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Original poster

Year 7 DD invited to new friend's house after school would you be ok with this?

74 replies

Goldenbear · 06/09/2022 17:28

My year 7 DD has made some new friends who sound friendly and kind, one of the girls has invited her and another girl to her home tomorrow after school would you be ok with this? My concerns are that she doesn't have her mobile phone number so I'm unsure if her parents are ok with this, I don't know anything about the parents and it is quite a bit further from the school than our house so I'm worried about that new experience. I have a year 11 son and as he goes to the park with friends and that is the direction of DD's friend's house, I was thinking of asking him to vaguely see where she goes, he said that is 'weird behaviour'. He said he'd collect her but not stalk her! Alternatively, I could probably get back from work to drop them all at the house- is this overkill?

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 06/09/2022 18:56

I would have her ask the other child for her home address including area code tomorrow in school and send it to you during lunch hour. You need to know exactly where to collect her and it has to be at a house not outside the park etc. As she is making new friends it's good to set guidelines from the start
When my dcs went to other people's houses or kids came here l always spoke to parents up to about age 14. And regularly other parents texted or called me. And older if it was a sleepover.

Washermother33 · 06/09/2022 19:00

I would ask her to give her friend your number tonight so her mum can text you at least to confirm it’s ok and so you’ve had some interaction …

TeenDivided · 06/09/2022 19:00

Agree with others, she needs to text you the address before she leaves school.
Also chat with her to let her know what to do if she feels at all uncomfortable (e.g. large scary dog, older brothers smoking dope in the house) etc.

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RaininSummer · 06/09/2022 19:07

Well I wouldn't be happy about it if you don't know where she's going or any way of contacting the parents as she is only 11 not 14. You don't know this girl or her family set up at all.

passport123 · 06/09/2022 19:08

Flockameanie · 06/09/2022 17:37

No, I wouldn’t let my 7yo go to someone’s house if I’d never met or communicated with the parents and had no means of getting in touch with them or vice versa

Ask DD to ask her friend for her parent’s number to pass on to you (or write a note to the parents for DD to pass on via friend) and arrange it for a later date.

year 7, not seven years old

TheEggChair · 06/09/2022 19:11

I'm in a similar position but luckily the girls are meeting at the local waffle place. I've met a few of the parents at pick up time & have swapped numbers. Will now be happy for her to go to a house after school now. Can you do a similar thing as it's a good halfway arrangement.

carefullycourageous · 06/09/2022 19:13

In Y7 and so early in the year I would want some contact with the parent, actually. Just to check they know it is happening and what time to collect. I wouldn't need a full pre-visit inspection in secondary Grin

carefullycourageous · 06/09/2022 19:14

Washermother33 · 06/09/2022 19:00

I would ask her to give her friend your number tonight so her mum can text you at least to confirm it’s ok and so you’ve had some interaction …

Precisely this. This is pretty uncontroversial IMO.

Oblomov22 · 06/09/2022 19:16

Of course. It's fine. Your dd has a phone so is contactable.

Oblomov22 · 06/09/2022 19:18

Why are you being OTT though? You need to address your anxiety before it starts doing your dd damage. Speak to your GP?

CoolerThanIceCream · 06/09/2022 19:20

Download the Life360 app, and you’ll be able to see where she is.

SpringCalling · 06/09/2022 19:21

Wow I'm still going on the bus and back with DD who's just started Y7. Planning to gradually let her go on own from next week, but wow I'd need more info on the address etc at the moment!

carefullycourageous · 06/09/2022 19:22

Oblomov22 · 06/09/2022 19:18

Why are you being OTT though? You need to address your anxiety before it starts doing your dd damage. Speak to your GP?

Oh yes, anyone who thinks anything even slightly different to @Oblomov22 needs to see their GP Hmm

There is a range of normal and having some contact with the other parent on the first occasion, plus getting the address, is pretty ordinary.

Round here the police push very hard for parents to know where their kids are.

Johnnysgirl · 06/09/2022 19:23

Goldenbear · 06/09/2022 17:50

It seems I'm being over protective and slightly irrational which is unusual for me but how about if something is wrong from the outset? I don't have location tracker as she has always been collected by me or with me or her brother.

What do you imagine might be wrong? She's not walking into a lion's den, it's the home of one of her classmates.

carefullycourageous · 06/09/2022 19:23

CoolerThanIceCream · 06/09/2022 19:20

Download the Life360 app, and you’ll be able to see where she is.

Tracking your kid is weirder than just getting the address IMO

carefullycourageous · 06/09/2022 19:27

Johnnysgirl · 06/09/2022 19:23

What do you imagine might be wrong? She's not walking into a lion's den, it's the home of one of her classmates.

Show quote history

I think 'they are in my kid's class' is meaningless. There are some families at my kid's school who I would not want to send my kids to, because I know what goes on in their home.

Original poster
Goldenbear · 06/09/2022 19:29

WonderingWanda, no, definitely not a sleepover, I think Smartipants79 has articulated my worries on this, I suppose it is vague and the plans need to be concrete as it can go wrong foor my DD with new found independence, like yesterday I asked 15 year old DS to walk home with her but he checked she was OK at the school gate and then went to the park, she was fine walking home but couldn’t get her newly cut key to work so had to wait for only 10 mins but still for me to arrive home. Another example of how easily confused they get at this age is last week she went around the shopping centre with her primary school friend for the first time and her friend asked me if like the cash machine if there was a coin machine that converted £1s back to notes, DD agreed but to be fair they don't really use cash it was birthdday money.

With sending her brother along it was more a vague look out as they go across the park to get to this girl's house nd DS would be heading that way to play football but tbh he isn't going to have anymore clue of the home as he would say goodbye to her at the park. Tbh he won't doo it anyway as I suppose it is peculiar.

OP posts:
carefullycourageous · 06/09/2022 19:33

@Goldenbear Just set your rules and stick to them. Your options include things like:
-your DD has to give you the address in advance
-your DD has to give you a parents' number and you speak beforehand (maybe just first time at a new place)
-your DD has to have her phone on all the time and call you when she gets there

I thinking sending her brother is unfair on both of them - you need to just pick your rules and stick to them. There is a range of normal parental behaviour, but you are her parent and it is up to you.

Johnnysgirl · 06/09/2022 19:37

carefullycourageous · 06/09/2022 19:27

I think 'they are in my kid's class' is meaningless. There are some families at my kid's school who I would not want to send my kids to, because I know what goes on in their home.

Show quote history

Fair enough.

noclothesinbed · 06/09/2022 19:38

Download life 360 app it's brilliant you can see where they are. I e just used it to see where my daughters are as it's getting a bit late. They are in oxford street ! Part of going to secondary school is letting them have their little bit of independence. Really important you let her go a bit now and make new friends

Ihaveamagicwand · 06/09/2022 19:44

I agree with the advice given by carefullycourageous and Margaretthursday. I remember my first experience of this extremely well. You are not being OTT about this just a concerned responsible parent.

I always told mine that they only had to phone me and I would pick them up no questions asked. They always had a code word to use or a stock phrase if they were out for the evening as they got older.

So deep breath, you have bought your DD up to have your values and judgement for the first 11yrs of her life, now you need to decide whether you can trust that judgement in her.

It’s scary stuff OP. It’s not always difficult situations with other adults that you need to put your big girl pants on for.

Original poster
Goldenbear · 06/09/2022 19:52

carefullycouragous, I'm not trying to be unfair on DS but he offered to walk with DD for school and he thought I was ridiculous letting her go to shopping centre last week, he said she looks like a 9 year old (she is small and slight) and you just don't see dc that age walking around shops on their own. He is quite protective but he's also 15 so is pretty interested in his own needs now soon has started and has not walked with her. You are right though I need too set the parameters.

Well I can imagine things that might go wrong in me homes if I think about some of the primary school parents and their occupations- i can't elaborate as it is criminal in 2 cases and it is not appropriate.

Yes, I'm fearless in some aspects of my life and wouldn't say I was plagued with anxiety that is GP worthy but my Mum has terrible anxiety over this sort of thing as a stranger did walk her out of a big city art gallery where her Mum was working in the 1950s, she was wondering around on her own as it was thee school holidays, the police were involved and retrieved her (I know strange coincidence as said friend lives near a small art gallery). I think she did make us way more aware of things going wrong with strangers than your average Joe!

DD has just told me that her friend is not allowed a phone so she can't text her tonight. However, I suppose she will have hers and can text me the address at lunchtime.

DH just text and thinks she should get to know a bit first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldenbear · 06/09/2022 19:58

When I say, 'criminal' i mean done and dusted but it is complicated on these families.

Instinctively I know it will be ok and it was the thing I was hoping for - friends for DD as her friendship group have gone to a different school or private and she is not friends with the people who have come from her primary school. We didn't choose this but have the lottery system for schools where we live.

OP posts:
Original poster
Goldenbear · 06/09/2022 20:00

Ihaveamagicwand very good point about judgement and values I've brought her up with.

OP posts:
carefullycourageous · 06/09/2022 20:12

DD has just told me that her friend is not allowed a phone so she can't text her tonight. See, all families do things differently. So you are allowed to work out what is right for your family too. You and your DH just need to set your own standards.

I sometimes say to my kids 'I am going to say yes, but maybe not today' if something needs sorting first (e.g. arrangements).