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Original poster

How do I switch off from work? (Sensitive topic)

26 replies

Wombatbum · 03/09/2022 20:46

I work with disabled children, some are very poorly. It is likely (very sadly) that at some point in the near future that I will have to deal with losing one of them. It is beginning to affect my mental health worrying about this. I can’t switch off - when I’m not at work I’m thinking about work.

I just needed to get that out and wonder if anyone can help me with any coping strategies?

OP posts:
Longlurker1 · 03/09/2022 20:55

I don't work in the same field as you but I also have had difficulties leaving work in work. Not sure there is a magic bullet to fix it. Waking up in the early hours with work issue on your mind is awful..

What has helped us keeping busy with other stuff when at home. Also keeping a list of work things that need to be done - almost trying to empty my head of the things that need to be worried about. Doesn't always work but it helps..

Change12345 · 03/09/2022 20:58

That sounds really challenging. How long have you been in the role? Did something happen that triggered you being unable to switch off? When you can’t switch off, is there something specific you are thinking about, e.g one patient, how much there is to do, worrying about going back in?

Exasperatednow · 03/09/2022 20:58

Do you have any type of supervision in place - like clinical supervision? If you do then this would be helpful..

BCBird · 03/09/2022 21:00

A friend of mine is in a similar situation. I have asked her to find out if there is any support available in the work place. Grief or the anticipation of it will play on your mind. If there is nothing available through work, are you in a union you could approach for support? I hope you get some help.

SunsetandCupcakes · 03/09/2022 21:03

I lost my child, it was/is people like you that makes it manageable. Having someone other than the family that loves and cares for your child means more than the world.

I think you need to focus on the good that you do, and know that you make their lives better. I appreciate that is will not be that easy in practice, definitely see a professional to talk it through, but from the bottom of my heart thank you.

dontgobaconmyheart · 03/09/2022 21:04

Is there no support available within the workplace for this scenario?

Anticipatory grief and of course grieving in general are hugely difficult things to go through. What a hard job OP, and what a contribution you must be making to these children's lives. With that said you need to keep yourself afloat and be able to recuperate and enjoy your rest time, it's so important.

Would you consider calling Cruse Bereavement (or similar) on their helpline? They would be very willing and able to offer help with how you're feeling, what to expect and coping techniques to manage.

Original poster
Wombatbum · 03/09/2022 21:06

Without being too outing, it’s an educational setting, been there a while and have struggled to switch off but not about anything overly serious before. I haven’t worked with the poorly ones closely until this school year so it’s triggered all this and I’m feeling highly anxious. I’m already on tablets for anxiety. I think I need to speak to SLT but don’t want to seem weak.

OP posts:
Anunusualfamily · 03/09/2022 21:07

I’ve worked in a similar role and it can be very hard anticipating the death of a patient you’ve worked closely with. I would always tell console myself that I was doing the best that I could for that young person, making sure they were comfortable and enjoyed as much of their life as possible making every moment count.

Original poster
Wombatbum · 03/09/2022 21:08

SunsetandCupcakes · 03/09/2022 21:03

I lost my child, it was/is people like you that makes it manageable. Having someone other than the family that loves and cares for your child means more than the world.

I think you need to focus on the good that you do, and know that you make their lives better. I appreciate that is will not be that easy in practice, definitely see a professional to talk it through, but from the bottom of my heart thank you.

I’m so sorry to hear that x

I do love and care for them all very much, and I do love my job ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
Wombatbum · 03/09/2022 21:11

@dontgobaconmyheart thank you I’m going to speak to someone at work next week I think and make them aware of how I’m feeling and see if they can help/signpost me

OP posts:
SunsetandCupcakes · 03/09/2022 21:18

Sorry, reading my message I seem to be dismissing your issues, I certainly didn't mean it like that. You need to look after yourself, asking for help on here and irl is so important.

Original poster
Wombatbum · 03/09/2022 21:22

Sunset, I didn’t get that from you at all please don’t worry 😘

I seem to feel all emotions very intensely, and while that can be a good thing, sometimes it’s not!

OP posts:
Declutternutter · 03/09/2022 21:29

I worked in a school up until last year. When I struggled with anxiety/depression my business manager pointed me to a counselling service that's there for people that work in education. The help was there for those struggling with the role or their personal lives. I would have though your setting would have something similar for you to explore. I actually managed to get some help from my GP so didn't need the other help offered from the school.

I was offered a job last year in a similar setting to one you currently work in, working with late teens with various health conditions. I turned down the role. I spent a day in the setting and the staff were truly truly amazing........ the young adults very special themselves..... I just couldn't get my head around how I would cope and knew I would bring that job home far too much and I wasn't strong enough to cope. It has been a big regret as I really wanted the job however I was honest enough with myself (thanks to the previous support I had) to realise I just couldn't do it.

Speak to the SLT, I'm sure they can signpost you to some help and get you some support. They will not want to lose a good member of staff! You are amazing and you do a wonderful job. I wish you all the best!

Declutternutter · 03/09/2022 21:33

Sorry I hope my post doesn't upset you further, I just wanted to get across that I think your feelings are perfectly normal for someone nice such a caring role. It takes a special person to do that role and I'm sure if you speak up there will bee some support there for you!

Declutternutter · 03/09/2022 21:34

And apologies for typos, my phone is not my friend..... I hope you get what I meant Blush

Exasperatednow · 03/09/2022 21:37

Wombatbum · 03/09/2022 21:06

Without being too outing, it’s an educational setting, been there a while and have struggled to switch off but not about anything overly serious before. I haven’t worked with the poorly ones closely until this school year so it’s triggered all this and I’m feeling highly anxious. I’m already on tablets for anxiety. I think I need to speak to SLT but don’t want to seem weak.

I would see this as a sign of strength not weakness.

Original poster
Wombatbum · 03/09/2022 21:40

Declutternutter · 03/09/2022 21:33

Sorry I hope my post doesn't upset you further, I just wanted to get across that I think your feelings are perfectly normal for someone nice such a caring role. It takes a special person to do that role and I'm sure if you speak up there will bee some support there for you!

Not at all, thank you. It is a very hard job to do but so massively rewarding as well. I genuinely can’t ever see me doing anything else but I know I’m not being the best I can be for my own children at home at the moment so something needs to change x

OP posts:
SpiritedSneeze · 03/09/2022 21:44

Its so hard, I work in a school for children with PMLD, I worked very closely with children who died. Some were anticipated and some were a shock- it doesn't tend to get easier.

What helped me, was when I couldn't switch off from thinking about it all, was using that time to plan or make some little resources for the children that I knew they would like.
So for a lass who liked feathers and watching lights move and who liked Bluey, I sat and made a mobile to hang off an A-frame with feathers and sparkly streamers, fairy lights, laminated pictures of the Bluey characters and little mirrors to reflect it. I spent the time thinking about her and all the happy parts of her life and reminding myself of how lucky I and everyone around her was to get to know her.
I hung the mobile up for her the next school day, near the fan so it wiggled in the light for her and watching her smile at it was so lovely. I couldn't stop myself from thinking about them- so I allowed myself the time to do that and made it productive. That sort of helped.

It is the worst thing when children die, and its so so sad.
I know that loving those children made me better at my job, it made me focus on making the most out of every moment with them and working to make sure that as much time as possible that they spent at the school, was happy and comfortable and as good as it could be, because we knew how brief the time could be.

Flossieskeeper · 03/09/2022 21:47

Do you have clinical supervision at work? Time to help you express your feelings.
also look up burn out- there are strategies for helping you avoid it. Sadly If you don’t teach yourself how to turn off you do end up burned out eventually. It should be part of the training and given more prominence but it isn’t.

I’ve done a lot of palliative care nursing over the years- for me what helps is knowing I’ve done my best to facilitate a quality of life and a “good” death. However… don’t ask me to watch sad films or dwell on sad situations in the world. I don’t have the emotional reserves to do that anymore.

SkyLarkDescending · 03/09/2022 21:56

Check if your setting has a 'mental health first aider'. They are trained to signpost you for further help and support.

Sounds strange, but look in the staff toilets at work, you will often find well-being posters with numbers for helplines especially tailored to your workplace.

Search online for your local authority name plus 'well-being support' or 'mental health' you should find resources there too.

It sounds like you are such a compassionate person and I think most people would find your situation very hard. I think talking through these feelings, even just to air them will really help you to process what's happening.

Feetache · 03/09/2022 22:05

I work in a role where death happens. Try and reframe how you think of death. We all die at some point. Tragically some early.
Focus on the huge positive difference you can and do make whilst they are with you. Then if they pass, you have peace knowing you made their life happier.

Original poster
Wombatbum · 03/09/2022 22:17

@SpiritedSneeze that sounds amazing and something I could really do for them - thank you so much 🥰

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 03/09/2022 22:19

Cardio. Really hard cardio. It always clears my head. I don't work with the same group that you do, but I do work with the public. It just gives you a mood boost so you don't get quite so down.

Original poster
Wombatbum · 03/09/2022 22:20

I will research the well-being things, thank you. I definitely don’t want to burn out. We don’t seem to get any supervisions/appraisals.

OP posts:
klipwa · 03/09/2022 22:38

I work in a different type of role, but one where we sometimes have to give the worst news to people.

I manage by remembering that I can't change what is happening. That my role is to support them at their worst moment, but their tragedy is not mine as I get to go home to my family.

Learning how to care without burning yourself out is key so seek out supervision or talking therapy to support yourself.