I can't help but procrastinate and it's ruining my life

[nogella]

Well, if not ruining then making it harder than it needs to be.

It doesn't matter what it is. It'll go something like this -

I'm aware in advanced something needs doing (even something that'll benefit me greatly).

I want to do it, I have a voice (not an actual voice but you know what I mean), almost screaming at me that if needs to get done, why aren't you doing it? Why are you delaying things? Why can't you just get on with it?

But I just... freeze. I end up doing something else, unable to commit to the task. and then I know time is running out.

And I do the task. But then I have horrific time management. Even with alarms. I know I have x amount of time to do something. I work best with a timer. But then I'll do it, aim to leave the house as it's complete, and think 'oh I'll just do this quickly'. I know I shouldn't but I underestimate how long a task takes realistically and I get sidetracked constantly. And I end up being bloody late! And I feel awful. The self hatred is immense. Why am I late? I set out with every intention of being on time

I seem to have such poor concept of time too.

To others I seem impeccably tidy. But there's always something not right. So if my house is spotless my car won't be. And there's always some sort of chaos going on due to demand avoidance

It's just awful and I keep beating myself up, but nothing I put in place is working

This isn't stuff I'm 'avoiding' and don't want to do either. It could be, for example, you need to book in for that pedicure before your child free time is up'. I know I need to do it, and I'll enjoy it, and it's to benefit me,'it's great. Yet still I put these things off until I call last minute and surprise surprise, no appointments

I don't know what's wrong with me!

I’ve got so many of these traits and am on the route for an adult ADHD diagnosis. You might want to read up on it and see if it resonates.

I completely understand how horrible it is. Try and give yourself a bit of a break.

Oh and I'm very good at focusing, so much so I become absorbed entirely by the task and neglect everything else whilst I'm absorbed in it

Routines are a must. My house is clean and tidy because I follow routine. I am familiar with the steps each time that it really helps avoid demand avoidance as it's familiar and repetitive

I use to think maybe Asperger's (not a diagnosis anymore I know).

My son is severely non verbal autistic

I am the same, and it is ruining my life. Its really overwhelming and stressful.

I haven't managed to get a cleaning routine, so am rushing about trying to get it done.

And then I leave it and have to get up at 6am to do it.

Its definitely demand avoidance with me.

No advice OP but just wanted to say I'm very similar so you're not alone and I also struggle with the effect it has on my life

Sounds like me. I have (severe, combined) ADHD.

The focus part sounds like hyperfocus - which is one of the few positives of ADHD. I can’t bring it on at will though, if that’s relevant? It tends to just either happen when it happens or it kicks in when I’m under pressure or randomly get super interested in something (not necessarily something constructive!).

Thank you 3 for sharing with me

Sorry you're experiencing similar. It's awful. I often think I'd be so much 'better' accomplishment wise if I didn't have this demand avoidance and awful procrastination

I was like it even in childhood, and have examples from my teens. I would be getting A* markings for essays, completely engrossed in them (hyper focused I suppose). Exams I did well. But if I dropped hyperfocusing, I fell off the ball. A great example is failing every single GCSE

Luckily I have the gift of the gab, and had a great career before DS. But meeting those demands and masking 24/7 sucked the life out of me. I settled into a deep depression of sadness and hopelessness. I could never get a 'grip' on life and what I wanted from it. I would lose focus and I'm either extremely well put together or a complete scatter brain

Thought I'd start this thread as surely it isn't normal?

It's miserable

Def try to get assessed for ADHD.

Try the How to ADHD youtube channel and see if anything there is helpful

I have similar challenges - i really sympathise

That's like me. I don't have any diagnosis but I can relate.

For example - Hear something interesting about some random historical figure. Let's say Henry Fielding (novelist). Next thing you know, I can tell you when he was born, Novel titles, year and cause of death. But I forget I had a really important phone call to make! Or I miss something ridiculous like an appointment I've had planned for weeks. I was too busy bloody researching something random and lost track of time and common sense

I can't bring it on at will either

Ironically I'm doing it right now. On this thread chatting. When I should be uploading documents online like I said I would to myself for weeks now, but keep bloody putting it off and I Don't know why!!

I know how relieved and good I'll feel when it's done. How accomplished I'll feel. I just don't understand. It's like I'm stuck in a fog of brain mud that I can't release from

It's ok, we can procrastinate on this thread together

On a lighter note, the latest casualty of my procrastination is my poor fringe... I failed for weeks to book in for a trim despite the hairdressers being quite literally at the end of the road, I got so sick of my fringe being in front of my eyes that I tried to cut it myself with nail scissors. It didn't end well at all!

OP - procrastination is usually caused by a feeling of vagueness/fear about a task which stops you being able to just dive in and get it done.
So, instead of starting to upload your documents, write yourself a quick tick list of al the documents you need to upload. Then say yourself ‘I’m going to do the first one’ and tick it off. Once you get started you’ll probably get the lot done. Or, as you work well with a timer, say ‘I’ve got eight items on my list, I’m going to see if I can do all of them in fifteen minutes.’

On the leaving on time thing, agree in your head that you’ll be leaving fifteen minutes earlier than you need to, and make that your goal. The. If you run over a few minutes it doesn’t matter.

I struggle with all the things you’ve described and I use these techniques to really help me.

ADHD comes with hyper focus so that’s not ruled out.

But whether you are diagnosed as having anything or not OP. You need to resist the urge to beat yourself up about it and work on figuring out what’s behind it and what you can do about it. That will be a process that takes time, which will be frustrating, but if you are angry with yourself it will be 10 times harder to carry that too. It isn’t your fault, some people are like this - it can be improved but you have to start from where you are.

On a lighter note, the latest casualty of my procrastination is my poor fringe... I failed for weeks to book in for a trim despite the hairdressers being quite literally at the end of the road, I got so sick of my fringe being in front of my eyes that I tried to cut it myself with nail scissors. It didn't end well at all!

No! It's like my bodge job nail polish job but worse

Well I don't if everyone! I don't know why but starting this thread pushed me to jump in and get the documents out

I've learned that if I trick myself into 'you just need to do 1 thing on that list', I end up doing the lot as I often end up hyper focused which is nice. But getting started! As they say, is the biggest hurdle

My mum strongly suspected Asperger's when I was little. Very rigid with routine. Couldn't skip my nighttime routine of shower, moisturiser and reading. I would be hysterical - nobody understood why as I was an unbelievably calm and 'grown up', well spoken child. Played alone until my secondary school years. I was known as the 'odd' one and always inappropriately smiley, but I was then able to mask what I was doing by age 11 and begged my mum to move schools. She did. And it mostly worked on a social front, I was just deemed a bit precocious

I've had to work on eye contact since I was little. I still cannot do it. I have to look at the persons eyebrows instead. Sometimes I forget to even do that and I know people can notice. It's usually if I've been around people socially for too long and the mask slips a bit without me knowing in the moment

I definitely think I'm quirky but come across to strangers as very put together and sleek in appearance. None of it really true

Sorry for the life story!

Severe combined ADHD and “high functioning” Autism here.

Get yourself to the Neurodiverse service in your area, pronto.

I’m the same and have seen ADHD mentioned on so many of these threads which makes me think I probably have a touch of it. I’ve also found in the last few years since having the kind of settled house, job, partner set up that I have been constantly focusing on one big thing til it passes then onto the next. It’s like a baby, a wedding, a big holiday and basically the next day I have another thing I want to move on to. I can’t just seem to stop and be happy plodding along with nothing happening. I totally do that thing of researching people in every show as well. I ask so many questions about things like that too. I’ve started my own business which requires me to check my phone (to see my website) quickly between orders but I find I am wasting sooo many hours every week because I can’t just go on and back off it. I think phones are the cause of a lot of these things 🤦🏼‍♀️

Definitely sounds like neurodiversity OP. I'm autistic and my DH ADHD and between us we have lots of the issues you mention.
It's never too late to go for a diagnosis. Good luck.

@nogella Really glad to see you managed to get the documents sorted!

I'm the same, OP. (Procrastinating right now.) ADHD.

I hear you OP - this is me, without the hyper focus on tasks. I research anything and everything though.

I have tried (and failed! I keep forgetting!) to make an appt with the GP to discuss getting assessed for ADHD or ADD because it’s getting worse and starting to affect me in a work capacity.

I procrastinate, especially with work tasks which I know I will have to send to work colleagues to read or review.
I know the reason I procrastinate is because I expect them to criticise my work and then reject me as that's how my mother treated me as a child.

I have a critical inner voice that says "you're a worthless, pathetic piece of sh!t".
Many, many years of therapy have helped softer this voice and how I respond to it.

I'm curious how so many people here seem to believe (or maybe want to believe) that their procrastination is the result of an inherited condition, ie ADHD, rather than patterns developed as a result of crap parenting in childhood/infancy.

I want to cry reading this, I feel like I've found my people! My demand avoidance and hyperfocus issues are just getting worse and worse, to the point that it's now causing serious legal issues for me and the people around me. It also makes me feel shit about myself. At this stage I don't know what to do - I'm not in the UK and getting a diagnosis and treatment is not going to be an option here but I am pretty desperate for help.

I can safely say that whatever the cause of mine, it’s not crap parenting, lack of confidence or ability.

I just cannot do something ahead of time - even though I know I should. I’m very good at what I do, but put myself under needless pressure by farting around or doing anything but what I should be doing.

Whether it’s ADHD or not, I want to stop whatever is causing it.

@sharplily Come over to the neurodiverse mumsnetters board. It's in the special needs section. Everyone on there is either autistic or ADHD or strongly suspect they are. It's extremely helpful.

Sorry to hear what you've been through

My mum was extremely supportive, if a little too lenient with me! She went out of her way to make sure I had everything I needed, and made sure I was happy. I could talk to her about anything at all. She's amazing. So I don't think my issues are relating to childhood trauma

In saying that, I was sexually abused once by a teenager at age 4, but I don't 'think' it impacts me? I don't think about it, it doesn't bother me. My dad also has only met me a few times when I was small but again, I've never really given it much thought. Maybe these things are impacting me without my knowledge?

I was a very happy child