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Original poster

Horrid gran..would you say something?

40 replies

Holaeveryone · 03/09/2022 15:37

My DD(almost 5) has a friend, let's call her Mary, similar age. We've known them for almost a year, they used to go to the same nursery but different schedules and will be going to school in the sane class.

We don't meet them very often as I always found Mary a bit hard work and not a good influence on DD, but they do sometimes have a nice time. I suspect Mary might have some mild SEN.

We went out today for a few hours together in my car to a nice place not far from home with her gran (who lives with the family and looks after her while the parents are working). This gran is very ...not sure what's the right work..'micromanaging', constantly on Mary's back, yapping at her non-stop. For instance anything Mary wants to do gran will always say either no or not allowed or just gives her a few mins and then directs her somewhere else. She doesn't give her any breathing space. This place we went to has a huge playground and has a huge and beautiful sandpit with 5 slides, wooden houses for children to play in and it's a massive hit with the kids. Well, Mary wasn't allowed to go in as 'sand will go in her shoes'!!! So Mary wasn't allowed to even see this sandpit and my DD was also disappointed as we had to.stay together. We moved somewhere else.

The most shocking thing though was this gran hits her granddaughter. Every time she doesn't comply with something she requests she slaps her, hits her, squeezes her arm or threatens her with more hitting. She did it about 6, 7 times in front of us and poor Mary would cry: grandma, please please don't hit me again!! It breaks my heart. I used to be beaten by my mother and I really know how this little girl feels. I have seen her hit Mary before but today was a different level.

This is a very long story which I tried to cut short but seeing this really shocked me. I have my own issues at the moment, going through separation and to be honest I don't want to get involved in other family's matters, but I feel so strongly about this, I just don't know what to do. I feel this grandma should not get near this child ever again. This little girl will be traumatised for life. Can I make an anonymous report or what can I do that does not involve me directly?

OP posts:
Galarunner · 03/09/2022 15:41

If she is hitting this little girl like this in front of you, imagine what she does in private. You need to contact Social Services. NSPCC website can support you with how to do this.

Original poster
Holaeveryone · 03/09/2022 15:43

Galarunner · 03/09/2022 15:41

If she is hitting this little girl like this in front of you, imagine what she does in private. You need to contact Social Services. NSPCC website can support you with how to do this.

I have spoken to my relatives about this and they said the same, she's probably worse in private.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 03/09/2022 15:49

NSPCC website, email them factually what you saw, they will get back to you asking for more info if you have it address, school / future school etc. They won't pass on your details but can start building a picture. If she's definitely going to the same school as your DS you can email their safeguarding teams your concerns too. It'll put the little girl on their radar so that they can keep a closer eye and offer the family support.

kimchifox · 03/09/2022 16:01

You can also report to your local council child protection team.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 03/09/2022 16:05

Please report this. Anonymously to the NSPCC helpline, the school, social services, but SOMEONE. Poor little Mary needs someone on her side before she gets even more badly damaged, whether physically or mentally.

Please be that someone.

Knittynanna · 03/09/2022 16:11

Poor little Mary Sad I'm assuming this is in England, if so this is why we need the law to be changed so that all physical assault of a child is a crime. There is no reason to Hit a child and whilst the law remains unclear on that it lets people like this Gran continue to think smacking is acceptable. That said, it is the squeezes, pinches and constant restriction of Mary's behaviour that would worry me the most in this situation, and I think the NSPCC would agree that this is a pattern of abuse and likely to be much worse in private. Why is Gran in charge?

GreenIsle · 03/09/2022 16:12

I would be concerned also that if the Granny appears to do this so opening that the parents are allowing this and perhaps even doing it themselves

Issummeroveralready · 03/09/2022 16:19

Definitely tell the school.shes going to
This will put it on their radar immediately.
Where are. Mary's parents?

Original poster
Holaeveryone · 03/09/2022 16:26

Knittynanna · 03/09/2022 16:11

Poor little Mary Sad I'm assuming this is in England, if so this is why we need the law to be changed so that all physical assault of a child is a crime. There is no reason to Hit a child and whilst the law remains unclear on that it lets people like this Gran continue to think smacking is acceptable. That said, it is the squeezes, pinches and constant restriction of Mary's behaviour that would worry me the most in this situation, and I think the NSPCC would agree that this is a pattern of abuse and likely to be much worse in private. Why is Gran in charge?

Yes, we live in England but we are all originally from a different country where hitting a child is not quite such a big issue (I've been here for a long time).This gran lives with the family to look after Mary so she's been with her since Mary was born. Parents are working full time and I assume is cheaper to have her than a nanny.

She does care about Mary when it comes to illness or feeding, but I really don't understand all this restrictive behaviour. I know Mary can be hard work, she runs away from us when we are out or does things which she shouldn't do (chasing wildlife and sometimes hitting birds) and I guess most kids are more compliant, but hitting is absolutely not the answer. I actually wonder if Mary's behaviour is partly damaged by this crazy grandma restrictions and constant yapping. I would not want anyone like that near my DD.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 03/09/2022 16:29

You should have phoned the police there and then. That poor girl. How did you not stop it?

Original poster
Holaeveryone · 03/09/2022 16:34

Issummeroveralready · 03/09/2022 16:19

Definitely tell the school.shes going to
This will put it on their radar immediately.
Where are. Mary's parents?

The parents work full time and I know gran and them disagree on parenting. Gran says the parents are too 'permissive' and so Mary has become 'naughtier' especially this summer when she spent more time with them. We haven't seen them for about 6 weeks but Mary seemed stressed and terrified now compared to how she was 6 weeks ago, her smile disappeared and she seemed confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Holaeveryone · 03/09/2022 16:36

girlmom21 · 03/09/2022 16:29

You should have phoned the police there and then. That poor girl. How did you not stop it?

I didn't know what to do...I have my own issues to deal with, I really don't want to have another thing on my back. But I do care about this and I'll do something, that's for sure!!

OP posts:
Mossygreenchypre · 03/09/2022 16:37

You can call your local social services and report as a concern.
There also should be a named safeguarding lead at the children's school.
From what you have said this should be investigated as being over chastisement, especially as you witnessed her being hit several times and ? pinched during a short trip to the park . You will need to stress this, and any verbal abuse you heard.

I wonder if how you have perceived Mary as being SEN could be indicative of her home life affecting her development and behaviour.

scrivette · 03/09/2022 16:51

Absolutely do report this, you can report to the NSPCC, your local Council Children's Services or even the new school they will both be attending. It sounds as if the parents and Gran could do with working with someone to show them better ways of parenting that poor child.

Stangerthings · 03/09/2022 17:00

I would have had to step in and told "gran" that is she touches the child again she would be reported to the police. What a bitch!

verdantverdure · 03/09/2022 17:44

Please do report this. A child shouldn't grow up like that.

mathanxiety · 04/09/2022 06:04

Tell the school as soon as school starts up. Report exactly what you saw the grandmother doing and saying. Emphasise the difference you saw in the child since the previous time you met.

Call local social services. Tell them about the constant chivvying and the physical punishment, done quite openly. Tell them you are worried it's worse in private.

mathanxiety · 04/09/2022 06:12

I would say that the behaviour you see in Mary (running off, chasing wildlife, etc, as well as hitting your child) is that of a child subjected to a lot of stress and fear from exposure to someone who hits her and treats her as a nuisance who has no status in the family, and also a child who is confused by different caregivers' approaches. She's acting out the hitting on your child, trying to process it. She's trying to see as will happen if she runs off when she's with you. She can't count on any one dependable response to any given behaviour of hers.

She needs a lot of help, poor little mite.

Suzi888 · 04/09/2022 06:18

girlmom21 · 03/09/2022 16:29

You should have phoned the police there and then. That poor girl. How did you not stop it?

I don’t understand either.

Please do something.

custardbear · 04/09/2022 06:23

That shocked me, definitely please help her

Nobetterthansheoughttobe · 04/09/2022 06:47

I don’t understand; you posted here before you considered contacting NSPCC/police/social services? Would you have waited so long to report someone abusing a puppy?
You also know it's been happening for a while
You may have a lot of shit going on, but if this was happening to your child, you'd want to know about it, or hope someone would help them.
Some people are very strange -MN is fabulous, but not the first place to turn when you are witnessing abuse

Sparklfairy · 04/09/2022 06:51

I think where it was so brazen, and the fact that clearly you don't want to add to your own plate by getting involved in someone else's business, it's understandable that you would be frozen in shock rather than instantly calling the police. That's the nuclear reaction and you've sat with it and realised that actually it is really bad, so don't let other posters make you feel bad for not automatically jumping into action, especially with the culture thing thrown in.

Can you invite them out again and possibly film/audio record from your pocket before reporting? My concern would be making a report that goes nowhere but they know it was you and stop you and DD seeing Mary and you can't step in next time.

wizzler · 04/09/2022 06:58

You can report to your Local Authority Designated Officer( Lado)

Poor Mary

Original poster
Holaeveryone · 04/09/2022 22:12

Sparklfairy · 04/09/2022 06:51

I think where it was so brazen, and the fact that clearly you don't want to add to your own plate by getting involved in someone else's business, it's understandable that you would be frozen in shock rather than instantly calling the police. That's the nuclear reaction and you've sat with it and realised that actually it is really bad, so don't let other posters make you feel bad for not automatically jumping into action, especially with the culture thing thrown in.

Can you invite them out again and possibly film/audio record from your pocket before reporting? My concern would be making a report that goes nowhere but they know it was you and stop you and DD seeing Mary and you can't step in next time.

Thank you.

Yes, I was thinking to see them again and make a recording, build some evidence.

OP posts:
Luckypoppy · 04/09/2022 23:35

Let the school know asap.