How do you cope with visits from family from abroad?

[pattihews]

Just that, really. I have family in Australia and New Zealand. My mum's brother and cousins emigrated in the 60s. My parents hosted their children (my cousins) when they came over. Now I'm getting the cousins' children (there are loads of them) expecting to stay with me when they come over to 'do' Europe. Just had a phone call from the sixth one asking to stay with me for a week from next week. I had no idea he was over here. I do know him: I met him when I was in Australia in 2018, so he's not a stranger.

It's not convenient: we're away for a long weekend when he wants to come and we both work. We've just had the plasterers in and the house is in a state. He sounded quite upset when I explained and said it would really complicate his plans if he couldn't come to us. We used to live in a busy, well-connected city but we moved 20 miles away a couple of years ago to the countryside and he didn't know that. Not sure what to do. I think I might have to rent him a hotel room for a few nights in the city where we used to live, then bring him back here when we get back from our weekend away and take a couple of days off work to show him round and be hospitable.

Whenever we've stayed with relatives in Oz or NZ we've planned well in advance and we never stay more than three nights. We don't want to be a nuisance or put pressure on people. We're also generous — wine, meals out etc. The youngsters don't do any of that.

It's all beginning to feel a bit unbalanced. Each time they come they don't seem to expect to pay for anything. I guess they're young and assume that we'll treat them like indulgent parents. The last one stayed for a fortnight and cost us around £800 in food, trips out to see things, lunches out, tickets for shows/ events, six-hour-return drive to the airport and days when we should have been working. Anyone else experienced similar? How do you deal with it?

I would just explain that it isn't convenient, unfortunately you need more notice of visits in future if they are expecting (should be asking really!) to stay. I also wouldn't be spending money like that either. Obviously you would be hospitable and maybe a trip out or two, but £800? That's ridiculous.

DP has family in Australia - when his brother and family come over, they stay with friends as they have a bigger house. We all meet up whilst he is here but he doesn't expect us to pay for everything, in fact he has paid for a meal for 10-15 family members on more than one occasion.

DP's aunt is coming over in a couple of weeks, she is also staying with a friend and has asked DP if we can meet up a couple of times whilst she is here, and that's fine too.

If I feel they are taking us for granted (for example, not hearing from them until they've been dumped by their mates in mainland Europe, and clearly expecting us to pay for their ticket to UK, and be a place to doss for the foreseeable future), I am suddenly tremendously thick, and unable to take the very broadest of hints.

If they tell us as soon as they book their flights that they're coming over, and that they'd love to catch up with us, have a few nights, before buggering off to do their own thing, I am far more forthcoming and hospitable!

And obviously, if it's not convenient for the reasons you outlined above, you say that, and they can sort themselves out. If they know you so little as to not know you've moved - erm, well, it's not exactly what you'd call a close connection, is it?!

I would say I am no longer able to host since moving.

I don't think it's an option to say outright we're not hosting. That's not in the Aussie/ Kiwi spirit and we've visited both countries before and hope to go back and stay with family (but only three nights max) in future.

Ah yes. Just have to say that it doesn't work for you.

We will have immediate family (DH is Australian) so his parents and sister's family. Then very close friends of DH (like best man etc) but thankfully they don't travel much. We've had a cousin and her friend for aaaages when they wanted to do a year here. Couldn't get rid of them and I was pregnant with DD2 so that was a ball ache but made both of us happier to say no subsequently. But anything more than 3 days visit is bloody hard.

With regard to the CF saying it makes things hard for him and also for him not asking but demanding; that would be a strong NO.

When I lived in England, my US friends and family would always stay in a hotel. They never asked me to host them and definitely didn't expect me to pay for them.

I live in the US now and my husband's family visit for 10 days and they always book accommodation near us and their own car. Again, they don't expect us to treat them but we do anyways.

When we visit our family and friends in the UK, we do the same thing. My in-laws next door neighbor has an AirB&B and that's where we will be staying on our next visit.

I really don't understand how people think it's ok to stay for days on end in someone else's house and expect so much.

We always make it work somehow. They don’t expect us to do much more than provide a place to stay and make an effort round us. They also help out with mundane day to day stuff.

We have regularly stayed with relatives for a month at a time (and been asked to stay longer) so perhaps a different dynamic.

Make an effort to fit round us.

At such short notice you could already have people staying.

it’s not unreasonable to decline them staying in that circumstance.

if you do let them stay then make it clear you’re working - you could offer them a place to stay, not to host them

Agree that it is in the Australian psyche to freeload when travelling. They really don't see it as a problem. We lived in Australia when I was growing up for 5 years and my older brothers used to have loads of people trying to stay with us when we had returned to the UK and they were travelling around Europe. Drove my mum mad. Turning up with nothing but a rucksack full of dirty clothes.

Ha! Cheeky fuckery!

Hell no.

Is £800 ridiculous for hosting someone for two weeks? That incudes the money we both lost by giving up working days to show her around. All the little journeys add up. Every lunch and coffee out while showing her the local towns and sights, every ice-cream or cream tea, every evening when, seeing her sitting there twiddling her thumbs, you suggest a trip to the coast for a stroll and fish and chips, or the cinema or the pub for a pub quiz. We take them walking, we go out on trains to places of interest, I try to take them somewhere interesting every couple of days — maybe it's a National Trust house or a an event or a show. It's something for them to remember when they go home. It's petrol, it's the beers, it's trying to put something decent on the table every evening or sending out for pizzas because I've been driving and planning and organising all day. It mounts up over a couple of weeks.

I have Ozzie relatives - I’ve made my 3 day rule very clear, don’t ask me for longer. Very annoying as my sister ended up staying for 10days, after other accommodation fell through and she got confused over her flight dates- I was working from home but she just couldn’t accept that, kept trying to distract me - I was close to killing her by the time she left.

Thank goodness I'm not the only one who finds it all a bit much. I've talked to my partner and we've agreed that we'll pay for him to stay in a backpacker place in the city for the nights we're not at home and then collect him from there and bring him home with us for four nights max. I know it's going to cost us booking the backpacker place, but it'll probably work out about the same expense as having him here, driving him around and taking him places for a whole week.

I can remember being young and having very little cash and hoping that relatives would look after me. Some of them were generous with me. You don't have the money when you're that age, do you? I just didn't expect to be expected to pay it back about 17 times over. That's how many of them there are. I'm hoping some of them are stay-at-home types.

With mine and my DH’s family, we have a general rule that you are only a guest for 24 hours, after that you have to pitch in as if you were part of the household. That includes household chores, shopping and cooking, even picking children up from school.

Yanbu. It’s very short notice so I would have said someone else was staying.
I’d take them out for dinner though and perhaps to see the sights (depending on where you are). Could you pay for a nearby premier inn? I’d def want to help out but I’m really funny about people coming to stay unless I’m very well prepared

Ah fatballs that’s a lovely rule, I like that. I’ve been looked after so well by random people and tenuous family connections when travelling , I love being able to pay it back. But I can understand the 3 night rule too ! Do what works for you - they’d rather stay 3 nights with someone happy to have them , than tiptoe around someone who is unhappy they’re there. And even if you think you’re being an awesome host, they will be able to tell if you’ve actually had enough and are feeling grumpy. We’ve all got different length wicks 😁

Yeah, Nah you're being a mug. Short notice. Not your kid. Bad planning if they haven't got enough money for accommodation & food

I'm in London and from NZ and so used to getting requests to stay. If it's convenient I say yes, if not I say sorry, would love to help but can't. For those staying I give them a set of keys, tell them where the tube/bus stops are, and the local shops, ask them to replace the milk and teabags if they run out, then go off and live my life as per normal. If I like them/they are close family, I might take a few days off work. If not I don't. If they want to buy me a bottle a wine or take me out for dinner to say thanks then great. I don't spend any money on them that I can't afford or don't want to.

£800 is bonkers. And I wouldn't be paying for a backpackers. Yes Aussies and Kiwi's are very hospitable and it's nice to pay it back/forward but there is being kind and being taken advantage of.

We used to have what I called “French cousin open season” when we lived in the UK. DH’s French mum would call and tell us to expect one of his younger cousins who was coming to stay for a week (and of course with the expectation that we would pay for everything). DH was also supposed to take some of these cousins to work with him for work experience except you needed security clearance to even enter the office which none of his relatives could accept. After a few years we just said no as it caused such drama. We now live in Australia, I know it sounds a bit OTT but I am seriously traumatised by our visitor experiences over the years to the extent that I have now rearranged our house so we can say to people that they can stay for a night or two but no more as we no longer have a spare room. There is no way I would pay for accommodation in your situation.

We turned our spare room into a playroom, if they come they have to hotel or air bnb. PIL used to come three weeks at a time, it was too much.

I love this African proverb. It fits here too.

We have relatives in America, Hong Kong and Spain plus friends in Australia. My brother will stay next year and always gives loads of notice. DH sister was in the UK a couple of weeks ago, she gave 20 mins notice, I offered her dinner but said to DH if she thinks she can stay she can get fucked. Yes I was that harsh because it is just rubbish. She comes to England every few weeks with her job and it’s fine to pop in but she is an appalling house guest overall. She does literally use whoever she stays at like a hotel. MIL is always exhausted by her visiting but as it’s her DD she can never say no.

£800! 😱That's true CFery...

We sometimes have family to stay but they contribute to the food. We also stay at there's sometimes and vice versa. No way would we be able to put them up for that long and ferry them around everywhere with show tickets etc? Sod that... You are too nice OP!

Sympathies, OP, but I honestly wouldn’t feel bad about saying you can’t. They will jus have to lump it..

I will soon be having relatives from abroad, one of whom I hardly know, and one of whom I really CBA to see, because she’s said some awful things about some family members in the past. But at least it’s only going to be for 2 nights - someone else is getting lumbered with them for a lot longer! I’ve agreed to have them only because one sibling can’t - husband is ill - she’s nicer than me and feels a bit bad about it - and the other won’t have them at any price.

TBH relatives from this particular country have always been freeloaders, after inviting themselves in the first place.
A previous one, who I’d never even met before, stayed for 10 nights, barely put his hand in his pocket, ,and there was not so much as an email to say thanks after he left.
So if he he ever asks again, it’ll be a big fat Sod Off!

I really don't understand how people think it's ok to stay for days on end in someone else's house and expect so much.

Ha! I'm a kiwi. This is kind of in our culture. Go overseas, stay with random relatives. It's what we do in our twenties, a right of passage almost.

OP your compromise is fine! No-one expects to stay more than three nights, realistically.