How do you cope with visits from family from abroad?

[pattihews]

Just that, really. I have family in Australia and New Zealand. My mum's brother and cousins emigrated in the 60s. My parents hosted their children (my cousins) when they came over. Now I'm getting the cousins' children (there are loads of them) expecting to stay with me when they come over to 'do' Europe. Just had a phone call from the sixth one asking to stay with me for a week from next week. I had no idea he was over here. I do know him: I met him when I was in Australia in 2018, so he's not a stranger.

It's not convenient: we're away for a long weekend when he wants to come and we both work. We've just had the plasterers in and the house is in a state. He sounded quite upset when I explained and said it would really complicate his plans if he couldn't come to us. We used to live in a busy, well-connected city but we moved 20 miles away a couple of years ago to the countryside and he didn't know that. Not sure what to do. I think I might have to rent him a hotel room for a few nights in the city where we used to live, then bring him back here when we get back from our weekend away and take a couple of days off work to show him round and be hospitable.

Whenever we've stayed with relatives in Oz or NZ we've planned well in advance and we never stay more than three nights. We don't want to be a nuisance or put pressure on people. We're also generous — wine, meals out etc. The youngsters don't do any of that.

It's all beginning to feel a bit unbalanced. Each time they come they don't seem to expect to pay for anything. I guess they're young and assume that we'll treat them like indulgent parents. The last one stayed for a fortnight and cost us around £800 in food, trips out to see things, lunches out, tickets for shows/ events, six-hour-return drive to the airport and days when we should have been working. Anyone else experienced similar? How do you deal with it?

Ohh I currently have my dp's neice and her friend staying with us. It has been torturas. If I make it till next Wednesday that will have been 3 full weeks, just far far too long. I am not coping atol.

You're martyring yourself and there's no need! I've had family to stay (I live overseas) and just expect them to fit in to our regular family life. So there's a little extra cost for food and we might go out somewhere once or twice but £800 in 2 weeks is insane! I feel like with close family they're there to see you so it's fine to just hang out at home. And young people who just want a place to crash don't need to be entertained, help them figure out the public transport, point them in the direction of attractions you think they might like and crack on with your day! If they're bored in the evening then do whatever you like to do of an evening - watch TV, read, play a game etc. I would expect a guest to get a round in if we were at the pub, bit cheeky not to .

Why do you keep entertaining them? They can find their own things to do. Give them the local bus and train schedule and leave for work. It's mad they never pay for anything, even a token gesture. Hardly close family if they didn't know you moved.

If so many have come over since your visits to Oz, you've more than paid your debt. No more visitors! Or else their kids and cousins will keep coming forever. The extra heating and food for them will get more expensive soon too.

You might want to go back over sometime, but the money you save on entertaining at £800 a time could pay for an air b&b.

He sounded quite upset when I explained and said it would really complicate his plans if he couldn't come to us.

As he's only just told you he's coming at all, staying with you can't be too central to his trip plans. What if you'd been away on holiday for two weeks? What if he hadn't reached you? What if you'd moved to New York rather than twenty miles down the road? If he'd told you before he left home, even if he didn't have specific dates when he'd be in the UK/in your city, you could have warned him that the house was being plastered a particular week, you were away a particular weekend, you'd moved out of town and the public transit is limited, you'd need x amount of notice to get time off work, etc.

As it is, the best you can do is best efforts. Let him stay, put clean sheets on the spare bed, give him a key, tell him to help himself to whatever food's available and use the kitchen to cook if he wants, offer to lend him the car or pick him up/drop him off the train station if it's convenient. I understand you want to reciprocate past hospitality (and perhaps reasonable expectations of future hospitality) from his parents, but he can't reasonably be expecting you to play host with this kind of notice. Do what you can, but not more than you can.

What if they come with no money and expect others to pay for everything?
My dp's teenage relative and friend are not going anywhere and are always in their room. Attractions are expensive here, but there are lots of free activities too. The weather is nice at the moment and I just can't understand why they just won't go somewhere. 3 weeks is a long time at the best of times, but this is just torture for me, they only appear at meal times which I have to make an extra special effort for, because a sandwich does not cut it for them at lunch. Honestly I would never send my children anywhere and expect all that, especially someone else that is not connected to the family. Arrrgh roll on Wednesday can't wait to get rid.

This is the sixth young visitor from Oz and NZ I've had, as I've said. My impression is that staying with family is a way of stretching their money so that they have spends for more exciting things. The expectation with all of them does seem to have been that we'll not only feed them well and do their laundry, but that we'll pay for everything during the visit. Occasionally, if we visit a place where the coffee is cheap, they'll buy me one — but that's it. If we don't take them out and pay for everything while we're out, they'd never leave the house except to go for a walk in the countryside around here (which is lovely but not the kind of thing they've come to Europe to experience).

Looking back I did occasionally stay with older relatives when I was in my early 20s, when I had very little money. But I would always try to pay for a lunch or offer to do gardening or cleaning or dog-walking or whatever. And again, it would never be for more than two, maximum three, nights.

But so what if they don't leave the house or only go on walks? Their trip, their wasted time imo. I don't understand why you're doing their laundry, just cut them off before they even get a chance by saying something like "you must be so glad to get to stay in a house for a while! I'll show you where the washing machine is, ask me if you're not sure how to work it". And if they're just sat around ask them to help you with things like dog walking, gardening etc. People will take as much from you as they think you're happy to give (especially young people who can be a bit self centered) so I think you need to make it very clear what you expect.

years ago, my brother (NZ) advised me he'd told his girlfriend and her shearing gang they could crash at ours while they were over for the shearing season!!

told him to fuck off

I don't do their laundry: I meant that they see us a place to come and do their laundry for free.

I can't get my head around the concept of visiting someone in order to sit on their sofa for a week, watch TV and eat the food provided. Just doesn't compute. Visiting is always about seeing a new place, getting about to see the area, learning new things for me.

Word has clearly got round that you're a soft touch hence so many turning up now. No way would I be entertaining young adults - a meal out, somewhere at the weekend. Maybe. But if they're travelling independently, they should be able to entertain themselves.

Why on Earth would you pay for his accommodation?!! To use the MN mantra, "no" is a complete sentence. Do not host him, do not offer to pay for his accommodation. If he's old enough to travel across the world, he is old enough to sort out his own place to stay. No wonder they are all coming to stay - they see you as a pushover who will just foot the bill for their holiday. Start standing up for yourself.

I live abroad and sometimes have requests from young family members, etc to come and stay (usually on their way to somewhere else}.
They are welcome to use the washing machine, crash on the sofa bed, eat normal amounts of food. I will pick them up from the station 25 mins away but not the airport which is 1H30 away.
We live in the country so I give them info about the not very frequent buses and will drop them in town if I'm going in to work, shop, etc.
That's it.

I don't pay for tickets, days out, takeaway, restaurants, take time off work, etc unless I am really close to them and want to spend time with them.

Works fine. They are happy to have a free place to sleep, do laundry, etc. I don't mind them coming because it doesn't cost me much / put me out. I warn them that we are in the countryside and there isn't much to do without a car.

Perhaps you need to try doing / spending less? It seems a bit unfair to shower money, trips out, lifts, etc on a person and then resent them when they accept.

I think you are being a martyr and I think you are being a bit weird doing so much for them and then complaining about it. If you don't want to do it then stop. It really is that simple. The reason they have an expectation that you will be so generous is because you keep being ridiculously generous.

I think it's really odd that you are going to pay for this new visitors backpacking accommodation. Why would you do that? He's an adult and if he's managed to get himself here from Australia or New Zealand then he ISN'T the least bit skint.

Why are you paying for the hostel? Are you paying for other random parts of his trip? He didn't check when you are free, you are offering a sofa when you are around. A good lesson in discussing plans with others. Let him come for the days you are around, mutter something about it being nice for him to have a chance to relax and chill out for a few days, show him where the washing machine is and let him get on with it.

You clearly don't like having people to stay so just say no! It's mad to pay for a hostel for him.

It's not convenient for you. His failure to plan is not your emergency.

Useful life lesson right there.

Seen your update, I get why you have cracked. I like to think I wouldn't have but may indeed. Do please let him know what his lack of planning has cost you.

Is there still time to offer to host for the first days and let him take it from there himself?

When you visit, do they pay for everything as you have been doing? If not, it may be time to start emulating their approach. Just expect them to fit in with your life. You may find they move on faster as soon as they work out a better offer.

Not true. Happy for you to come and stay for two or three nights. We can get to know each other better, I'll do what I can to make you comfortable. If you don't have your own transport I'll take you out for a day in the car and I'll show you this lovely area and try and find something that you'll enjoy doing. Your part of the bargain is to be polite, show a bit of interest and reciprocate just a little bit. That way we'll both have as good a time as possible. That's how hospitality should work, surely?

That's fine for two people on level footing but, as you pointed out, these are the children of your cousins so a generation below you and (by the sounds of it) still quite young. I don't think you can expect them to understand or want to follow these expectations.

It really boils down to 3 options:

1. Say they can't stay with you and leave it at that

1. Tell them they can stay with you but don't put in any effort (but as you said, this will upset you as you don't like to see them wasting their time)

1. Tell them they can stay with you but they have to follow your rules for how long they can stay, leaving the house by themselves a certain number of days, pay for x number of meals or do x number of chores etc. This would probably be an awkward conversation to have. You could try it but personally I'd think just saying no is easier!

My family had loads of (Irish) relatives come stay when I was growing up in America.
This is how we did it: firm up how long they would like to stay, what are their plans, are they working, are they just looking for a bed/base for further travelling?
Then she'd take a couple days to show them around, get them familiar with the lay of the land so to speak. Then they were on their own. My mother would include them for dinner and give them a lift somewhere if convenient, and of course try and organise something they might like to do - but she wasn't being a substitute parent. She let them do their laundry but wasn't going to do it for them.
You have to be clear about what you are prepared to do. So, say to this person: we are in the middle of renovating but if you need a bed that's fine. We are away and then at work so you will be on your own and we don't live in the town anymore. But there's a bus (if there is) and I can drop you in to town on occasion. We eat about 7pm so it would be good to know if you plan on joining us.

@pattihews, I think if you have the budget for it it’s not unreasonable. But that said I do live somewhere where if you have guests it’s unheard of for them to have to put their hand in their pocket for anything. However, because we know this can make people feel awful we do allow them to get some shopping in and pay for the odd meal or coffee when we’re out. I’d be able to cover the 800 pounds and have done but my friend couldn’t so she’d host according to her means. It would be unreasonable of her not to then blame her guests afterwards for costing so much.

Yes, you're right. They're all in their early 20s — 21-24. And the New Zealanders have come from a more laid back, slower culture where, frankly, there's nowhere near as much to do and see and spend money on.

You seem conflicted on the culture. Either you are happy to host and/or pay for guests based on your culture, or you are not. Don't know why you posted really as anyone saying don't host/pay, you just say, oh no can't do that, it's not my culture. Just cough up then and stop griping about it!

Lie lol tell them the house is being redone and you are actually staying with friends those days and instead offer to meet with them for dinner or something .
I do feel for you , the only people I tolerate staying with me are my parents and recently had partners family staying and found it so hard despite them being lovely .

Yes learning to say no is a skill which I am beginning to learn.