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Original poster

How will he ever see his baby?

40 replies

Whsrt · 01/09/2022 09:56

Ex suddenly got in touch to say he wants to talk about money and care for dc when they arrive. Not heard from him since I was six weeks pregnant!!! Come as a surprise. We are now living 1.5 hours apart. How would this work in practice? I am happy for him to see dc no issues there but it seems strange to even suggest it when he’s so far away?

OP posts:
GoneWithTheWine1 · 01/09/2022 09:57

Assuming he has a pair of legs to either drive himself or use public transport.

Original poster
Whsrt · 01/09/2022 10:00

@GoneWithTheWine1 he can drive but doesn’t have a car as lives in a city centre.

he can travel but surely won’t be doing that weekly?

do men do that?

OP posts:
RoseAndRose · 01/09/2022 10:04

Which one of you moved away?

There is often a presumption that the one to moved away deals with the travelling. Or that the one in the material position better able to manage does the journeys (eg the only one who drives)

Have you actually talked to him about this? And his onwards plans for contact?

Interested in this thread?

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Families Relationship problems
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 01/09/2022 10:04

Men who want to be a decent df do.

Agadoodoododont · 01/09/2022 10:04

If you’re not bothered about him being involved leave it all up to him.
Just say yes he can visit the baby ( who cannot be separated from you of course) and leave it up to him to make the arrangements. Don’t offer to travel halfway or to him.
if he puts in the effort then that shows a level of commitment.
Could it be his mum has made him contact you as she wants a relationship with the baby?

Iliveonahill · 01/09/2022 10:06

Whsrt · 01/09/2022 10:00

@GoneWithTheWine1 he can drive but doesn’t have a car as lives in a city centre.

he can travel but surely won’t be doing that weekly?

do men do that?

Of course they do to see their children. My friend travelled from Kent by train , across London to Reading every other Friday to pick up his children and then returned on the Sunday.

he is their father and I’m afraid if he wants to see them he should.

Yellowblanketofdoom · 01/09/2022 10:06

Tell him that you will contact the CSA once the child has arrived to sort out maintenance. He knows where you live, I presume? He can make his own way there.

notacooldad · 01/09/2022 10:06

There is often a presumption that the one to moved away deals with the travelling
Why would it be up to tbe op to suddenly put her self out IF she was the one that moved away seeing that he wasnt around to support anyway?

vroom321 · 01/09/2022 10:08

DH is military. He works with a few men who are based in Somerset. Live in the north and have kids in London / south and Newcastle / Scotland. I don't know how they manage it. 1 1/2 hours will be doable.

My husband is 6 hours from us. Comes home most weekends.

ApolloandDaphne · 01/09/2022 10:08

Whsrt · 01/09/2022 10:00

@GoneWithTheWine1 he can drive but doesn’t have a car as lives in a city centre.

he can travel but surely won’t be doing that weekly?

do men do that?

Yes of course they do. He will need to get the bus to you if he wants to be involved. Are you happy to have him in your house? If he works maybe weekends would make sense when he could come and spend a few hours a week getting to know his child then build up eventually to him having time alone with the child. I guess you need to see how it goes.

bluedomino · 01/09/2022 10:10

Just go through Child Maintenance. Chances are he's had a look at the online calculator and it scared him, so he thinks by contacting you will a lower offer you will just take it and shut up like a good girl. Don't be a doormat.

If he really wants to see his children then he can go through the courts, highly doubt he does want to see them though. Agree with previous poster it could be his mother who wants contact.

It sounds like he's just trying to manipulate you into taking any money he offers.

JustLyra · 01/09/2022 10:11

Some guys do make the effort.

Theres a friend of DH’s who agreed to his daughter moving back to their Mum’s home town. He video calls her twice a week religiously and he structured his work so that one weekend a month he travels the 8 hours on a Thursday. Does school pick up on the Friday and has her til Tuesday school drop off (gives him the chance to do school drop offs/homework etc rather than just weekend Disney stuff). He also does half the holidays.
Him and the mother work their arses off to make it work despite the distance.

JustLyra · 01/09/2022 10:12

1.5 hours is hardly that far - sone people have work commutes of over an hour!

Ihatethenewlook · 01/09/2022 10:13

My oh lives 4 and a half hours away. He works for 10 days then drives a 9 hour round trip to have the kids for 4 days. He does this every single fortnight

sillysmiles · 01/09/2022 10:23

It sounds as though you necessarily want your child to have access to their father.
If he's willing and isn't abusive or other red flags, then surely it's a case of - what's best for the baby.

MiauzenKatzenjammer · 01/09/2022 10:25

Whsrt · 01/09/2022 10:00

@GoneWithTheWine1 he can drive but doesn’t have a car as lives in a city centre.

he can travel but surely won’t be doing that weekly?

do men do that?

You seem to have depressingly low expectations of men, or is it just this individual?

TokenGinger · 01/09/2022 10:29

Whsrt · 01/09/2022 10:00

@GoneWithTheWine1 he can drive but doesn’t have a car as lives in a city centre.

he can travel but surely won’t be doing that weekly?

do men do that?

Decent men do. My DS's father would walk for five hours if he had no other way to get to him. As would I.

misspiggy44 · 01/09/2022 10:32

Since the ex hasn't been in contact with op throughout her pregnancy it does seem odd that they would make effort to travel 1.5 hours to see the child. Are there other issues with this person op? If you just split up and lost contact then it's different to if there's been abuse. I think if it's the former then you should facilitate contact but he will have to do the travelling in the early days at least.

SpinningFloppa · 01/09/2022 10:33

It doesn’t need to be weekly,
my ex has no contact but when he did he wanted to see them eow. So he can do it fortnightly

SpinningFloppa · 01/09/2022 10:34

I should add he
lives 2 hours away and doesn’t drive either

sillysmiles · 01/09/2022 10:42

misspiggy44 · 01/09/2022 10:32

Since the ex hasn't been in contact with op throughout her pregnancy it does seem odd that they would make effort to travel 1.5 hours to see the child. Are there other issues with this person op? If you just split up and lost contact then it's different to if there's been abuse. I think if it's the former then you should facilitate contact but he will have to do the travelling in the early days at least.

But there is a difference imo in supporting an adult woman through a pregnancy - which is difficult if you are no longer in relationship - versus being involved in the child's life.

misspiggy44 · 01/09/2022 10:46

@sillysmiles even if they are no longer in a relationship you would think he'd have some investment in the progression of the pregnancy. It seems a bit odd to have zero contact from 6 weeks until now (how far along are you op? I'm guessing quite far?) because so much could have changed.

I agree he should see the child providing there are no other issues at play. But I don't blame the op for being a bit confused at the sudden interest.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 01/09/2022 10:50

Does he suddenly want to be involved to reduce maintenance? My advice, given you will have a newborn, is dont offer to go to him, he can come to you and prove himself.

GoneWithTheWine1 · 01/09/2022 10:53

Whsrt · 01/09/2022 10:00

@GoneWithTheWine1 he can drive but doesn’t have a car as lives in a city centre.

he can travel but surely won’t be doing that weekly?

do men do that?

I know someone who lives 4 hours away from one of their DC (the mum moved away) he drives up every 3 weeks and spends the weekend with his DC and has them over half term.
Of course dads do it, why are your expectations so low about men? Do you want him to be involved?

NotLactoseFree · 01/09/2022 10:54

I'm assuming this is one of the weirdly high number of posters recently who have had bad break ups in the middle of pregnancy.

OP - without knowing our exact story, it's hard to advise but overall, yes, of course men can and do travel as needed to spend time with their children. I would check what you would be entitled to via CMS so you have a baseline. Then respond with something like, "yes, that sounds like a good idea. What do you propose?" and see what he comes up with. Then you can decide whether to accommodate him or laugh in his face.