How will he ever see his baby?

[Whsrt]

Ex suddenly got in touch to say he wants to talk about money and care for dc when they arrive. Not heard from him since I was six weeks pregnant!!! Come as a surprise. We are now living 1.5 hours apart. How would this work in practice? I am happy for him to see dc no issues there but it seems strange to even suggest it when he’s so far away?

It was weird. Since six weeks in he hasn’t been interested at all. I asked him too if he wanted to be at a scan etc but he wasn’t and I thought that would be the end of it!

I moved a few weeks ago, obviously hadnt considered him at all. Then he pops up with this.

And yes I wonder if it’s about maintenance?!

Are you 12?

Many men and women travel 1.5 hours for work, let alone to see their child

It’s up to him to get to you and the baby. You don’t need to do anything to facilitate that. Let him do all the work.

As for money, ask him what his intentions are. Could he be trying to pay to prove he’s doing his bit, therefore have joint custody? Might he want to have the child overnight 2 or 3 nights a week, as that will lower the amount if CM he has to pay. There could be ulterior motives behind his intentions, or he could be genuine in wanting to provide and play a part in his child’s life.

@PainsandAches 😂 this is a man who travelled to see me twice (an hour) when dating as it was too far!!! I went to him. He works long hours so I just find it surprising

Some men it doesn't feel real till the baby is nearly here, or here. They just don't "get it" like us women do. It's super common.

I highly doubt it's about maintenance if he's willing to travel 1.5 hours to see his child.

@Whsrt

Then why ask if 'men' would do this

Your bar is low so it's not surprising but most men care about their partners and children

@Namechangehereandnow i don’t know how it would work though… I mean I would let him, I trust him but he’s in a one bedroom flat with no baby equipment that I know of. Just seems strange to have popped up

@GoneWithTheWine1 he’s not said he is willing to travel. Just had a message from him saying we should talk about finances and DC’s care… I replied and he’s not responded again! So random after not hearing from him it’s unnerved me

How is it strange?

I mean, I dare say you weren’t living with a fully set up nursery until you bought stuff for your baby either? (Unless you have older children, but you get my drift).

@JustLyra because I’ve not heard from him for nearly 7 months. I can’t imagine he’s been setting things up between now and then and not letting me know.

Well I’d expect him to see the baby at your house with you when it’s tiny.

tbh, I’m pregnant at the minute, I go to the scans because I need to be there, as in my
mind it’s all still a bit hypothetical until baby arrives. And I’m growing the baby, so I get how he’s not been involved until now. Similarly we’re not really buying anything until we get to 30 weeks ish, so not that weird he hasn’t bought anything (especially given it’ll be a while before he has the baby separately to you).

You’re both the baby’s parents so you’ll need to make the distance work. Maybe he will stick around and maybe he won’t but for now, let him work out the logistics.

What exactly is he proposing? If he's a perfectly nice man, he might be a good dad. But you obviously don't know currently so talk to him - see what he plans and thinks is acceptable. Travelling 90 minutes isn't the end of the world.

And DH didn't attend any scans with either of our DC - and they were both hugely wanted. It just wasn't practical and seemed unnecessary to both of us. I don't think it's particularly weird that he's had no contact all this time. Sure, it's not particularly nice but it's not odd - until the baby is here, it's not really part of him.

He was probably thinking there was not much point discussing anything until nearer the time. In the early days, he will have to travel to you to see the baby. Eventually he can have overnights. How he manages that will be up to him. That's not something you need to arrange at this stage. Just CM and him coming to you.

Aren't access and maintenance completely separate issues?