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Original poster

If you knew you were an accident baby and…

56 replies

Yuhk · 30/08/2022 21:35

Does it upset you?

my ex is a little… unhinged shall we say. I’m worried when dc are much older he will say he wasn’t planned. He also asks me for a paternity test after birth which was out of the blue !! Hadn’t mentioned all pregnancy, then we broke up and he asked. Dc 7 now and I’m just worried what he might say when they get to their teens

OP posts:
twocatsandtwokids · 30/08/2022 22:12

Another vote here for not being upset at all!

crankyhousewife · 30/08/2022 22:16

I've always told my youngest daughter she was a "surprise" (much better than "accident". She's 19 now and knowing we didn't plan for her hasn't done her any harm.

OnTheBoardwalk · 30/08/2022 22:16

I’m the result of a new year rumble by my parents and my mum thinking she had a stomach bug. I def wasn’t planned

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Families
Laney79 · 30/08/2022 22:18

I'm kind of proud that I was the mistake.

Mom on the pill, wasn't well, went to the GP who insisted she was preggers and she must stop taking the pill. Ma argued saying she knew what pregnancy felt like having already had three kids but dr insisted. He was wrong. She wasn't pregnant.

Three months later she was though. So I was "due" April, but born July...longest pregnancy ever. Local community put the flags out apparently when I finally arrived.

I love the story, and have never felt upset by it or any less loved at all. If anything I got spoilt as I'm the "baby" who's now over 40 but still...

anderosonnmj · 30/08/2022 22:19

It's better to have had a paternity test than to find out 60 years later that your father was not your biological father. I'm in several genealogy groups, and this is more common than you would think.

Mumonthedge · 30/08/2022 22:32

My unhinged Dad told me I was an accident out of spite when I was a teen. My Mum was devastated I was told but I didn’t care one bit! She loves me and that’s all that matters at the end of the day 😊

Readinstead · 30/08/2022 22:37

I'm 55 and the last planned pregnancy in the family! My df told me that it was either a baby or a new carpet for the hall and stairs and they should have gone for the carpet 😄
My dd, dn, 3dgc and 2dgn all 'accidents'. My dd was a bit mithered about it during her teens but I told her that the pregnancy might have been unplanned but there was a decision to continue or not with the pregancy and her birth was very much planned and wanted.

Fortuny · 30/08/2022 22:38

DHs dad told him that he wasn't planned and made it very obvious that he wasn't happy with it either. He's a low level bully called him a mummy's boy and left him out of bonding activities his brother got to go to. Understandably it's really affected him. FIL even blamed him for having to give up his self indulgent hobby! Horrible stuff.

I'd get in there first, be open and honest from the start. Try to reinforce that they're a happy surprise and very much wanted and loved. So when/if the ex does get spiteful, they're already very comfortable with the fact that they were unplanned but confident that they're wanted... and that their dad is a potential arsehole.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 30/08/2022 22:40

Nah, I was the best mistake my mother ever made.

WorthThe · 30/08/2022 22:42

Has never bothered me at all.
Though my parents never said it maliciously or with bad intent. It's a simple fact.
Me and billions others.

Cas112 · 30/08/2022 22:42

I know I wasn't planned and that really doesn't bother me. A high percentage of babies are not planned, it's not something I could take personal

Ziggyisthebestdogintheworld · 30/08/2022 22:42

My mother is a true narcissist and she took great delight in telling mine that they where not planned

my son got upset and asked me if it was true

no way was I lying to him,so I told him ‘you where NOT planned son,you WHERE an accident-unplanned you may have been,but you are loved beyond measure-you all are,and I hope I’ve proved this over the years’

He seemed to take that in and I heard from his sister that he repeated it,word for word to her and she finally shut her trap over that but started with the ‘your mother wanted a girl but got you’ (or if she was talking to dds she said ‘son’)

they ignore her now

SpinningFloppa · 30/08/2022 22:45

Yes it does bother me but that’s because I was told my mum would have aborted me if she hadn’t already had one so that’s why she didn’t and I’ve always felt unwanted so everyone is different

SardineStitches · 30/08/2022 22:46

Depends how it's worded. One of my kids was an accident and they know they were but we always said you weren't planned but you weren't a mistake. An accident and a mistake are very different...

MythicalBiologicalFennel · 30/08/2022 22:47

I found out I was was accident after I had my first child myself. Yes it did upset me. Also all my life my parents have joked about what a perfect baby my older sibling was and how I was the complete opposite. "If all babies were like you there would only ever be single children". Ha ha 🙄 I can't articulate it but it really did upset me at the time.

SpinningFloppa · 30/08/2022 22:50

agree about accident and mistake, I’m surprised so many are happy to be labelled a mistake a mistake a mistake is something you regret

WaltzingWaters · 30/08/2022 22:50

My DS was unplanned. But as soon as I found out I was pregnant he was deeply loved. He is by all his family. I’d never change it. A crazy amount of people are unplanned! Unless their parents tell them they were unwanted throughout their life, there shouldn’t be anything to be concerned about.

UpYourOwnAss · 30/08/2022 22:55

I found out 5 years ago that I was a suprise baby. It was my dad who told me. He also told me he'd ask my mum to abort me which I was very shocked about as they were married and had two children already. His reasoning was that she wasn't coping with the first two so he knew it'd be hard having a third. I totally understood. I grew up watching my mother struggle. She had PND and two special needs children. So I understood why my dad ask her. However, I'm glad I'm here!

My second and last child was a surprise. I don't think I'll need to tell her as she'll figure it out when she realises she was conceived when her sibling was 4 months old. 😆

FunnysInLaJardin · 30/08/2022 22:58

I was an accident and so was DH. Meh, we are still here and were loved

FunnysInLaJardin · 30/08/2022 22:59

Oh and my name means Fathers Joy, which I later found out was tongue in cheek!

DareDevil223 · 30/08/2022 22:59

I was an accident but my parents always made me feel that I was in fact an absolutely wonderful and much loved surprise. Lots of family stories about thinking they were done with 3 kids and then I came along, my birth being predicted by a fortune teller etc. I never felt unwanted or less than my siblings.

happypet · 30/08/2022 23:03

I'm clearly going against the grain here, but from another perspective. A very close ex of mine would bring this up often and how hurtful it was. His mother had early type fertility treatment in the 1970's and had 2 daughters. She was content, happy and finished family. She then fell pregnant with my male ex.

We met in our late teens, and his mother and sister brought it up often as a joke from their side- that he was unplanned and a mistake. It hurt him deeply and affected his relationship with them his whole life- although he'd never tell them this.

All I could say is to tell your DC how much they are loved etc, regardless of the reason for conception.

MaChienEstUnDick · 30/08/2022 23:03

dandelionthistle · 30/08/2022 22:11

Some of the replies are going to be less relevant as they are about nuclear families where the timing wasn't right for whatever reason.

My mum had me on her own and has always (though rarely) presented that as a happy choice. Its never felt like an open topic of discussion though.

My grandmother, years later (I was probably 30?), told me my mother was devastated for months of the pregnancy blah blah.

I don't think I mind which version is true, but I did feel a bit blindsided by my grandmother's version and would rather not have heard it. But all of that is compounded by it being a non-conversation with my mother. I remember being a child and friends asking me whether my parents were divorced and not really knowing how to answer. It's my mother's chippy evasiveness that's the issue for me I think.

Oh thank god for you @dandelionthistle i was starting to feel like even more of a freak. Flowers

I was completely unplanned, which led to a shotgun wedding, which led to a very shameful divorce, which led to my father moving as far away as it's possible to move in the UK without getting a ferry, which led to my mum making a series of very disturbing relationships. 'I didn't want you but I fought for you' was her catch phrase - err, ta mum, that makes me feel amazing that you didn't give me to the nuns.

It's incredibly damaging to know you weren't wanted, although in my case I suppose I was getting similar messages from both parents. Get in front of it OP and have a loving line to take, there are some good examples on the thread.

Readinstead · 30/08/2022 23:12

A previous post reminded me, that in my year at school there were siblings in the same school year, one born in September and the other in July. None of us thought the younger sibling was planned.
There was a 13 year age gap between my friend and her older sister and she thought it was hilarious that she was the result of her parents first weekend away without her siblings especially as 'their dirty weekend was in Morecombe. Morcombe!' You could always hear the exclamation mark after that second Morcombe 😂

RampantIvy · 30/08/2022 23:15

My mum was 5 months pregnant with me when she married my dad.

I found out after my dad died and I was helping to clear out loads of stuff. I found their wedding certificate. I looked at my mum and she just laughed. And that was that.

It made sense why they didn't make a fuss about their silver wedding and 30th wedding anniversaries. So I cooked them a delicious meal for their 24th anniversary, and we went to an expensive restaurant for their 29th.