I feel invisible in my two friendship groups.

[Wisteriabloom]

I do have other friends & acquaintances I see, by the way! I just think of these two groups as my 'main" friends, which is why I'm feeling hurt.

It seems that each time I post on either of the WhatsApp groups suggesting we all meet up/try a new restaurant that's opened etc, I get non-committal responses, ie, 'Sounds good, I'll let you know', or 'Maybe, when work is less busy let's set a date', and they never mention it again so it doesn't happen. Or, as happened recently 3 of them were coming to mine for the evening, I'd shopped and prepped, only for one to cancel the day before (valid reason), and the other 2 to cancel on the day (lame excuses). I was so upset! 🙁

I admit I'm probably the quietest out of the group, (I'm sociable, but maybe not quite as gregarious as them), so wonder if this is the reason. 🤔 Thing is though, I'm not left out. If one of them suggests we all meet up it tends to happen , and I'm included too. It's just they all seem to bypass my suggestions. For instance the restaurant one, they were all non-committal but a few weeks later one of the others suggested the SAME restaurant, and everyone jumped at it! 🤔

I feel as if I'm pleasant enough company to be around them, but not 'enough' on my.own? An example was recently when 3 of us were going out, one had to cancel then I got a message from the other one claiming she'd felt sick & headachy all afternoon, and could we postpone. To me, it seemed to come on suspiciously suddenly when she realised it was just her & me. I thought we were quite close. ☹

I starting to wonder if they'd even notice if I left the groups. Dh says that would be cutting off my nose to spite my face, as I do enjoy it when I see them, but feel I'm 'bottom of the list' somehow.

Btw, the one who cancelled on me was very quick to ask for a favour when I bumped into her a few days later! I wish they knew how hurtful this is.

I think groups can behave in primitive ways. There are alpha people who everyone will consider and follow. I hate this but if there are other reasons to like these people perhaps you can accept this role. Do you find you have a different role with your other friends?

I have a group chat where this seems to happen to one of the others, but largely because they themselves tend to be a bit flaky.

I.e. would say, let's go to xx restaurant but then not put the work in to find a date that suits, make the reservation etc. They see the suggestion as their job done and leave the detail/planning to others.

Group chats are hard, people are busy, and I think sometimes you need to be quite forceful/decisive to get people to commit!

Sorry no advice but I could of wrote this myself, so I get how hurtful it can feel! I often suggest things to do and my messages often get ignored but if others suggest things they will easily get arranged. I've always felt like I'm the bottom choice kind of thing aswell, this goes for previous friendship groups too.

Yep I can really relate to this- Im now distancing myself after being really upset by suggesting afew different ideas for a night out for my birthday & not getting any response. My DH also says Im only going to hurt myself with this strategy but honestly dont know what else to do

Yes. I relate to this completely. In fact, I've just left a group chat as every time I suggested anything it didn't happen and I made the decision not to make any more effort.
I'm really sad about it tbh as it was a lovely friendship group, but maybe we've outgrown each other. The others do stuff as twos and threes, maybe I just don't fit anymore.

This could be my story! Am I being included because I'm 'pleasant' company, bring home made treats, marmalade, jam, home grown tomatoes etc. I'm always reliable, don't let people down, but yes I can see that could be seen to be boring. Cest la vie.

I think I do, Randomword, but I suppose my other friendships are smaller groups, mainly me and one or two others. One friend loves West End shows, as do I, so if one of us sees something advertised, once we've checked with the other it's booked!

I'm also a member of a book club, so we see each other every week, and small friendship groups have developed within the club. We're all fairly similar, so nobody tends to 'talk over' each other and they don't seem to cancel, either!

Maybe I find it easier when there's an 'activity' the group is based around, rather than a 'Leader of the Pack" hierarchy, where you need to be loud to be visible!

COL1N - It's so hurtful isn't it. I had a similar experience on my birthday, except it was one of the others who'd suggested going somewhere of my choice, for my birthday!

I suggested somewhere we could go, 3 of the others agreed enthusiastically, and were free that evening. As the weekend approached, one of them said they could no longer make it, followed by another one. THEN the one who'd suggested going out, said 'Actually we"ve got family staying now, I'd only be able to nip out for an hour or two, let's do something when we're all less busy'.
Guess what - it never happened and I was left feeling humiliated on my birthday weekend, having put that evening aside'. 🙁 Never again!

I avoid friendship groups nowadays and have lots of separate friends and tend to socialise 1 on 1. Works well for me.

That's a shame, to those of you it's also happened to. 🤔 Yes, I'm starting to think I'm better suited to 1 - 1 or small friendship groups too.

Sometimes if I'm going to the cinema/restaurant etc dh will ask who with. If I say, Kate, or Charlotte from work he'll say, 'Oh, JUST her?' He tends to.move in groups,, but unlike me, he doesn't feel invisible in them! If he suggests something it seems to happen!

I feel this OP. Last night I asked DH if he knew how I can make new friends.

My current friendship group is strange. Basically we have a cry on demand Queen Bee who manipulates every situation so everyone pussy foots around her. There's 7 of us. It's just too much for me.

Start prioritising your other friends and look at making new friends, and change your mindset that this group is your ‘main’ friendship group. It sounds like your other friends don’t treat you the same way as this group so actually aren’t they are better friends to you, they just aren’t one big group?

Some of those examples are really shit, particularly your birthday one!

The only thing that stood out to me is when you said some people cancelled then once the last one realised it would only be you and her she cancelled too - I can sort of understand that, there are a few groups I'm part of where we work as a group but there are individual members I would struggle to spend a whole evening with -particularly if it's not actively doing something but just sitting and chatting with each other. Not that there's anything wrong with them, just don't know each other as well/click in the same way. I think that's normal in bigger group friendships?

So that sort of makes sense but I'd message you asking if it would be worth rearranging rather than just suggesting on the group chat you weren't enough fun on your own!

As you've clearly got a lot of different friendship groups this obviously isn't a "you" issue, just the dynamics of this particular group -they seem to want to be an "all or nothing" thing whereby you need to have a few people meeting to make it "worth it"?

I am in a similar group and it seems that whenever I suggest or say something, it is just passed over, but if certain other people post anything everyone gushes over it. There are a few others like me in the group. For example, a few people's big birthdays were totally forgotten, but then others get a massive present and evening out.

I think they want me in the group, and like me, but I am not one of the alpha females in there. I'd like to think 10 grown women would know better, but apparently not. It is all very high school. I have thought about leaving, but that would be cutting off my nose to spite my face. After a few things that upset me, I decided that I wasn't going to emotionally invest in this anymore. I am still in the group, and we have a good time, but I go when it suits me, because a lot of the problem is that they are just suiting themselves, no matter how that affects others, so I'll do the same.

I think these people are not your tribe.
Try not to overthink it or it will eat away at your self esteem and work on other more genuine friendships.

Also you mentioned one of the friends needed you a few days after they let you down .. don't be as available. Protect yourself.

I have a friend who only texts boasting or her own news. Never how am I and I have been polite but really hold back now.

It's tough.

I had a group just the same! Sort of drifted after Covid, do feel a bit sad now and then but I always felt the awkward odd one out anyhow. Haven't quite left the chat but never see them anymore. There is definitely a pecking order in most groups tbf, I was just the lowest in that particular one.

Without wishing to blame you OP, as your mates do sound thoughtless, I think often people worry about being overly assertive/domineering about making arrangements, which comes from a good place but ends up meaning nothing happens.

In my friendship group if I say "we should do meet for lunch in London soon" there's lots of murmuring and nothing happens. If I say "I really fancy lunch at The Drapers Arms, I can do the 1st or the 15th Oct, which is best?" then at least a couple will respond positively. We have given up waiting for dates we can all do, because we'd be waiting forever, and take it in turns to propose dates or skip a day knowing that we'll make the next. And that's only a group of 5 - christ knows how people with big gangs of mates manage.

I think in groups people fall into roles and once there its a struggle to change that dynamic. The birthday example sounds crap and really flaky. Its obviously not you as you do have other friendship groups. I also find if you are quite a quiet person (I am) that you can get overlooked, but I have come to realise that its really about the other people when this happens. once the strongest person in the group sets the tone everyone else tends to follow suit.

I remember once at work standing up for myself to a customer and all the other staff were so shocked even though they do the same. People still seem to confuse quiet/shy with being weak or a pushover. Where as Im actually a pretty tough cookie when it comes down to it!

That was really shitty of your friends ☹️

They sound like they totally take you for granted. I don’t think there’s much you can do except make better friends.

Hhhm i think that's groups of friends really. In my experience groups tend to be formed by being part of an event like parents at a school or worked together and the group is stronger than the friendships within it.

I'm part of quite a few friendship groups, mainly as I have 5 girls in 3 different schools, then a few interests, old uni friends etc and I find I tend to have 1 or 2 close friends within that who I meet outside of the group who i care for. And then I will join the groups when I can or it suits and just take that how it comes.

Take them for what they are fun for a night out when it suits you and build individual friendships.

Take them for what they are fun for a night out when it suits you and build individual friendships.

V good advice.

In these groups you’re not perceived highly enough so your suggestions are ignored. I would leave both groups and hang out with the people who like you a lot.
I only do things with people who like me a lot. It means it’s always a pleasure for all of us.

I also feel like this is just how groups are. I'm in a couple of groups and people always get non-committal responses to plans they suggest. People also always drop out at the last minute. It's rude and it's crap but I wouldn't take it personally. I think as we get older we just like staying in more - have you seen those jokes/memes on social media about the horror of realising you'd had plans for the night when you just wanted to sit on the sofa and watch TV? Often people agree to plans and genuinely think it'll be fun then the time comes and they're tired and can't be bothered. As for your friend cancelling after another friend cancelled (when it would just be you two) - I can understand that too! I have 2 friends and we all go out in a 3. If one cancels then we quickly postpone because we don't want to go out with just 2 of us. The dynamic is different and it's harder to make conversation. We're much better as a 3! Not so good as a 2. Try not to take it all personally - people are just rubbish. I'm quiet too and often feel I get overlooked whereas everyone gravitates to the louder dominant group members but I know I'm liked and appreciated too. Maybe it's natural that some people prefer those who are more gregarious - doesn't mean they don't like you.

I think this is how some groups are. It definitely works better if you propose a definite plan.
Are you close enough to one other person to both come up with a plan then put it on the group chat.
I was part of a big group but had one very close pal in it. We would hatch a definite plan then put it on the group chat and people would pitch up.

I find it annoying when people post a vague 'anyone fancy meeting up this weekend'.

I don't know if it's you or not but I wouldn't be surprised if it was the group iykwim.

My friends are in their 50's and I think some of them missed 'how to do social media' training 😂😂. Most seem to have no clue that other people can see whether or not they've seen their messages. Reading messages, not replying and then only piping up after all the arrangements have been made with some other preference.

Yes I feel similar. I'm in a few friendship groups. In one, there a couple of people who if they plan something or agree to go to something everyone else will but other wise it's a no. Another plans are constantly cancelled. I feel like I need a new tribe but not sure how to meet one. I go to a couple of classes but nothing there, no work friendships.