One of my dc is behaving terribly

[Username99999]

and stopping us all from doing anything.

I have 4 dc. All aged 12 and under. My youngest is 7 and being very difficult at the moment.

He can be a lovely caring boy at times. He will tell me he loves me and is caring towards others.

Other times though, he fights with his siblings and breaks things. When we are out he causes such a scene that we all feel so uncomfortable and embarrassed.

We went to soft play and it all began fine until we had to leave. All my other dc came to sit with me whilst we waited for youngest dc. He stayed playing for an extra 20 minutes. It was so embarrassing as I tried to get him he would run off and hide. Parents were all looking at me sympathetically as I was so hot and flustered.
In the end we sat and waited for him and eventually he skipped over to us. Then screamed on the way out as he wanted an ice cream.

On the way home he whacked one dc in the face, kicked another in the leg and pulled the others hair. All for no reason.

This is just one example but it happens every day. Wherever we go.

Dh is always working so it's all down to me in the day to entertain them. He suggested we stay in for a day as ds may be tired. We tried that yesterday and by lunchtime he'd hit two of his siblings, threw a cup of water over the table and tormented the cat.

How can I encourage him to behave? It's so tiring for all involved and I feel so guilty that every day is focused around keeping youngest from acting up.

Following, my DS(5) is like this.

My eldest (now 10) can't do reward charts either. They haven't worked at home or at school. I've often wondered whether he's autistic but he's never been assessed.

The kind of parenting which suits him best is that often recommended for children with PDA autism. I pick my battles, help him regulate his emotions, make transitions more slowly than I necessarily need to with my younger child, negotiate a lot. He thrives that way and is pleasant and helpful company, whereas taking an approach which is more about exerting my power over him just lands with him being fretful and antagonistic.

It's a tricky balance with siblings to consider because obvs we can't/shouldn't all just leave if he's messing about, and some of the environments he finds stressful (esp with lots of noise like soft play) are something his sibling benefits from, so I have learned I need to balance the time before or after to give him the best odds of managing to behave as I'd like him to so we don't end up in that sort of showdown. Whereas eg my younger child, I know that even if she's in a difficult situation the right threat or reward for her will almost always quickly get the behaviour I want (although as I think more about it I'm not sure I'm really comfortable with that - but sometimes needs must - whereas for DC1 there really is no right reward or threat to quickly reroute him once he's spiralling and he needs connection, not control).

This isn't helpful in any way but sometimes you just get a feral one.
Our third is the reprobate in our house. Our parenting seems good and effective enough for the other three but this one gives no fucks. We just persevere in the hope he will mellow out at some point. Weirdly he's the most affectionate and funny. Just completely wild at the same time.

😄

Sounds like my DS who almost certainly has ASD and/or ADHD (not yet diagnosed but getting there). None of the usual parenting strategies work. He has good and bad days, but on bad days everything is a battle. Transitions are always challenging. For things like leaving soft play, I find that it works to tell him what's going to happen (we're going to soft play and then we're going to go home and have xyz for lunch) and then when at soft play to give him a couple of warnings (eg "you can play for another 15 minutes and then we're going"... then "ok you have 5 more minutes then shoes on") also counting down - I'm going to count down from 10, you need to come here and start putting your shoes on before I get to zero. That kind of thing. At home we have a visual timer that we use for things like screen time so he can see how much time he has left. We use it for all sorts, including car journeys. It's really useful. He also responds well to having lots of choice and control, which isn't always easy or possible, but we try to be mindful of it and balance out forcing him to follow our agenda v allowing him to shape the agenda.

Don't know if any of that would be helpful for you, hope so.

I agree with Annie - you need to find a consequence that will bother him. In my opinion, a swift, severe (not as in hitting, etc - but something that will get your point across) and consistent consequence is critical.