One of my dc is behaving terribly

[Username99999]

and stopping us all from doing anything.

I have 4 dc. All aged 12 and under. My youngest is 7 and being very difficult at the moment.

He can be a lovely caring boy at times. He will tell me he loves me and is caring towards others.

Other times though, he fights with his siblings and breaks things. When we are out he causes such a scene that we all feel so uncomfortable and embarrassed.

We went to soft play and it all began fine until we had to leave. All my other dc came to sit with me whilst we waited for youngest dc. He stayed playing for an extra 20 minutes. It was so embarrassing as I tried to get him he would run off and hide. Parents were all looking at me sympathetically as I was so hot and flustered.
In the end we sat and waited for him and eventually he skipped over to us. Then screamed on the way out as he wanted an ice cream.

On the way home he whacked one dc in the face, kicked another in the leg and pulled the others hair. All for no reason.

This is just one example but it happens every day. Wherever we go.

Dh is always working so it's all down to me in the day to entertain them. He suggested we stay in for a day as ds may be tired. We tried that yesterday and by lunchtime he'd hit two of his siblings, threw a cup of water over the table and tormented the cat.

How can I encourage him to behave? It's so tiring for all involved and I feel so guilty that every day is focused around keeping youngest from acting up.

I don't want to stop the sticker chart as the other children like it (even the 12 year old)

Then keep it for them?

It is giving your youngest a negative message, so stop using it for him.

Kids are not all the same and different strategies work for different DC. You don't have to have a 'same' approach.

Sounds a bit like my youngest. Always drama. At the moment I’m putting it down to it being the end of the summer holidays and siblings having too much exposure to each other.

Op look up emotional disregulation. My six year old boy does similar and you really do just need to love them through it.

I think a sticker for a whole day is too easy to loose/to hard to keep.

maybe do an individual one for him focused on the things that are often difficult. Eg if leaving places is always difficult get a chart to take with you and let him have a sticker if he leaves when asked “time to leave, y out get your shoes on and I’ll find the sticker for you to add one on”.

Im actually not a massive fan of sticker charts/reward charts but I do think they work for specific issues. Eg I used one for my children to stop them climbing on the furniture. It sort of knocked them out that pattern of behaviour.

Overall though it may be worth having a think about any needs he might have (I don’t mean specific needs necessarily). Things like does he need more down time, does he need some running about time early in the morning, does he manage better if he has more/less sensory input at different times. Does he manage places like soft play better in the morning/afternoon etc.

can you talk to him about the issue. My son (but not my daughter) is actually really good when I talk to him about a problem with his behaviour at helping come up with a plan to manage it. Or he will tell me why he finds something hard. Not all children can do this but it is worth trying to get him to help come up with a solution -
“we can’t go to soft play if people get hurt when we leave. What can we do to make sure there is not hurting when we leave soft play”.

I sympathise because it must be hard to manage with your other children. Maybe try to get an small opportunity for one to one time too so you can connect with him a hot and see if that helps.

I hope things settle a little for you all.

End of school holidays and you took 4 kids to soft play. The seven year old was a little sod on the way out. The other three were very well behaved. I really dont think this is your parenting. I think he sounds a bit more lively and stubborn than the others.

I think its worth factoring in an icecream on the way out to get them out of the door cheerfully, or the promise of an icecream from the freezer at home etc.

Youre an experienced parent. Just sounds like your youngest is a fairly normal 7 year old, and your others are more reliably behaved. Dont worry too much. Theyre all back at school soon

The soft play incident was very embarrassing. I tried to get him out but he was faster and much more agile than me.
I swear some of the parents were laughing at me.
I couldn't just leave him so the only thing I thought to do was sit and calm down and wait for him.
None of them got an ice cream. There was no plan to get one in the first place.

Dh currently works 6 1/2 days a week. That might be reducing soon though.

I always found that i could mamage two kids on an outing at that age, and it could be any two, but any more than that and the entire dynamic changes

Sounds like youngest child syndrome 😣 it's terrible!

PPs are right. The sticker system isn't working for him. He needs proper immediate consequences.

Regarding leaving a place, I just say bye bye and start walking away 🤷🏻‍♀️

My 8 year old DS has moments like this - compared to my other child who can regulate well he is highly strung and prone to tantrums.

I don't have answers but I did read The Explosive Child which is helping. I also watch his diet as he is much worse when he's hungry, try and give him protein and fill him up as much as I can.

I talk to him once he's calmed down - eg yesterday he wanted to cross a very busy road outside our house alone to go to school and there was a huge battle that morning. Later i told him he can but he won't get his tablet after school, his choice, I can't risk him getting hit by a car. This morning he crossed the road with us. He's strong willed but some battles I won't back down on - I have to pick them though!

He also needs lots of sleep, lots and lots of cuddles and reassurance (he's still in my bed every night, a battle I have given in on) and lots of support staying on track to do things like get ready for bed.

A sticker chart would not work on him as he's too impulsive!

And yes end of holidays it all started to ramp up a bit, but he's now back at school and while it's not easier it's a change and I am getting a break too which helps me manage him!

You do need to love them through it but you also need to love your other children through it. I’ve been there and unfortunately it has a huge impact on the others, but it’ll appear down the line when they’re teens. You’ll probably have already seen your children assuming roles in the micro drama (the peacekeeper, etc). When they’re going through puberty and the slightest thing that attracts attention to the family in public is mortifying for them, they will not want to join you at all. (For days out, holidays, social occasions). You won’t be their first port of call with a problem ( they’ll think you have too much on your plate). Honestly I can’t stress this advice enough. Don’t threaten, don’t try every punishment in the book, don’t waste time. Find childcare, and find it fast. It may be temporary and you may find it ‘resets’ his behaviour a little and comes back happier. Or you may need the respite for years. Either way you won’t regret it. Maybe just an hour a week at first , choose something or somewhere he’ll really enjoy.

Both mine have ADHD of varying degrees, and we have found if we ignore any bad behaviour, it gets worse rather than pestering out. So we pull our kids up every time, send them to their room or something similar if we are out and the behaviour stops after a few goes. It is often a phase we have linked with stress, so we have to also make sure they have enough down-time and solo play-time to help them adjust.

I sympathise op, my two are lovely kids but have been right pains this weekend with squabbling, arguing back, one hitting the other, flouncy stroppy behaviour if they don't get their own way, overacting to get the other sibling in more trouble. I have concluded it is time to go back to school. They are both tidying their rooms today!

Pestering not pestering, although the pestering is a little appropriate, too.

Petering, darn auto-correct!!!

Another vote for youngest child syndrome, OP. The only thing I can think of is, as PP have said, work out what his 'high value' reward is, and use it to your advantage. Though I know from experience that some children set no store by any reward at all and really do seem not to care about anything!

It sounds like he would maybe respond to more specific positive parenting? So when he does a thing well, a specific comment on that “you put your shoes on quickly, which means we have more time at the park, great job”.
Then before you do an activity, setting out clearly the expectations “I’ll tell you when it’s 10 minutes before we leave, and if you all leave with no fuss, then we’ll have time for an ice cream or a biscuit, but if there’s any fuss, we won’t”.
Equally, it’s the end of the holidays, kids have been without proper structure for a while and are probably needing that routine of school now. He’s still pretty young and probably subconsciously thought “I don’t want to leave and this is fun running from mum and actually there’s no need for us to leave right now”

Soft play specifically I always have a high value snack (choc bar or something) that I wave in their direction when I'm telling them it's time to go home. Don't come out quick enough, don't get the snack.

My 8yo got a bit like this after 2 weeks on holiday, she explained she was fed up spending so much time with her little sister. Could you arrange playdates with a friend or something?

Ah the count downs are a comment point. My children manage so much better with a count down. There is a visual time app you can get on your phone. Maybe not much help for soft play but helpful for other situations.

With the soft play incident, why didn't you get the oldest child after him as well? I'm one of 4 (there was 6 years between us too!) and I was regularly roped in to help with the younger ones.

My kids are by my own admission hard work. One has autism in my defence. But I find all of the usual MN techniques either antagonise the situation or don't work at all. With my kids, I can't show an inch of give because they then think that is the default for all situations. Neither respond to stuff like sticker charts or anything with any form of delayed gratification.

In the soft place situation, I'd give my kids ten and then five minute warnings of when we were leaving. Then when it was leaving time, I wouldn't have done the whole game of chasing him. I would have carried on getting ready to go and walked out without him whilst waiting at the door where he couldn't see me. Mine never hurry when I'm waiting but are quick when they think I've gone.

My eldest lashes out at his brother at times when he feels like he's not in control of the situation. It's usually when we need to go out and he doesn't want to. Or youngest has something eldest wants. Look for a pattern and see what you can to to prevent your DC behaviour.

I think you need different consequences for different behaviour. Hitting siblings has to be an absolute no-no. I’d get seriously cross about that.

Sorry - hit post too soon. Other things may be more appropriate for sticker charts etc if you find that works for you as a family - but, again, there has to be some point to getting or not getting those stickers. Does a lack of stickers mean he doesn’t get something that he’d like (and maybe a sibling with the stickers does get it?). Or is it just performative, in which case it may not be the best system to manage his behaviour?

There is definite truth to this. I was ‘mediator’ and ‘peacemaker’ in my childhood and no longer talk to my sibling in adulthood. I make absolutely sure my child’s sibling is not undertaking any role when the younger one melts down. My partner and I have completely changed how we deal with the younger child so our older one trusts that we’ve got everything in hand and they no longer try to get involved.

it’s certainly been detrimental to our older child’s life for the last few years but I work incredibly hard to make sure my older child is heard, listened to and both children are well bonded to me and fiercely bonded to each other.

in our situation he is perfectly well behaved at school and no one things he is neurodiverse. I think he is impulsive, wilful and it seems very bright. So I’m prepared to dig in and get through it and hope to god we all get out sane the other end.

Why do people immediately start saying thing like 'does he have suspected additional needs?' If he does it's as yet undiagnosed and would only serve to explain the behaviour, not alleviate it. Besides maybe he's just bored or over stimulated and not happy being around his family 24/7 like he is just now rather than in his usual school routine, being with his friends.

I don't know what the answer is but I know it isn't to make out like he's the problem, the odd one out etc. That will likely just make it worse.
As others have said find his 'high value reward' and use that to motivate and encourage. Does he like gaming, sports or playing with friends? Could any of these be something he would behave well for?
Don't just exclude him from 'fun' stuff because he's bad, maybe he doesn't want a family day out so that could actually encourage bad behaviour.
Let the kids take some time out for themselves to do their own thing. No one wants to do stuff as a group all the time, we all need our own space sometimes.

As for posters questioning why OP's DH works so much do give it a rest. I imagine the OP's DH works to support the family. When she says 'all the time' I'm sure she doesn't mean it literally, it will just feel like it during the summer hols. Yes it's a family problem, but it won't be solved by blaming OPs DH, suggesting he takes time off at the drop of a hat or works less hours.

We did "earn it back" by shutting up and being quiet while we all recover otherwise there was no point being good afterwards. Works for us. Now it's go upstairs and use your phone to calm down.

If he can't manage a whole day being good break it down to smaller chunks so he has no lost out completely.

Look up parenting asd or ADHD children to see if any of the techniques work.

With the soft play incident... Natural consequences would be that he did not have time for....(insert his favourite thing) because he did not come out of soft play when asked.

Keep him well fed. Low blood sugar=bad behaviour.

Look for when he is becoming dysregulated and leave/intervene then. Just a few more minutes can be disastrous.

You need to parent the child you have got, as in find what works for him not what worked for the others.

Look, in that case you probably did the right thing. I was being a bit judgy there, I'm sorry.