If you're so entertaining, why are you on your own tonight?

[EatingWormsMichael]

Paraphrasing Morrisey, maybe that's why I am always alone?!!

Sitting at home after a fortnight off and dreading work tomorrow. I really miss having someone in my life to tell me it'll be OK, that we have other things to look forward to etc. I have a lovely 7yo DS so I'm not totally alone, but I am lonely.

I am wondering if I'm fundamentally flawed. Not just in terms of being single, but friendships aren't very successful either.

My oldest friends seem to keep me at arms length. There's an acceptable pattern of when they see me, which has reduced down to twice a year despite living in the same town. Ive suggested meeting up and get convoluted explanations about how they'd love to but they'll have to sort out x,y and z - and then the conversation is dropped. They are child free, have active social lives, just not with me.

I do seem to be disliked at work. I'm not sure why. I'm part time and 10 years older than the majority so suspect they see me as a total irrelevance.

I'm trying to make new friends amongst other mums. It's going fairly well, but I'm terrified my desperation will scare them off and therefore overthink every interaction.

Really not sure how I became this shell of a person. Its very depressing. Exhausting too.

Does anyone else feel like this sometimes?

Wish I was for a short time anyway. Trying to work but my DS15 (!) was following me around all evening demanding my attention

Sorry to see somebody else like this. I could have written this myself but no DC so glad you have somebody.

Somebody said it's just the way society is. Doesn't help though.

I think it's a bit like having a job. If you've already got one, it's easier to find another one. If you knew lots of people you'd a) have more to talk about b) seem more desirable as a friend and c) have more confidence. I'm not saying that helps your current situation but explains why it's been difficult to change it.

The main thing is to build up your confidence. Start to believe in yourself a bit more. Develop some interests. You sound like a nice person. Keep working at your new friendships. Be proactive. But also be aware of new people that you come across so that you're not just dependent on a few people. Even if they start off as acquaintances they can end up as friends over time.

Could you apply for a new job with people who are a better fit? We spend an awful lot of time at work, so it's good to be with people we get on with.

It’s not just you. Well done for starting to make friends with other Mums, stick at it. There’s another thread going at the moment about having no friends that I was only just reading a few minutes ago.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4621516-no-friends

I am afraid that friendships need work and according to the science, you can’t maintain more than five close relationships. Without maintenance and things in common (hence the thing with your work) you can drift out of the ‘inner sanctum’ easily. COVID has made it worse as we’ve not been able to see people to maintain the friendships. I have found that having children vs not between friends tends to cause damage to a friendship as you are simply not in the same place anymore.

Good luck, and it’s not just you!

Sorry you feel the same @loseridiot I'm sure you are not a loser or an idiot, maybe overlookedniceperson could be your new username?

@Goosygandy thanks, yes I think a new job would work wonders. I know I've lost confidence at work, I'm constantly looking but feel limited by needing part time hours as I'm single parent who needs to do every school run. BUT jobs must exist that will allow that, or a suitable compromise, so I will keep at it!

That end of holiday or time off/back to work feeling throws up the same kind of thoughts for me. It can feel really overpowering and hard to challenge, even if there’s actually loads of evidence which contradicts the negative thoughts.

It’s like Sunday evenings to the power of 100.
When lonely, they can be really hard.
“The long dark teatime of the soul” - to probably misquote Douglas Adams.

I’d just try to treat yourself with what’s left of the evening; a bath or shower or an episode of something or go to bed with a book. Shut off the thoughts for now.

I hope you feel better.

Sounds like you've tried hard and are very aware. Pity it's not worked so far but hope the mums are friendly. You sound lovely and deserve friends.

It all seems to be a game. Tbh even though I have nobody and am also terribly lonely, I can't be bothered to play it. Yes, it is exhausting and I no longer at 49 have the time and energy to keep wasting on fairweather people.

I'll admit im odd, and thankfully I have a couple of closeish friends, and one special lady friend, overall people either gel with me or they don't, yes I prefer to try to get on with everyone, but sometimes I find some people are unusual, and I know I'm strange but still, it's a mix really,

Hello @Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight I think there's some truth to the 5 friend theory. It's definitely true that after I see an old friend on our biannual meet ups, we message each other lots more in the following weeks. Then it goes quiet, I guess that boils down to nurturing relationships. Truth is I've become burnt out lately from being a lone parent. Ex lives abroad and my family don't help out - I hit a wall a few months ago and feel I have nothing left to give other people. I do feel a bit better having had a fortnight off though.

Lol @largeprintagathachristie I like that quote, sunday evenings have felt like that since childhood, a disatisfying day spent playing lego, concluded with second hand bathwater. Pah.

Thank you so much @EatingWormsMichael. You sound kind, intelligent and switched on. Anybody would be lucky to have you as a friend. The others are right, it's not you as you're doing all the right things. Covid hasn't helped matters either. People are even more insular and have retreated into their own worlds. With other issues going on in the world it seems people have little energy and time for friendship. There are so many threads on here which echo everything you've said.

Hope you can find a different job. Employers are having to be more flexible to keep staff now and quite right too!

Has it always been like that @loseridiot or has it got worse lately? When I think back I definitely felt left out in my 20s and remember willing the phone to ring at a weekend, I could feel my "fun years" slipping away. In my 30s I was mostly in a relationship and there was a security to that, I had friendships but didn't get this kind of anxiety about them as I had someone to hang out with. It's all crashed in my 40s now that I'm single and limited by care responsibilities.

All of my friends are in relationships so maybe they are in that state I was in my 30s, where friendships don't make or break your emotional wellbeing.

I think im a bit odd too @Hawkins001. I'm OK with that and would welcome fellow oddballs into my life!

OP, it's not you. It's more likely that your old friends don't connect with you so much now because your lives are at different stages. Most of my single friends vanished when I had DC. You are better off making mum friends for now. But also, make sure you have some interests you really enjoy that are shareable. Ime, my longest lasting, best friendships come from a shared passion for something which isn't dependent on our being at the same stage in our lives.

I don't think you're 'flawed' - We don't always click with people and friendships take time to grow.... x

Personally I don't like people. I don't enjoy people around my house, I much prefer my own company/my son's. I just find any kind of relationship (for me) too much effort.... I have a few good friends who I talk to frequently but a very good example of why I prefer my own company is because I can count on ONE hand the amount of times they've ever asked me how I'm doing - it's always about them, which I happily go along with because I'm a lovely friend who is a very good listener :-)

Good advice @goldfinchonthelawn - random fact, this year is the first time I saw a pair of goldfinches in my garden, that brought a lot of joy!

I'm a classic introvert @netflixandnaps and incapable of keeping a tidy house - these facts make me terrible at inviting people in to my world. But I definitely need a bit of human attention, something that scratches beyond superficial smalltalk. I'd be pretty annoyed if people consistently talked at me and not with me - may as well be alone!

Off to bed, thanks for listening everyone x

Can relate to what you're saying @EatingWormsMichael. Guessing you're another who's a bit of an outsider, but not by choice of course. Having a relationship and child would have been security and somewhat of a buffer. Now it's all changed again and may feel a bit lost. Little adult company. Really hope you make connections with likeminded people and do things you enjoy that might lead to friendships.

To a degree it was always like that growing up very rurally with nobody my age and a 'family' who never wanted me. Very abusive childhood. Was a people pleaser as a twenty something and people took full advantage when like you, just wanted to connect with others.

Then later on joined lots of things to find my tribe and kept in touch during the pandemic, but it was a one-way street and clear they weren't friendships but situational. Very upsetting particularly after being seriously ill with Covid and nobody even checked in when I'd made lots of effort. In the end I stopped chasing even though I cared. There was simply no point and those 'friendships' would never have been the same. I saw them with different eyes. A few have been surprised and I don't think know how to reach out anymore after everything.

It's very lonely but don't have the trust, goodwill or energy to keep going through the same cycle albeit with different people again and again. No wonder there's so much loneliness. Thank you for asking.

I'm a bit odd too and like others who are quirky!

Sleep well!

Another thread here on the subject

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4621678-where-do-you-find-groups-to-possibly-make-friends?reply=119589621

I am on my own (widow, no DCs) and whilst I have a (very) few good friends I have reached a stage of life where some are moving away. It’s made me realise that I need to constantly work at maintaining existing friendships and nurturing new ones.

I too am a bit of an introvert and find it draining to be talked at/over which is what some friends do. The older I get, the less I a seem to have to say for myself, so I am not not exactly sparkling company either.

I feel the same OP. I don't have kids (by choice!!) but I feel incredibly lonely most of the time. Went through a really nasty break-up four years ago and been single ever since.
I'm 41 and am wondering if this is how it's going to be forever. Solidarity x

I live alone, that is why I am alone.

I feel like I don't have much to say for myself too @Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight , I think I repeat a lot of my blatherings cos I can't remember who I've told what to. Small lives have that effect I think, you recycle your stories!

Single for 6 years now @louderthan, I've not tried dating again. Equal mix of being terrified, being disinterested and not having childcare. Can't see that changing in the future!

Yep you've nailed it @loseridiot , sorry to hear you've had a crap time. I think I need to set up an introvert commune, we can live in our own little spaces with a "company space" in the middle for occasional use, and a petting zoo just because!!

Thank you for replying again @EatingWormsMichael. Hope today has been a little better now your first day back is over. Sorry you're in this position and hope things change for you.

Yes please to the commune. What a great idea! The petting zoo is a must, the animals are a laugh!

Pity so many are in the same boat and nice sounding people too. It's maybe the luck of the draw finding people where you're a good fit for each other, as some of us have worked hard at it without success. Everybody on here sounds interesting as well.

I'm in no position to give anybody advice as I've pretty much run out of options, but I would advise people to keep a bit back for themselves. Please do the things you want to do and if you make friends, that's a bonus. If not, you followed your interests and gained something for yourself anyway rather than wasting time and energy for nothing. Give and people will take. People only bothered to use me when they wanted something or there was no better option. Once there was or I fulfilled my purpose, I was discarded.

For example, I achieved accredited alternative therapy courses by attending college two nights a week. They finished in June. It got me out of the house, filled the void of people and I gained qualifications in things I'd wanted to study for years. They could be used for extra income if needed. There was no longer any excuse not to go.

The people were very friendly in both courses, everybody got on brilliantly and some made noises about keeping contact. I did message a short while after suggesting a meet up the following week. No reply. Although a little disappointing, I wasn't as invested as I would have been previously because I was there for a reason, so no expectations. Of course, not everybody wants or has the time for nightschool but you get my drift.

There's a lot to be said for small pleasures as well.